


Helter Skelter

by Masami_Aomame



Category: Naruto
Genre: Artist Sakura, College AU, Drama, F/M, Romance, Slow Romance, Tennis player Sasuke
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2019-08-23
Packaged: 2019-09-24 14:23:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 114,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17102261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Masami_Aomame/pseuds/Masami_Aomame
Summary: We are all fighting our own demons. (Modern college AU)





	1. Intrusion

Crowded places are not where you'd normally find me.

Standing in the middle of a crowd makes me suffocate.

It has happened several times; I'm standing in the middle of a crowd, suddenly I can't breathe properly and feel dizzy and the next thing I know is that someone in the crowd is holding me, anxious faces of unknown people staring at me, everyone asking me if I'm okay, offering me cold water and a place to sit. Everyone's undivided attention focused towards me.

And here is the main issue.

I hate attention.

And I already get enough of it thanks to my pink hair. Well, I love my unique and pretty hair colour. But, I try my hardest to not give people any additional reason to gawk at me. Therefore, I avoid going to crowded places if I can help it.

Today, I couldn't.

I mean I could if I really wanted to but I don't expect such an opportunity to come ever again in my whole life.

Today, Hatake Kakashi is coming to our college. Yes, the legendary tennis prodigy, that Hatake Kakashi; the person I've been admiring the most since I was seven, that Hatake Kakashi; the person I consider my hero, my god, my I-don't-know-what-else, that Hatake Kakashi. He's coming to my college and I _will_ _not_ let go of my once-in-a-lifetime chance to watch him in flesh even if I have to pay with my life for it.

It definitely is a reason worth dying for.

Hence, here I am. In the middle of a huge crowd. Well, not exactly in the middle. Since I was so excited, I actually skipped my classes and arrived here at 10 am. So, I'm among the lucky people who got to sit in the front row. What I don't know is why on earth Ino skipped her classes to do exactly the same thing when she has zero interest in Kakashi. Or in tennis in general.

Whatever, I'm getting impatient. It's 3:15 now, Kakashi is supposed to arrive at 4:00. Then he's expected to play a friendly match against the college's prevailing tennis champion, Uchiha Sasuke. And suddenly it occurs to me; _he_ might be the reason Ino is here.

Ino is a huge admirer of Uchiha Sasuke. And that has more to do with his appearance than his talent for tennis. 

"You all right, forehead girl?"

I was so deep in my thoughts, I don't understand what she's talking about.

"What do you mean?"

"You aren't suffocating, are you?"

Ah, she's talking about my problem.

I don't go around telling people about it, but she happened to find out because I once passed out while we were taking a train together. But I don't mind. Moreover, her knowing actually comes handy at times when she's prowling for a companion for her expedition of those crazy sales she is a huge fan of. I can simply blame it on the crowd and be excused.

"No, I'm fine. I'm not passing out before seeing Kakashi," I grin.

"Yes, yes, I know. You and your obsession with that old man. I'm here for Uchiha Sasuke," she gives a proud smile although I don't have any idea what she can possibly be so proud of.

"I guessed it."

"Makes sense. Even you know that not all nineteen year old girls are into men who are in their thirties," she teases me with a twisted smile.

"I'm not into him in that sense, Ino. You know that. I admire him, I respect him a lot, I'm crazy for him, but I don't get hot and heavy thinking about him like you might do when it comes to Uchiha Sasuke."

Ino was about to say something when suddenly the crowd comes to life. Everyone starts shouting and cheering and it takes me a few moments to figure out the exact scenario.

Uchiha Sasuke has made his appearance on the court. Ino joins the crowd in their shouting. I sigh. I'm getting bored. I want to see Kakashi and no one else. But clearly most people don't feel the same.

I take a look around me. All these people, so excited to see him, _the_ Uchiha Sasuke. Is he really that talented?

I've only seen him a few times in my seventeen months of college life. And it has always been accidental, always from a distance, and always lasting less than a second. Today I can observe him properly from my front row seat. And I decide to make good use of this opportunity since I have nothing better to do anyway.

I have to admit; he _is_ good looking. But there's this thing about his countenance. I've only been watching him for like five minutes; so it's going to sound stupid, I know I can't provide a solid ammunition to my declaration, but trust me when I say _this guy is a mess_.

Here's the thing about damaged people; they know their kin.

They might have been forever successful in guarding their secrets from the whole world, but present them in front of someone of their own species; and their little game of hide and seek will be over in an instant. It's not possible to know the details of course. But the cause hardly matters, since it's the effect that shows in the eyes.

And I can see it in the eyes of the famous Uchiha Sasuke. The very look I got so familiar with over my years of staring at the mirror. I can see the exact same thing in those dark black eyes of his.

Suddenly my chain of thoughts gets disrupted because the crowd goes crazy once again and as I look at the court I can see why.

Not Kakashi, but I know the person who has appeared on the court.

Uzumaki Naruto. The other tennis legend of this college. His rivalry with Uchiha Sasuke already being regarded as one of the greatests in the history of Konoha College.

And although I've never watched either of them play, I know that Konoha College is bustling with talented youngsters, no matter which field. So, to think that it was two first year students who reached the final, they definitely are talented.

Last year I heard a lot about their epic five set battle in the final. And I've also heard rumors about how people are anticipating a repeat of that this year as well. And as I watch these two on court right in front of my eyes, I make a decision.

This year, if it's the two of them again, I'd try to make time to watch the final.

But right now, all I want to see is Kakashi. I'm getting frustrated. It's 4:10 already. Given how much he's revered around the globe, I had expected him to be on time, but why on earth is he late? My frustration is multiplying with every extra minute of waiting I'm having to go through. Ugggh!

Sasuke and Naruto go for a warm up. Except, a warm up is supposed to be more relaxed, more casual, and I can tell that these two are far from being casual. They're going at it like it's another final where only the winner takes the cup.

From the reaction of the crowd, I can tell that when it comes to fan girls, Sasuke definitely wins. Why I wonder. Naruto is no less talented than Sasuke is and he, too, is good looking in my opinion. Of course with different type of charms.

Whatever, I don't care. I decide to focus on the game.

Naruto hits a strong forehand sending the ball towards the side of the court where we are sitting, obviously hoping for a winner. But Sasuke, who was standing near the other sideline, refuses to give in and makes a run for it like his life depends on it. And he still misses by a whisker but fails to stop his motion. What was it called again? Something like moment of inertia I assume, screw physics classes!

And before I have enough time to register everything in my brain, he has reached the end of the court and has crossed the boundary of the gallery and has almost collided with me but thankfully he's able to stop himself before it comes to that.

The crowd goes insane, all the girls around us start shouting like crazy at the sight of their beloved Uchiha Sasuke in the middle of the spectators.

And I'm looking at him. Completely startled, still trying to process it all in my brain, my heart hitting against my ribs so fast and so hard that it's almost hurting. But the most intense thing at the moment is two jet black eyes; staring right back at me. I can roughly figure that there's a guy of around six feet looming over my sitting form, but all I can focus on is those eyes. And for some reason, they refuse to leave mine.

A couple of seconds pass like this, then he straightens up in front of me, his gaze turns let's say less -intruding for lack of better words, and he smirks.

"Excuse me," he says curtly and the next thing I know is he's back on the court again. And that's when I figure out that I had been holding my breath throughout the course of this entire drama that lasted less than a minute.

People around me start talking about it, unable to hide the excitement in their voices and Ino says something but all I can think about is those intense, dark eyes.

For the first time in three weeks since Kakashi's visit was announced, I'm too occupied to think about Kakashi. 

* * *

 When I'm on court, there's one absolute rule I never fail to abide by; always focus my entire being on the point I'm playing.

It can be my match point; winning it might mean that the goddess of victory has smiled upon me. Or it can be my opponent's match point; losing it might mean I've been vanquished.

And the trick is to go for it with the same hunger in both the cases. No matter what the scoreboard is displaying, no matter whose name the spectators are shouting, no matter what's happening in the world around me, all I'm allowed to care about is the point.

A simple rule.

And I've always been pretty good at following this.

So, when Naruto's forehand sends the ball towards the other sideline, I run for it with everything I've got. It's a reflex. I see a ball, I chase it.

But I miss anyway.

It happens. Doing your best doesn't necessarily ensure success. But you still have to try bcause not doing so definitely ensures failure.

But today, by doing my best I find myself in an unprecedented situation.

Before I know it, I'm in the gallery, barely managing to prevent a collision with the person occupying the seat in front of me.

It's kind of interesting I must say. I know what most of the girls are here for. I've grown up with fan girls drooling over me. And I have pretty much learned to ignore them. But it really infuriates me when they come to my matches for the sole purpose of hitting on me.

I find it insulting.

When I'm on court, I'm a tennis player. And I want people to see me as one.

But no, these crazy chicks have the audacity to appear here to ogle me because apparently stalking me on the campus isn't enough for them.

For example, right now, when my most bizarre accident on a tennis court has landed me in the gallery, I can feel the crowd going insane. Hungry eyes staring at me like I'm some sort of food.

But there's one exception right in front of me.

Two wide eyes of the brightest shade of green staring at me. And they are devoid of the slightest trace of lechery.

She's completely startled, of course. Hell I myself am at my wit's end. But at the same time, I'm kind of amused. Now I know that at least today, there's someone in the crowd of my fan girls who isn't here to have sexual fantasies about me.

I don't know who she's here for. Me or Naruto or Kakashi, but the one thing I know for sure is that she's here for the sake of this game. This beautiful game that I've loved since I was a little kid.

This cancels out some of the bitterness I was feeling because of those obsessive fan girls. I feel kind of better. I can't help a little smirk.

"Excuse me," I apologise to her because she definitely has earned it; and then I go back to the court, to the game.

.

.

.

Hatake Kakashi is nothing like I expected him to be.

He arrives forty minutes late, almost getting on my nerves. But there's nothing I can do about it. So, I find salvation in the fact that he at least arrives. Better late than never.

I admire him. Of course I do. He definitely is one of the greatest talents this game has ever witnessed. The entire world accepts it without any question.

And today I get to learn a thing or two about the type of human being that he is.

Intel number one, he's a considerate person.

Seeing Naruto on the court, he insists that instead of playing one full match with me, he'd like to play a one set match with each of us.

Fair enough. To be honest, I prefer it better. For more than anyone, _I_ am aware that when it comes to opportunities like this, Naruto deserves no less than me.

Intel number two, he's extremely easy-going.

By the time we're about to start our one set match, I'm already starting to question whether he's taking this with any seriousness at all. I swear I've never faced an opponent who looked as less motivated as him. But as soon as the match starts, his attitude goes through a one hundred and eighty degree change, and I can finally feel that I'm playing against one of the best players in the world.

After our match is over with Kakashi winning against me 7-5, Kakashi is playing against Naruto. And I'm still on the court, acting partly as a ball boy, but mostly, just enjoying the match.

And suddenly, my eyes fall upon her. Haruno Sakura from the Department of Arts. The girl with pink hair and green eyes I literally _ran into_ earlier.

And I can finally see why she's here today.

For Kakashi. I can see it from the way her eyes are following his every movement. Full of admiration, but completely because of his tennis skills. And I can see tears streaming down her face.

She must be a really big fan.

.

.

.

When the announcement is made that the students can now come up ahead and ask for Kakashi's autograph, there instantly is a chaos.

I study it from a distance, people jostling to get in front of the table. Everyone needs his autograph regardless of how little they actually care about tennis or Kakashi's talent for it. Because hey, he's one of the greatest players on planet earth and his autograph definitely is something they can show off later.

Then I see Sakura.

She's standing at the back, not managing to get into the battleground in front of her, holding onto something that looks like a folder.

Poor girl. I know she truly admires him. She really deserves to get his autograph. But sadly, there's no law in the world to ensure that everyone gets what they deserve.

Why didn't the management do a better job? I bet even Kakashi is finding it bothersome. It's an utter mess. They should've made them wait in a queue or something. This is no way of asking someone for his autograph. I swear if it was me, I'd have just left. But like I said before, Kakashi is a considerate person and he bears with it while maintaining his politeness. 

I watch Sakura. I don't know her in person, but I know who she is. First of all, that pink hair is one of its kind. So, once I had laid my eyes on her, there was no forgetting. And it's not that I made extra efforts to remember her name, but that name sounds like it exists to justify that unique colour of her hair. So, once I had heard it, I didn't forget that either.

And she has her own fair share of fan boys.

For example, Naruto himself was quite smitten by her initially. Often blabbering to me about her. But the first six months of college was a total write off for him as far as his feelings for Sakura was concerned. Then he kind of accepted his failure without ever really trying anything.

And here's an interesting fact about Sakura.

Be it Naruto, be it Lee from the Martial Arts Department, be it any of her other fanboys, the stories they have to tell are always about her artistic achievements; she just won this competition, someone just praised her artistic skills, her art just got featured in this magazine, blah blah blah.

When it comes to Haruno Sakura the person, the only major information they have to offer is that for whatever reason, she does not live in the students' dorm since she can regularly be seen coming to and leaving the campus.

She spends most of her time in her department, focusing on her art I suppose. She doesn't even come to the cafeteria regularly. When she does, she's always with her small circle of friends; none of whom agree to leak any information about her. Whether it's because they too know nothing about her, or because they are too loyal as friends, I have no idea. But what I know is that the absence of her personal information in the market of her fan boys is not from lack of trying. And since she continues to remain such an enigmatic existence, she continues to be worshiped like some sort of a deity; tragically out of everyone's reach.

I, however, am too busy living my own life. I don't have either the time or the intention of fantasising about any pink haired dream girl. I have my own goals in life to achieve.

So, this actually is my first time looking at her properly. Before, it has always been accidental glances. And, I finally notice it. _She does look pretty_. But I give zero damn about good looks. So; I don't care. But I care about the fact that today I learned something about Haruno Sakura the person.

That she's a tennis fan.

For now, this much is more than enough. There's no need to fuss over the fact that those green eyes of hers tell stories of what I can address as a 'convoluted past'.

Exactly like I had expected, the autograph session has to be cut short due to extreme disorder. And unfortunately, Sakura doesn't succeed in getting one. I see the sad look in her eyes when she leaves the place.

.

.

.

Kakashi talks casually to Naruto and me while we guide him through our department. We're sitting in a locker room when Naruto asks him for an autograph and he complies. Seeing that, I do something I never could have imagined myself doing in a hundred years.

"Can I get one as well?"

Kakashi looks at me. His facial expression can't be seen because of the mask that covers most of his face, but I can see the amused look in his eyes.

"I must admit that you didn't strike me as someone who'd ask other people for their autographs."

"I'm not," I say immediately, then add, "It's not for me, it's for someone else," damn it, even _I_ am getting surprised by the words coming out of my mouth.

Kakashi raises his eyebrow, "And who might that be?"

I start to feel kind of uncomfortable. Maybe it would've been better if I didn't do this. But I still continue, "A friend who couldn't reach you today because of the mayhem out there."

"I see."

I had not planned to ask for his autograph. So, I don't have anything prepared. I grab a copy of the promotional poster they used to announce Kakashi's visit. Kakashi doesn't look like he minds.

"So, this person tried to get my autograph but couldn't manage to do so. I feel sorry about that," Kakashi states as he reaches his arm towards the marker in Naruto's hand, "What's the name of this person? I might as well add a small note."

I hesitate for a second, but there's no reason for that if you think rationally. So I say "Haruno Sakura."

I swear I can almost hear the sound of Naruto's jaw dropping to the ground! I decide not to look anywhere near him. I keep looking at Kakashi while keeping a straight face.

"To Miss Haruno Sakura it is then" Kakashi says while writing on the poster I handed him over.

This is hands down the most unnecessary deed I've ever done in my nineteen years of life. 


	2. Encounter

Even after Kakashi's car disappears, I continue staring in that direction. Just to avoid facing Naruto. But of course, he isn't going to let me get away with it.

I feel his hand on my shoulder and before I even have the time to consider protesting, he has turned me around to face him.

"What are you doing?" I try my hardest to sound annoyed.

"That's my line, Bastard! What're  _you_  doing?"

"What did I do?" I have a very good idea what he's talking about. But what I want to imply is it was such an insignificant event, it's not even worth remembering.

"You know very well what you did. You asked for Kakashi's autograph. For Haruno Sakura!"

"Ah! That's what you're talking about."

"Of course it is. Since when did you become friends with Sakura?"

"I'm not _friends_  with her." At least that much is true.

"Then why'd you do that?" Naruto isn't letting me go without a proper explanation.

"I noticed she didn't manage to get his autograph. She seems to be a really big fan of him. When you two were playing, she was crying while watching him play."

Naruto furrows his brows a little, his blue eyes studying me with an intensity that's kind of uncharacteristic of him. But I think he finds the information satisfactory. The crease on his forehead disappears and he falls silent. But he's Naruto. So it only lasts a few seconds.

"I see. Then it's good you did that for her. I'm proud of you. You're starting to behave like a human being. Slowly but surely," he pats my shoulder with a bright smile.

I glare at him.

"Now. Let's go get dinner. We're already late," he doesn't wait for an answer before starting to walk ahead of me.

.

.

.

"So, how are you going to give it to her?" Naruto asks after swallowing a mouthful of his linguine.

That indeed is a good question. The answer to which I'd be very grateful to find out.

"Do you want to give it to her? Instead of me?"

All that matters to me is she gets it. I don't have any intention of getting along with her or anything. I've already done something very unnecessary. Now I just want this episode to be over.

"Nah. Why'd I? You started this, you finish. But being the nice person I am, I'm definitely going to come to your rescue whenever you need it," he gives a smug grin.

* * *

I'm on top of the world right now. I really got to see Kakashi! I watched him play right in front of my very own eyes. I can't believe it yet.

I'm also kind of dejected I couldn't get his autograph. I simply couldn't manage to get inside the insane crowd. I was even carrying my sketch of him to get his autograph on. But well... tough luck I guess.

I know I shouldn't feel like this. Just a month ago, I couldn't even imagine getting to see him. Now that I was able to watch him play for real, that should be more than enough to keep me happy for a lifetime.

But we're greedy. The moment we get one thing, we immediately wish we could get something else as well. Or am I the only one?

I snuggle into my warm duvet and try to fall asleep while thinking about how happy I am at the moment. I might be the happiest person on earth right now. Today was definitely the best day of my life.

* * *

"Oi, come with me," Naruto calls out.

I follow him thinking he has found a place for us to sit.

"Morning, guys. Do you mind if we sit here with you?" Naruto flashes a bright standing in front of a table where some students are already having breakfast.

I'm not the only one who's completely dumbfounded by his action. All the three people on the table join me there. For a few seconds they simply stare at us.

"Not at all. Please sit down," the blonde girl with blue eyes is the one to reply with a bright smile.

"Thank you," Naruto takes an empty seat and so do I no matter how much I don't want to. Because doing so at this point will be exceptionally and unnecessarily rude.

"You're Uzumaki Naruto and Uchiha Sasuke, aren't you?" the girl sounds super excited now.

"You know us, heh?" Naruto smiles stupidly. Scratching the back of his head.

"Of course we do. You guys are super popular among the students."

Honestly speaking, if stating stupid, obvious and useless facts is the only way to make a conversation, then I'd rather be by myself and not talk to anybody.

"I'm Ino," she gives a confident smile, "This is Sai," she points to the pale guy with black hair sitting by her side.

"Hello," thankfully, Sai isn't half as enthusiastic as her.

"He's Shikamaru," the guy with a ponytail and a bored expression on his face sitting beside Naruto says a simple "Hi."

"It's a pleasure to meet you guys."

Since I have no idea what Naruto's intentions are, I decide to focus on my toast and leave the socialising part to him.

"Actually we're here for a reason, you guys are friends with Haruno Sakura, aren't you?"

With that one sentence, he has grabbed the attention of everyone at the table. Including me.

"Yes, we are," Ino says after blinking a few times.

"Well, Sasuke has something to give to her."

With that, I find three pairs of eyes looking my way.

Great! What is the point of announcing it to the whole squad?

"It's Hatake Kakashi's autograph. He noticed last night that she didn't manage to get one," Naruto takes it upon himself to explain the exact situation.

"Oh, yes," Ino almost shouts, "She was really upset about that."

"Sasuke asked Kakashi for one on her behalf. Kakashi was kind enough to add a personal note as well."

"That's so nice of you, Sasuke. I'm sure Sakura will be elated," Ino smiles at me.

* * *

Worrying is like a never ending chain. You start worrying about something and then, without even noticing, your worries have shifted to something that has absolutely no correlation with it.

So, after waking up, I'm sitting on my bed, fingers wrapped around the coffee mug for the warmth it has to offer. I take a sip and start thinking about the things I need to do.

First of all, I have to ask Sai about the three classes I skipped yesterday. It's going to take a good amount of time and efforts to catch up.

And of course there's the art I'm currently working on.

Also, I haven't made much money from my recent works. . Finding good work as a freelance artist can be really challenging. I'm too lucky to be able to live the life I'm living right now. Thanks to the kindness of so many generous people around me. So, I have to make sure I do my part diligently.

There's next to nothing left in my fridge. So, I need to go shopping.

I also need to buy some art supplies. And for that, I have to travel for almost an hour to get to a particular shop. It's my favourite when it comes to buying art supplies. My art is my life. It's something where there's no room for compromises.

And I need to do laundry as well.

I have too many tasks to take care of and too little time.

But I'll make it through. Because I always do that. Running short on time and somehow, in the end, still managing.

I take a sip of my coffee which is no longer warm and tastes pretty bad. Then I start making a mental timetable.

I'll gobble something up. Then I'll go food shopping. After coming back, if Sai can spare some time, I'll have him help me out with yesterday's lessons. He might have plans in the evening. Generally people are taking it easy during the weekends. Not everyone is worrying their brains out on a Saturday morning like me. I know that but I just want to get things done by tomorrow because Monday means new things to take care of.

I gulp down the rest of my now completely cold and tasteless coffee and try to relax a little bit. Worrying like this won't get me anywhere. I'll look for work in the evening and I'll definitely find something satisfactory. I try to tell myself.

I unlock the phone and play  _Let It Be_  on full volume. Then shoving it into my pocket, I head towards my little kitchen.

_'There will be an answer, let it be'_

I can't count how many times this song has helped me feel better in situations like this.

It feels kind of strange when I think about it. A band that disbanded about half a century ago, half its members deceased, their creation still remains as beautiful and relevant.

That's the beauty of art.

Art, no matter in which form, is meant to touch people's hearts. Any art that can do that, is considered a great one. And  _that_  is the kind of art I want to make.

I take the phone out of my pocket and send Sai a text. asking if he can make some time at noon. I tell him that he can have lunch at my place. I'll have food available by then.

* * *

Someone's phone beeps.

"It's Sakura," says Sai while checking his phone.

"Seriously? Is it telepathy or what!" Ino exclaims. She's too loud and too enthusiastic about almost everything.

"She's asking me to help her with the classes she skipped yesterday."

She even skipped classes?

"And she's also inviting me for lunch," there's a satisfaction evident in his voice as he declares it.

"Which reminds me, Shikamaru, I need help with yesterday's classes too," Ino comments.

She skipped classes too? I didn't know Kakashi had such dedicated fans in our college!

"Troublesome," this Shikamaru guy sounds like he's already tired at this early hour.

"Whatever. Are you going or not?" Ino asks Sai.

"I am. How can I refuse a lunch made by Sakura?"

"Good," Ino seems very satisfied, "When he goes there, you can just go with him."

Since her eyes are on me, I assume I'm the one she's talking to.

"Me?" I still ask because I don't get how that's supposed to make any sense.

"Yes, you. Go with him and give her the autograph."

"Why do I have to go to her place?"

Seriously? Haven't I done enough already? I got the autograph for her when she herself had given up and left with a disappointed look on her face. Now I have to deliver it to her door?

"Well, you could give it to her on the campus of course. But both of you will be busy during college hours. Today you're free and Sai will be going to her place. I thought it'd be a good idea."

Come to think of it. If I want to give it to her on the campus, then we'll have to decide on a meeting time and place. For that I'll have to communicate with her.

"Fine. I'll go. How far is her place?"

"Not even five minutes on foot," Ino smiles, "From back gate."

That's a little too close. Now I have nothing to complain about.

"Okay."

"Send her a text, Sai," Ino's attention returns to her boyfriend.

.

.

.

"It's been a while, why isn't she replying yet?" Ino sounds impatient. "You know what? I'm calling her," Ino takes her phone out and calls Sakura.

And apparently, she isn't picking up.

"That big forehead girl! Why isn't she picking up?" Ino sounds frustrated.

I'm starting to think of leaving when she says, "Are you free now Sasuke? I'm going to her place."

Huh?

"That's a good idea indeed, go with her," Naruto declares.

"You're coming with me."

That way I'll feel less uncomfortable. When you lack social skills, you should make good use of your friend who is overflowing with the same.

"I don't mind."

.

.

.

"I don't think she's home," Ino declares, pacing in front of Sakura's flat, having rung the horrible sounding doorbell several times. "Let me call her once more."

The sound of a phone ringing can be heard from the other side of the door.

"Great! That girl! She has left her phone behind."

"So, do we leave?" Naruto asks.

"We have to. I have things to do."

"I see."

"But now that you guys have seen her place, you no longer need me to come here."

* * *

I blink a few times. I can't believe it. Or rather, I don't  _want_   _to_  believe it. My mother's standing on the road in front of the building.

So, she found me.

I always knew that she will someday. But I had hoped it'd be a day in the distant future. I'm not ready to deal with her yet.

But hey, life doesn't care if you're ready to face your problems or not. It simply throws them at your face, without any prior notice.

I take a deep breath, to calm my nerves first.

"Why are you here?" I ask in a flat voice, taking just one step towards her, not wanting to get too close.

I'm trying my best to not show it, but inside, I'm trembling. I wish this wasn't happening. I wish I didn't have to meet her like this. Not yet.

"I don't know which one is your flat," she says in a tone that almost makes it sound like her visiting my place is something very casual, very normal.

"No, I mean why have you come to see me?"

"I have to talk to you."

But I don't want to talk to you.

"What is it?"

"You want to talk here?"

No, I don't want to talk anywhere, but when did it ever matter?

The thing is, I can't stand the idea of being inside my flat alone with her. Her very presence suffocates me. She's suffocating me right now in the middle of this open space. I can't imagine it being inside a closed one.

"Well, I won't let you inside my flat," I'm determined.

"I see," she seems neither dejected nor surprised, "Then maybe we can go to a café, have our little chat over a cup of coffee," she smiles at me as if this is some sort of a long awaited reunion.

"Fine, tell me where to go. I'll be there after I've dropped these at home," I show her my shopping bags.

"I've brought my car, you know."

"Of course I'm not getting into your car with you." I can't stand being with her inside my flat, being inside her car is out of question.

"Okay then."

She tells me the place. It's a little away from here, but of course she can't go to just any cheap coffee shop. That's going to hurt her status and dignity beyond repair.

"Do show up there, darling."

"If I don't, you're not going to simply accept that and go home. You're going to come back here again and again until you get what you want, aren't you?" I'm really pissed.

"My little girl knows her Mommy so well," she smiles brightly.

"I'll be there, and I'm no longer your little girl," I don't bother looking at her anymore and walk towards the staircase.

.

.

.

I generally consider myself the luckiest person on earth when I manage to get a window seat on a bus. But today, I'm in no mood for that.

Suddenly I remember, I haven't checked whether Sai has replied or not. I forgot to take my phone when I went shopping before.

I take the phone out of my handbag and try to unlock it. Wow! I forgot to charge it and now it's dead. Today is definitely not going down in the history of my life as one of the best days. This will most likely be one of the worst ones.

As I had expected, the café looks really posh. It must be expensive. Not really a place someone in my position should be visiting. But well, at the moment, the café is the least of my concerns.

"So, how's your game of playing an adult going on?" she smiles sweetly.

I swear I'd slap her face in another world, but I can't do that here. Rather, I try to calm down by thinking I'm lucky we're having this conversation in a huge space with other people around and not within the confines of my flat or her car where it'd have been just the two of us.

"Technically speaking, there's no  _playing_  an adult, I  _am_  an adult" I try to sound calm.

"Oh dear," she smiles sweetly and takes a sip of her coffee. "It's really good." She places the cup back on the plate, raising a gentle clinking noise.

"I have things to take care of, I don't have time to waste. So say whatever you want to say and be done with it."

"It's harsh, isn't it? Being left on your own in the real world outside the comforts of your house? It's the most horrible thing for a little girl like you."

Calm down, Sakura, calm down. Don't lose control. You promised yourself that you'll not let her words affect you anymore.

"Well, it definitely isn't easy. But I love every bit of it. Overcoming the problems that come my way, it helps me learn." I pause to take a breath, "But I'm not alone, I have people around me who care for me and always try their best to help me and lastly,  _that place_  is not my home. Also it wasn't really that comfortable now that I think about it," I try to smile, I want to play it her way. But I know I can't do it half as good as she does. Saying horrible things with a sweet smile on her face.

"They will leave you sooner or later,  _we_  will be the only ones to stay, how many times-"

"They wouldn't," I don't let her finish, "And in case they do, I'll see what I can do, I definitely don't want  _you two_  back in my life. Don't you get it? I left you! I left you guys for goodness' sake!" I'm starting to lose patience.

"Darling, this is what it means to be a parent. We'll be there for you no matter how badly you behave, no matter how many times you push us away."

This is it. I've had enough. I stand up, ready to leave, but she catches my wrist, her grip tight and determined.

"Sit down," she says in a cold voice with a stern look on her face.

I comply. I don't know why.

"It's about time you came back," her voice sounds serious.

"I'm not coming back. Not now, not ever, never."

"Just how selfish you can get? You know how mad you father was at me when you ran away? We had such a horrible argument, we... we almost had a divorce," her voice starts to shake, she covers her face with both her palms.

She's at it again, playing the victim card, blaming me for everything. But it isn't going to work. Not anymore.

"Do you have nothing to say for yourself?" she's looking at me now.

"Excuse me?"

"Don't you feel ashamed, making your mother go through such horrible experiences?"

This woman!

"I don't see any reason for doing so. It's between you two and is none of my business."

"How dare you!" she flares up. But I'm not in a good mood either.

"Don't show me that attitude, I'll leave."

"Now you're blackmailing me?"

"Not really. But like I said before, I have things to take care of. I can't waste my time here listening to your ridiculous complaints."

"I see," she looks at me with fire in her eyes. "Then I have to say it, I had hoped it wouldn't come to this. But I don't see another way," she takes a deep breath, "Your father had a really horrible accident last Thursday."

Well. That's some news. My father had an accident. Should I care? After everything that happened between us, I was sure I wouldn't even care to look if he was dying right in front of my eyes. But I find myself asking, "Is he dying?"

"What? No! What's wrong with you? How can you ask if your father is dying with that unconcerned look on your face?" she cries out in an accusing tone.

"Well, I hadn't expected to care even this much. But it turns out that I do. However, if his life isn't at risk, then there's nothing else for me to be bothered about."

"Are you still upset about that incident?" she looks like she really means what she's asking.

"Yes I am!" I almost shout, "How is that even a question?"

"Your father didn't mean to-"

"What?" I literally shout, drawing the attention of the people around us. "What did he mean to do? Punching me right in the face?"

"Keep your voice down," she hisses, "People are watching."

As if I give a single damn.

No, wait, I do. I really like the fact that it's irritating her.

"I. Don't. Care," I say, standing up, both of my palms pressed against the table's surface, my body leaning forward in her direction.

"No need to behave like that. Your nose has been fixed properly and  _he_  was the one who paid for it."

"Fair enough. Since  _he_  was the one who broke it in the first place," I take a deep breath, "You know what? I don't agree with you. I don't believe I should be feeling grateful to you guys like you want me to. I don't feel that you did me a  _favour_  by raising me, by not abandoning me right after I was born, like so many people do and like you could've _easily_  done like you keep pointing out. I believe that if you bring a child into this world, then that child is your responsibility. If you can't take care of her, you should look for someone who can. But you can't keep telling her that she's the luckiest person on earth that you guys decided to raise her and that she should feel so indebted, so grateful, that she'd live her life according to your wishes in order to repay your debts. I owe you  _nothing_. I repeat,  _nothing_!"

I inhale deeply after such a long and excited speech. Then I turn towards the people on the other tables and with a fake smile on my face, I say, "Sorry for disturbing your peaceful recess, but the show is over now, you can go back to your businesses."

I pick up my bag. "I'm leaving. I'm not coming back, ever. You can blame me all you want, for anything you want, but I simply don't care. If you keep appearing outside my door, I'll find a new place to stay. If you start coming there, then I'll find another one. I'll do anything, but I'll not come back to  _that_   _place_  and to  _you_   _guys_ ," I don't wait for an answer, I walk towards the door. I know she's staring at me with anger, disbelief and frustration in her eyes. I couldn't care less.

.

.

.

I didn't know where I was going. I was just wandering aimlessly because I needed something to do. I wasn't ready for this. But I think I handled it rather well.

I have no idea how long it has been since I left the café. Not that I care.

My plans with Sai is ruined, assuming he did have time to begin with. It's too late for that. And after all that drama, I'm sure I wouldn't be able to absorb anything he has to teach me. So I decide that I have no reasons to rush home. Apart from the fact that my friends have not been able to contact me since this morning and must be really worried. But honestly speaking, right now I'm not in the mood to be concerned about others.

I look around me and realise that I'm somewhat near the place where my favourite art shop is. So I decide to go buy the things I need. Being in a shop filled with art supplies always livens up my mood.

My shopping goes well but I'm not feeling any better. I feel awful, terrible. So, I go to a nearby park and sit on a bench in front of a fountain. Hoping this will help me feel better.

* * *

"Oi, Sasuke, I guess you haven't seen Sakura today, have you?" Naruto asks in a kind of serious tone.

"No."

What's with that question?

"Actually, Ino called me a while ago. Apparently, they haven't been able to contact Sakura since morning. She wasn't home when Sai went to her place for lunch, her phone was switched off. Ino has a key to her apartment, but when she went in, it looked like Sakura had left in a hurry. There were foodstuff in the kitchen, and her phone was gone as well. She might've returned after our visit and left again. Ino and Sai went to check before they went out. And now Shikamaru was there again and she isn't home yet. They're kind of worried," Naruto looks concerned as well.

They should be. It's late. She's been missing for the entire day.

"Maybe they should report her missing."

"Ino said they will if Sakura isn't home by the time she and Sai returns. She just called to ask if we happen to know anything."

"I don't," I pause, then I add, "But I'm going out for a short ride. I'll tell you if I happen to find her by any chance." I highly doubt that will happen though.

* * *

By the time I get off the bus, it's already dark. I walk really fast. Now I want to get home as soon as I can.

I skip a stair at each step and finally reaching my door, I almost drop my shopping bag on the floor. I would've actually dropped it without any care in the world had it not contained art supplies.

I reach inside my bag for the keys.

What the!

I forgot to take my keys.

Why does it have to happen today? Why now? Haven't I had enough already?

I changed my clothes before leaving to meet my mother and in a hurry, I forgot to take my keys from the pocket of my shorts. And suddenly seeing my mother had left my brain incapable of functioning properly.

Ino has a spare key to my apartment but I can't contact her cause my phone is dead.

I give up. I've dealt with too much shit in one single day. I don't have any energy left. I drop onto the floor in front of my door.

The only reason I didn't cry even once today was because I was in public places. I didn't want to cry and draw everyone's attention. But now I'm alone.

I'm all by myself outside my locked apartment and I feel like shit, I've never felt so bad in my life. Never. I want to cry. And I have no reasons to hold back. There's no one watching. No one lives in the other two flats, I have the entire floor to myself.

So I cry. Without holding back. I hang my head down, my arms wrapped around my knees, my face shoved between them and I cry. I cry like a little girl.

* * *

After locking my motorcycle, I check the time. 8:15.

Now, this is weird. Why am I being concerned about whether Sakura has returned home or not? She isn't my friend or anything. But knowing she's been missing throughout the day, it somehow bothers me.

I can call Naruto and ask him, but I don't want him to know I'm worried. I don't even want to admit it to myself. Why do I have to be worried about a girl I don't even know?

I guess it's human nature. You don't need to know someone personally to be concerned about their safety.

I decide to go check her place. That way I'll get my answer without anyone knowing a thing.

I'll just go and check from outside her door, I tell myself as I start going up the stairs. I'll check and leave before anyone can come and find me here.

I have not reached the first floor yet, a few stairs still left. But I can already see her.

She's sitting on the floor in front of the door. Face pressed between her knees, arms wrapped around them, her body shaking. It takes me a moment to understand that she is crying.

Why is she crying? What on earth happened to her? And most importantly,  _what should I do?_

What do you do when someone cries so sadly, so helplessly, so heart-wrenchingly in front of you? I guess the right thing to do is to try to comfort her, to ask her what's wrong. But I've never done such a thing before. Not once.

So, I stand still, trying to figure out how to start, looking at her, still five steps from reaching the first floor.

Then I decide to leave.

I'm not the one she needs now. I'm not her friend, I don't know her and she doesn't know me. Nothing I can do will help her. She'll most likely be embarrassed about being seen by me like this.

Yes, I will leave. Then I'll call Naruto and tell him to ask Ino to come here. She is the one Sakura needs. If not her, then maybe Sai, or Shikamaru. It has to be one of her friends.  _Not me_.

So, I decide to go back downstairs. I try being extra careful to not make any noise but certain things have a tendency of happening exactly when you do not want them to happen.

So, my plan of leaving silently fails and she looks up and sees me. Her eyes red and overflowing with tears, meets mine.

If I thought I was in an uncomfortable situation before, then I don't know how to even begin describing my current state. Running away is no longer an option, I have to face the situation.

Which happens to be a crying Sakura, sitting on the floor, looking really broken and vulnerable.

And I hate that sight. I really hate it. But I have no idea what I can do to fix it.

I'm trying to think. What do I say? When greeted with a 'Hi' from someone, I either ignore it, or reply with some meaningless monosyllabic sound, or in case of Naruto, with some insult. And none of it suits the current situation.

So, I simply stare back at her. Still trying my best to come up with an appropriate phrase. Why is this so damn hard?

"What are you doing here?" Sakura asks, her voice broken from crying like that for who knows how long.

Great!

 _She_  is the one crying her heart out. I should be the one to say things, trying to comfort her, trying to find out what happened to her. But see what actually is happening!

And,  _why am I here?_

To check if you're back. Because I was kind of worried about you.  _That_  is the only reason I am here. I don't even have the autograph with me. I can't just lie and say that I'm here to hand it over to you.

"I was asked to check if you're back."

She frowns, "By?"

"Naruto." I can tell from the look on her face that she isn't buying it.

"Ino asked him, but he was busy. So, he asked me," I lie with a straight face.

She studies me for a while. My lies might be found out if I let her keep questioning me like this.

"Why are you sitting here on the floor?" I ask, finally making it all the way to the first floor.

"I forgot my keys."

" _That's_  why you were crying here like that?" And here I was, being so worried.

"No. A lot of things happened today, I was really exhausted," she looks away from me, still sitting on the floor, "I was going to cry my heart out once I got inside my flat, but when I realised I've forgotten my keys, I couldn't hold it in any longer."

Is she that straightforward? This is the first time we're talking to each other.

"Can you keep it to yourself though?"

I see. Since I've already seen her in this state, she isn't bothering trying to hide it from me.

"You needn't tell me that. I won't tell anyone."

We all have our vulnerable moments; moments when we feel pathetic, broken, pitiful. And we do not want anyone to see us like that. I happened to see her in that state, but I'll not let people use it to ridicule her. Because I would hate it if it happened to me. But of course I don't need to give her such details.

"Thank you," she finally stands up. She wipes the tears away with a handkerchief that she takes out from her bag.

Suddenly I hear Ino's loud voice, "Sakura!"

She practically jumps at Sakura and gives her a tight hug before asking, "What do you think you were doing? You weren't home, your phone was out of service, we were going to report you missing."

"I'm really sorry Ino," Sakura sounds really apologetic.

"Where were you?" Sai, who has been accompanying Ino asks from behind me.

"I went out," she pauses for a few seconds before adding, "With my mother."

To which, both Ino and Sai react immediately.

"What?" Ino's voice sounds sharp.

"Yes, she found me, Ino," Sakura sighs, she sounds tired.

I guess she has issues with her family, or maybe it's just her mother. I don't know. I'm kind of curious but I don't want to pry into her private matters. So, I decide to leave.

"I'll leave then," I'm starting to leave when Sakura speaks, "Thank you for coming to check on me, Sasuke, I really appreciate it. Tell Naruto I said thanks to him as well," she smiles.

"You came to do _what_?" Sai asks abruptly, looking at me.

"Yes, Ino, even I was wondering. When did you become such good friends with Naruto and Sasuke?"

This is bad. My lies are about to be found out.

"What are you talking about? I didn't ask them to do that," Ino declares.

"That moron!" I have no other choice. I have to blame it on Naruto. "He lied to me," I try to sound really mad.

I think my acting is really convincing because Ino says, "Well, I did contact him in the evening, but that was to ask if you guys have seen her. I didn't ask him to come here to check. Maybe he misunderstood."

"Might be it. Whatever, I'm leaving," I rush down the stairs before anyone can move.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song mentioned: Let It Be by The Beatles


	3. Promise

I had always heard that waiting is painful, but I never knew the extent of it.

I had started to come in terms with the fact that I've failed to get Kakashi's autograph; at least this time. But then last night, Ino told me that Uchiha Sasuke has one that he intends to give to me.

After that episode with my mother, I was sure that yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. But with that one piece of information, in an instant, it turned into one of the best ones.

I still can't believe it!

I'll not be able to fully believe it until I hold the autograph in my hands. It sounds too good to be true.

And too weird if you ask me.

Why would Uchiha Sasuke ask for Kakashi's autograph on my behalf? We're not acquaintances.

If it was someone else, I'd have thought it was a prank. But he doesn't look like someone who'd do that. I know that looks can be deceiving but still... I'm hoping that it indeed is true.

I don't care what compelled him to do this, all I care about is that I'm getting Hatake Kakashi's autograph. End of story.

And I can't wait.

I wish he'd be here already. If it was Sai or Shikamaru, I'd have run to their room the moment I found out about it. But that's not the case with Sasuke.

He's not my friend. No one in the Sports Department is; I can't get inside their dorm. Specially the boys' dorm.

So I'm being forced to wait. I have nothing else I can do. I've been expecting him since I opened my eyes this morning. I've been expecting him all this time but he hasn't arrived yet. I'm getting a little impatient. Well... not just _a little_.

And I know I have no rights to do that. He has already done way more than he needed to.

Actually, to be honest, there was nothing he _needed_ to do. But he chose to. And now I want him to come deliver it to me as soon as he can. What do I think he is? My personal attendant?

Since he didn't arrive in the morning, I utilised that time to find myself a decent work. Although yesterday was not a good day for me emotionally, I actually managed to get some tasks done. I mean I finished my shopping. And now that mission find-a-work has been accomplished, I feel kind of at ease. Since Sai had his date with Ino yesterday, he's free today and will be coming here in the afternoon.

Just like always, things are ultimately working out.

But, no matter what I'm doing, my mind keeps flying back to Kakashi's autograph.

When do you plan to come, Uchiha Sasuke?

* * *

In the end, I decided to come alone. Because after last night's incident, I can't risk bringing Naruto anywhere near Sakura. I don't trust that mouth of his, he might give away my secret and not necessarily by mistake.

So I walk out of the back gate of our campus and cross the road. Then I have to go left and walk for about a minute before reaching a narrow passage between two buildings. This actually is a shortcut. The passage leads to an alley where I have to take a right turn and walk for like two minutes. It's way too narrow for a four-wheeler and has a dead end in the direction I'm heading towards. No wonder it's too quiet. The only people using it are the ones who live here in these buildings. These actually are the back sides of the buildings. The front sides face the main road. I guess the flats on this side are cheaper.

As I approach the building where Sakura lives, I can already see her from a distance. She's sitting on the third step from the bottom, feeding three kittens and petting them.

She's too focused on the kittens, so she hasn't noticed me yet.

She looks like she's having a good time. She's also talking to them. I don't get why people do that. How are animals supposed to understand human language? But if I had to choose, I'd rather see her talking nonsense to cats than see her crying the way she was last night.

She finally takes notice of me.

"Oh, you're here, I've been waiting for you this whole time," she stands up immediately with a bright smile on her face.

I know she means she's waiting for _the autograph_ and not exactly for _me,_ but there's a certain warmth in her words. It might be nice; seeing someone's face light up like this just from seeing you. Except the fact that _I_ am not the reason she's so happy. I almost wish it was.

What am I even thinking?

"Here," I give her the sports magazine inside which I had kept the autograph. She takes it from me and takes the autograph out, her facial expression changes in a moment. She keeps looking at it, "It's the real one!" She almost jumps.

Of course it is, what is her point? Why would I go such lengths to bring her a fake autograph?

"It really is Hatake Kakashi's autograph, Sasuke!" she looks at me, literally shouting, "And, and he has written these words for me? Specially for me? _'Dear Miss Haruno Sakura, thank you for supporting me, I am sorry  you could not reach me today, but I really appreciate having fans like you. Take care, Hatake Kakashi.'_ "

I can see tears in her eyes once again, but this time I know it's out of happiness. So it doesn't bother me.

Since I asked Kakashi for the autograph, there were moments when I had my doubts. Maybe it would've been better if I had not done that. There were moments when I considered not bothering to give it to her at all. Especially when her friends and Naruto were getting on my nerves. But when I saw her crying like that last night, I thought that I should give it to her after all, that whatever had happened between her and her mother, this will definitely make her feel better. And now seeing her this happy, it was the right decision. What I did was the right thing to do.

"I'm sorry," she says, rubbing her eyes, "I might look like a crybaby to you, you seem to see me cry a lot."

Well, that indeed is true, I mean, since last two days, this is my third time seeing her cry. But it's not bad if it's out of happiness.

"It's okay," I say in my usual flat voice.

She looks at me, with confusion in her eyes.

Was that not a correct response? Was I supposed to say something else? Or was I supposed to elaborate it a little bit?

I'm trying to figure out when she goes, "You're not very sociable, are you?" with an amused look on her face.

That goes without saying, I don't think she needed to add the 'very', I'm not sociable at all. Not that I have any problem with that.

"You were really weird last night," she sounds kind of amazed, "I mean who'd behave like that? I'm sure I looked really pathetic, crying the way I was. Not saying I'm upset you didn't try to console me or offer me your shoulder to continue with my crying ," she sticks her tongue out, "But you were really weird, you had no idea what to do. I almost felt like _I_ had to help _you_ feel at ease," she giggles.

Okay. Talking about last night, there are so many things I'd prefer not to think about ever again.

"I'm not good with people," I state.

"I already know that," she gives an amused smile. She actually smiles a lot.

I'm trying to figure out what to say when I feel something at my feet. Looking down, I see one of her kittens, trying to bite at my trainers but not doing very well because of the small size of its mouth.

"Are these your cats?"

"No, not really, they are stray," she looks affectionately at the kitten trying to chew my shoe but does not make any move to stop it. "A stray cat in the neighbourhood gave birth to them, but now they're grown up by cat standards, so their mom no longer looks after them. But they're still young, so I just give them some food, and play with them sometimes. I'm not in a position to adopt them, I just try to help them a little bit," she looks back at me, smiling.

"I see," I look at the other two still busy eating their meal, "You love cats?"

"I didn't. Not that I hated them, but when I saw these three, I kind of fell in love with them. They looked so cute, so innocent, I felt like I wanted to make sure nothing bad happens to them," she smiles, "I guess you could say that I'm not fond of cats in general, but I absolutely adore Electron, Proton and Neutron."

Wait! What?

"Electron, Proton and Neutron?"

"That's what I call them. At first I was going to call them Blossom, Bubbles and Buttercup, but Neutron is a male cat. I can't name him after a girl."

"And you can name them all after atomic particles?" I can't help commenting about her weird choice of names.

"I mean what's the problem? I don't think they mind."

Of course they don't. Because... they are cats. They _cannot_ mind. So, this Neutron guy wouldn't mind even if he was given a feminine name. It's not like he'd be going to a 'Cat School' where other male kittens will be bullying him for being called 'Blossom'. But they are Sakura's cats and she can name them whatever she wants. It's none of my concern. So I keep quiet.

* * *

I never thought I'd be saying this, but I think he's kind of funny. Yes, the Uchiha Sasuke, the ever serious, ever straight faced Uchiha Sasuke, I do think he's funny. He did look very intimidating to me, totally unapproachable, the proud type; but right now, I think he's kind of sweet. Especially after what he did for me.

"Hey, Sasuke, why did you do this for me?" I ask, "You had no reason to. You don't even know me."

"Ah," he stops to think for a while, "Well, when I ran into you, in the gallery, I knew from your reaction that you weren't there to hit on me. And I happened to see you when you were watching Kakashi play, I could tell that you really admire him. As a player I mean."

"I do. I really do, Sasuke. I've been his fan since I was seven. He was just a newcomer then. I had no idea he'd become one of the greatest talents this sport has ever seen."

Sasuke is looking at me now, listening to my words carefully. I look him in the eye, "I _can't_ tell you how thankful I am. What this means to me, I doubt I'll be able to convey it properly. Not unless you too have someone you admire this much. Do you have anyone like that?"

"Not really," he doesn't have to think before answering.

"I see. So I can only hope that you understand me when I say this, I'm really thankful you did this for me, Sasuke. I really mean it."

I hope he understands.

"Do you want to come to my flat? I can make you coffee."

"It's not the right time for coffee."

"Are you crazy? Any time is right for coffee."

"I don't drink coffee after lunch," he stops before adding, "In fact, I don't drink coffee that much. I prefer tea."

"Oh."

And I'm relieved. I didn't really want to invite him over. I know that so far he has only done things that give me enough reasons to be impressed by him. But the truth is that he's a guy I know nothing about and inviting him to my flat is not really a good idea.

It makes me remember that uncle who'd come to our place.

He was an old friend of my parents and I had been seeing him since I was a kid. I remember the last couple of years before I left home. He'd come to our house a lot. Because not many people were willing enough to sit there and listen to my mother whining about my father's alleged affair.

He'd come to have a little chat with my mother and would often ask for me.

And I didn't like the way he touched me. He didn't try anything; never. But I didn't like the way he'd brush my cheeks softly with his thumb or the way he'd gently stoke my bare arms while asking me how I was doing. It felt creepy.

And I didn't really understand why he did that. I mean there was always a possibility that he was doing it because he still saw me as his friends' little girl, except for the fact that I was no longer a little girl and that he never did that when I actually was a little girl. Or maybe he really intended to take advantage of me but couldn't because of many reasons. My father might have taken it upon himself to break my nose, but I'm sure if anyone tried anything inappropriate with me, he wouldn't just let it pass. People can be really weird sometimes.

But here Sasuke has specially come to deliver Kakashi's autograph to me, it'd be impolite if I don't ask him to come inside. But since Sasuke has turned my offer down, I'm relieved.

"Okay. But let me do something in order to thank you."

He stares at me for a while; "You don't have to. I didn't do it expecting something in return," he says matter-of-factly.

"Of course you didn't," I answer immediately, "But _I_ would feel really bad if I don't get a chance to thank you properly," I insist.

He doesn't say anything, just keeps looking at me.

* * *

What is this about? This episode isn't over yet? And what's with the fact that I'm not as irritated by it as I'd expect me to be? Rather, why am I _not at all_ irritated by the fact that this thing is still dragging?

And what does she mean by 'doing something to thank me'? Should I have just accepted her offer for coffee? But I really don't drink coffee at this hour. On top of that, I don't think it's right for me to go to her flat.

Come to think of it, _I_ am not the one who's supposed to be thinking about that. _She_ should be. She should be cautious. How can she be so casual about inviting a guy she knows nothing about to her flat? Is she _that_ stupid? I turned down her offer, but if it was someone with some ulterior motive, he surely wouldn't do that. And she has a lot of fan following. Does she not know? Or is she so overconfident that she simply doesn't care?

"What are you thinking so hard about?"

"That you shouldn't be inviting unknown guys so easily."

"Huh?" the look on her face tells me that this wasn't at all the reply she was hoping for.

Then she raises an eyebrow, clearly looking amused.

"So, you're telling me that you might be a pervert and that I shouldn't trust you?"

"I'm not. But you can't possibly be so sure about it. You barely know me. I'm just saying that you should be more careful."

"I was being polite. Inside I was hoping that you'd decline my offer," she admits.

Really?

"So, you were just being _fake_?"

"To put it bluntly, yes. But I guess this counts as being sociable, not really your cup of tea," she smiles.

I frown. So, being sociable is about being fake?

"But in case you happened to accept my offer, I'd have sent a text to Shikamaru, informing him about it," she smirks.

Shikamaru?

"He's your boyfriend?"

That might be it! Their group consists of two guys and two girls; if two of them is a couple then chances are the other two might as well be one.

"No. He isn't," she denies, "I said I'd send a text to _him_ because he's more level-headed than Ino or Sai."

Well I have to agree.

"So, about my thank you gift, what do you think I could do?" she asks me.

What can she do? For me? I have absolutely no idea.

"You have no idea, do you?" she looks at me with a hint of amusement in her eyes.

"Let's say, I buy you a dinner, because I shouldn't consider buying you coffee after knowing that you don't like coffee. How about that?"

That's not a bad idea.

"Fine by me."

"Okay. Let me clarify this first. I'm not a rich person. So I can't take you to a fancy place," she declares.

There's something about her honesty that I'm starting to admire. Like the way she told me that she doesn't trust me enough to invite me to her place. And now she's telling me that she lacks money.

"I didn't tell you to buy me anything in the first place. You were the one."

"Of course _I_ was the one. I'm just saying that I have certain factors I have to consider. I'm saying that I hope you understand the _gesture_."

"I do understand."

"That's good to know," she smiles, "Is Wednesday okay with you?"

Wednesday, Wednesday... I try to think if I have anything planned for Wednesday. I don't.

"It is."

"Okay then, Wednesday it is. At 7:00. I'll meet you at the front gate."

"Okay."

"It's a promise. Don't stand me up."

"I won't."

"Save my contact number."

What?!

"My phone is in my flat upstairs, I'll have to go fetch it if I want to save yours. So, you save mine and send me a text later."

Why would I do that? But then again, why not? I mean what is so bad about me and Haruno Sakura having each other's contact number? I know by now that she's not one of my obsessed fan girls. So I guess it's okay.

As I leave after having saved her contact number, I feel kind of troubled. I always do my best to avoid interacting with people. I didn't really try to do that today. If I think properly, I accepted her offer way too easily. That's unlike me. But I get it. Someone is buying me dinner to thank me for something. There's nothing unacceptable about it. And she isn't someone I can't stand. So I guess that's why.

Yes. That might be it.

I would have accepted it if it was Naruto. It's the same with her. Except the fact that Naruto is my one and only friend and she is someone I've talked to twice in my life. But I'd like to get to talk to her again in the future.

Wait! Did I really think that just now?

* * *

"It's a date," Ino declares from my couch.

"No it's not," I protest, "I'll just buy him dinner. That's all."

"And you two will just eat dinner in silence and say goodbye and never see each other again?" she raises an eyebrow.

"Well, I might _happen_ to see him again, since we go to the same college."

"Don't play word games with me, you know what I mean by _seeing_."

"I have no reasons to continue meeting him after this," I say and focus on my sandwich.

"Let it go, Ino," Shikamaru says from beside me on the floor.

"You shut up. I don't need the opinion of someone who doesn't have the guts to confess to the girl he likes," Ino says, intending to shut him up for good.

"Hey, she's kind of intimidating," Shikamaru sounds irritated.

"Didn't keep you from falling from her," Ino isn't ready to give up either.

I look at Sai who's sitting on the floor at a distance. Hoping for help. But he looks like the only thing he cares about right now is the sandwich in his hands.

"Okay. Stop it, you two," I have to do it myself.

"Shikamaru, you better confess to Temari while you still have time. She's in fourth year already. I think you owe it to that _intimidating_ nature of hers that she's still single," I say in one breath.

"And Ino, stop trying to employ a boyfriend for me. You know I can't have one. Of all people, you know it very well."

"And as the one who knows about it so well, how many times do I have to tell you that not every couple end up like your parents? I mean, take mine for example. They are pretty lovely with each other. Your parents are that way because they themselves are kind of weird."

That might be true. But that doesn't help me at all. It's not that I don't _want_ _to_ believe in love. I do. I so wish that someday I could find someone who'd love me for real. For who I am, accept me for the person that I am, the good and the bad as well. And of course, I'd do the same for him. I'd be his home. That's what I've been craving for throughout my life.

A home.

A family.

And it sounds so easy to get. But is isn't. Trust me. Just because you're related by blood doesn't mean you're family. Just because you spend years living in the same house, doesn't make it your home. It's much much more complicated than that. And I think that only a few people are lucky enough to find a real family. And for some reason, I already believe that I can't be one of them.

"Oi, Sakura?" Shikamaru's voice brings me back to reality.

"Stop spacing out like that when we're having a serious discussion," Ino demands.

"We're not having any serious discussion. We've had this discussion many times already and it never gets anywhere."

"That's only because you're so damn stubborn, Sakura," I can tell that Ino is starting to lose her patience. "I'm not saying that you should go hunting for guys. I'm just saying that you should stop being so determined to not even giving it a try."

"I _do_ _not_ do that."

"Yes, you do. You totally do. Do you not remember how you turned down the senior who confessed to you?"

"Are you talking about Lee? For God's sake, Ino, I didn't know a thing about him. Who goes out with a guy who suddenly appears in front of her and asks her to be his girlfriend? That's really weird."

"It is. But tell me, did you even try to get to know him? Even once? To find out what type of a person he is? No. All you cared about was how to turn him down."

That is true. Can't argue with that.

"I've been intending to say this for a while, don't let the experiences of your past ruin your chances for happiness in the future. You've suffered, it's only natural that you're afraid. I understand. But you have to take a chance when it comes," Shikamaru says in a serious tone.

"I get it, Shikamaru," I really do. But I'm not scared because I want to. I'm scared because I can't help it.

"And for the millionth time, not all guys are like your father," Sai joins the conversation for the first time.

"I know that. I've told you guys already. I'm not afraid of you two."

"Why?" Sai asks.

"Excuse me?"

"We are guys. So, why are you not afraid of us?"

"I know you guys wouldn't do that to me." What's with this stupid question?

"And how do you know that?"

"Huh?"

"How can you be so sure we wouldn't do that? It's not written on our foreheads."

"Exactly my point," Shikamaru comments from my side.

"You can trust us because you took your time to know us first," Sai says.

I see. They're not asking me to go looking for a boyfriend. Ino can be a little pushy at times, but I get it now. They just want me to give the effort to understand people.

"You do want to find someone, don't you?" Ino speaks again.

I nod.

"But you're afraid."

I nod again.

"So, take the time to know people, try to be friends with them first. If all you can think of is how to turn people down, of course you'll never find anyone."

She _does_ have a point.

* * *

Since that incident during my game with Naruto, I've come to learn a few things about the popular Haruno Sakura.

Like the fact that she lives by herself; most likely because she has issues with her family. And that she wears men's shorts and loose vest tops and wears her hair in a not at all 'girly' way when she's at home. And that she gives really weird names to her cats.

She's so different from the perfect image of hers that her fan boys keep worshiping. And when they are the ones chasing after her, _I_ am the one who gets the chance to see the real her. I find it kind of amusing. And for some reason, I don't want to let them know the things I find out about her.

I don't tell Naruto about my dinner plan with Sakura. I'll tell him on Wednesday shortly before leaving. That will make it look really unimportant. Just telling him to go eat dinner by himself because I'll be having mine with Sakura.

But why am I so keen on making it _look like_ it doesn't mean anything?

I guess I'm just thinking about it way too much. 


	4. Friendship

I decide to have a shower first. It's especially hot today and after my super long practice session, I'm feeling really sticky and dirty.

Tennis is a tough game. Not trying to imply that all the other games are easy. Just making a statement about tennis because that's what _I_ play. 

So, tennis is a tough game. But for some reason, people have a concept that that's not the case for us who play it better than the majority. That we play it better because it's _easier_ for us.

Well, it isn't. We play it better because we hang on in there.

It wasn't easy for me. I once was a little kid, the youngest one at the academy. And my coach wasn't the type of a person who takes such things into consideration. He isn't till this day. Although he isn't my coach anymore. But I owe him a lot. I appreciate what he did for me.

But it wasn't like that from the beginning. I think it's safe to say that I _hated_ him. I really did.

I was just five and I used to hope that he'd go easy on me. That when I failed to hold the racket correctly or to hit a shot properly, instead of telling me to forget about tennis and go home, he'd console me.

But he never did.

On the contrary, he remained the same merciless, demanding person he was on the day he was introduced to me as my tennis coach.

I always wondered _why_ he did that. Most of the students hated him. He would always find something to criticise even when someone won a big tournament. He wouldn't take part in the parties organised by the academy to celebrate those victories.

There were rumors that he behaved like that because he was jealous. Because he himself never managed to make it big as a tennis player.

He definitely wasn't the most popular teacher at the academy. And a lot of his students in fact took his suggestions seriously and quit tennis for good. I never understood what his problem was.

However, I do now.

Because the fact is, no one cares if you're younger, weaker, at a disadvantage. Not in tennis, not in life.

You'll have to compete with everyone and with whatever you've got. If it's more difficult for you, then it's _your_ concern. _You_ have to find out the counter-measure for that. But you can't expect someone else to stand up for you and shield you from the harshness of the world.

The world is not a fair place and you have two choices.

You can cry and complain about it; which will definitely earn you some sympathy. But at the end of the day, it'll not do a thing to improve your situation.

The other thing you can do is simply accept it for a fact and keep giving your best. Even in that case, there's no guarantee that you'll do better than others. Because that depends on the others and isn't in _your_ hands. But one thing is guaranteed; this way, you'll become the best version of yourself. And it kind of helps you feel better.

So, I chose the latter.

I believe in hard work.

The impediments the other kids saw as reasons to give up tennis, it's not like I never had to face them; that for me, it was way too easy, that I was _destined_ to be a tennis player. Those obstacles came my way as well.

And when they did, what I thought about was how to improve myself so that those hurdles will no longer be big enough to hinder me. Because I loved this game and there was no way I could live without it. 

So, I was there. I kept working hard when it was raining, when it was too hot, when it was early in the morning and everyone else was still in bed, when it was late in the evening and everyone had returned home, when it was the holidays and everyone was taking it easy. I was there trying to overcome my shortcomings.

And so was that lunatic coach of mine. He was _that_ fond of yelling at me!

 _That_ is the reason I'm here today. The reason I'm considered one of the best players around. Because I fucking earned it. And if I give the impression that I'm proud of myself, that's because I _am_.

I change into light clothes after my shower and wait for Naruto to go for lunch with.

* * *

It's almost 6:30 now. I start to get ready. I don't want to be late for my dinner with Sasuke.

I wear my favourite dungarees with a loose white cotton t-shirt. My hair is still damp from the shower I had earlier. So I just leave it like that.

I'm applying some baby lotion on my face when the doorbell rings. Although no-one was supposed to visit me at this hour, I have a really good idea who it might be.

"What's up, Pig?" I greet Ino as I open the door.

"Came to check on you," she smirks, "At times like this, you need some help from your experienced bestie."

"I doubt you have _any_ experience when it comes to going out with a guy without the slightest intention of hitting on him."

But she totally ignores my teasing and scans me from head to toe.

"You're wearing _that_?" I can hear the strong disapproval in her voice.

"Yup. It's comfortable and it's my favourite."

"It's way too baggy. It's impossible to make out your figure."

"And what do you need to do that for?"

"I don't. But I wouldn't say the same thing for Sasuke."

"I've made it clear to you already, I'm _not_ trying to seduce Sasuke or anything," try whatever you want Ino, I'm not being swayed by you.

"That's unfortunate. He's a real hottie."

"Stop it, Ino. You're about to make me not want to see Sasuke ever again," I speak louder than normal.

"I'm _making_ you, huh?" she says with a sly smile, "So, you _do_ want to see him again?"

"Maybe as a friend," I say in a calm voice, "It'll depend on today's dinner."

"Whatever, why are you not ready yet? Aren't you going to be late? It's 6:30 already."

"I'm almost ready."

"Not wearing any make-up?"

"I don't." I used to have a lot of make-up when I was younger. I had every product one can possibly think of. And every single item was costly as hell.

But I got tired of it.

There are things in life we chase after. Thinking that having them will make us feel better, happier, more accomplished. But once we finally get them, things don't go according to our expectations.

I wanted to look pretty. I started to put on make-up, I started to be concerned about my figure like so many girls my age did. But unlike most of them, I was successful in achieving my goals.

People would complement me. They'd tell me I looked pretty. My male classmates would steal glances at me when they thought I wasn't looking. And it felt nice. I admit it did.

But after a certain amount of time, the excitement faded away. And I started to feel like no one cared about me; the person that I was, the things that I liked, the things I wanted. All they cared about was that I was good to look at.

And I felt horrible.

When I looked at myself in the mirror, my face covered in layers of make-up, I felt strange.

The girl looking back at me seemed attractive, but _she wasn't me._ The spotless skin, the perfect eyebrows, the beautifully drawn eyes, the red lips, they were flawless; but they weren't mine. And I hated that.

That was when I realised it.

Nothing can make you complete if you feel empty inside. If you don't love the person that you are, no amount of praises from others will be able to satisfy you.

Maybe temporarily it will.

Like when a child gets a new toy and it becomes the centre of his attention. But soon he grows tired of it and throws it away to never look at it again.

When the excitement fades away, all you're left with is yourself. And until and unless you're contented with yourself, _nothing_ will be able to keep you happy for long.

Everything starts with finding the thing that makes you the best version of yourself.

And I had no idea what that might be for me. So, I decided to search.

And since make-up wasn't helping me out at that point, I decided to stop using them.

When I see girls trying their best to look pretty, I wish them success. And fortunately, looking pretty isn't that difficult. The market is full of products. But only after reaching that point, can one finally understand that it solves nothing.

Maybe I'll wear make-up again someday. I have nothing against make-up or people who wear them.

"Your make-up bag doesn't even qualify for one," Ino comments as she empties the contents on my bed.

A skin serum, a sunscreen lotion and a tinted lip balm with SPF. They're actually skin care products.

"I never asked you this, what did you do with all those things you had?" Ino asks looking at me.

"Made lip balms out of most of them, threw the rest away," I give her a proud smile.

"Lip balms?" Ino raises an eyebrow.

"Yup. The lipsticks, the blushes, and many of the eye-shadows. Lasted a while and saved me a lot of money after I ran away. This actually is the first lip balm I had to buy," I pick up the lip balm and apply it on my lips. It has a light pink tinge that goes well with my pink hair.

"And I didn't know it back then, but giving up on make-up came really handy when I decided to leave home later. Saves me a lot of money."

That's true. Make-up products are costly. Not having to buy them means I can use the money for other things.

"I'm ready to go. Are you going to stay here or are you leaving?" I ask Ino while putting on my pumps. I've always preferred wearing flat shoes. I'm no good with heels and I don't think they go well with dungarees. At least the ones that I wear.

"I'll leave after making myself a cup of coffee," Ino says lazily.

"Fine," I pick up my mobile phone and send a text to Sasuke; _'I'm leaving. Will see you at the front gate. Sakura.'_

Then I leave, saying goodbye to Ino knowing very well that she's going to be here when I return.

* * *

I have to knock four times before Naruto finally decides to open the door.

"What do you want, Bastard?" he pauses to take a look at me and then says, "What are you dressed up for? Where are you going?"

"I'm going for dinner."

He raises an eyebrow.

"With Sakura," I try to say as nonchalantly as I can.

"What?!" Naruto almost jumps, "Since when did you two start going out? Wow Sasuke! You really are something! And you even kept it form me. I have to say that I'm disappointed," he sounds like he really is hurt but I know that half of it is just acting.

"Don't jump into conclusions, Moron," I say, "She's just buying me dinner to thank me for the autograph."

"She's buying you dinner? It's your first date and _she_ is the one paying for it?"

"It's not a date," I try my best to defend myself, "I mean not in a romantic sense, and what is your point? Do you want me to buy myself a thank you gift on her behalf?"

"You do have a point," Naruto says after a few moments.

"I always do."

"Not really. Whatever, make sure that next time it's you who treats her."

"There's not going to be a next time," or maybe there'll be, who knows? "Whatever, what I came to tell you is that you'll have to go get dinner by yourself tonight."

"Yes, yes, I already figured that out," Naruto sighs, "But I'll forgive you since it's your first date. All the best Sasuke. Sweep Sakura off her feet."

"I have no intentions of doing that."

I really don't. And then I'm about to leave when I receive a text. I check it. It's from Sakura.

"I'm leaving, she's coming."

* * *

When I reach the front gate, Sasuke is already standing there. He's wearing a black round neck t-shirt and white cargo trousers. He's leaning against the wall with his hands in his pockets. I can't really see his face cause he's looking down and for the same reason, he doesn't see me coming. He looks really cool simply standing there like that. Not that I'm hitting on him or anything. 

* * *

"Hey, Sasuke," I hear Sakura's familiar voice and look up to see her approaching me, almost hopping.

There are certain things about her that make her look a little childlike at times. As if, she's too carefree, too happy, not aware of the harshness of the world around her. But that isn't true.

I found out that day when she told me she didn't trust me enough to invite me inside her flat. She isn't naïve no matter how much she looks like it. She's completely aware of the dangers lurking in the world and chooses not to be intimidated by them. I wonder why.

The thing she's wearing is made of denim and is really baggy with lots of pockets. I don't know what it's called but I've seen nursery kids wearing similar things. It gives her kind of a tomboyish appearance. Her shoes as well. They look like trainers but they might have some different name I don't know of.

Her pink hair is falling over her shoulders and around her face in an unruly manner. It hasn't been styled to ensure that every strand remains exactly where she intends it to. I don't think she's wearing any make-up. Or maybe she is, I can't tell because I know nothing when it comes to make-up.

But what I can tell is that her entire appearance has a very natural feeling to it. She doesn't look like she's trying hard to look good to impress me. And that's what I appreciate. I find it refreshing. I'm tired of having girls trying their hardest to catch my attention. 

Maybe if I try and if she's willing, we can even become friends. For whatever reason, I'm no longer determined to not become friends with her like I was before.

"Good evening," she smiles brightly.

"Ah," is all I can come up with.

"Still having trouble socialising?" she teases me. And I don't hate it. I don't like it either. I've just started to accept it as something Sakura does.

"Let's get going," she says when I don't say anything. She doesn't look like she's disappointed by the fact that I didn't care to reply. She looks like she was even expecting one in the first place. Maybe she too has started to accept the way I do things.

"Hn," I say and we head out.

* * *

I bring Sasuke to Ichiraku. I often come here with Ino, Sai and Shikamaru. It's not a high class restaurant but it's not a very cheap one where you'd expect to find someone like me.

And the reason is that I eat very little. I can hardly finish a soup by myself. And of course, my friends are always willing to pay for me. Not that I let them. I can't impose on their kindness.

We sit down at a table for two, facing each other.

"Don't think I'm hitting on you, but I'm starting to feel like we're on a date," I can't help saying it, "Maybe because I've never been on one before. I don't really know what people do on a date," I giggle.

He raises an eyebrow. But doesn't say anything. He isn't good at conversations. I already am aware of that.

"Am I talking too much? Do you want me to shut up?"

"Huh?" he looks at me like he wasn't expecting me to say that, "No, I don't mind," he says in a tone that makes me feel like he _is_ telling the truth.

"Good," I say and before I can continue my one-sided conversation with him, the waiter comes.

I order what I always order here; a Pork Dumpling Soup and Sasuke orders a Prawn Spinach Tomato pasta.

"You're just having a soup?" Sasuke asks as the waiter leaves.

"And you might have to eat one or two dumplings from that," I smile.

Sasuke looks at me with a look that tells me he's expecting an explanation.

"I had some eating disorders. I'm not proud of it obviously. And I'm trying to recover but it's harder than it sounds," I pause to take a sip of water.

"People are like, _'Eat more, why don't you eat?'_ but what they don't understand is: it's not that I don't eat on purpose, I can't eat. I don't feel like eating. And if I force myself to eat, I throw up."

"Even if it's your favourite food?"

"I don't think I even have a favourite food anymore. I guess dumpling is the food that I hate the least."

"You might be underweight."

"I am. My ideal weight range is 55-70 kg. I weigh 49 kg. There was a time when I weighed 38 kg."

"That's way too unhealthy," Sasuke sounds serious.

"I know. I also have low blood pressure. But like I said, I don't do it on purpose. I did, before. But not anymore. Now I'm trying to recover, but it's not exactly easy. My life is kind of hectic. So I don't always have the time to take proper care of myself."

"That's stupid," Sasuke interjects, "If you fall sick, you won't be able to take care of any of your so called 'important' tasks. Health is very important."

"Wow! I was sure that you don't give a single damn about other people," I smile, "Maybe I was wrong."

Sasuke looks at me. Looking a little confused.

* * *

She's right. I _do not_ give a damn about others. There are a few exceptions. Very few. And the last time I checked, Sakura wasn't in that list.

So, why do I care whether she eats or not?

"Enough about me," Sakura says, "Tell me, what did you do today?"

"Huh?" the abrupt change of topic takes me by surprise, but I prefer this over my internal confusion about why I care about Sakura's well being.

"Mainly practice. Then played a video game for a while in the afternoon."

"I see."

"What did you do?" I ask although I'm not generally the type that tries to keep a conversation going.

"Well, I had classes. And after returning home, I finally finished the book I was reading," she sounds really happy about it.

Our food arrives and we start eating. None of us try to talk for a while. I look at Sakura who's completely focused on her soup.

"What is it about?"

"Eh?"

"The book," I'm kind of curious. What type of books does Haruno Sakura read? I myself am not that fond of books. Not saying that I hate hate them though. I simply don't care about books. Like I don't care about most things.

"Oh. It's complicated," she stops to think.

So, she reads complicated books.

"There's a lot of things going on. For example, there's a parallel world; where things are almost the same as the real world but with some differences. Like, there are two moons in that world. That's how you distinguish it."

Did she say complicated? To me, the correct word seems to be 'weird'. Two moons in a parallel world?

"And this book has one of the best love stories ever," she declares.

"It's a love story?"

"No," she protests, "The love story is just a part of it, and it's beautiful."

Sakura gulps a spoonful of her soup then prepares to speak again. I can tell that she likes talking about it.

"You see, there's a man called Tengo and a woman called Aomame. They went to the same school when they were ten and secretly liked each other without having any idea that their feelings were reciprocated. They haven't seen each other since then. They are thirty now and have been with other women and men, but the one they truly love is each other and hope to meet again someday."

Okay. That is kind of interesting.

Sakura stops again. This time taking a bite of a dumpling. I decide to eat a prawn in the meantime.

"So, do they meet?" I actually want to know.

"Can't believe I'm giving away spoilers," Sakura says, "Yes, they do. And I cried when they did."

That's hardly a surprise.

"And in the end, there's a scene where Aomame says that she has been lonely for a really long time, and hurt," Sakura stops to eat once more.

Hey, eat later. Finish your story first.

"And she says that she wishes she had found Tengo much earlier, and she starts to cry. She never broke down throughout the entire story. She was always so rigid, so strong; but here she starts to cry, unable hold it back anymore. And you know what Tengo does?"

Sakura looks at me.

Let me think. Kiss her maybe. I'm not sure.

"He tells her that he does not agree with her. He says that this is the right time for them. He says, _'We needed that much time. To understand how lonely we really were'_."

That does sound deep.

"And I liked that line so much. Throughout the story it was Aomame I was admiring, she was such a badass. Tengo, on the other hand wasn't someone who leaves that much of an impression. He was very mediocre. But with this one line, he won me over."

Sakura focuses on her soup once more. So I go back to my pasta once again.

"And it made me feel better. There are so many things in my life that I want to complain about. Things that others have and I don't although I want them so badly," right now, she's almost looking like she's talking to herself "I often wondered why life was so unfair especially to me. But after reading that line I feel like maybe it indeed is better. We hardly treasure the things we get too easily. We never stop to think that there are others who'd kill to get those things. Because we don't know the pain of longing for it but having to live without it. But if we happen to experience this beforehand, we'll know it's true value and thus, when we finally obtain it, we'll know to treasure it properly."

I think it does make sense. I never tried to think about it before, but what she said about not valuing what you get too easily, I think at least that part is valid.

We eat in silence after that. 

"I think our conversation turned a little too serious," I lift my face at her words to see her giggle, "Maybe I shouldn't have talked about the book. But I just finished the book today and I can't help thinking about it."

"I like it. I never would've read it myself."

"You don't read books?"

"Not really. I mostly focus on tennis. Other than that, I like to play football as well. And I play video games at times. And I like going on motorcycle trips. Naruto generally joins me in most of these activities."

"You two are good friends?"

"Yes," that moron ended up becoming my friend after all.

"That's…" she seems like she can't find the correct word, "interesting," she finally says, "Given the fact that your rivalry is considered really legendary."

"That's on court," I say, "There's no friendship while we're on the opposite sides of the net. As players, we are each other's biggest rival but as people, we are each other's best friend," I try to explain.

* * *

This sounds weird. Being best friends with your biggest rival.

"I see," I finish a dumpling, "You want a dumpling?" I ask him.

"Huh?" Sasuke looks up, not immediately following the sudden change of topic, "How many dumplings were even there?"

"Five. I've already eaten four of them. Can't eat anymore."

"Didn't you say you were trying to improve your eating problem?"

"I am, this actually is my first time eating four of them," I smile, "I was so excited talking to you about the book, I finished four."

"I see."

Sasuke stares at me for a while and I can't help noticing how handsome he is. I'm not hitting on him, but he indeed is the most handsome guy I've ever seen.

There's an intensity in his black eyes. And what I like about him is how he looks at me when I'm saying something. I can tell that he actually is listening. He doesn't talk that much, but he's a good listener and I feel like he _does_ try to understand.

Maybe it's just my imagination. Maybe he doesn't care a little bit. Maybe right now, he wants this dinner to be over, so that he can get rid of me and return to his dorm. Maybe he doesn't want to see me ever again. And thinking about it, I feel a little sad. "

"What are you thinking so hard?"

I'm startled by his sudden words.

"That it'd make me really sad if you were thinking of me as a nuisance," I can't bring myself to lie.

I really want to know his honest thoughts.

* * *

What does she mean by that? Nuisance?

"Well, I wasn't super excited about this dinner plan," I was _kind of_ excited, "But I'm enjoying it," I say honestly. "You already know that I don't socialise that much, and I don't care what people think about me. I don't act to please others. I've been talking to you all this time because I really wanted to."

She keeps staring at me. As if thinking whether to believe my words or not. But I meant what I said.

"That's good to know," she finally says with a smile.

"Good," I say, reaching for the last dumpling in her bowl, "Now, let me have it before it gets cold."

I eat the rest of my pasta while she simply sits there, looking around, having finished the rest of her soup.

"Hey, Sasuke," she says all of a sudden.

I look up.

"That family, over there," she speaks in a low voice, "What do you think of them?"

Eh?

I take a look at the family she's talking about. A family of four. Father, mother, an older sister and a younger brother. They're eating and almost making a fuss; the sister is feeding the brother a spoonful of her own food while the mother is telling them to not make a mess. The father isn't saying anything but is simply looking at them.

They are looking like they're all enjoying their time together. That none of them wishes they were somewhere else. All they care about right now is enjoying each other's company.

And it strikes me all of a sudden.

There's nowhere I'd rather be right now. During our entire evening together, not once have I wanted to be anywhere else. I was too busy enjoying my time with her. Never did I wish it was over already so that I can return to my room.

And it feels strange.

When I'm with people, generally I keep thinking about returning to my room to spend time alone. Naruto being the only exception and I guess my elder brother. We don't share a close relationship, but when I'm with him, I don't feel like leaving. And I don't have to. Since he always does. My elder brother is too busy to spend time with me.

"I envy them," I hear Sakura whisper softly.

I look at the family again.

What did she just say? She envies them? Because they are a family who enjoy each other's company? Really?

"I wish I could be like them someday."

Hey, me too. But it's too soon to let you know that yet.

It seems like Haruno Sakura and I might have more things in common than I had expected.

I decide to focus on my pasta once again.

"Hey, Sasuke," she says all of a sudden.

When I look at her, she's looking at me with something in her eyes. Something I can't figure out.

"Would you mind if I ask you to become friends with me?"

Friends? I lived for eighteen years without having any. Then I've had one for almost a year now. And it's not bad. But do I need another one?

Actually I don't.

But I think about two possibilities.

One where this becomes my last encounter with Sakura and I never see her again after tonight.

And one where we keep meeting and spending time together like this.

I prefer the latter.

I do not _need_ another friend. But I _want_ Haruno Sakura to stay in my life. If she's saying that it's possible if we become friends, then so be it.

"Not really," I say taking a perfunctory sip of my water.

"Really?" her bright green eyes widen and there's a certain glow in them.

"Ah," I proceed to finish my pasta.

"Thank you Sasuke," she says in an excited tone, "I didn't plan it beforehand, but after spending time with you here like this, I really feel like we could become friends."

Want to know something weird? Me too. We indeed have more things in common than I had expected.

* * *

Sasuke walks me home regardless of how many times I tell him that it's okay. That it's a safe neighbourhood.

Sai and Shikamaru always do the same for me. But somehow it makes me happy when Sasuke does it today. Somehow it feels different.

And he has agreed to become my friend. That's all I'm able to think about as I ring my doorbell. I know Ino is in there. She isn't leaving until I give her a satisfactory report of my dinner with Sasuke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Book mentioned: 1Q84 by Haruki Murakami.


	5. Turmoil

The very idea of inviting Sasuke and Naruto never would've occurred to me. But of course, Ino has her own way of thinking that doesn't quite match with mine.

"So, what is this party about?" Naruto asks, his expression full of excitement.

"Well, in a way, it's kind of like a picnic, or a BBQ party," Ino takes it upon herself to explain it to them, "We cook simple foods, eat and drink, have a nice time; nothing fancy. It's just about spending time together with your friends."

"Sounds like fun, don't you think, Sasuke?"

At Naruto's question, I search Sasuke's face for clues. But he's as inscrutable as ever.

It's true that we decided to be friends. That was like two weeks ago. Since then, we've seen each other several times at the campus; and instead of ignoring each other like we did before, we've said 'Hi'. By that I mean I was the one who said 'Hi' while he replied with his typical monosyllabic sounds. But that's just how he is, I have come to understand that by now.

Moreover, I have no reasons to be pushy. It's true that I enjoyed our conversation back when we went for dinner together, but you can't simply decide to have deep conversations with someone every time you see his face.

However, in the end, he replies with a "Hn" and Naruto jumps in delight, "So, invitation accepted, we're coming tomorrow, Ino, Sakura."

.

.

.

"I don't think that was a very good idea, Ino," I tell her as we head towards her room.

"Why not?" Ino raises her eyebrows, "Didn't you see how enthusiastic Naruto was about it?"

"He was," I don't finish my sentence.

"Come on, Sakura," Ino says, understanding the underlying meaning in my incomplete sentence anyway, "Sasuke agreed to come, it's not like Naruto or I nagged him or anything. He agreed by himself."

That _is_ true. Sasuke isn't a child. I don't have to be bothered about such unnecessary things. Or do I?

* * *

_'You know, you don't have to come if you don't feel like it. I'll manage Ino.'_

What is this text supposed to mean? Is this Sakura's way of asking me not to come? I try to figure out. But it isn't really my cup of tea. So I ultimately decide to call her.

She picks up exactly after four rings.

"Hello," her voice sounds a little sharper over the phone, but it's still clear that it's Sakura on the other side.

"Ah, it's me."

"Yeah, I know. What is it, Sasuke?"

"I just saw your text. You want me to not come tomorrow?"

There's silence for a few seconds before she shouts out loud, "Of course not, why'd you think that?"

"You asked me not to come."

"I asked you to not _force yourself_ to come if you don't feel like coming," she pauses; "You really are something, Sasuke."

I see. She wants me to come only if that's what _I_ want. It's not that _she_ doesn't want me there. She's just trying to make sure that I don't feel uncomfortable.

"Hello, Sasuke, are you there?"

"Ah."

"Don't fall silent like that," she sounds like she's complaining, "I thought you just left the phone and went to take care of something else."

"I didn't."

"I know that by now."

Okay. So, the purpose of my call has already been served. Logically thinking, I could hang up now. But I don't. Instead, I wait; expecting her to keep the conversation going. Because I clearly don't have that talent.

"So, will you be coming?" she asks after a few seconds, as if listening to my silent request.

"Hn."

"Good," she sounds relieved.

This is kind of funny. As I listen to her speak over the phone, I can actually see her facial expressions in my mind. Very clearly.

This happens in case of Naruto as well. Till now, I was under the impression that it was because of getting too familiar with him, but I haven't really known Sakura for a long time. So I wonder why this is happening in her case.

"You stopped talking again."

"I was listening to you."

"But I wasn't saying anything. whatever, just so you know, I was only being concerned about you feeling out of place, you aren't really friends with them."

"I am with you," I interrupt her, "And Naruto."

I'm not friends with that loudmouth Ino or that Sai. That Shikamaru guy seems tolerable though. I couldn't care less about cooking, eating or drinking together with them.

But I'll be fine. I mean, I have mastered the art of ignoring unwanted people throughout my life. And even if I hadn't, I'm sure that after meeting Naruto, I'd have had to learn it as a survival strategy. In my opinion, he's the pushiest person that has ever existed on Planet Earth.

Sakura's friends aren't going to torture my brain like he does. Sure, Ino is like a female version of him, but she's most likely to focus her attention on Sakura, not me.

And who knows, finding new companions might even make Naruto give me a moment's respite. So, there actually is a tangible chance that I'd be able to spend some quality time at the party.

And, Sakura will be there. I had only agreed to attend the party because it was going to be at _her_ flat. If it was any of her friend's place instead, I never would've accepted the invitation in a thousand years. But come to think about it; all her friends live here in the dorms.

"I see," she speaks softly and for some reason, I can't guess her facial expression this time.

"Then, I'll see you tomorrow, Sasuke," I know she's smiling right now.

"Ah."

"Good night."

"Night."

* * *

He really said that.

He thinks of me as a friend.

I have had friends. Not many, not always, not very close ones either; but I could get along with people when I tried. The fact that my parents didn't like it is a completely different matter.

The point is _I have friends._

So why does having Sasuke as my friend make me especially happy?

Ino and I went to the same school. However, it took us a while to become friends. Then I met Sai and Shikamaru after coming to college. I met Sai at our department and Ino met Shikamaru at theirs. Then the four of us became a group. These three are my first real friends.

With Sai or Shikamaru, I have a good friendship. I trust them and all, we get along and can have a really good time. And with Ino, it's different of course. She's my best friend, she's kind of loud and overbearing at times but she truly cares for me. I mean she's that one female friend every girl must have.

But it's kind of different with Sasuke. Even I don't know how to express it. He doesn't speak much. He almost always wears the same stoic expression on his face. But when I'm with him, I feel like there's something different. I just can't pin it down yet.

Whatever, I'm happy he's coming to the party.

"Oi, Sakura, your fridge is kind of lacking free space. Where do we keep the drinks?" Shikamaru's voice brings me back to my kitchen.

"Oh, I'm taking care of that; leave them on the worktop for now."

I go to make space in the fridge leaving the kitchen to Ino for a while.

"Hey, you two, don't try to slack off," Ino shouts, "Come help us in here."

"Just two minutes Ino," Sai replies while sitting on the couch.

I really like our little house parties. It's kind of refreshing. We often eat together at my place on weekends. Sometimes we go to Ichiraku, sometimes we go on night outs together. But this type of gatherings are very different. It has its own charms. It's kind of cosy. It gives me a really good feeling, makes me feel warm inside.

"Why aren't you playing any music?" Shikamaru says from the couch.

"Okay, okay, I'm playing," I jump in excitement.

"What are you getting so excited for?" Ino rolls her eyes.

"I just bought a new song. I can't wait to play it on your speaker at high volume."

I connect my phone to her Bluetooth speaker and play _All Too Well_ by Taylor Swift.

"Hey, I think I've listened to it before," Ino comments as the song starts to play.

"You might have, it's not a new song, but it's great. The lyrics. It's just so heart touching, makes me miss my ex so bad."

"You don't _have_ an ex!" Ino scowls.

* * *

As we reach the first floor, I see that Sakura's door is left open and a soft sound of music is coming from inside.

I approach the door, Naruto walking two steps ahead of me. This is my first time seeing Sakura's flat beyond the door.

Sai and Shikamaru are sitting on a couch that's facing the left side, they haven't noticed us yet. Do they even know we'll be coming? I don't see Sakura. My eyes automatically start to search for her.

"You don't _have_ an ex!"

Oh, right! Ino is supposed to be here as well.

"That's the point," I hear Sakura's voice. She sounds cheerful.

I don't have any idea what their conversation is about, but the bottom line is that _Sakura does not have an ex._

And why do _I_ care about that?

"Hey, we're here," Naruto declares so loudly that it almost startles me.

Immediately, Shikamaru and Sai turn their gazes to us. And I feel kind of weird.

But then I see Sakura appear from the left side. And seeing her, I immediately feel at ease.

"You guys came!" she exclaims, a happy smile adorning her face.

"Of course we'd come, were you hoping we wouldn't?" Naruto fakes disappointment.

"No, no. That's not it, quite the opposite," she stops for a while, as if searching for the right words, her eyes fixed upon mine.

I might be wrong but I'm getting the feeling that her words were meant for me. Maybe she wasn't sure that I'd really turn up here. So, I give a small nod. Even I'm not sure if it was detectable at all. But Sakura's face lights up at once and she says, "I'm really glad you're here, come inside."

"Here, we brought these for you," Naruto says in a loud voice as he walks inside.

"What's in it?" Sakura asks as she takes the bag from him. "Ice cream! Strawberry flavour!" Sakura sounds happy as she takes the tub out.

"You like it? I am the one who brought it," Naruto grins as if he has done something that would normally be considered impossible by general human standards.

What's there to be so proud of, Moron? You brought a tub of strawberry ice cream; big deal! I could bring that.

"There's another one, blackcurrant," Naruto approaches her and takes the other tub out, "And Sasuke brought the ice wine."

"Ice wine? That's some expensive stuff!" Ino exclaims.

Yes. And rare. Thanks for noticing. But Sakura doesn't look like she gives a damn about any of that. And it puts me in an almost foul mood.

The couch can accommodate three people and Naruto has already taken a seat between Sai and Shikamaru. Even if he hadn't, I never would have felt comfortable sitting there like that. There isn't a chair. So I look around, trying to figure out where to sit.

"You don't have a place to sit, wait a minute," Sakura disappears inside a room and emerges with a plastic chair after a while.

"Here you go," she smiles at me as she places the chair near the couch.

"Why are you bringing chairs for them? They're supposed to take part in the activities, not to laze here on the couch."

"Yes, yes, we'll help," Shikamaru stands up at Ino's words.

For the first time, I take note of the fact that this place is filled with the smells of grilled meat and fish and maybe some vegetables as well.

* * *

"What's that?" Naruto asks, pointing towards my glass.

"Mint tea."

Naruto raises his eyebrows in surprise, "Tea? You're having tea?"

"I'll add whiskey to it," I smirk.

He looks totally taken aback now and so does Sasuke, who's sitting by his side but a little backwards.

"You should try it, it tastes great."

"And Sakura is the only one who thinks so," Ino interjects.

I give her a threatening look but she totally ignores me and reaches for a piece of grilled sausage. There wasn't enough seats available for all six of us to sit, so we all ended up sitting on the floor around the coffee table.

I'm really enjoying this. The dim light, the drinks, the foods, the music; everything. No one's talking too much, as if afraid of breaking the magic that seems to have enchanted my little sitting room.

I take a sip of my whiskey and tea and see Sasuke out of the corner of my eye.

He's sitting a little away from the circle. And I know it's intentional.

He hasn't spoken a word since we brought the drinks out. He hasn't spoken much ever since he showed up here. But he makes a huge difference by just being here, looking lost in his own thoughts, sipping his beer.

He's a sight to behold. He's wearing a dark blue V-neck t-shirt that shows his collarbone and I absolutely enjoy the sight of his neck muscles coming together there.

He takes another sip of his beer and I can clearly see the movement of his Adam's apple. Then suddenly his eyes fall upon me.

Oh fuck!

I move my eyes away immediately.

What on earth was I doing? I was clearly checking him out. Did he realise? I bet he did. Did the others notice too? This is so embarrassing!

It's all because I'm drinking way too fast. My alcohol tolerance isn't high and drinking too fast just speeds up the process of getting drunk.

I decide to slow down as I look away. My face is totally hot and that's not entirely because of the liquor.

I try to focus on the song that's playing.

It's that type of a song that makes you feel drunk without consuming a single drop of alcohol. This type of music is perfect for environments like this. But I'm starting to wish that someone would already change the song, the whole goddamn playlist.

But of course no one does.

And just five minutes ago, the music was all I cared about. But right now, I'm suddenly too into the lyrics.

_'Your lips_

_My lips_

_Apocalypse'_

Damn it! Damn it! "Someone change the song," I can't tolerate it anymore.

"Why?" Ino frowns.

"It's making me sleepy."

"You mean intoxicated, right?" she smirks, "Well, that's the intention. Enjoy it."

"Yeah, I really like the songs you are playing," Naruto says.

"I know, they're perfect for the mood."

 It's hopeless. _I_ am the only one who's being bothered by the song. I give up. Not like I have another choice.

.

.

.

Ino finally starts to cry. She always does it. Gets drunk and ultimately starts to cry for no apparent reasons.

Sai takes her to the toilet and then to the bedroom which happens to be the only other room in my small flat. I guess that officially indicates the beginning of the end of tonight's party.

By the time Sai comes back, Naruto and Shikamaru have moved to the couch once again, glasses of whiskey in their hands. Sasuke hasn't moved from his spot and doesn't look remotely bothered by the fact that the others have. He's still holding a can of beer lazily in his right hand.

Sai pulls the chair I had brought earlier for Sasuke closer to the couch and joins Naruto and Shikamaru.

I think it's time for me to stop as well. I can feel the effect of the alcohol in my system very well.

I get up from the floor, heading towards the toilet. I have to focus too hard in order to walk properly.

"Hey, Sakura, do you need help?" I hear Sai's voice.

"Nah," I turn with a ' _I'm fine, don't worry about me'_ smile on my face to assure him. And although I don't face Sasuke directly, I can see him observing me, knitting his brows.

I turn back and walk towards the toilet once again; this time, without any interruption.

I kneel in front of the toilet and open my mouth to push my right index finger inside. There was a time when I used to practice this three to four times a day. I no longer do that but I still do it when I drink.

I hate getting drunk. The idea of not being able to control my own body scares me. So, this is like a ritual to me. Once I figure out that I've reached my limit, I intentionally throw up, getting the alcohol out of my system.

Then I turn the tap on and wash my face and hair. After a while, I feel a little better. So I turn the tap off and dry my dripping hair with a towel.

When I come out, I hear Shikamaru's voice, "Did you throw up?"

"No, just poured some water on my head," I try my best to smile.

"Feeling better?"

"Yeah."

Not really. I'm not feeling much better, but I hate to admit it. This is my weird stubbornness. I drag my heavy body to the fridge and take a jug out. I need water badly.

* * *

What exactly am I supposed to do? Sakura seems to have a knack for putting me into awkward situations.

I look at the other guys. Sai has already passed out on his chair and so has Naruto on the couch, sending Shikamaru back to the floor. He's the only one except me who's still conscious. But not for much longer, I can see that already.

"She isn't going to remember that," he says in an extremely lazy tone and then closes his eyes, stretching out on the floor.

Okay, when I decided to come here for this party, I had imagined many scenarios in my mind and _this_ wasn't among them.

I was sitting on the floor, my right leg stretched out, while my right hand was on the beer can placed on the floor by my side. My left leg was folded with my knee supporting my left elbow. That was my exact position when Sakura came out of the kitchen, apparently after drinking some water.

She looked around, saw the couch and the chair occupied and didn't even try to check the room Sai had taken Ino to earlier.

She sat on the floor to my right. And she just kept sitting there, without moving an inch or uttering a word.

"Are you alright?" I couldn't help asking.

At that, she turned her face to me and simply kept staring at me for a while, not bothering with a reply. Then I don't know what happened, but she suddenly decided to lie down on the floor, placing her head on my right thigh, catching me completely off guard.

Now that everyone else is asleep, I can't really figure out what to do. I'm not drunk. I can still finish like three more cans and I know I'll be completely fine. But with Sakura sleeping using my leg as her pillow, I'm afraid of moving, I don't want to wake her up.

But what should I do? In my current posture, I can't really relax my body. I don't know when Sakura is going to wake up, probably late in the morning. If I sit here, obediently acting as her pillow till then, I'm sure to get serious cramps tomorrow.

But there's no other alternatives anyway. Ino is sleeping on her bed, the couch and even her chair is occupied. Everyone has drunk a lot, it will not be easy waking them up.

So in the end, I decide to let her sleep like this.

I watch her closely. Throughout the evening, I've gotten enough chances to see her, but this is completely different.

I can now see her from such close proximity and for as long as I want. I don't have to be concerned about being found out. So I utilise this opportunity.

She's sleeping soundly, most likely effect of the spirit. Her eyes shut, pink lips slightly parted.

Her hair was tied in a knot on top of her head when I arrived here. It left her neck bare. Which I noticed was kind of long and slender.

When I was younger, I had once read in a magazine about the famous bust of Queen Nefertiti from ancient Egypt. Her long, 'swan like' neck was referred to as one of her biggest charms. The me at that point had found the concept utterly ridiculous. But on second thoughts, I agree that long, slender necks _can be_ alluring depending on whose shoulders they sit upon.

Right now, her hair is let loose, slightly damp and it's dampening my trousers. But I don't mind. Not really.

The strands of damp hair from her fringe are sticking to her forehead at places. I notice that the pink of her hair takes a slightly darker hue when dampened.

Her chest is raising and falling with her deep breathing. Just like the other day, she's wearing a loose vest top. I can see her collarbones and of course her bare arms. Her skin looks so smooth that I feel like touching it just to ensure that it really is human skin.

What am I doing?

This isn't how I'm supposed to behave. She's sleeping, completely defenseless and I'm taking advantage of that? I thought I was a better person than this!

But no. How is this taking advantage? I'm not doing anything inappropriate. I'm just… seeing her. Because she's… beautiful. It's like when people admire the beauty of a great painting or an architecture. It's the same. There's nothing wrong about it.

I notice that her vest top has somehow ridden up, exposing her belly button. So I gently pull it down to cover her flat stomach.

See? I'm a total gentleman. I'm protecting her dignity when neither she nor any of her trusted friends is even aware of its necessity. Am I the Dark Knight or what?

I look at her legs. She's wearing those loose men's shorts again and her legs look extremely thin coming out of such voluminous clothes. And the skin there looks as smooth as her any other visible body part.

It's not so bad. I can spend my time looking at her like this. Honestly speaking, to me, this might actually be the best part of last night's party. Not that I'll ever admit it to anyone.

I take a deep breath. I don't think I'd ever get to watch her like this ever again. And that somehow makes me feel disappointed. Why is that?

When I agreed to come here, I was aware that she'd be busy, that I wouldn't be able to spend time with her like we did the other day. I didn't have any expectation.

When we arrived here, the way her face had lit up at our sight, I liked it. The day I came to give her the autograph, she had a similar reaction. At that time, I knew it was because of Kakashi's autograph. But today, it wasn't for something else. It was just us.

Was I wrong when I felt like she was especially happy by _my_ arrival? I wouldn't know for sure until I ask her. And I _can't_ ask her. It'd be really weird.

_'Hey, whose arrival made you happier? Naruto's or mine?'_

No way!

That'd be a very awkward question. And pointless. Yes. Totally pointless. So why am I even being concerned about this?

Sakura stirs a little in her sleep and I almost stop breathing in order to not disturb her. To my relief, she goes back to sleep.

This was an unexpected turn of events. But if I ever get invited here like this again, I'll be coming hoping for a repetition of this.

And I'll be disappointed; I'm completely aware of that. But this is already happening. And once something actually does happen, you can't simply treat it as an impossibility.

Last night, I once caught Sakura looking at me. The moment my eyes fell upon her, she was startled and looked away. I swear I saw her face taking up a shade of red. But that might've been because of the spirit. After all, she was drinking.

This is all I can do about the many questions I have regarding Sakura's behaviour. To assume. Because the only other way to find my answers is to ask her.

Why do I even have so many questions when it comes to her? Who is she? She's my friend. So is Naruto but somehow it's totally different in her case.

I think I have an abnormally large amount of interest in her. I want to know her, to know things about her; minor details. I don't care how insignificant they might be. This is totally unnatural. I don't take interest in other people. That's not my character. Why am I making an exception in her case?

I sigh and stretch my arms, trying to relax my body that has already started to ache. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs mentioned: All Too Well by Taylor Swift and Apocalypse by Cigarettes After Sex.


	6. Saviour

I haven't slept so well in a long time. I feel so refreshed, I could totally start my morning yoga session except it's not morning yet.

I really overdid it last night. How much did I drink again? I have absolutely no memories of falling asleep here.

Talking about that, what's this 'thing' in front of me? And... under my head?

Looks very much like _a_ _leg_! Yes, undoubtedly a leg. A really long leg clad in off white chinos. That rings a bell!

I jump as if I've just been electrocuted and now that I'm sitting straight, in front of my eyes I can see exactly what I knew I would but was still hoping that I wouldn't really have to.

Uchiha Sasuke.

His deep black eyes scrutinising me with such an intensity that I feel kind of nervous. Like he'll see through me, every cell of my body. Like he'll find out my deepest darkest secrets by simply looking into my eyes. Like it's just a matter of seconds.

"S-Sasuke?" I have to speak because one of us should in order to disrupt the intense atmosphere that has been created between us. And he clearly doesn't have any intention of being that person.

"Ah," my plan succeeds. He moves his eyes away and runs his right hand through his dark black hair, ruffling it carelessly.

But what exactly am I supposed to say to him after sleeping with my head on his lap for who knows how long?

"Um... How long have I been... You know...?" yeah, now I'm so embarrassed that I can't even say it out loud. Where was this sense of embarrassment when I was actually _doing_ it?

He looks at me for a while and then with his left hand, picks up his phone from the floor. What? Why is he ignoring me now after actually letting me sleep on his leg like that?

"About three hours," he says after checking the phone.

Oh. I see. He wasn't ignoring me. He was just checking the time.

But hey, hey, hey. Haruno Sakura, are you sure you should be happy about it? He just informed you that he acted as your pillow for about three hours.

Three fucking hours!

 _'Obliviate_!' I scream silently inside my head, but I don't have a magic wand. So, my memory erasing spell doesn't have any effect on him.

If magic won't work, then should I try hitting his head with a frying pan? Maybe that'd do it.

"Are you all right?"

Huh?

Huh?

Aww! Look how sweet he is; worrying about _my_ well-being, completely unaware of my brutal intentions.

"Yes," I answer, trying not to sound embarrassed but not daring to meet his gaze.

His eyes are on me once again, I don't need to look to know. Then finally, he speaks, "Don't worry about it."

What did he just say? When did he learn to say the right things at the right moment?

"You... should've woken me up," I keep looking at the floor.

He remains silent for a while, then says, "I didn't want to."

At that I finally look at him. What does he mean by that?

"Why?" I find myself asking before I can even consider if it's a good question.

He keeps staring at me for a while, then looks away and sighs before saying, "You looked very peaceful," with that he turns his gaze back to me, "I… didn't want to disturb you."

I have absolutely no idea what I should say. To be honest, I'm not even sure how to feel about it.

So, I decide to change the topic.

"What time is it now?"

"3:15" he says checking his phone again.

"I'm really sorry. You didn't get any sleep because of me."

"I did it because I wanted to. It was _my_ decision. you don't have to apologise."

And I decide it's okay.

I hate the idea of troubling others; no matter who they might be.

Even if it's Ino, I always try to make sure that she doesn't have to go through any hardship because of me. Not that I always succeed, but when I don't, it does bother me to a great extent. I don't like to take advantage of her kindness.

But for some reason, when Sasuke says it's okay that he didn't get any sleep because of me, I accept it rather too easily. I'm more selfish than I thought.

"As you can already see, my flat is rather small, I can't really offer you a place to sleep," I try to smile, "It generally always ends up like this," I point towards the guys sleeping literally anywhere in my sitting room.

"I'm fine," he says in a tone that makes it sound like it's not a big deal. Then he looks at me once again, "What about you? You didn't sleep long enough."

"But I slept well," I pause before adding "Thanks to you," I feel my cheeks getting warm; "I feel fresh. I don't think I'll sleep again tonight."

* * *

So, Sakura isn't going back to sleep again and I'm not planning to sleep here like these three idiots; I have more dignity than that.

What should I do then? Go back to the dorm? It's a bit too late now. But what am I supposed to do staying here?

"Hey, Sasuke," Sakura says in a very soft voice. I look at her. "Do you want to go to the roof?"

Eh? To the roof? At this hour? Why? But then again, why not? I mean, it's not something I'd do if I was by myself; but if Sakura wants to do it, I don't mind accompanying her.

"Okay."

Her face lights up immediately. And this time I can confidently say that it's entirely because of _me_. This time, there's no autograph or Naruto involved.

"Then, let's go," she stands up, suddenly very energetic; a little too energetic for this hour I'd say. Not that I mind. On the contrary, I think I find it rather interesting.

"I'll be back in a minute; need to use the toilet."

With that she disappears for a while. I stand up and stretch. My body feels a little numb but it's not as bad as I had feared it would turn out to be.

.

.

.

When we sit side by side on the roof, I'm careful to maintain a little distance. I honestly wish I didn't have to; but… well… I don't know how to put it… but just because she happened to sleep on my lap doesn't mean I'll use it as an excuse to invade her privacy.

"I absolutely love looking at the stars. It makes me feel like all my worries are so small, so insignificant; makes me feel better," Sakura declares in a cheerful voice, "What about you, Sasuke? Do you ever look at the stars?"

The stars, huh? The last time I intentionally looked at them was six years ago. Not because I really believed in such stupid things. But still, I couldn't help it. After all, _she_ was the one who had told me those stupid lies when I was a little kid.

_"Is that true? You're not making it up?" I frowned._

_"What?!" she reacted as if I had said something completely bizarre while in reality, it was the other way around, "Of course not. Anyone knows it Sasuke. When someone dies, they become a star in the sky."_

I had always had absolute faith in her; but at that time, I couldn't believe her completely. And I was right. I shouldn't have trusted her so blindly. Because years later, when I searched the sky- full of stars, like a maniac, she was not there. She was nowhere. She had disappeared completely. Without leaving any trace. She was such a liar.

"Thinking of something you can't tell me about?" as Sakura speaks, her soft voice sounds strikingly similar to _hers_.

So, I decide it's okay. I can tell her.

"My mother."

There's a pause. It clearly wasn't the answer she was expecting.

"Your mother?"

"She died," I say in a flat voice, "Six years ago."

Again, there's a pause.

"I see." Then she falls silent again.

Really? That's it? She isn't going to say _'Oh, I am so sorry'_? Like everyone else does?

"You miss her."

It's not a question. It's a statement. And it makes me realise that she _indeed_ is sorry I lost my mother.

"It's been six years," I try to sound nonchalant.

"But it's still painful. It'll always be. It's just that you have learned to live with it."

How does she know it so well? How can she possibly know it so well?

Then, it occurs to me.

"Who was it?"

Who did you have to learn to live without?

Another moment of silence. Then she says, "My Granny."

I don't say anything. I don't feel like I have to. And I know that she agrees with me. So, we sit there. Side by side. In total silence.

"I will always miss her," Sakura says, her voice almost a whisper.

"So will I," I finally find it okay to admit it to her, "No-one can ever replace her in my life."

"No-one can ever replace anyone in anyone's life. That's what I believe," she stops for a while, "We love every person in a different way. It's like a lock and it's key you know. There are different hollows inside of us and for each of them, there's only one person who can fill it. Some of those hollows are very very deep; so the person remains in our lives for a long time. Some of them are very shallow; so the job is done in a rather short amount of time. And then the person leaves and we feel like we didn't even need them in the first place. But we're wrong. We did. Exactly for that short amount of time. But their presence was necessary. And then, there are people like your mother, like my Granny; people who leave before they've filled the hollow they were assigned to. So, we're left with an emptiness that's going to last for ever. Because no one can fill it in their stead."

Is it just her or does everyone else go around saying things like this? I don't know cause I don't talk to people. But whatever the case might be, Sakura is the one who's saying this to me and _she_ is the one I feel thankful to.

I feel her shift a little closer to me. I get it. It's late now, and it's getting a little chilly.

I was trying to act like a gentleman by keeping my distance. But if _she_ is seeking warmth in me, I'm not going to retreat. I won't invade. But I'll let her get as close as she wants to.

When it comes to her, I'll give _her_ the right to decide. It's not something I ever do. But I've already accepted that when it comes to Haruno Sakura, the normal rules simply don't apply. I don't know the exact reasons, and I don't think it matters.

* * *

"Sakura," his voice is deep; it's the first time Sasuke has ever called my name. And it surprises me that someone can make me feel so many different emotions by simply uttering my name. It feels so warm, so intimate, so many other things; "Thank you."

That's… unexpected. And I'm not sure what exactly he's thanking me for. But I decide not to worry about it right now.

I shift closer to him once again. It might be a little too much; cause right now my bare left knee is touching his right thigh. But the fact that he didn't pull away when I moved closer to him earlier gives me the courage. And let's face it; I have slept on that thigh for like three hours.

"Are you cold?"

"A little bit."

He doesn't say anything, but leans his body closer to mine. He's so warm.

"Sasuke," I call his name. He doesn't reply but by now, I've started to read his silent answers. So I continue anyway, "I'm glad you told me about your mother," I pause, "And I'm glad I could tell you about my Granny. I don't talk about her much but she's my most treasured person," I stop there to think if I should continue and decide that I should.

"When you're young, the way you love people is totally different. It's very pure; because your heart is pure. And since my granny passed away while I was still young, my love for her stayed that pure. Sometimes I even think it's better that way. Had she lived till now, maybe my love for her would have become selfish and convoluted like I did as I grew up."

He doesn't say anything.

"Thank you for listening to me Sasuke, even if I'm making absolutely no sense," I giggle.

"No," he interjects but doesn't elaborate. That's just like him.

"You know, if you ever feel like you need someone to talk to, you can come to me. I'll listen and I'll try to understand."

Like you're doing right now.

"I'll not judge you."

Like you aren't judging me.

"Ah," is all I get as a reply. But I don't mind.

* * *

I've been thinking about Sakura ever since that night on the rooftop.

She makes me feel a certain way I never expected anyone to make me feel ever again. And till now, I had believed that it was alright to live like that; maybe even better.

But after meeting her, I'm starting to realise that it was just me trying to fool myself.

I was afraid. I knew only one person who loved me with all my faults. She never thought I was a disgrace when I failed at something. She never thought I was pathetic when I showed my weaknesses to her. She always embraced me with the same warmth.

After I lost her, I figured that no one else was ever going to accept me the way I was. And I felt pathetic, I felt like a waste. That was the lowest period of my life; the darkest phase.

That was when I had wanted to end it all for good. Everything.

But I wasn't brave enough.

Thinking about dying is easy. It sounds so easy, so tempting. Freedom from all your sufferings. But there are other things in life than sufferings. And death will take it all; it'll not leave the good parts. And as frustrated as I was, I still wasn't ready to give it all up.

So I decided to go for the next best option. Seeking perfection. To eradicate all my weak points, all of my vulnerabilities. Every single one of them.

But human beings can't be perfect. Our imperfections are inseparable parts of us; they contribute to make us who we are. They can't be thrown away just like that.

But they can be hidden. And that's what I did. I was never fond of socialising. So, it was rather easy.

I never showed vulnerability in any form. As a tennis player, inevitably there were moments of failure; but I never let anyone see how much they affected me. I'd loathe myself in private and maintain a strong façade in front of people.

I had learned that the world is a tough place. There's no room for the weak. So, I had to toughen myself up. And I was surprised by how good I was at it.

Then, I met Sakura.

She makes me feel like she'd not despise me for my imperfections. That she'd accept me for everything that I am; the good and the bad.

And it makes me realise just how tired I am of it. Of faking it all, of pretending to be super strong while inside, I'm crumbling.

It feels so refreshing. Like finally managing to breathe after being under water for a really long time.

And it's tempting. She's tempting me to try and make sure that she remains a part of my life.

But it's not that simple.

After that night's incident, I'm aware that I'm attracted to her in other ways as well. And I don't think it's unnatural. I'm young, so is she. And she's beautiful on top of that. What if I do something wrong to her?

I failed my mother. I was a selfish brat who only cared about himself. I was so obsessed with being loved; but did I ever stop to think what I was giving her in return?

I did love her. But what good ever came out of it?

What was I able to do for her? I was miles away, playing a stupid match while she was taking her last breath without anyone by her side. I am such a worthless person.

It's good for someone like me to stay away from Sakura. She's been hurt enough already. I don't know the details but neither does it matter. All that matters is that she deserves to be happy.

I'm an extremely self-centred person. I hardly care about other people. But when it comes to Sakura, I want her to be happy.

But still, at my core, lies this extremely selfish person who always thinks of himself first. So, I decide to continue with this _friendship_ as we call it.

I would keep her.

* * *

Here's the thing.

I like Sasuke.

I don't like him because of his cool guy image or anything. I like the Sasuke who became my friend. The Sasuke who listens to me and tries to understand. The Sasuke who opens up to me even if it's just a little bit.

That night, as we sat side by side, sharing the warmth of each other's body, sharing some of our deepest emotions, I suddenly felt it. This feeling of belonging, a very peaceful feeling. It was what I had always imagined as the feeling of being home.

Sasuke is showing me glimpses of what I've always wanted; but knew as impossible to get. He's luring me and it's totally working and he himself isn't even aware of it.

Sasuke doesn't know how desperate I am to not let him go; I want him to stay in my life. And I'm playing the only card I have in order to make it happen; the _good_ _friend_ _card_. Because that's the only way he'll let me stay in his life.

My feelings for him aren't entirely innocent. Ever since that party, there have been moments when I've thought of him in not so _friendly_ terms.

I've thought of his deep black eyes and long eyelashes and thin lips, I've replayed the images of his Adam's apple moving when he swallows something and his long fingers casually holding his beer can.

I've never been with a guy before but I'm nineteen. I understand where these thoughts come from. I've been friends with Sai and Shikamaru for a while. These days I've been seeing Naruto a lot. But I never picture any of them like this.

Sasuke doesn't know it yet. And I can only pray that he doesn't find out any time soon. Just how disgusted is he going to be?

Even I am disgusted with myself. I thought I was a better person than this. But here I am. Wearing the innocent mask of a friend and moving with ulterior motives. But I'm not strong enough to let go of him yet.

So I'll keep up with our so called _friendship_.

In my defence, I really want to be there for him. I'm not sure I can ever do anything to help him but I really want to.

.

.

.

"I'll come to watch your match," I declare to him.

He doesn't say anything. Neither was I expecting him to. So I continue.

"You play really well. I'm thinking that when Kakashi retires, maybe you can become my favourite player," I giggle, "But only after Kakashi retires; as long as he's still playing, it doesn't matter _who_ is the one on the other side of the net."

He stops walking and looks at me.

"But don't worry. As long as it's not him you are playing against, I'll always cheer for you," I give him my brightest smile.

"Do you have a crush on him?"

Huh?  

That's not what I was expecting him to say.

"No," this time it's me who stops walking in order to shout, "Not at all. I... how do I put it, I admire him very much. He's like my personal hero. I feel like I was saved by him."

I'm surprised to see him take the turn with me. He's supposed to go straight in order to return to the campus.

"Sasuke... you're... I mean, are you coming with me?"

"I won't if you don't want me to," he says in his usual flat voice.

"No, I appreciate it. I really do," I try to defend myself. "I just don't want to trouble you, you know," I look down at my feet.

"You're not. I'm doing it because I want to."

"Like the other day?" I have asked before I could even think what I was asking. And now I can feel my heart beat loud and fast inside my chest.

"Ah," he says casually. But I think he really does mean it. And just like that, my heart beat starts to go back to normal again. I feel so relieved.

Once again, Sasuke is going out of his way for my sake and once again, I'm accepting it. Because just like I said, I'm selfish and I want him near me.

That's why I accepted his offer to carry my bag. I myself never would've asked him to. And had it been anyone else, I'd have refused without giving the idea the slightest consideration. I'm that stubborn. Yes, my life isn't easy. I'm no longer living like a princess like I once used to. And it _is_ hard. But it's my life. I'll face it all. I don't _need_ others to help me out.

But it's Sasuke. He's not just anyone. Not to me. Not anymore. And while I'll not greedily ask him for help, but if he's offering it himself, I'll not refuse it.

* * *

"Thank you, Sasuke," Sakura says in a soft voice. Why does it make me so insanely satisfied when she says my name like that?

"Hn," I say as I continue to walk a step ahead of her.

"So, what was it? About Kakashi?"

I feel it's okay to ask. Cause I believe that if I do, she _will_ tell me. And that definitely is more practical than assuming.

"Eh?" she can't immediately follow this sudden change of topic.

"Kakashi, you ask?" she stops for a while, "You see, I first saw his picture in a magazine. There was an article about him; how promising he looked at the age of nineteen. That he might one day become a great player," she pauses to look at me and smiles. Then she continues, "My Granny had passed away a few months ago, I didn't have friends, I never had a close relationship with my parents. I was kind of lonely. I decided to watch his match just out of curiosity. Because I had a lot of time and not enough things to do," and she stops walking. "It was so absurd, you know," she laughs.

I can tell that she really treasures this memory, these are her happy memories.

"I had no idea about the rules of tennis and I didn't know anyone I could ask. So, I used to be really confused. But it was fun. Slowly, I started to understand the game and it became one of my biggest sources of enjoyment. I wasn't allowed to go out much, I wasn't allowed to make friends, I wasn't allowed to do all the outdoor activities I wanted to do. But I was allowed to watch TV," she gives a satisfied smile. "It was so refreshing. And... I learned so much from him. The way he never gives up and does his best till the last point even if it looks like there's no hope, it gave me courage. He inspired me so much; I'm so grateful to him. He isn't someone I can simply have a crush on. He's beyond that, he's like a saviour to me."

I get it.

And I suddenly envy Kakashi so damn much. I have envied him before. First for his talent. Then, a few moments ago; thinking that Sakura might have a crush on him. But right now, I'm so jealous of him that I can't put it into words.

I've always thought that it's great to have fans who support you for your talent. But I had no idea that it's possible to affect someone like this. Can _I_ ever affect someone's life like that? Is it even possible? That Kakashi, he has no idea just how lucky he is.

"Aren't you coming in?"

I hadn't even taken notice that we're already at her door. She's inviting me inside? Does that mean she has started to trust me a little bit?

"Is it okay?"

"Yes, absolutely," she gives me a bright smile.

So, I get inside her flat. And it's a huge shock!

It looks totally different from that evening. It's a total mess. There are things literally _everywhere_. And there's a huge pile of clothes and art supplies that's completely occupying her couch.

"I know it's messy," Sakura says from the kitchen. It reminds me that I need to head there too; to put the bag I was carrying. She only gave me one and carried two herself. Her excuse was that it was the heaviest one.

"I'll clean that up," she says with a smile as I make an appearance in her kitchen.

When I come out, her couch is totally clean. How on earth did she manage to do that so fast?

She seems to understand my confusion.

"I just transferred them to my bed," she giggles, "That's what I do; keep them on the couch when I'm using the bed and keep them on the bed when I'm using the couch. I'm kind of messy."

I don't know what to say.

"Do you want to stay for lunch?"

She's inviting me for lunch?

"I'll make spaghetti. Do you like it?"

"Ah."

"Great!" she looks so happy, "Then wait a while. I'll have a quick shower and then I'll get started," she suddenly starts to act all busy.

"Did you... inform Shikamaru?"

Why did I have to ask that? She stares at me for a few seconds; not even blinking. Then, she finally gets it.

"No," she says softly, "I don't think that's needed."

And suddenly I feel so relieved. She _does_ trust me. I don't know how much but still.

As she goes to have her shower, I sit on the couch. Thinking about how different she is from what people think her to be. She is much more messed up than people could ever imagine. And I love it all. Yes, like me, she too, is far from being perfect. But her imperfections are parts of who she is and I love every bit of it. Can she also love me with my imperfections?

The abrupt sound of the doorbell interrupts my thoughts. Sakura's still in the shower. What should I do?

The bell rings again and the sound is really annoying. I do not at all intend to hear it ring for a third time. So I decide to answer. Moreover, it'd most probably be one of her friends. They might find it interesting to see me here in Sakura's flat but I guess it can be handled.

I open the door.

And it's not one of her friends. It's a woman. A middle aged woman.

She looks at me with surprise evident in her eyes. Of course she wasn't expecting me. It's Sakura's flat. Why'd anyone expect _me_ to answer the door?

"Umm... excuse me... I'm here to see my daughter. I thought this was her flat," she says with a smile that's kind of similar to Sakura's but it's completely different.

When Sakura smiles, it reaches her eyes; making the bright green shade shine even brighter. But this woman's smile isn't reaching her eyes. It's a very well practiced smile but I can see through it.

So, _you_ are the one. _You_ are the reason she was crying so bitterly that night? And _why_ didn't you allow her to go out or make friends when she was a kid? I really have a lot of questions I want to ask her.

But I don't.

Instead, I say, "I think you might be referring to the previous tenant. She moved out. I moved in last week."

I come out and shut the door behind me. The last thing I want is for Sakura to come out of the shower and face her mother.

No.

That night, I couldn't do anything to make her feel better when she was crying so helplessly. But this time, I'll make sure that she doesn't get hurt again. Not when I am right here.

At my words, I see the expression in Sakura's mother's eyes change. Her eyes flicker with pure rage. But it lasts only for a moment before she resumes her fake smile.

"Is that so?" she says in a sweet voice, "I'm so sorry to have bothered you. Do you by any chance have any idea about where she went? She's my daughter and she never informs me about anything. I'm so worried."

"I'm sorry. I have no idea," I say curtly.

"I see. I'll excuse myself then. Have a nice day," she says in her sweet voice accompanied by her fake smile and turns to leave.

I get back inside the flat and shut the door before leaning against it and taking a deep breath. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who didn't get it, 'Obliviate' is a spell from Harry Potter. It is used to erase particular memories from a person's brain.


	7. Stupidity

When was the last time I felt so excited about cooking? About _anything_ related to food?

At first, it was difficult; trying to lose weight. Because I really loved to eat. The sight of delicious foods made my mouth water.

I wasn't overweight or anything, but I wanted the 'perfect' figure like so many other girls my age did. And while there are many good qualities I lack, determination isn't one of them.

I used to control myself no matter how hard it was. But as time passed, it started to get easier. The sight of my favourite foods didn't tempt me as much as they once did.

Soon enough, I realised that I no longer had any food I liked. And since food was no longer something I cared about, cooking became pointless.

It has been a while since I gave up on my quest for so called 'perfection'. And now, I _need_ to eat. Otherwise I can't survive this battle called life.

So, I eat; because I have to. Not because I love to.

And I cook; because it's cheaper that way. And generally healthier. It's no longer something I enjoy.

But this feeling that I'm getting right now, it's so familiar. The very idea of preparing a meal for Sasuke is making me feel so damn excited.

To be honest, I'm regretting not buying fancy ingredients. I wish I could give Sasuke a glimpse of my culinary skills.

When I come out, I see Sasuke sitting on my couch with his usual serious expression. Or does he look a little more serious than normal? Maybe I'm just imagining it.

"I'm done," I get closer to him, "Will make lunch now."

Sasuke looks at me but doesn't say anything. As I get inside the kitchen and start getting the ingredients, he makes an appearance there.

"I'll help," he says.

That was unexpected.

"You don't need to, you're my guest today."

"I..." unable to find the right words, he keeps staring at me. As if whatever he can't express using words, he'd convey to me with his eyes.

But unfortunately, I don't understand him to that extent. Not yet.

"Okay, I'll let you help. It'll be faster that way," I try to give him a warm smile.

"I can't cook," he informs me.

"Oh? But you still intend to help? That's so sweet of you."

The tips of his ears take up a reddish hue.

"I'll give you a simple task then. Can you use a knife?"

"Yes."

"Then chop the basil first. You don't have to make the leaves very fine but the stalks need to be chopped finely. Otherwise, they wouldn't cook evenly."

"Okay," he says and starts chopping.

I'm about to go for the spaghetti after putting the tomatoes, onions and tinned peas on the worktop when Sasuke asks, "Is this all right?"

He shows me the chopping board with the chopped basil on it. His facial expression tells me that he's taking this job very seriously. I find it really amusing.

The Uchiha Sasuke, the tennis prodigy; who exudes pride and confidence with every step he takes, that Uchiha Sasuke is here in my little shabby kitchen, following my orders like an obedient little kid.

It's as if he's a totally different person.

The whole campus knows he is cool; but to me right now, he looks extremely adorable.

"Absolutely," I say with an encouraging smile, although it's not exactly the way I'd prefer it.

"Can you chop the tomatoes next?"

"Ah."

"Thank you," I smile again.

.

.

.

"So, about your match with Gaara, how are you preparing?"

"Hn?" he looks at me. "Just usual practice."

"Isn't this supposed to be a super important match?" I raise an eyebrow, "He's the champion of Suna, you're the champion of Konoha; that kind of things."

"Every match is important to me," he resumes chopping the tomatoes, "I _always_ want to win," he looks back at me and I see that the adorable Sasuke from moments ago has been replaced by an extremely determined one.

"That's fascinating; you always work your hardest," I say as I peel an onion. "I've always been curious about it. I mean Kakashi. He's the top player right now and everyone knows him because of that," I look at Sasuke, "But I'm really curious about the time when he was not the number one. When he was just another aspiring tennis player. When no one knew his name. I really want to know about that journey."

The look on Sasuke's face tells me that he's very much interested in whatever I'm saying. And it encourages me.

"I don't think we applaud people for the proper reasons. For example, when a dancer gives a performance; it lasts like five minutes. But to make that five minute performance perfect, they have to put hours and hours of hard work. And people see their perfect performance on stage and simply call them talented. As if they were born with it, totally refuting the fact that they actually earned it with sheer dedication and hard work."

I see Sasuke looking at me with such an intense look in his eyes that I stop.

"I'm talking too much," I try to manage a smile.

"No," Sasuke protests, "You're right" he adds before putting his knife down. "It's done."

"Great. Next is onion and garlic."

I pour water into the pot. According to me, the most important part of making spaghetti is cooking the pasta. You have to be very alert, just a few seconds can make a huge difference; an undesired one of course.

When I cook pasta, I never leave the spot until I get it perfectly al dente and strain it to ensure it doesn't get overcooked. If I can get it done properly, I feel accomplished.

* * *

Sakura looks so focused, watching over the boiling pot with full attention, it's as if she has totally forgotten that I'm even here.

I've never seen this side of hers before. I think it's really interesting.

I focus on chopping the onion. I'm still thinking about how to tell her about her mother. Or, more importantly, whether to even tell her now.

I was really pissed to see her mother. It was a really difficult decision I made out there; the decision to not confront her like I very much wanted to.

But it was the right decision. Because it's not my place to do so. It has to be Sakura. This is her battle, I can lend her my strength if she wants me to. To be honest, I'll be extremely happy to do that. But I can't fight in her place. She has to do that herself.

And I'm almost sure she isn't ready yet. So, I believe that I did the right thing by shielding her for now.

"Spaghetti is cooked," Sakura's happy voice resounds in the kitchen, "Are you done, Sasuke?"

"Almost."

"Great, I'll get the frying pan. Let's make absolutely delicious pasta," she gives a broad smile.

For some reason, she looks especially happy after cooking the pasta.

No. I won't tell her right now. Not when she's this happy. I'll have time for it later.

This is totally new to me. I'm chopping onions. It's not something I've ever wanted to do. Neither is it something I can't wait to do again.

Unless...

It's with the same person.

It's not just now. I've felt this way before.

That day when we went for dinner, that night on the rooftop, today while walking back to her flat.

It's a feeling I've started to associate with Sakura. A feeling of belonging. It doesn't matter where we are or what we're doing; when I'm with her, I don't feel like I want to be anywhere else.

"You know, you might treat it as just another match, but I'm super excited," Sakura says as she mixes the ingredients with the spaghetti, "It's going to be my first time watching you play an actual match."

Oh. She's right. It's going to be my first time playing a match in front of her. She looks really excited.

"What if... I lose?"

How disappointed would you be?

"What happened to always wanting to win?" she frowns.

"I can only try my best, but..." I look her in the eye and continue, "Winning or losing depends on my opponent's performance as well."

"Then, it's all right. If you've done your best, then you should feel proud," she gives an assuring smile, "You know, there have been times when Kakashi has lost a match, but I've absolutely loved watching him play, I've felt really proud. Because he played great. He lost simply because his opponent played _better_."

I just look at her, unsure of what to say.

"Pasta is ready," Sakura declares happily, "Let's eat, Sasuke."

"Ah."

We sit on the couch, holding our plates.

"Sorry I don't have a dinning table; you can keep your plate on the coffee table."

"I don't mind."

I take the first bite. As I chew, I see Sakura looking at me with expecting eyes.

"How's it? Don't you dare lie. If you think it's horrible say so."

That's bold.

"I like it."

I really do. And it's been years since someone cooked for me without being paid for it. Somehow that is affecting me as well. But I think she really knows how to cook.

"You better not be lying," she warns, raising her right brow.

She can be kind of intimidating if she feels like it.

"I'm not."

"That's good to know," she giggles immediately.

What an abrupt change! How does she even manage that?

After this, she starts eating. I too, focus on my spaghetti.

But I can see her out of the corner of my eye. She's sitting on the couch with her legs folded. And that has made her baggy shorts ride up a little bit, granting me a view of her knees and lower thighs. And it looks... tempting.

Her skin looks really soft and smooth. It has a peachy undertone and I think it's because of the shower she took earlier, her skin looks really hydrated and healthy. And there's a faint scent coming from her that I can recognise even over the comparatively stronger smell of the food.

Why does she not look like she even cares that her thighs are exposed to my eyes? Is she like this with her friends Sai and Shikamaru as well? Because maybe _I_ am the one who's supposed to look away, instead of trying to imagine what it might feel like to touch that skin of hers. Maybe I don't deserve her trust.

But I'm not a pervert. I've never felt this way before.

I've always had huge fan following. I have received different sorts of invitations from many girls. And I didn't have the slightest interest. It's just Sakura who makes me feel this way.

"What is it?"

Her question makes me realise that by now, I'm openly staring at her thighs.

Great! You perverted bastard!

"Why do you wear men's shorts?"

That was close, Sasuke! Besides this really is something I'm curious about.

"Because they have pockets," she leaves her fork on her plate and puts her right hand inside one, "See? And real big ones that can contain things. I don't know who came up with the idea that women don't need pockets. What do they think? That we don't have things we need to carry?"

Okay. This is a whole new concept to me. I didn't even have any idea that women's shorts don't have pockets.

So I don't know what to say. But I agree with her. I mean, why would anyone think that women don't need pockets?

.

.

.

"Do you want seconds?" Sakura asks when I finish my portion.

I think for a while before replying, "Hn."

Her face lights up, she leaves for the kitchen and comes back with the entire container.

She looks really happy as she serves me another helping.

After a while, she clears her plate and reaches for some more.

"I'm eating more than I normally do," she gives me a smile. Didn't she say something similar the day we went for dinner together? And more importantly, isn't it something she actually _needs_ to do?

* * *

After Sasuke leaves, I feel his scent lingering in my sitting room. It's not a strong scent or anything. It's just a very faint smell that I know wasn't here before Sasuke came. I didn't really notice it while he was here. But now that he's gone, suddenly I'm becoming conscious of it. And it feels kind of comforting.

I'm totally doomed. The more time I spend with him, the harder I fall for him.

And it scares me.

Because it's one sided. I don't think Sasuke feels anything for me in that way. So, I'll only get my heart broken if I encourage this. But it's not like I'm doing it on purpose.

.

.

.

"How are things with Sasuke?" Shikamaru asks as he takes a lazy bite of his sandwich.

"Huh?" my mouth that I had opened with the intention of eating, remains that way; the hand holding the dumpling with the chopsticks freeze where it was.

 _How_ does he know? And another valid question; _what_ does he know?

I haven't told anyone about it. Not even Ino. Actually, especially Ino. She can be really pushy when it comes to things like this. If I had let her, she'd have recruited a boyfriend for me long ago. So, I don't want to tell her yet. Not while I have so many doubts.

"What exactly are you talking about?"

"That night, when you decided he'd make a great pillow, I was still conscious," he says matter-of-factly.

And I feel all my blood rush to my face and ears. I put the dumpling back. I can't look at him anymore.

Why? Just why?

But I'm glad it was him and not Ino or Sai. Shikamaru is understanding. He wouldn't go around teasing me. He's too lazy for that.

And now that I think about it, that incident was a few weeks ago. But he's only asking this today; when Ino and Sai decided to go on a lunch date to a nearby restaurant. So, he actually is asking this out of concern. I decide to be a little honest. He's reliable.

"Well, how do I put it?" I bite my lip, "I guess I could say that we've become closer as friends."

"Are you guys dating?"

I almost jump. But when I look at him, his face is completely serious. He isn't teasing me.

"Of course not. Where did that come from?"

"Your face is almost as red as a tomato," his serious expression doesn't change.

"I... Well..." I have no idea how to say what I want to say. I'm not sure I even know what I want to say.

"Do you have a crush on him or something?"

I stare at him for a while.

"Do you think it's stupid?"

"It doesn't matter what I think or what _anybody_ thinks. The only other person whose opinions matter in this case is Sasuke," he stops to take another bite; "However, for your answer, I don't."

I look him in the eye.

"Love isn't a choice, it's a realisation. You just suddenly discover that you love this person. They might have a hundred qualities you don't like, but none of that matters."

"Do you feel that way for Temari?"

"I do," he confesses so easily, "I, personally have always despised women who seem dominating, who are loud. I can't say that I'm fond of those qualities even now. But, I love Temari."

"I'm glad you finally mustered the courage to ask her out."

"So am I."

"I _do_ like him," I confess my feelings to someone for the first time.

"I like it when I'm with him," I hesitate for a while, "Last Sunday, he helped me carry my shopping bags and I invited him for lunch."

Shikamaru listens to me attentively.

"I felt so excited, I really wanted to impress him. When I found out that he liked my cooking, it felt like one of my greatest achievements ever."

I finally take a bite of my dumpling which has turned a little cold by now.

"I've planned a really hectic schedule for the week so that I can make time for his match against Gaara on Sunday."

"But," I look down at the table, "I don't believe he feels the same way for me. I'm afraid I'll get hurt this way. I, of all people, shouldn't lose my mind. I told myself so many times that I'll never be so head over heels for anyone that I'd lose my ability to think rationally."

"I believe you're worrying a little too much. You're not even sure he doesn't return your feelings. You just told me that he carried your bags for you."

"That, well... He was just trying to help as a friend."

"Did he explicitly tell you that?"

"Huh?"

"Look, I'm not telling you that he does like you. I'm just pointing out that he hasn't confirmed otherwise."

He does have a point.

* * *

_'All the best for today's match, little brother.'_

I really don't get it. He generally behaves like he couldn't care less about my very existence; but whenever I have any important match, his message is the first thing to greet me when I check my phone in the morning.

Always.

How does he even find out about my matches?

Although he's my brother, I never got the chance to grow up together with him. As the elder son, he was supposed to inherit our family's hospital. He was to attend the boarding school my father and uncle had attended. And in order to prepare for the entrance test there, he was to be sent to one particular school. Because of that, he moved to our uncle's place. He was eight then, I was just three.

Sometimes he'd come home during the holidays; sometimes he wouldn't. Even when he came, he'd always be immersed in his studies. Sometimes, he'd have serious conversations with our father.

We almost never spent time together. But he was the one who taught me how to ride a bicycle. I still remember it. Generally, it's considered the job of a father. But my father never spent time with me. In the beginning, because I was still too young for him to start my medical training. And later, because he realised that I'm never going to become a doctor. He decided to turn his undivided attention towards Itachi, who was his successor.

I used to envy Itachi. He was loved and appreciated by my father, my uncle; all my family members.

I consider myself a hard worker. But he worked really hard from a much younger age. He always knew what he was going to do and was very focused.

For me, I took time. I started to play tennis when my mother enrolled me at the academy because she had hoped it'd help me make some friends. But as time passed, I figured that I loved this game. Maybe way too much. Therefore I never wanted to give it up even when things were difficult.

But when I turned eight, my father declared that I, too, have to move to my uncle's place to attend that very school. He told me I had to stop ' _wasting my time'_ with tennis and start preparing for my future as a doctor; like a proper Uchiha kid is supposed to do.

But my mother supported me. She had managed to convince my father. So, in the end, he let me continue with tennis. But he decided that I no longer needed or deserved anything except financial support from him.

It did hurt me at first; but then, I started to get accustomed to it.

When I was eleven, I reached the final of a tournament for the first time. My mother coaxed my father into coming with her to watch me play. I was really excited. Because it was my first final. But more because it was my first time playing in front of my father. I wanted to prove myself in front of him.

But I lost that match.

And I still remember the disappointed look on my father's face. He had especially taken the day off to come to the match.

"I _do_ _not_ want to see a repetition of this ever again," was all he had said.

The idea of playing in front of Sakura for the first time makes me a little too conscious. I know she's nothing like my father. If anything, she's kind of like my mother. But still...

As I spot Sakura in the gallery, our eyes meet for a brief moment. With that, I've acknowledged her presence. Now, I have to forget about everything except the game.

* * *

Sasuke really is a good player. And very focused. Once he's on court, he seems to forget about everything else.

I think somehow he's a little similar to Kakashi. He, too, has Kakashi's never-give-up attitude. It's something I really admire.

The match is going on really well. Both Sasuke and Gaara are having to fight for every single point.

This is the fifth set; so, there's no tie break and the match is going on and on.

Finally, Sasuke manages to win a break point which gives him the lead at 8-7.

Now, all he needs to do is to ensure that Gaara does not break his service.

I often think that watching matches like this isn't very good for my health. I get way too excited. Whenever a rally keeps going on for a long time, every time I hear the sound of a racket hitting the ball, my heart tends to jump. And now that Sasuke finally is just one point away from taking this match; my heart is behaving like it wants to jump out of my chest.

Finally, as Gaara tries to place a perfect backhand, the angling goes a little wrong and the ball hits the net; not managing to reach Sasuke's side of the court.

And I jump throwing my fists into the air and shouting, "Yes! Yes! Yes!". Everyone around me turns to stare at me. But I don't care.

Sasuke won!

He played great and he won the match. Right now, that's all I care about.

.

.

.

I've never entered a locker room before. So, when Naruto shows me the way and tells me to go ahead, I feel kind of nervous. But I still go on ahead. I'm Sasuke's friend, right? I can totally come to congratulate him in the locker room. Yes, I absolutely can. There's nothing wrong about it, it's totally normal.

Sasuke looks really surprised to see me here. He's still wearing the shorts he wore during the match. But he has changed out of his t-shirt and is now wearing a grey jacket the zip of which is left slightly open; partly exposing his broad chest.

"You won!" I exclaim loudly, "You won Sasuke! You were amazing! It was so much fun to watch you on court."

Sasuke simply keeps looking at me as I kind of jump towards him out of my excessive excitement.

Then, I'm standing right in front of him. The extreme closeness pointing out our height difference so blatantly that I have to really strain my neck to look up at his face.

Then, as I confidently make the stupidest decision of my life so far, I suddenly plant my palms on his shoulders and using them as support, I spring lightly and peck him on those thin lips that I continue having dreams about.

The shocked look on his face hits me and immediately I've come down from my excited state.

What did I do?

What did I just do?

I kissed Sasuke.

And on the lips out of all places. Not on the cheeks, not on the nose, not anywhere else, but on the lips.

This is _not_ something I had planned to do. I swear it was totally out of impulse.

I stand there, frozen, staring at Sasuke who's so taken aback that he isn't even blinking; his dark black eyes piercing through me.

Then, I turn.

I have no idea how to deal with the mess I just created out of my stupidity. I always knew that getting overly excited like this was no good. I just destroyed something really precious to me and hopefully to Sasuke as well. And I don't want to give him a chance to confront me. Not at all. I'm not ready yet.

So, I run.

But I can't go far because a strong hand grips my wrist. Then it pulls me and before my mind even finds the time to register everything that's happening, I feel something soft on my lips.

Sasuke is kissing me.


	8. Pact

"Oi, Sasuke, did Saku-ra-"

As Naruto's sentence stops midway, I become aware of his appearance and of the current situation.

The first thing I do is letting go of Sakura. She looks terribly shaken; her bright green eyes wider than I've ever seen them, mouth slightly open. She stares at me for a few seconds, then looks down, gathering her arms as close to her body as she can.

She looks frightened.

I messed up. What do I do now? I see Sakura touching her lips with the fingers of her left hand.

"Sakura... I..."

Not that I was ever good with words, but right now I'm absolutely hopeless. "I'm... sorry..."

I highly doubt that though.

"I didn't..."

With an immediate jerk of her head, she looks back at me. I'm no good when it comes to reading people's emotions, but I bet I see pain in her eyes.

I've hurt her. Is it beyond repair?

I'm trying to figure out my next move when Sakura casts her gaze down once again and says, "I... I should go."

And with that she has run towards the door.

I see her walk past Naruto and out of my field of vision; I ponder over whether I imagined it or her voice was really shaking when she said those words. Then, as Naruto starts approaching me, I'm reminded once again of his presence.

"You've always been a complete jerk, but _this_ is on another level."

"Shut up!" I growl.

"There's no way I'm shutting up after catching you red-handed like this," he smirks, "Making out in the locker room; you're progressing with the speed of light."

I've never wanted to punch him harder.

"Listen, Naruto, I'm in no mood for your stupid jokes."

"Who's joking?"

"Leave. Me. Alone."

"I will once you've answered my questions."

"I was _not_ making out with Sakura. I kissed her because I couldn't control myself; without caring about _her_ feelings. You've got your answer. Now GET OUT," I shout.

Naruto looks at me with a horrified look on his face.

* * *

I can feel hot tears streaming down my cheeks. I can see people looking at me and the surprised looks on their faces, I can hear them whisper.

But I'm too devastated to care. I just run.

As soon as I manage to get inside my flat, I rush to the bedroom and fall upon the bed on my stomach. Holding my pillow with both hands, I stuff my face in it and then, I cry.

My pillow keeps getting damp as I cry incessantly. I've done this before. So many times. For so many different reasons. I tend to cry a lot.

But this is my first time crying for such a painful reason. It hurts so bad. So bad.

Why did it turn out this way? Why is the world so cruel? Was my life not difficult enough already? What excuse do I use to console myself this time?

Why did you let this happen to me, Granny? Why did you let me fall for him if he wasn't going to return my feelings? Aren't you supposed to be my Guardian Angel?

It's 7:26 when I check my phone after calming down. I might've been crying for about an hour.

Now, that I've cried to my heart's content, I'm feeling a little better. Well, not exactly better. But I can finally face the truth no matter how harsh it is.

Yes, I fell in love with a guy. He's a really nice guy. I have every reason to fall for him. I shouldn't be ashamed.

And he _does not_ love me back. He apologised for kissing me; he clearly regrets it.

But how can I blame him? He didn't ask me to love him. It's exactly like Shikamaru said. Before I noticed it, he had become really important to me, very precious.

But _his_ feelings played no part in it. I loved him on my own, without any encouragement from him. I loved him for my own selfish reasons; it was all about _me_. So, now I have no rights to complain.

I wish the kiss hadn't happened. But I'm also glad it _did_ .

I absolutely loved the way his lips felt on mine. I loved every single thing about it. The way his right hand had found a fistful of my hair to hold my head in place, the way his left one had rested itself on my lower back, pressing me against his body.

He was taller, his shoulders wider, his body harder. But he was also gentle. He had offered me a sense of protection holding me like that. The kiss had made me feel butterflies in my stomach. It was unlike anything I've ever experienced before. I don't think I could've ever hoped for a better first kiss. It was perfect in all possible ways.

It all happened out of the blue. I was so surprised. I couldn't believe that Sasuke really did that. He stopped me and kissed me.

When Naruto's sudden intrusion made him let go of me, I was still trying to process it all in my brain. I was starting to accept that it really _did_ happen.

But just before I could do that, before I could rejoice, Sasuke's unforgiving words entered my ears.

"I'm sorry," he said. The pain was so bad, it actually hurt physically.

The kiss was just like our relationship. I was in it with my very soul and for him, it was something casual. Had I not lost my mind and kissed him, he never would've thought about kissing me. It was totally frivolous on his part.

I wish it hadn't happened at all. Because now I know what it feels like to be kissed by the person I love; but I also know that I'm never going to experience it ever again.

And the pain is just unbearable.

But I get it. I'm not the only girl whose first love went unrequited. So, I should stop acting like a drama queen and pull myself together.

I have just one life and I've got to get the best out of it. Things won't always go the way I want them to. I can't let them break me. I must keep going. Even if my heart crashes into pieces. The moment I give up is the moment I lose.

I grab a towel and go for a cold shower. The chilly water stings my skin unmercifully. But I like it. The physical pain diverts my attention from the pain inside my heart. My mind slowly starts to calm down.

After coming out, I make myself a cup of coffee. With a generous amount of sugar. I only take my coffee sweetened before my period. The need for sweet foods being the most prominent part of my PMS. Today I allow myself. Because during moments of depression, sweets act as the best medicine. Chocolate would've been better; but right now I'm not exactly in the mood for going out to buy one.

I sit on my bed, sipping the sweet drink; I feel the need for some solid food. I haven't eaten anything since I had lunch. It's 8:15 now; no wonder I'm hungry. But I don't have the energy to eat.

Instead, I switch on my laptop and play _Helter_ _Skelter_. I've never been fond of this particular song. The lyrics sounds too confusing. But that's exactly what I need right now.

If I try to think about Sasuke, it gets too complicated. I can't find any solution. So I just want to distract myself. A confusing song is much much better than confusing emotions.

I put the song on repeat and keep on sipping my coffee.

* * *

What should I do? I did something horrible. I kissed Sakura. I lost control and kissed her.

Why did she have to kiss me on the lips? So far, I had been doing a great job of keeping my desires in control. Why did she have to ruin it all?

But then again, how is she supposed to know? She's completely unaware of the things that go on in my mind. To her, it was just an innocent peck. She doesn't have any idea how deeply I've fallen in love with her.

But wait. Is this even love?

I don't know much but when you love someone, aren't you supposed to care about them? About their happiness?

If I really did love her, then could I have acted so selfishly?

Even now, am I really sorry for what I did? Right now, guilt should be all I feel, but that's not how it is. Even though I'm aware that I acted improperly, I can't help remembering how it had felt.

She had felt so much smaller, the way her body had fit perfectly in my embrace, it had felt like she belonged there. She was soft and warm against my body, I didn't want to let go, I wanted to hold her like that, keeping her safe.

Talk about hypocrisy. Who am I to keep her safe? _I_ am one of the things she needs safety from.

I'm thankful Naruto came. Otherwise I doubt I would've let her go. When I think about it, It makes me want to kiss her again, I want to feel her soft plump lips against mine.

But I can't. I lost control once. It was after a long match, she had suddenly acted way too friendly; it had made me lose my mind.

It was a mistake. And a mistake repeated is a decision. I can't act like this ever again. I have to come in terms with the fact that Sakura just sees me as a friend.

I'm hopeless. I'm trying to hold onto her because she offers me something I long for. My love for her is selfish. I want her for myself.

And I cannot.

Because she is a person, not a possession. _She_ is the one who decides if she wants to be in my life. And as it turns out; I am not that lucky.

So, I'll have to get over it. But I'll have time for that later. First, I should apologise to Sakura. I must.

I'm not going to act like that ever again, I swear. But that doesn't repair the damage that's already been done.

I pick up my phone.

 _'I 'm really sorry about my behaviour earlier'_ I type and then I erase it immediately.

It sounds way too empty. Too fake. Maybe she'll see through it. Through the lie. She'll easily figure out that I'm not as sorry as I'm claiming to be.

As I check my phone, there's a message from Itachi, _'Well done, little brother. You've been working really hard.'_

Again. How does he even know?

_'Don't mock me. You work harder than anyone I know.'_

_'You really think so?'_

That was unexpected.

Generally when I send him a message, it takes him almost a day to reply. Calling him doesn't work either. He's way too busy.

_'I do.'_

_'That's good to know.'_

Whoa!

What's wrong with him today? It feels like we're having a real conversation. The last time we had one was so long ago that I don't even remember when it was.

And it makes me feel warm.

Wait a minute! I could ask him for some advice regarding Sakura. After all, he's my brother. Maybe he has been through something similar.

But who am I kidding? Itachi is synonymous to perfection. I bet it's the girl who falls for him first. He isn't pathetic like me to fall hopelessly in love with a girl who's never going to reciprocate his feelings and then unable to control himself, ends up kissing her, frightening her away.

No. I'm not asking him about it.

_'You, too, work really hard, Sasuke. Sometimes, a little too hard. Don't be too harsh on yourself.'_

_'Are you drunk?'_ I can't help asking.

 _'Not at all.'_ Comes his immediate reply.

_'Can I not speak a few words of encouragement to my little brother?' Another text._

_'You can but you don't.'_

My phone tells me it's 8:15 pm.

_'I'll talk to you later, Itachi. Right now, I have something important to take care of.'_

_'Good luck, little brother. And goodbye.'_

_'Bye.'_

.

.

.

It's way too late. I take a deep breath before ringing the bell.

What's the worst thing that can happen? She can kick me out. Well, I deserve it anyway. But she doesn't deserve to feel violated.

As I hear light footsteps approaching the door, my heart beats faster than it ever has.

Then the door opens and I see her.

Her eyes are red and puffy, the tip of her nose red. She surely has cried a lot.

I'm the biggest hypocrite alive. I'm the one who was mad at her mother for making her cry. And now, _I_ am the reason she's crying.

Sakura looks different. Her hair looks slightly damp. Most likely she had a shower. Today she's wearing a really loose light green tracksuit. She's holding the door with one hand and a coffee mug in another.

My eyes rest on her lips. Her full, pink, luscious lips.

"Sa- Suke?" her voice sounds hoarse. Side-effect of the crying.

She looks extremely surprised. She definitely didn't expect me here.

Well, at least in this regard, I'm better than she expected me to be. I did cross a line but at least I have the guts to admit my mistake.

"I need to talk to you," I hesitate, "May I come in?"

I swear I won't try anything again.

She moves aside, letting me in.

As I get in, she shuts the door. Now it's just us inside her flat.

She looks at me with eyes full of questions.

"I... It's about what happened earlier."

She looks down and murmurs, "I'm really sorry Sasuke, I shouldn't have acted that way."

What? Why is _she_ apologising?

"What way?"

She looks at me immediately and then back down again.

"I... I..." her voice is almost shaking, "I'm sorry Sasuke, I'm very sorry."

"What for?"

She doesn't reply. Neither does she look at me again.

"Sakura-" I look around helplessly. Her couch is occupied by the huge pile once again. There's no place where we can sit down and talk properly.

And then, suddenly, her stomach grumbles loudly. She must be hungry.

"Did you eat?"

Continuing to look down, she just shakes her head.

She was so devastated that she didn't even eat. On top of that, she's drinking coffee at this hour. She might not even be able to sleep.

"Go inside, I'll order some takeaway."

She looks up at me once again; as if she can't believe what I'm saying. Then, without uttering another word, she starts taking small steps towards her bedroom.

I take my phone out. I remember her telling me she prefers dumpling over other foods. While searching for a place that serves good dumplings, I remember that I haven't eaten dinner either. I was so mad at myself that when Naruto had knocked at my door to go for dinner, I asked him to go without me. And quite unexpectedly, he listened without asking further question.

* * *

Sasuke is here. He said he needs to talk about it. He has already apologised to me. What does he want now?

Is he here to tell me that he finally found out about my hidden motives? That he doesn't think we can be friends anymore?

I put my coffee mug down and pause the song.

I don't want to lose him. I can't lose his love cause I can't lose what I never had. But I did have his friendship. I want to keep it. If only he'd allow me.

"Sakura," Sasuke calls from outside the room. The door is left open but he isn't entering. However, I can see him from my position on the bed. And he can see me too. In fact, he's looking at me right now.

"Is bok choy and chicken dumplings okay for you?"

I simply stare at him for a while before nodding slightly.

"Alright," he gets busy with his phone once again.

He's ordering dumplings. He actually did listen to me and he remembers it.

I suddenly feel like crying again.

I was on the verge of starting to do better. But then he appeared at my door. And now he's here. Inside my flat, ordering food for me.

"Food will be here in twenty minutes," Sasuke reappears at the door.

"Why are you doing this?"

If you're here to end everything between us, then do it and leave. Why are you being so kind? That's not going to make it easier for me. It'd only work as a painful reminder of what I lost.

"Doing what?" Sasuke finally takes a step inside my bedroom.

"You're being too nice, Sasuke. You're making me feel like..." I hang my head.

"Like what?" right now he's standing only a few steps away from my bed.

Like what you ask? Like you wouldn't simply toss me aside. Like I mean more to you than that.

"Like you... really care about me," I finally dare to look him in the eye.

* * *

What? She now thinks that I don't care about her? Just one stupid mistake and everything is broken like a house of cards.

"I _do_ care about you."

She looks like that's the most unbelievable thing she's ever heard. Like it's simply impossible for me to care for her.

How do I convince her?

"That day," I hesitate, "The day you were crying in front of your door; I lied to you."

She simply keeps staring at me the way she already was. I guess that's because by now it's practically impossible for her to look any more surprised.

"I told you it was Naruto who had asked me to check on you. It wasn't."

I take a deep breath and while maintaining eye contact with her, I finally say it out loud, "I came to check on you because _I_ was worried about you. No one had asked me to do it."

Sakura keeps silent for what feels like an eternity before saying, "I... had no idea."

"I didn't want anyone to know. That's why I lied back then."

* * *

 He's telling me that he really does care about me. That day was long ago. At that time, we weren't even friends. If he cared for me back then, then I _do_ have hope. Don't I?

"Why do you care about me, Sasuke?"

Just why? Are you doing this as charity? Because you think I'm pitiable?

"I don't know," comes his clear reply, "I just know that I do."

He's being honest. He isn't giving any fancy reply. He's not sugar-coating things to make me feel better. He's stating it as it is. And as much as it hurts, I appreciate his honesty. At least, I don't have to be worried about being deceived.

The doorbell rings.

"Might be the food," Sasuke leaves as if answering my door is something very natural to him.

I hear voices coming from my sitting room. Then Shikamaru shows up.

"You alright?"

Oh. I did send him a _'Got the confirmation you told me about'_ text shortly before Sasuke appeared here.

He's the laziest person I know. But he came here for my sake. I'm really lucky to have friends like him who care this much for me. My life doesn't revolve around Sasuke; even if things don't work out with him, I have enough people in my life to be thankful for.

"I'm fine," I try to sound confident.

"I see."

The problem is that the object of our possible conversation is right here. Although Sasuke isn't coming near us, clearly trying to give us our privacy. But still, we can't simply start talking about him in my bedroom while right there in the next room.

"I'll leave then," Shikamaru says in his usual lazy tone, "Since he's here, sort things out properly. And contact me in case something happens."

With that he leaves. I hear the door shut.

So, Shikamaru is gone. Once again, it's just me and Sasuke.

But before he can come to me, the doorbell rings once again. This time, it indeed is the food.

After a while, Sasuke enters the room with two containers.

He gives me one, "Here. Eat while it's still warm."

"Thank you," I take it from him, "Why don't you sit down?"

"Is that alright?" he raises an eyebrow.

"I don't want you to eat while standing. That's uncomfortable."

"It is," he says and finally, he sits down at the edge of my bed.

But why is he eating with me?

"Did you not eat dinner?"

He looks up from his food and replies, "No."

"Why?"

"I didn't feel like eating," he says very casually and then returns his focus back to his food.

So, I focus on mine. The dumplings look juicy and delicious. I pick one up and take a bite.

"It's delicious."

Sasuke just looks at me, doesn't say anything.

"Do you like dumplings?"

"Not particularly," he shrugs.

Then why are you eating dumplings for dinner?

"Didn't you say you prefer dumplings?" he raises his eyebrows slightly.

"I do. Thanks for remembering."

So he really ordered them thinking about me. This is getting more and more complicated.

"Why are you here Sasuke?" I finally ask.

I need a clear answer. I'll do whatever I have to in order to deal with his decision. But I need to know his decision first.

He stops eating and looks me in the eye. We stay like that for a few seconds before he looks down again.

Does he even intend to reply?

"Look, Sasuke. I'm going to be honest with you," I've had enough, "You always treat me like this. You make me not want to let go of you, ever."

Yes. I said it. Finally.

And Sasuke is watching me with a _I'm listening_ look on his face.

"I ended up falling in love with you, Sasuke," it's weird how easily I can admit it to him. Confessing to Shikamaru was a lot harder. And I didn't even manage to tell Ino or Sai. But I find it so easy when I'm saying this to him.

"I just couldn't help it. When I'm with you, I feel so at peace. I've been happier and healthier after you came into my life and I don't want you to leave," I pause to study his face which as always, doesn't give anything away. "When you stopped me and kissed me today, I thought that maybe you return my feelings. But then you apologised to me and I realised that I was wrong. I realised that it was just a mistake on your part. And it broke my heart."

Finally, I see Sasuke frown; "Are you pulling a prank on me or are you serious?"

What?

"Of course I'm serious, Sasuke. When you can't return someone's feelings, at least take it seriously. Don't turn it into a joke."

* * *

So, she's telling me that she actually liked it when I kissed her? And that the reason she had looked disappointed was my apology that followed?

Seriously?

"I'm not turning anything into any joke," I clarify because she looks irritated. "I apologised because I thought I had crossed a line I wasn't supposed to cross. I thought you saw me as nothing more than a friend."

Had I known it'd be this easy talking things out with her, it'd have saved me a lot of unnecessary troubles.

"I don't know much about love. But there are certain things I know for sure," I look Sakura straight in the eye, "Firstly, I care for your well being. Secondly, when I'm with you, I feel at ease. And thirdly, if possible, I want you to feel the same way about me."

That was an overly simplified version of all the things that go on in my mind when it comes to Sakura. But that pretty much sums it all up. Well, except one thing.

"And, I find you attractive..." I hesitate, thinking whether this might become where I cross the line but I decide to be honest, "Physically I mean."

Sakura's face turns deep red immediately and she looks down, as if her bed-cover is much more interesting than anything else in the room.

She's embarrassed. I got that. But is she mad at me? I told her everything. Now, whatever decision she makes, I'll respect it.

When she doesn't make any move to kick me out or even to shout at me, I get my confidence back.

"Your food is getting cold," I say before taking a large bite of one of my dumplings.

Am I acting way too cocky? Well, it's justified. I just found out that the girl I like likes me back.

Wait a minute. Do I love her or do I just like her? _What_ is the difference between the two? 

But who cares. I literally told her how I feel. Whatever name I give it, the feelings remain the same.

"I thought you had come to end our friendship," Sakura finally speaks. Her voice is shaking, "I was so panicked but I had prepared myself to accept whatever decision you make," Sakura finally lifts her face. Just as I thought, she's crying again. But these are happy tears. So I don't get worked up about it.

"I told myself that I should wish you all the best with your life and be happy for you. Because I was fully convinced that you're never going to return my feelings."

"I panicked too. Because of the same reason," I admit to her.

She looks me in the eye, "We were both wrong."

"Hn."

"Let's make a pact Sasuke," she finally looks stable, "From now on, before we assume something about the other, let's ask first."

"Sounds good."

She smiles at last.

"Finish your food," I point towards her container which still has three dumplings left.

"It's a lot," she complains, "I don't think I can finish."

"You should try. You seem to eat more when you're with me."

She blushes again. And I think she looks really lovely when she blushes.

My phone rings suddenly. Today we're getting interrupted a lot.

It's Naruto.

"What's it, Moron?"

"Are you returning to the dorm tonight?"

Oh, right. Getting inside the dorm after eleven can be really troublesome. Not impossible, but _really_ troublesome.

"I am. Will be back shortly."

As I hang up, I see Sakura looking at me.

"I've got to return to the dorm. It's late."

"I see," she says and then picks up another dumpling. There's only one left now.

I put my last one in my mouth.

There's a lot of things we need to talk about. But we can't do it all in one day. We'll have to take it slow.

I wait for Sakura to finish her food. Once she does, I get ready to leave.

"See you later," I tell her as I start walking towards the stairs.

"Good night, Sasuke," her voice is full of warmth.

"Night," I say and I leave.

As I come down, I find Shikamaru sitting on the third last step. The same place where I had found Sakura on the day she was feeding Electron, Proton and Neutron.

He looks up hearing my footsteps.

"I was starting to think you don't intend to leave tonight."

Before exiting Sakura's flat earlier, he had said to me, "Don't try anything funny. I'll be downstairs."

I hadn't taken it much seriously. But now I understand that he actually meant it.

"I had to talk to her."

"Yeah, I figured. I also met the guy who came to deliver your food," he shrugs nonchalantly as he stands up.

Then he takes his phone out and calls someone.

"It's me. Did he leave?"

"Are you alright? Do you want me to come over?"

Is he talking to Sakura? But he already knows that I left.

"I see. That's good to know. I'll hear the details later. Although I believe it's Ino you should prepare yourself to face."

It _is_ Sakura.

"Yeah, I'm just about to go to bed. Good night."

He hangs up.

"Turns out that you _did_ _not_ try anything funny."

"Why'd you pretend like you're in your room when you're here?"

"She hates to trouble people. She wouldn't like it," he sighs, "And all I care about is ensuring her safety. I don't need publicity."

I look at him. He doesn't look back, instead he starts walking.

"You might want to hurry if you intend to get into the dorm tonight."

Today, I found out that Shikamaru is much more than just Sakura's least annoying friend. I'm glad she has friends like him.

.

.

.

Yesterday was really hectic. The match was really tiring. Then there was that incident with Sakura.

I slept like a log last night. And I'm sure I slept in. I check my phone to see the time.

I was right. It's 10:30 am. How did I manage to sleep this long? And how come that Moron let me?

Then, I check today's headlines. Suddenly, I see something I wasn't at all prepared to see; _'Uchiha Itachi, Heir to The Uchiha Medical Institution, Reportedly Found Dead.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Mentioned: Helter Skelter by The Beatles.


	9. Decision

I stare at Sasuke's back for as long as it's still visible. Then, I shut the door and simply stand there, leaning against it; trying to tell myself that all of it _did_ happen.

Sasuke's presence in my flat, the two of us having dinner in my bedroom, the conversation; all of it was real and not just figments of my imagination.

Suddenly I hear my phone ringing from the bedroom.

It's Shikamaru.

"It's me. Did he leave?"

"Yeah. Just moments ago."

"I see. Are you alright? Do you want me to come over?"

"No, no. I'm fine. Have never been better," I can't seem to be able to contain my happiness, "I talked to him properly. Turns out my feelings were not one sided after all," as I say this to Shikamaru, I find myself grinning and almost jumping out of joy.

"I see. That's good to know. I'll hear the details later. Although I believe it's Ino you should prepare yourself to face."

He's right. Ino will probably kill me for keeping it from her this long.

"I hope she doesn't eat me up alive. By the way, did you get back to your room? It's late."

"Yeah. I'm just about to go to bed. Good night."

"Good night."

I find myself dancing around my room. Sasuke likes me back. He said so himself. Well, he didn't exactly say he 'likes' or 'loves' me. But that was the underlying meaning of his words. All I care about is his feelings. And as far as I can understand, they are genuine.

He even said he finds me physically attractive. Goddamn it!

This's something he said very blatantly. And I feel my cheeks getting warm by simply remembering those words.

I stand in front of my small dressing table and look at myself in the mirror.

It's been a few years since I started to embrace myself for who I am. I no longer care about people's compliments. If they think I'm pretty, that's just their opinion. If they think I'm ugly, that too, is just their opinion. Those opinions don't bother me at all. Cause to me, I am good enough.

But today, when Sasuke told me that he finds me attractive, I felt happy. I do care about _his_ opinion. And he has not seen me very properly dressed up or wearing any make up. On top of that, he has seen me in pathetic states. He has seen me crying like a helpless child, he has seen me drunk, he has seen me with my messy hair, in my baggy shorts. And he still said he finds me attractive.

I stare at the mirror and try to find out what it is about me that Sasuke finds attractive.

Is it my face? My pink hair? My eyes? My lips? My nose?

My nose.

I touch the bridge of my nose where I can still feel a small dent. The doctor had told me that it wouldn't be a problem. That a surgery would be absolutely unnecessary. He told me that I shouldn't be bothered about it because it's not something that's visible.

He was right. It can't be seen. But when I touch my nose, I can feel it. It's there as a reminder of what happened.

It's still one of the memories that trouble me the most. I hope someday I can tell Sasuke about it.

Whatever, I'm too excited right now. I don't think I'll be able to sleep. So, I turn my laptop on and play Tangled. It's one of the few romantic movies that I love. One of the movies that don't make me feel like love is an absolute bullshit, something only stupid kids dream of.

My favourite part is towards the end, when Eugene is dying and he says, "Rapunzel, you were my new dream," and a crying Rapunzel replies, "And you were mine."

This scene always makes me feel so warm and maybe a little, just a little, jealous. But as I watch this scene today, I feel something different. I feel a sense of fulfillment, a sense of satisfaction. This scene still remains my favourite. But with a deeper meaning now.

.

.

.

As I open my eyes in the morning, I feel refreshed. I had a good sleep. Now I have a busy day ahead. Just because you fall in love doesn't mean everything else stops. Life keeps going. You just have to manage it all.

.

.

.

"You guys, I have something to tell you," as I say this, I feel all my confidence slipping away.

I have to do it now. I have to tell them. Ino and Sai. About Sasuke. Sai is hardly the problem here. It's Ino I'm worried about.

"What is it?" Ino raises an eyebrow as she takes a bite of her sandwich.

"I..." why is it so difficult? And the more I fumble, the higher Ino's eyebrow rises.

"What did you do, forehead? You're scaring me now."

Say something, Sakura. _Anything_.

"She confessed her feelings to Sasuke. And it turns out that he returns them," Shikamaru says in a lazy tone.

What?

What was that? Wasn't he supposed to be my ally?

"She what?" Ino almost jumps.

"You had feelings for Sasuke?" Sai says at the same time.

Can I just run away? This isn't really going the way I had wanted it to.

"I can't believe it," Ino shakes her head.

"And you were aware of this?" Sai points towards Shikamaru.

I love you, Sai. You got him. Now pay for your betrayal, Shikamaru.

"She told me just a few days ago," Shikamaru scratches his head.

"How long ago?" Ino frowns.

"Not that long. Just last week. Why are you guys attacking me? _She_ is the one who kept it from you," Shikamaru protests.

"And you helped her," Ino accuses him.

Within moments, our table is a complete chaos. Everyone around us is looking our way. Is this what I get for keeping it from my friends? The whole campus finding out about it just a day after we confessed our feelings to each other?

"Hey, you guys."

We all look up to see Naruto standing in front of our table.

That reminds me. He saw us in the locker room yesterday. While we were… kissing. The very thought is about to make me blush in embarrassment but before that can happen, Naruto says, "Sakura, do you know anything about Sasuke's whereabouts?"

Eh? Sasuke's whereabouts? Not particularly. Why does Naruto sound so serious?

"No. I mean, I didn't try to know;" I've been busy with my routine since morning. I didn't really try to contact him since he left my flat last night, "Isn't he supposed to be practicing with you?"

"No. He had that match yesterday. Today is his off day," Naruto pauses for a while and scans our faces. I don't like the look in his eyes; "The thing is, his elder brother passed away this morning. I saw it in the news. I immediately rushed to his room," he looks straight into my eyes before continuing, "But as I had expected, he wasn't there; neither was his motor cycle. And his phone is out of service. I bet he's doing it intentionally."

* * *

What?

I sit up straight. All sleepiness gone in an instant.

Uchiha Itachi as in my brother Uchiha Itachi? He's dead? That's simply impossible. I mean, I just talked to him last night. It's not even been twenty four hours since then. How can he be dead so abruptly?

This has to be a fake news. The headline says 'reportedly' dead. Reportedly. They're not even sure of it. What do they think they're doing?

I search the news section.

There's just this one stupid article. Not another one. This surely is a fake one. It has to be. 

But I still read it. It says he was retrieved from his flat at around 9:00 in the morning. Apparently he tried to take his own life. He used some sort of drug that I have no idea about.

Hold on. This doesn't make any sense. Nothing about it does. Itachi, of all people, trying to commit suicide? Give me a break.

I search again. This time, there's another article. Another 'reported' death. What's wrong with the media these days? Do they no longer care about verifying a news before posting it? All they care about is drawing people's attention. They'll publish anything that'd sell.

Then, there's another one popping up. I search frantically for an article stating the truth.

But am I really looking for the truth? Or am I trying my best to deny it? I'm _not_ looking for an article that gives a more detailed description of what I already read. What I'm looking for is an article that'll refute all the other ones that keep showing up in my news feed one after another. Just one article will suffice, just one that says it was just a misunderstanding, a hoax. That Itachi is still alive. He's in a critical condition, but he's alive. That's all I need.

But I don't find it anywhere. Instead, more articles confirming Itachi's death keep appearing.

How did it happen? How could it happen? Now I'm finally starting to accept that it _did_ happen. The latest articles are no longer using the word 'reportedly', they are blatantly saying that Uchiha Itachi has been found dead.

How did it happen? Itachi? I just talked to him last night. He's dead?

And on top of that, suicide? Not an accident or anything like that; Itachi killed himself?

I've envied him throughout my life. For being so sure about what he wanted to do, for being so hard working and for having everyone's acknowledgement. He had it all. He was at the pinnacle of success. And... he was twenty four. Just twenty four. Too young to be that successful. Too young to die. Wasn't he?

 _Was_. I'm already thinking of him in past tense. I'm slowly getting accustomed to the idea that he's no longer alive.

What was I doing while he was killing himself? Sleeping peacefully. Totally unaware of what was going on.

If only I had known.

If only I had known.

Even if I had known, was there anything I could've done to stop him?

Maybe I could have. Or maybe not. But at least I wouldn't have been able to sleep so soundly. That much I know for sure.

I check the time. It's 11:03. Naruto will find out about the incident. Everyone will. It's just a matter of time. And then they'll come here, to ask me stupid questions, to console me, to offer me their condolences.

I want no part of it.

I decide to leave.

As I stand up, I feel my legs shaking. Same with my arms. They are shaking terribly. My whole body is. And my heart is beating loud and fast.I try to walk; my legs wobble. I hold onto the wall to support myself.

* * *

Sasuke has an elder brother. Or more accurately, Sasuke _had_ an elder brother. I've never heard of him. Well, it's not a surprise. We hardly know anything about each other. We've barely started our… whatever it is.

"How did he… die?" If he was Sasuke's older brother, then he'd have been too young to die yet.

Naruto hesitates before finally saying, "Suicide."

Oh no! That's horrible. I suddenly feel bad for Sasuke's brother whom I've never met in my life. He killed himself. That's all I know about him right now. What might have happened? Why did he have to take such a drastic measure?

And… Sasuke. I bet he is broken. He doesn't show his emotions. But that doesn't at all mean they're not there. He's just bad at expressing them.

That's also why he's going to hurt more. He's going to suffer inside without letting anyone know.

I take out my phone and try calling him although I know it's futile. Then I send him a text. When he switches on his phone he'll get it.

"What do we do now?" Naruto says.

"I guess… nothing," I say slowly.

"What?" Naruto exclaims, "What do you mean nothing?"

"Right now, we _cannot_ do anything, Naruto. Do you know where he might be?"

"No," Naruto hangs his head.

"Neither do I. Do you know anyone who might have any idea?"

"No."

"Me neither. So, we can't really do anything. And the thing is, Sasuke left intentionally. He wants to be left alone."

"But…"

"Naruto, we all have our own ways to deal with pain. And as Sasuke's friend, you know what he is like. You can only help someone who's ready to accept your help. If you're forcing your kindness upon someone, it's no longer kindness. It's cruelty."

Naruto looks up at me.

"Trust me, Naruto. I'm worried about his well-being. I am. I _do_ want to help him. But he isn't ready for it yet," I take Naruto's right hand in my palms and hold it tight, "First, he has to help himself. And once he does that, he will seek us. And we'll wait for that moment. You and I."

* * *

I ride my motor cycle, I have no idea where I'm going. All I can think of is Itachi. His face, his sharp nose, his deep black eyes and long straight black hair, the serious look he always wore on his face. It had been a while since I last saw him. We're both busy with our careers. But I can remember everything so vividly. As if I just saw him yesterday.

I look around. I have no idea how long I've been riding. I have come out of Konoha; that much I can tell. It looks like a small town. I don't know what this place is called. Neither do I care.

I realise that my stomach is empty. I didn't have either breakfast or lunch. I need food. But I don't feel like eating. However, I _should_ eat.

I get inside a store and grab a cup of instant noodles. It's one of my least favourite foods but right now, I couldn't care less.

I add hot water to it and sit at one of the cheap plastic tables outside the store. As I chew the noodles, I take a look around me.

There are people inside the store and on the street; busy with their lives. To me, they look like some different species from a different planet. Because they are not like me. Nothing like me.

I've just lost someone. They haven't. And that makes me feel like I'll never be like them ever again. I feel like this damage is going to be permanent.

We were once a family of four. Not your typical happy family. But still. Not a typical dysfunctional family either. That bond was kind of damaged after my mother's death. Since she was the one holding us together. And now, it's just me and my father.

What's going to happen of us? The two of us don't share anything called family bonds. We're father and son in name only. We're like complete strangers to each other.

Itachi's death is going to change a lot of things. In the family and at the Hospital. I have absolutely no idea how things are going to work out.

But for some reason, I can't get mad at Itachi either. Instead, I'm feeling sorry for him.

.

.

.

As I lie down on the uncomfortable bed in the rented motel room, I think about my last conversation with Itachi.

He had it all planned. Everything. That's why he was acting so weird yesterday. That's why he was being so nice, so... brother like. He knew it was the last time he'd ever have a conversation with me. That bastard.

I switch on my phone to check our last conversation; and it's instantly flooded with notifications.

I re-read our chat from last night.

His last words to me were, 'Good luck, little brother; and good bye.'

Damn it!

Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

If only I had known. If only…

I have a ton of missed calls from Naruto.

I'm not yet in the mood for his loud whining. He is a great friend and I really appreciate having him in my life but he simply doesn't get the idea that I can't always communicate my feelings. It's not because I don't want to. It's because I don't know how to do it. And that during those moments, I need to be left on my own.

There's a few from my cousin as well. I have absolutely no reason to get in touch with him. Now that Itachi is dead, he is most likely to inherit the hospital. I _do_ _not_ give two shits about things like that.

I won't attend Itachi's funeral. I have already made my decision. It'll be a funeral arranged by my father and my uncle and my cousin and all the people from the hospital. It'll be the funeral of Uchiha Itachi, the heir to the Uchiha Medical Institution. It'll not be the funeral of Uchiha Itachi, my elder brother.

I will visit him later. When there's no one else to disturb us. No camera trying to capture exactly how much tears Uchiha Itachi's little brother sheds at his beloved elder brother's funeral.

My sentiments for Itachi are mine and mine only. It's between the two of us. No one else needs to know.

There's also one missed call from Sakura.

Sakura.

We had just confessed our feelings yesterday. And here I am; running away from everything, including her on the very next day.

But I'm not trying to run away from her. I'm trying to run away from the pain and the loss.

Does she understand that? Or does she think it's her I'm trying to push away? If only I was better at expressing myself.

She's also sent me a text. I open it.

_"I know you're not okay. Just be safe, Sasuke. Please. Right now, that's all I ask you to do."_

That's all she has written. It surprises me how short her text is. And how much she has conveyed through those few words.

She's telling me that she isn't mad at me for running away without notice. That she understands why I'm doing this. That she knows I'm not okay. She's not trying to barge in, she's asking me to take the time I need. She's just asking me to be safe.

How does she understand me that much?

"I am safe," I give her a reply because she deserves one. Honestly speaking, she deserves more than that, but right now, it's all I can give her.

.

.

.

As I open my eyes the next morning, the first thought that comes to my mind is that Itachi is no longer a part of this world. This is my first morning waking up knowing that for a fact. There will be another morning like this tomorrow and then another and another. These mornings will pile up.

And one day, they will outnumber the mornings I woke up knowing he was alive.

And it feels strange.

I will grow older. Hopefully I'll live for five more years and I'll be twenty four. Like he was. Then I'll overtake him. Maybe I'll live to be thirty four, or forty four. But he'll remain twenty four for ever.

I check my phone. There's a text from Sakura; _"Thank you for replying, Sasuke. We all were really worried. Take your time. Just know that when you're ready to come back, I will be here. So will be Naruto and although you are not very fond of them, my friends will be here too. Be safe."_

Yes. There are people worried about me. But I do not have to worry about offending them by my selfish behaviour. Because with them is someone who understands me better than I could ever hope anyone to.

 _"Thank you,"_ is all I can say for reply.

I also have a text from Naruto.

_"Sakura told me you're safe. I really couldn't rely on her when she told me to give you some time. But turns out, she was right. Come back to us safely, Bastard."_

_"I will."_

Today's news feed is full of the news. Everywhere, Itachi's death is the headline.

He committed suicide. He left a short note. _'I am tired'_ is all he had written.

How much was he suffering? I want to hate myself for being jealous of him. I thought he had everything one needs. I had accused him of being happy.

Honestly speaking, I never expected I'd be this much affected by his departure. But that's actually because I never tried to imagine him leaving. Ever. I had no idea he'd want to.

I want to cry. I really do. I know it'll make me feel better. Even if it's a little bit. But tears won't come. Instead, it remains as a lump of pain inside my chest.

I never knew Itachi was so precious to me. That the hollow left by his departure would be this big.

I look around my cheap motel room. It's dark, gloomy. I haven't opened the windows. And I don't want to. I want to remain in this darkness for a while. Because I'm not sure I belong to the world of light any more.

I don't leave the room even once. And before I know it, it's evening again. I don't even feel like switching on the lights.

Right now, darkness seems like a friend. Because someone very dear to me resides there.

He is far away. The distance between us is huge now. We have never been near each other, but right now, it's on a different level. It's not a distance I can traverse easily.

Or can I not? Is it that difficult? Itachi did it. He has always been the braver one. That's why he did it first even though I was the one who planned it long ago. Even here, he managed to beat me. But I can follow. Right now, it seems really easy. Because Itachi has already pulled me closer to the boundary of life and death. Right now, I'm equally away from each realm. And I have the freedom to decide which one I want to travel to.

There's a notification from my phone.

It's Sakura.

_"I'm waiting for you, Sasuke. Whenever you're ready, come back."_

She is waiting.

Sakura is waiting. Can I leave her like that? Can I really do that to her?

I need to think properly before making any decision.

.

.

.

This morning, it's easier. The idea of living in a world devoid of Itachi. But it's still strange. For all the nineteen years that I've been living, Itachi has always been there. It's hard to accept that he no longer is. It will take some time.

_"I'm going to college. In case you decide to come back and I'm not in my flat, I'm leaving my key inside the carton Electron, Proton and Neutron sleeps in. It's behind the stairs on the ground floor. I'll be back as soon as my classes are over."_

She strongly believes I will come back. She believes it is the world of the livings I'll choose. How can she be so sure of it when I myself am not?

.

.

.

It's my second afternoon inside a dark room that's barred away from the outside world. I see news of Itachi's funeral. There are several video clips. I see my father, my uncle, my aunt, my cousin and my other family members. I am the only one who isn't there. 

_"I'm back. I can see you're not here yet."_

Yet. Again. How does she know that I'll _ever_ be there?

.

.

.

_"It's Sunday, Sasuke. It's been a week since you left. I hope you return soon. But I'm not asking you to rush. Take all the time you need."_

Sunday. Today is Sunday. Last Sunday I was with her. We confessed our feelings. We started something. I'm not sure what it was but we had just started it. I can't leave it just like that.

I look around myself. How long am I going to sit alone in a dark room, detached from everything? How long am I going to hold onto a dead person?

 _Dead_ person.

I know that sounds rude. But it is true. Itachi is dead now.

But _I_ am... still living. Yes, I am. And I want to continue living.

I'm sorry Itachi. I'm choosing a girl I've known for a few days over you. Over my brother whom I've known for nineteen years. Do you think I'm horrible?

I belong to the world of the livings. I need to see more of that world.

I come out of the claustrophobic room. Seeing sunlight after so many days almost hurts my eyes. It's past afternoon. The sun is setting. The whole area is painted in a bright orange light.

The world is beautiful. The world of the livings is beautiful. I want to spend some more time here.

And someday my time here would be over anyway. That's inevitable. But I hope that day doesn't come anytime soon. Because I have things I want to do. A lot of things.

I might be taking a risk. I am completely aware of it. I lost mother. I suffered then. I still suffer from that up to this very day. Losing you just added to that pain.

What if someday I lose _her_ as well?

Maybe it was better if I didn't get involved with her in the first place. But it's too late now. I'm already involved. And it's not like I did it intentionally. By the time I realised it, she was already very precious to me.

So, even if I end up getting hurt because of it someday, I can't let her go now. I'll take the risk. I want to be with her. I am _choosing_ her.

For now, I'll let go of you, Itachi. Because from this point onwards, our worlds are no longer the same. Someday we'll meet again; when my time comes. Till then, it's goodbye. I'm letting go of you with all the love I have.

I'll remember you. Maybe not everything. Because it sounds easy now. But as years will keep passing, I will keep forgetting. Without even realising _what_ I'm forgetting. I'll forget the details. But I'll not forget the feelings. That much I can promise.

I'll remember you teaching me how to ride a bicycle. The park near the riverbank. Now that I think about it, it was a similar scenery.

The sun was setting and there was this same orange light. And we were laughing. You were running after me as I was trying my best to keep my balance.

I had told you that you'd make a great father. I had meant it. I still believe you would've made a great father.

And look how strange life is! I had never imagined myself as a father. But somehow my life has taken an unexpected turn without me noticing. And right now, I'm not saying that someday I will become one, but the idea no longer seems as absurd as it once did.

What does the future hold? I don't know. But I'm eager to find out.

I pay my bills and get on my motor cycle. I know it'll be really late but I can't wait any longer. I've wasted an entire week. I can't waste another day.

* * *

I'm getting impatient. But I should wait. I should let Sasuke have the time he needs. I have to wait till he's ready.

I'm really worried about him. He can look really tough, but emotionally, he's very fragile. I hope he doesn't do anything stupid. And the worst part is that there's not much I can do about it.

Sasuke isn't someone who can be forced to do something. He'll only do what he himself feels like doing. If I'm aggressive, he'll retreat. I have to be very gentle with him.

That's why I've been sending him texts throughout the entire time. Letting him know that I am here. I'm not knocking impatiently at his door, but I am waiting patiently on the other side. As soon as he feels like it's time for him to open it, I'll be there, waiting for him.

I can only hope he got my message.

.

.

.

As I'm doing my work, I remember It's Sunday. A week since he was here and we talked about our feelings for each other. That was the last time I saw him. When will I ever see him again? I hope it's soon.

My doorbell rings. It's 10:43 pm. Not exactly a time for someone to visit me.

But I know who it is.

I rush to the door. As I throw it open, he's standing right in front of me.

I fling my arms around him. I hold him tight with all the strength I can muster.

He is here. His t-shirt is cold. He's been riding his motorcycle for a while. But his body underneath it is warm. I can feel the warmth against my body. And it tells me he's real. He is right here with me.

I try to hold onto him tighter. I place my forehead against his hard chest. I can listen to his heartbeat. Another evidence that he's real.

I can smell him. His familiar scent filling up my nostrils. It's not the smell of a perfume or any other toiletry, it's the smell of Sasuke. A smell I've started to associate with home without ever noticing.

"Welcome back, Sasuke," I murmur as I snuggle even closer to him if that's possible at all.

He remains still for a while. Then he slowly frees his arms from my embrace. I look up at him, trying to figure out if he's asking me to let go already.

But he takes me by surprise. He puts them around me, pulling me back to his chest once again. Holding me tightly yet very gently.

I feel him pressing his nose against my hair and smelling it. Then, very slowly, very gently, almost in a whisper, he says, "I'm back."


	10. Love

We stand there, at my door, holding onto each other tightly as we can. As moments pass, to me it becomes clearer that Sasuke isn't going to make a move to let me go. So, I finally remove my head from his chest to look up at him.

"Sasuke?"

Without uttering a word, he just lets his tired gaze meet my curious one.

"It's late. How long are you planning to stand outside?"

It might already be too late for him to return to his dorm. But given his current situation, I think he'd still be able to get inside.

But the thing is, that's not where he decided to go; he came here. He came to _me_.

So, I'm guessing that _this_ is where he wants to be. With me. After all, I promised to be there for him. It's only natural that he turned up here.

Sasuke gets inside without saying anything. I shut the door behind us.

"Did you eat dinner?" I'm sure he didn't.

He shakes his head slightly, confirming my suspicion.

"I have soup in the fridge. How about some soup and bread? If you don't like it, then I can make you something else. But that'd take some time. It's already late."

"Soup is fine," Sasuke says.

There's something odd about the way he speaks. He sounds too tired, too confused, too broken and… too distant.

I hope I can help him feel better. But I'm not sure how to do that.

"Then I'll heat it up," I try to give him a warm smile, "Why don't you get washed up in the meantime?"

He stares at me for a while, then says "Okay" so softly that I actually have to strain my ears to hear it.

By the time Sasuke returns to the sitting room, I've arranged his dinner. I have even managed to make some space for him to sit on the couch.

"Eat up," I offer him a smile.

As he sits down to eat, I stand there.

There's so much I want to ask him. But I don't think it's time for that yet. It's true that he has come back. Physically at least. But it doesn't necessarily imply that he's ready for it emotionally.

So, I don't ask him anything. I just watch him as he eats slowly. For the time being, I feel grateful that now, he's at least in front of my eyes. That I no longer have to be worried sick thinking about where he is and how he is doing.

I would've preferred it if I had something better to feed him. He was gone for a week. I'm sure healthy food was the last thing on his mind while he was grieving over his brother.

Sasuke stops eating and looks up at me; having noticed me staring at him.

"How is it?" I ask immediately.

"Good," he says in a flat tone.

"That's great to know. You finish eating. I'll go make the bed," I tell him although I don't believe he's in a state to even realise if a food tastes good or not.

I go to the bedroom and clear up my bed. It doesn't take too much time. I'll let Sasuke sleep here. I can sleep on the couch.

"Sakura," Sasuke calls from outside the door.

"Get inside," I look at him.

He really is a gentleman. Not entering my bedroom without asking for my permission first.

"You're tired. Aren't you? Get some sleep."

He looks at the bed, then at me, then back at the bed again. Confusion written all over his face.

"What's wrong?"

"It's…" he looks at me once again, "It's your bed."

"I already know that," I laugh. But his gaze is just as serious as ever.

"I'm letting you sleep on my bed. How about that?"

He just stares at me. As if it's the most unbelievable thing he has ever heard.

I get it. It isn't something to be taken lightly. Specially when I try to imagine Ino's reaction if she finds out.

Yup. _Definitely_ a bold step. But given the situation, it makes total sense.

"You badly need rest, Sasuke. This is the only bed I have."

I start to leave the room.

"Where are you going?" Sasuke's question stops me.

"To the couch," I turn around.

"No," he says firmly.

Okay. I'm expecting an elaboration. So I just look at him.

"Stay," he says after a while, this time looking down, clearly refusing to meet my eyes.

Stay? As in? Stay in the room? Stay on the bed with him?

"Stay," he finally looks up at me.

As I simply stare at him, not managing to form any word, he speaks again, "Please."

He has never looked so vulnerable.

"Of course, Sasuke. I will stay," I assure him, "I'll be back shortly."

He keeps watching me with an expression that indicated his inability to trust my words completely.

"I promise," I smile. He finally looks like he believes me.

After putting my laptop on the couch, I look at the coffee table only to find that his plate or bowl isn't there.

I go to the kitchen. Everything has been washed and dried and kept at a side on the worktop.

I smile.

When I return to the bedroom, I'm in a much lighter mood.

"You sure you want me here? I have a reputation for kicking people in my sleep. I once kicked Ino out of this very bed."

Sasuke looks very serious. As if he is really considering my words.

"Do you finally want me back to the couch?"

"No," this is the loudest he has been ever since he arrived here.

"Okay then. If you find yourself on the floor in the morning, don't say I didn't warn you," I giggle.

Sasuke falls asleep pretty fast. I guess he was really tired. He has been through a lot. I gently run my fingers through his hair. He looks so innocent, so peaceful while sleeping. It's totally different from how I normally see him.

.

.

.

When I feel Sasuke sit up on the bed with a violent jerk, I get up as well.

"What's wrong, Sasuke? Are you alright?"

He looks at me. He is scared. He's literally shaking. I can see beads of sweat forming on his forehead.

"What happened?" I place my right hand on his cheek, "Was it a nightmare?"

He nods.

"Here, have some water," I offer him the bottle of water from the table.

He takes a few gulps. Then, he calms down to some extent.

"Do you want to tell me what it was about? That might help you feel a little better."

He looks at me for a while. "Darkness. A forest. And fog. And there was…" he stops for a while as he looks at me helplessly, "Death. It was death. I know it was death," he shakes his head violently. "He was chasing after me. I was trying to run away, but I couldn't move; my legs won't move," Sasuke runs out of breath.

"It's okay now," I embrace him; "You're here right now. That was just a bad dream. You're safe, Sasuke, I'm right here with you," I hold him as tightly as I can.

It takes a while for him to stop shaking. I never imagined I'd ever see him like this.

"You're alright, Sasuke," I say again, softly. Then I remove myself from him.

"Now, go back to sleep."

"No," he almost shouts.

"What? Why?"

"I'll see it again."

What?

"Sasuke, are you having this nightmare all this time?"

He nods.

Oh goodness!

"But it's different now," I hold his hands in mine; "Now, I'm here. I'll be watching over you. The moment I feel that you are suffering, I'll wake you up. I promise."

When he goes back to sleep, he holds onto my right hand tightly.

* * *

I check the time as I wake up. 9:46 am. I leave the bed and head towards the sitting room. Not seeing Sakura there, I go to the kitchen.

"Oh? You're up already? Good morning," Sakura's smile is as bright as ever.

"Morning."

Then I remember about Itachi's death once again. It's the first time since that day when it wasn't the first thing on my mind as I opened my eyes in the morning.

"I'm having muesli for breakfast. Do you want some? Or do you want something else?"

"Muesli is fine."

"All right, another bowl of muesli getting ready," she says cheerfully as she takes a sip from her coffee mug.

"Do you take sugar with your tea?" she asks, turning back to me.

"No."

"And how much milk?"

"I don't take milk."

"Oh. That's totally like you," she grins happily. I don't understand what she really means by that.

"You know, I didn't expect you to be up already. You didn't sleep well last night," she says while making my tea.

"Neither did you."

After the first time, that nightmare invaded my sleep twice again and both the times Sakura immediately woke me up. I doubt she slept _at all._

"Oh?" she turns back to face me. "Don't worry about me. I'm fine," she smiles again.

.

.

.

"Don't you have classes?" I finally ask her while eating breakfast together.

"I skipped today."

"Why?"

"Hn?" she raises an eyebrow, "Because I have someone to take care of," she finishes with a smirk.

I kind of hate that she's going to such extents for me. But at the same time, I 'm also happy and really, truly grateful.

"You know Sasuke, you can talk to me." I stare at her; not finding any word immediately.

"About anything."

Yes, I know that. You told me already. You said that you'd never judge me. And from your actions so far, I have every reason to believe you. So, I guess it's okay.

"Itachi... my brother… I talked to him that night. But... I couldn't understand," I look down at my bowl, "I felt that he was being weird, but I just couldn't-"

"It's only natural that you are blaming yourself, but Sasuke, you didn't know what he was thinking," she reaches out her right hand and wraps it around my wrist, "If you had any idea, you would have done everything in your power to help him," her grip on my wrist becomes stronger.

We stay like that for a few moments. Neither of us speaking a word. Then, she slowly lets go of my hand.

"Did you say goodbye to him properly?"

I look at her. Finding her question a little strange. But Sakura's eyes have already left me. She's staring at the coffee table but I can totally tell she isn't looking at anything there.

"Did you say goodbye to him, Sasuke?"

"Yes," I did write a 'bye'. I don't know if that counts as a proper one.

"You know Sasuke, what my one and only regret in life is?" she takes a deep breath; "The last time I visited my Granny, I was mad at my mother about something stupid. And because of that, while leaving, I didn't say goodbye to her. I wanted everyone to know I was angry," she stops for a while. "When she passed away a month later, that used to haunt me all the time. I wanted to ask her for forgiveness, but she wasn't there," Sakura's voice becomes heavy. "Thinking about her used to make me feel guilty, feel horrible."

She finally looks at me.

"But, in the end, I told myself that she wouldn't like it at all. She wouldn't want to remain as a memory that hurts me. If anything, she'd want to be my happy memory. So, I made myself believe that she forgave me. After all, she loved me. Then, I was able to overcome the pain. Later, I started to pretend like she had become my guardian angel. I often talk to her. Not in my mind. I actually speak out loud. I tell her how my day was and everything, I tell her things I can't tell anybody else," Sakura smiles.

"And you know, to me, it doesn't really feel like she is dead. I mean, of course there are times when I miss her terribly. But although I haven't seen her in almost thirteen years, the bond I shared with her, it's still there. As strong as ever. She's still alive, Sasuke. I've kept her alive in my heart."

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to respond to that. And to be honest, I'm not sure everything she's saying even makes sense.  So, keeping quiet is all I can manage to do.

"But, you know, I'm never going to get over the fact that I was rude to her during our last meeting. So, I try not to think about it. Whenever I think about Granny, I try to think about the good things, the happy moments," she gives a sad smile; "Because not all wounds heal with time. Some are permanent; they remain forever. And every time you touch them, they hurt just as badly. But as time passes, you figure out how to live without touching them. It's like a survival strategy."

She gives me another assuring smile.

"A part of you might always feel guilty about not understanding your brother's sufferings. But don't let it turn him into a source of pain for you. I've never met him but I don't think he'd want that."

And that finally gets into my brain.

Of course!

She's right. I was a fool. I was such a fool. I remember bits of our last conversation.

_'Don't be too harsh on yourself.'_

Yes. The answer was always there. Itachi himself had given it to me. I was such an idiot that I didn't even notice.

_'Good luck, little brother'_

I finally get it. He wanted me to live, to be happy. He never wanted me to follow after him.

"Sasuke?"

"Can you let me stay here for a few days?" I immediately try to clarify that I don't have any ulterior motives. "I… I just don't want to be alone."

I'm not ready yet.

"Of course, Sasuke," Sakura smiles like it's no big deal.

Suddenly the doorbell rings, startling both of us.

"Oh, that might be Naruto."

Naruto?

"I forgot to mention, I called him in the morning to tell him that you came back. He has been really worried all this time."

I don't doubt that even for a second. I know very well how much he cares for me.

.

.

.

Since I don't want everyone in the dormitory to know that I've come back but have decided to live with Sakura for the time being, I ask Naruto to bring me some clothes from my room. He complies without any protest. But I'm sure he's going to tease the hell out of me later. I'm almost certain that Sakura's friends would try something similar with her. Assuming they're aware of our current arrangement.

I'm here, literally living with Sakura. It doesn't matter for how long. I am a guy and she is a girl and we're sharing her small flat which includes sleeping on the same bed. But Sakura is the one who's allowing me this. Isn't she? And, it's not like I have any improper intention. I'm here because for me it's a necessity at this point.

Falling asleep knowing she's right here by my side, waking up to see her preparing breakfast in the kitchen, cooking and eating with her, doing the dishes; all of it, all of it make me feel at ease.

There are demons inside my head who try to threaten me, to torment me, to make me suffer in the most horrible ways. I fear them. I don't want to face them. And being with Sakura somehow manages to keep them away.

I watch her closely. She fell asleep while drawing some scribbles in her sketch book.

Of course she would. She hardly slept last night.

That day, when I had come here to apologise to her, she had told me she loves me.

_'I ended up falling in love with you, Sasuke.'_

Back then, I was sure she was mad at me for doing something I had no right to do. So hearing her words, the first thing I had felt was relief.

_So, she isn't mad at me. She isn't kicking me out. She wasn't crying because she felt like I violated her._

_I haven't hurt her._

I hadn't hurt her. At that moment, that was more important to me than anything else.

She said that she loves me. But because of the events that followed, I never got the chance to delve into that.

What does she mean when she says she _loves_ me?

She cares deeply about me. I have no doubts about that. But I do believe that I too, care about her. So, does that mean I _love_ her as well? Is loving and caring the same thing?

How is she so sure she _loves_ me?

Sakura moves in her sleep. So far, she was lying on her back, but now she rolls over and turns towards me.

I drink in her sleeping face.

Strands of her pink hair have escaped from the knot on top of her head. She's wearing a light blue hairband to push the hair away from her forehead. That's making the hair of her fringe stick up in a funny way. I notice that her pink eyelashes are really long. Her nose is kind of… cute? I never imagined myself ever really using that word to describe anything. Her pink lips are slightly parted.

And suddenly Sakura moves again to go back to lying on her back. As she settles, I continue scrutinising her facial features. But I don't manage to go far.

Her lips. Yes. That's where I was. They are kind of… what is the correct word?

Yes.

Kissable.

And it makes me want to kiss her. I remember what it had felt like. Having my lips on hers. My first kiss.

Was it her first kiss as well?

I know she didn't have any boyfriend before. But has she kissed anyone before me? I mean, she's nineteen. But hey, so am I. I haven't kissed anyone before. I know she's good looking and popular but I fulfill these categories as well.

Okay. I'd just ask her. It'd be great if I was her first. Well, even if that isn't the case, I'm glad she was my first.

And I doubt I'll ever kiss anyone else.

I mean, so far I was certain I'd never be able to kiss anybody. That type of intimacy seemed impossible for me. And I can't do these things just to fool around. If I'm not comfortable with a person, I can't stand being anywhere near them.

But then, I met Sakura. I don't know; what on earth exactly happens when you meet a certain someone?

I mean, I was always too busy to be wasting my time thinking about girls. I strongly believed that the only thing that mattered to me was my goals. What I never imagined was that one day a girl will appear in my life and end up turning into one of those goals.

And look at me right now. I'm dying to kiss her. Again.

But she's sleeping.

Screw it.

I lean towards her, lightly brushing my lips against her soft, pink ones. I try to keep it gentle cause I don't really want to wake her up.

But she stirs a little. And I almost jump; immediately removing my lips from her.

What was that? Why am I behaving like I was caught stealing something?

Please don't wake up, I beg to Sakura mentally. Please. Don't wake up. I have no idea how to handle the situation that'll follow if you do.

Please. Please.

And as I watch her, her eyelids flutter open. She looks confused at first. This happens, right? Sometimes when you wake up after napping. But then she looks at me. And she sits up slowly, her eyes still on me.

"Did you just kiss me?"

Okay. I've been caught. There's no running away now. So, let's face this like a real man.

"Ah," I have to sound confident. No unnecessary elaborations. They only make it look like you're trying really hard to convince others.

"Why'd you do that when I'm sleeping?"

Is she mad at me? But her pout is kind of-

"I want to feel it too, you know," she casts her gaze down.

 _That's_ her problem? The solution to that is ridiculously easy. And extremely enjoyable for me.

I lean forward, and grabbing her shoulders with both my hands, I pull her towards me before plunging my lips into hers.

When our mouths finally part, Sakura is totally out of breath. I'm in dire need of air as well. I watch her. She's blushing profusely, not daring to look anywhere near me. I find it amusing. If she's that embarrassed after just kissing, then how's she gonna react when we-

Don't you dare finish that thought, Uchiha Sasuke.

Where did it even come from?

Damn it!

I swear I'm not a perverted person. But when it comes to Sakura, I'm always wanting more.

But calm down, horny boy. At least for now. You'll be sleeping on this very bed with her. And it isn't exactly designed for two people. Damn hormones!

* * *

I don't want to go to sleep yet. I need to find the idea for my next drawing. In the afternoon, I fell asleep while my sketchbook was still filled with nothing but scribbles.

I have to say I was woken up in the best possible way. Remembering that kiss immediately makes me too much aware of Sasuke's silent presence beside me. We're practically on the same spots we were on when that kiss happened. Thinking back about it almost makes me blush again. It feels totally different when you know both of you are in it equally. That connection, it's something on a whole another level. It's unlike anything I've experienced before.

Stop it, Sakura. You're supposed to work on your next project.

Yes, yes. Focus. Don't get distracted. I'm almost there. I already have the idea in my mind. Just need to find out the best way to put it on paper.

"I've been thinking about what you said earlier," Sasuke suddenly speaks.

I can't follow.

"What are you talking about?"

"Itachi," he pauses for a moment, "His last message to me said, good luck. Back then I thought it was because I had told him I had an important task to do. It was right before I came here that night."

"And what do you think about it now?"

"Maybe it was his way of wishing me best for my life ahead."

"I think so as well. I believe he wanted you to know that his good wishes will always be with you. Even when he himself no longer is."

"Ah."

Sasuke falls silent after that. 

"What are you thinking about?"

He looks at me.

"You can tell me. I mean, if you want to of course."

"My mother… it was kind of similar," Sasuke finally says, looking down at his hands.

What? His mother? Don't tell me his mother committed suicide as well. I've heard that these things can be genetic but it's just too much.

I hesitate to press Sasuke about it. I don't want to open up any old wound. So, I wait silently. Hoping he'd continue.

"I… had a match that day. We talked in the morning. She was very excited. She always was, about my matches," there's a certain softness in Sasuke's expression. "After the match, when I checked my phone, there were many missed calls from several of my family members. But I ignored them all. I first listened to a voice message that was from her," he pauses. I can understand that recalling this incident is painful for him.

"You don't have to tell me if it hurts you," as curious as I am, I still can't be that selfish.

Sasuke looks me in the eye, then softly says, "I _want_ to tell you."

Okay then.

"She said that she loves me. That she's proud of me because I'm always working hard, always doing my best. I felt it was a little strange. She'd always call before and after my matches, but sending a message when I'm clearly on court, she had never done that before. Then, as I called Itachi, I found out."

"How did she…?" I can't bring myself to finish the sentence.

"Cardiac arrest."

Then, there's total silence in the room.

"She might've sensed something. That's why she sent me that message first. After that, she had called my brother. But when he picked up the phone, she never responded."

I can't find words. 

"I've always felt very guilty about it. For not being able to do a single thing for her. For not even being aware that she was suffering, breathing her last. She did so much for me, she gave me so much, and I couldn't do anything in return."

"You did. You just never realised."

"I never did. Not a thing," Sasuke sounds a little angry.

"You don't always have to go out of your way to do things for someone. When someone truly loves you, you can make them happy by doing something as simple as living."

Sasuke frowns.

"I completely understand why you might feel guilty. From your point of view, you're like a pathetic son, who failed his mother. But if you think about it from her side, she was happy seeing you happy. She loved you _that_ much. That was the reason she sent you the message first. There's no way she'd have loathed you the way you're loathing yourself. I'm pretty sure she'd hate to see you blaming yourself like this."

Sasuke stares at me without saying anything. I feel a little uncomfortable. Was I too harsh?

But after a while, he takes a deep breath and says, "I hope you are the one who's right."

"Even if I'm not, you're definitely wrong."

"Hn," he looks like he's lost in his thoughts again. 

* * *

It's 6:30 when I wake up. Sakura is still asleep beside me. I didn't have that nightmare last night. However, I did wake up a few times. But every time I did, seeing her by my side, her warmth reaching my body, I managed to go back to sleep without much difficulty.

I take the liberty to make myself a cup of tea. She lets me sleep on her bed. I doubt she'd be mad to see me using her kitchen.

Sakura wakes up at 7.

"Good morning," she says with her usual warm smile.

"Hn."

"Come on, Sasuke. Who says 'Hn' for good morning?" she complains before grabbing her toothbrush.

Then I see her laying out a light pink yoga mat on the floor of her sitting room.

"Now, Sasuke, some yoga poses can be really funny. If you laugh at me, I'll kick you out," she sounds serious.

I know how funny yoga poses can be. But just to tease her, I reply again with a "Hn."

"Think you're very smart? I know you're doing it intentionally," she smirks and then starts her yoga.

.

.

.

"What are you going to do all day? I don't think I'll be back before 6." She asks me while eating breakfast.

"I think I won't be here all day."

"Eh?" Sakura raises an eyebrow.

"I'm thinking of going to visit Itachi's grave."

"Oh. I see," she keeps silent for a while, "You didn't go to his funeral."

"You watched the news?"

"Of course I did, Sasuke. You disappeared just like that. I had no idea where you were, how you were doing, what you were thinking. I tried anything and everything to draw out even the smallest piece of information about you. Or at least I wanted to. But all I managed to get was your curt replies which pretty much didn't tell anything. And it's not even like you always gave me one. And you know what the worst part was?" Sakura looks at me with eyes full of rage.

I don't reply. 

"I had to pretend like I was okay with it. I couldn't shout at you like 'Hey, Sasuke, can't you see how much I'm suffering?' because I knew you were suffering so much more than me. I wanted to ask you so many things. I wanted to call you, I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to ensure that you really were okay. Your replies did shit to give me any sense of relief. But I couldn't. Because knowing you, I knew that if I tried that, you'd simply block my number or something and I'd lose whatever little contact I had with you. As insignificant as it was, it was still better than nothing."

"You're mad at me."

"Trust me, I'm not."

I frown. Cause clearly that's not at all what it looks like.

"I wanted to be. But how could I? You were in a pain I couldn't even begin to imagine. You weren't doing it to hurt me. You were just trying your best to handle the pain. I wasn't mad, Sasuke. I guess I was… frustrated. Very frustrated. Because I couldn't do a single thing to help you." She hangs her head.

Her honest words leave me at a loss for words.

"Damn it," Sakura almost jumps, "I'll be late."

.

.

.

When she finally leaves, she's back to her normal self again. She gives me a peck on the cheek and says, "See you in the evening, roomie," with her characteristic bright smile. I stand at her door, watching her leave.

On second thought, I think I too, might _love_ her.


	11. Choices

"Umm... Sakura, the Head of the Department asked you to see her after class."

"Huh?" I look at my classmate, a little surprised. We have never talked before. To be honest, I am not even sure what her name is.

"Oh, okay. I got it," I say hurriedly as I realise that I have been literally gawking at her. "Thank you for informing," I add with a smile.

"You are welcome," she returns my smile. Then, she looks like she is hesitating about something before finally saying, "You look better."

"Heh?"

"I... actually... I noticed that you looked really troubled the past week. Like… something was bothering you. And then, you were absent yesterday. You are hardly absent from classes." she says with a timid smile.

Was I _that_ obvious?

"I don't mean to be rude-"

"You are _not_ being rude," I don't let her finish. "Thank you for your concern. I was indeed having some problem regarding my personal life. But it's alright now." I smile again, still trying very hard to remember her name.

"Don't worry about her, Hinata," Sai peeps from behind me.

Yes, Hinata. Hyuga Hinata.

Thank you, Sai. I really do love you a lot.

"She was worried because last week, her boyfriend had suddenly disappeared. But now he has come back and everything is fine."

WHAT?

What did he just say?

I look at Hinata. She is staring at me. Clearly, Sai's explanation went beyond her expectations.

Then I look around us. Did anyone hear that idiot?

I take back what I said moments ago. I hate him.

"What are you blabbering?" I hit Sai with my elbow as hard as I can.

"Don't listen to him, Hinata. He just keeps talking nonsense," I try my hardest to manage the situation.

"What nonsense?" Sai starts to protest but I don't let him.

"Just shut up!" I shout before he can blurt out another unnecessary comment.

"I see," Hinata smiles timidly. Then she says something totally unexpected.

"Umm... excuse me for asking this… but by any chance... the person you are talking about... is it Uchiha Sasuke?"

 _What_ did she just ask?

"Just how much have you been announcing, you complete arse?" I glare at Sai. I might make my best friend a widow before she even gets to walk down the aisle.

"No, no. Don't get mad at him," Hinata stops me. "He didn't tell me."

"Then, how do you know?"

"Actually, you could just deny it the moment she asked you. It's your reaction that gave your little 'secret' away," Sai comments in a grumpy voice.

"Shut up!" I shout at him although he is right. And honestly, because he is correct, it pisses me even more. "How do you know it, Hinata?"

"Well... I have kind of... seen you talk to Uchiha Sasuke and Uzumaki Naruto several times... I mean, of course I know that talking to anyone does not mean you are in a relationship... But you don't really talk to a lot of people... But still... I really thought you were just friends... But then, Sai just mentioned about your boyfriend disappearing last week. The whole campus knows that Uchiha Sasuke has disappeared since his brother's death," she looks down at her feet, refusing to meet my eyes.

"I see," I remain silent after that. There's no point in denying now.

"Can you please keep it to yourself, Hinata? I mean, no one knows about our relationship except our friends. And more importantly, no one knows he's back."

"Don't worry. I won't tell anyone," she meets my gaze in order to sound more convincing.

"Thank you," I smile.

* * *

"I didn't attend your funeral. Did that make you mad? Well, even if it did, I had my own reasons. They might not make much sense to you, but to me, they were pretty valid.

Let's do it this way.

Both of us might have complaints against each other. Lots of them. Let's not hold onto them anymore. I am not holding it against you for leaving me alone here with father. Although that's pretty horrible to be honest."

I look around the graveyard. Winter has started to announce its arrival. The blowing wind is kind of dry and chilly. The flowers on the graves have started to wither.

There's no one around. And I am glad about that. I don't have to worry about being stared at.

"You know, it still feels kind of strange. I watch those videos from your conferences. You are so much alive in them. Moving and speaking. It's hard to believe that you are really gone.

I wish you had spoken to me about your sufferings. At least once.

But that's not how it works. I am completely aware of that. You cannot just open up to anyone simply because he asks you to.

You have to have a certain level of bonding to do that. And in order to develop that kind of a bond, both parties have to make efforts. And I never did my part.

And right now, I really am regretting it.

But it's no use. It isn't going to bring you back.

But what else can I say? Please forgive me, Itachi. I am really sorry.

You loved me. Didn't you? You cared for me.

I never had any idea.

I have always associated you with father. To me, it always felt like you two were a team or something. That all you too needed was each other. Of course you needed Mom. She was, after all, the heart of our family. We _all_ needed her. But I have always felt like you two couldn't care less about me. That you were too busy to even stop to think that I exist.

But, it turns out that you _did_ care. And I am sorry for not noticing it.

And I am sorry for behaving like I didn't give a damn about you. Because the truth is; I have _always_ wanted to be close to you.

I know it's too late. I should have said it to you earlier. Forgive me Itachi. I should have been more honest with my feelings.

I have always envied you. You were the lucky one. You had a dream that father approved of. Totally unlike me.

Ever since I was a child, you'd only come home for a few days. But during those very short periods of time, father would have more interactions with you than he ever had with me while living in the same house. It made me so jealous. I was so jealous of you, Itachi.

But that wasn't all. I aspired to be like you. Would you believe it if I told you that _I have always admired you?_

You were way too dedicated, too hard working. I was never a slacker myself. But I never compared to you. Didn't even come close. I at least want to relax at times. I get tired occasionally.

But you were always working relentlessly. You never needed a break. You never got tired. You were too perfect to be a human being.

I often wished I could be like you.

But I don't anymore.

And I wish you hadn't done that either.

Because I realised that regardless of what you appeared to be, you were, after all, a human being. And you too, did get tired.

_'I am tired.'_

That's what you wrote. Proving all my assumptions about you being perfect wrong.

Your obituaries told that you lived till the age of twenty four. But they were wrong. So terribly wrong.

How long had it been since you stopped living? Or rather, did you ever live?"

I can feel it. Something warm flowing down my cheeks. Tears.

I am crying. Finally. All this pain that was clustered inside me, finally it's pouring out.

I contemplate wiping them away. But I think that'd only make my crying even more obvious.

So, I just let the warm fluid run down my face. No one is here anyway.

I cry. It has been years since I last shed tears. It almost feels like a foreign feeling. And I have to admit, it feels good. It eases the pain to a certain extent.

* * *

"You asked to see me, Ma'am?"

"Drop the formalities and get inside already," says my blonde HOD from behind her desk. She is hands down, the prettiest woman I have ever laid my eyes upon. Even at this age, she is prettier than most women in their twenties. But of course, beauty is not all she has.

"Sit down already."

I follow her order then look at her. Why did she call me?

"You have done some works in hand lettering, haven't you?" Tsunade asks.

"Yes. Just small works though."

"Are you ready for a bigger challenge?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, someone I know is holding a party. And he wants the invitation cards to be hand lettered. You know, rich people and fancy things."

"You are pretty rich yourself," I comment.

"Yeah, whatever. I do not like fancy things," she says with a certain amount of disinterest in her voice.

"Anyway, he asked me if I have someone reliable for the task. The number of guests is very few, just around thirty. But the payment will be really handsome. Perks of working for rich people," Tsunade smirks.

"Sounds tempting."

"Of course it is. And you know, the invitees are all 'rich people' as well. And fancy ones on top of that. If you can manage to draw their attention, you might as well hit a lottery."

"I am guessing you are one of those invitees?"

"Lucky me!" she says dramatically.

Of course, I end up accepting the offer. As I am about to leave after discussing the details with her, Tsunade says something I was not at all prepared for.

"Last week, I received a call from your mother."

I freeze on the spot.

"Don't be that nervous, it wasn't as your HOD, but as your landlady."

Huh?

I stare at her, unable to process what's going on. "She introduced herself as Haruno Mebuki, the mother of my _former_ tenant Haruno Sakura," Tsunade looks at me with a glint of mischief in her eyes.

Former? What on earth?

"She told me that my current tenant, the young man, informed her that you have moved out and wanted to ask if I knew where."

Eh?!

"I'd think she had ended up at some other tenant's door by mistake. But that'd be if I had any. Care to tell me when this mysterious 'young man' moved in?" she smirks.

"No! No! That's not it. He didn't move in with me," I feel my face heat up. "He is just staying with me for the time being."

"Is that how it is?"

I realise what I just did. I acknowledged that a guy is indeed living with me. I feel my throat and lips going completely dry. I look at the glass of water on Tsunade's table.

"Here," she offers me the glass. I look at her. Unsure whether to accept it or not.

"So, you've found yourself a boy," she says softly.

Not knowing what to say, I grab the glass and empty it within seconds.

"Stop being so nervous," she leans back on her chair, smiling "It feels so nostalgic. Reminds me of those good old days."

But then, she straightens up immediately, "My good days aren't over yet, let me remind you."

I look at her. Still unsure what to say. I have known this woman for less than two years but have come to rely on more than anyone else.

Of course I have friends and they are always there for me. But after all, they are young, just like me. They lack experiences just like I do.

I had parents. Or, actually, I _have_ parents. But all they ever tried to do was to direct me. To tell me which path to take, which path not to take. And it felt suffocating.

Then I met Tsunade. She is older. Older than my parents. And much wiser. But she never tries to tell me what choices to make. All she does is to explain to me the possible consequences of each of them.

She leaves the decision making to me. She gives me the freedom to choose my path. She is exactly what I have always thought a parent should be. I really admire her a lot.

"What are you thinking?"

"Nothing," I reply immediately.

"Clearly a lie," she says nonchalantly. "If something is bothering you, you are always welcome to consult me. I thought I have already made that clear."

She did. She clearly did. So, in the end, I speak up.

"I am kind of scared."

"Of?" Tsunade raises an eyebrow.

"This whole relationship thing. I am really happy to have met him. But I am also a little bit nervous."

"Why?"

"This isn't what I had planned. I had intended to spend my college life strictly focusing on my studies. Building a career, securing a future for myself. I didn't think I'd have any time to spare for things like 'love'. That I'd have too many things to take care of."

"That _indeed_ is true. Right now, you do have to work hard in order to build a good life. But tell me, Sakura; what do you call a good life?"

I look up at her. Unable to find an answer immediately.

"Do you think _I_ have a good life?"

"Of course," who is she kidding? I would kill to have a life like her.

"Why?"

Eh?

"Why do you think my life is a good one?"

Okay. It is kind of difficult to put it into words.

"You look... happy."

"You've got it. I am happy. Because I am very satisfied with my life. And in order to build a life like this, you will have to keep working.

 _Always_.

You will always have things to take care of.

If a day comes when you go like _, 'Oh! This is it. This is the happiness I was searching for. I finally achieved it. So, now I can take it easy and relax,'_ that is the day you will start walking towards unhappiness. Because people change. You are not the same person you were three years ago. Are you?"

I shake my head. Of course I am not. I am much more matured, much stronger, braver and determined.

"We learn new things every day. We grow every day. And we change every day. We don't always take the time to notice that. But we do change. All of us."

I keep looking at her. Not able to contribute to this so far one sided conversation yet.

"The Sakura that had decided to focus all her time studying and building a future, that wasn't you. That was an older version of you. But the Sakura that is sitting in front of me right now wants something else. It's good to have plans for your future, but as you grow, you need to keep modifying the plan accordingly. And want me to tell you something interesting?"

When I don't say anything, she continues.

"You are _still_ trying to secure a future. It's just a little different from the one you had previously imagined. Because, back then, he wasn't in the picture yet. This boy, what was his name again?"

"Sasuke," I respond immediately.

"Sasuke? So you're dating that Uchiha kid from Orochimaru's department?"

What? She tricked me. And I totally fell for it.

"You tricked me," I try to sound a little dejected in order to hide my blush.

"Don't get mad at me. Of course I'd want to know who you are going out with," she smirks. "But didn't he leave without any notice after his brother's incident?"

"Yes. He did. He just came back on Sunday. He hasn't returned to college yet. Wait a minute-"

That's right. Sasuke came back on Sunday. That was the day before yesterday.

"You said you received the call last week."

"Yup."

"But back then Sasuke wasn't living with me yet."

"Then who was it? Just how many guys are you letting live in your flat?"

"Of course only one. Why'd you ask such a question?"

"But then how does it make sense?"

If only I had any idea.

"Could it be Sai? Or that other boy, that friend of yours?"

"I don't know. None of them ever said anything about it. And I cannot exactly think of a time when I might have left them in my flat alone to do that."

But then again, Sasuke does not know about my family history. And the guy had apparently told my mother I have moved out. Whoever it was, he did that intentionally. This is kind of confusing.

"Just ask them. You clearly have no idea."

I guess I'd do just that. I am about to open the door when Tsunade speaks, "And Sakura," I turn back. "love isn't something you do during your 'spare' time. It is just as important as your other tasks. It needs just as much 'full time' attention if not more. You have to balance everything. That's how it works. And I don't know how long you have been in this relationship, but so far, I have not seen any tangible decline in your academic performances. As long as you are not ignoring what is already important to you for something important that you recently found, it's all right," she smiles softly.

I thank her before leaving.

I feel a little more confident. I grew up listening that I lack the maturity to make decisions on my own. Now, even though I am trying to live by myself, even though I am trying my best to believe in myself, sometimes I have my doubts.

 _What if_ I really am making a mistake? _What if_ I really end up ruining my life this way? Like my mother says I definitely will? I am always working my hardest. Always giving my best. But _what if_ my best is nowhere near enough? _What if_ I need to push myself even harder?

That is the worst feeling on earth. Doing your best and still fearing that it's inadequate.

But talking to Tsunade today, I feel better. I can relax a little bit.

Life is all about making choices. There isn't one right choice and all other wrong choices like I was taught from my childhood. There are just choices and their consequences; good ones and bad ones.

And once you have chosen your path, you have to be prepared to face both.

We often tend to forget that. Very often, we choose a path, then something goes wrong and we start to regret our decision. We think this is not the path we were supposed to take. The 'right' path was a different one.

But that's not how it is. Every single path has its own obstacles. We never got to know about the hurdles of the paths we never took. That's all.

And the thing is, these impediments are necessary. Because when we work hard to overcome them, we grow stronger.

We become strong according to the obstacles we try to overcome on our ways.

Just like I read in that book;

_"When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm is all about."_

That's right. I will face adversities. Not because I made the wrong choices. But because adversities are parts of life. And I will face them and overcome them. I did not make a mistake. I am not making a mistake. I will make it through. Because I am not giving up until I do.

I check the time. It's 4:30. Professor Shizune's last class got cancelled.

I decide to go shopping. I told Sasuke I wouldn't be back till 6. And he indeed went to visit Itachi's grave. So, he won't be back anytime soon. I need groceries. Right now, Sasuke is staying with me. That wasn't pre-planned. So, I actually need to go shopping.

* * *

"You don't know this, there was a time when I wanted to kill myself. When I was around fourteen.

I was still trying to come in terms with Mom's death. I was doing horrible in my tennis career. Losing one match after another. For months.

You were not there. And father hardly talked to me. And even when he did, it was only to express his disappointment. He had let me take the path I wanted to take. And still, I was so miserable.

I was so damn frustrated. I had lost all motivations.

I felt like there was nothing left for me to live for. And I was sure no one would even care if I died.

But when I picked up the blade and slashed my wrist, the cut wasn't at all deep. It wasn't intentional. I truly, really wanted to die. But that was my first time trying to do something like that. I didn't have any idea.

But after that, when I realised that I needed to make a deeper cut, I couldn't do that. Suddenly, I was reminded of all the things I still held dear. All the things I still wanted to achieve. I could no longer find the courage.

I closely watched the droplets of red blood oozing out of the fine cut I had made. And I realised that death was so close. It was so easy to grasp. And it felt so liberating. I knew that I could die anytime if I really wanted.

But I decided that I didn't want it yet. I was already at the rock bottom. I couldn't sink any lower. But I could try one last time to come up once again.

And this time it was so much easier. Because this time, I was doing it only for myself. I no longer cared about what others thought of me, how they saw me. Because I was in the toilet, cutting my wrist open. Had I not changed my mind, I would have lost my life and no one would have even known.

Since that day, I only cared about myself. Well, not that I was ever very much concerned about others. But since then, I made it a point to live only for myself.

I used to carry a blade in my bag. Whenever I'd feel that the pressure is getting too much to handle, I'd take it out. It would remind me that death was always an option. But I wouldn't give up until I have tried my best.

And in the end, I won this fight. I threw the blade away. I have been doing good. I have never been suicidal since then.

But then, you killed yourself and it all came back again.

This time, it wasn't because I was frustrated or suffering. This time, it was simply because your departure was so abrupt. I wasn't ready to let go of you yet.

I know you wouldn't have liked it. You never wanted me to follow you there. But at that time, I didn't have the ability to think properly.

I felt like you were so brave.

You actually did what I failed to do. And I almost envied you for that.

But not anymore. I am not as brave as you. I admit my defeat.

But not with bitterness. Rather, with contentment.

I might be a coward. But that has worked great for me. I am very grateful that I am still breathing. I love you, both you and Mom. But I don't intend to join you anytime soon. Because I have already made my choice. I am going to live.

And slowly, I am getting used to your absence. Well, you were never really present in my life in that sense.

Whatever, I am now able to think about the few happy moments we shared without being horrified about your death.

We cannot create new memories anymore. Death ensured that. But the ones that have already been formed will always be there. Death isn't powerful enough to snatch them away.

I will cherish them forever. I thank you for those precious moments.

I hope you are at peace now. I hope you are not tired anymore. I have never believed in God. So, I have no one to pray to. My prayers are merely wishes. Very honest heartfelt wishes.

There will be times when I will be sad. It just cannot be helped. But in the end, Itachi, I will keep you in my life as a happy memory.

And you might be wondering how I became so matured within such a short period of time. I was on the verge of doing something very stupid just a week ago. But Itachi, when I was almost about to follow your footsteps, someone held me back.

Someone I met at college. I have never believed in destiny. But right now, I am not sure what else I can call it.

I had been seeing her and completely ignoring her for the first one and a half years of college. I bet she did the same thing.

Then one day, you could say I was literally _thrown_ at her face.

It reminds me of a story she told me about. About things only happening when the right time comes. Maybe this is where we were supposed to start. Because to make it work, we needed to be exactly these versions of ourselves. And to become these versions, we needed this much time.

Have you ever loved anyone, Itachi? But I guess that's the easier part. Have you ever been loved back by the person you love?

I have. And it feels...

I don't know the right word for it.

And the thing is, she loves me so damn much. I am not even sure I deserve this much love. What does she see in me? What have I ever done to be loved like this? She loves me exactly in the way I wanted... NO... I _needed_ to be loved.

She kind of reminds me of you."

I look at Mom's grave. Because of Itachi, she too, has been getting a lot of visitors these two weeks. I can tell from the flowers.

I remember Sakura's words. She said that she really 'talks' to her grandmother. It sounds kind of immature, but it doesn't hurt to try it once. After all, I miss Mom terribly. And no one's here to laugh at me.

"She often makes me think of you. But she is also very different from you.

You were so poised, so elegant, so ladylike. She is kind of... 'weird' is the only word I can come up with.

She wears men's clothes because they have pockets. She gives the weirdest names to her cats. And she is even messier than me. And just recently, I saw an example of her sewing talents. And I swear, even I can sew better than her.

And unlike you, she gets mad and loses her calm at times. She isn't as composed as you were.

But she can cook really well. Just like you. I mean, her cooking does not taste like yours, but it tastes great.

And she is pretty. Very pretty. But not like you. She has pink hair. Before I got to know her, I was sure that her hair was dyed. But apparently, it isn't. And her eyes are green. And as if to go with that hair colour, she is called Sakura.

But you know, why she reminds me so much of you?

It's because of the way she loves me. So unconditionally. She accepts me for everything that I am. Like you did.

I am really grateful that I met her. I am really happy. And a little scared.

What if I lose her someday like I lost you?

She has become too important to me within too little time. And it scares me. I don't want to let go of her. Ever."

I stop finally. Sakura was right. It feels good. I cannot remember ever saying so much at one go. But I am 'talking' to Mom after six years. Six long years.

But now it's starting to get dark. I think I should leave. I have said everything I had to say. Well, most of them. Now I am feeling peaceful.

"I'm leaving today. I'll visit again."

Maybe, if she wants, someday, I can come here with Sakura.

With that in my mind, I turn around. Ready to leave.

And there, standing right in front of me, is my father.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Book mentioned: Kafka On The Shore by Haruki Murakami.


	12. Unveiling

I have no idea exactly how long we stand there. None of us uttering a word. Simply looking at each other with empty expressions on our faces.

To say I was 'surprised' to see him here would be very much of an understatement.

 _Why on earth_ is he here? Isn't he always running short on time? For goodness' sake, he's the president of that goddamn hospital. How can he show up here at this hour?

"You look better than I expected," he is the one to break the silence. His voice exactly as serious and deep and devoid of any emotion as I remember it to be. That reminds me, I haven't talked to him since I came to college almost two years ago. I never went home during the holidays. There's nothing left there. I doubt I should even be calling that place 'home' anymore. Because by now, I'm sure that 'home' is hardly a place.

Oh, right. He said something. About me looking better than he 'expected'.

Well, shouldn't he be already accustomed to that? When have I ever been good at meeting his expectations?

When I don't say anything, he speaks again.

"Your college said you haven't come back yet."

He contacted my college? What for? What is it that he wants from me now?

Seeing that I'm still maintaining my silence, he sighs and then starts walking towards me.

And I don't like it. I don't feel comfortable in his proximity. I hate to admit it, but seeing him in front of me, I still struggle to find my otherwise overflowing self-esteem.

He's like a constant reminder that I'm not good enough. Never will be.

He walks towards me but thankfully goes past me and stops in front of Itachi's grave. Then he stands there in silence. No longer looking my way, focusing his attention towards his dead, older son's gravestone.

And I wonder what he's thinking. Is he wishing that Itachi had not died? Does he wish it was me instead? I flinch a little at that thought.

Deciding that staying here isn't going to do me any good, I start to leave.

"Wait."

And I stop immediately. My body reacting to his command before my ears can even process it.

What is it about? Is this a family reunion or something? When was the last time the four of us were gathered together in the same place? I can't even remember.

But does this even count when two of the members have already been reduced to ashes?

I don't know. But I stay. I may not like him. But I respect Mom and Itachi. So, I stay for them.

We stand side by side in silence.

"She wasn't like that either," he finally speaks in his characteristic deep voice.

Huh?

What is he talking about? I turn my face to look at him.

As always, his expression doesn't give anything away. He's simply looking at what I assume is my mother's gravestone.

"Mikoto."

Mikoto? Mom? He's talking about _Mom_?

"She used to be very…" he pauses as if searching for the correct word; "lively" he finally says.

I frown.

"She used to cut her hair very short because longer hair was difficult to manage. She didn't know anything about cooking or any other household chores. She used to love mathematics. She... wanted to be a teacher."

Wait a minute! Mom? My mother? No way!

Mom without her long, straight hair? Mom not knowing how to cook? Don't joke with me! And Mom and mathematics? They just don't match up. Not at all.

"She gave it all up."

"Why?" I find myself speaking for the first time since my father appeared in front of me. He doesn't reply for a long time.

"In order to marry me."

Excuse me?

"Your grandfather didn't like it. The way she was."

I have no idea how to process this information. Firstly because it's so sudden.

I've seen Mom for thirteen years. Mostly as a mother and a wife. I never stopped to think that she wasn't always like that.

She once was young. A young girl with dreams and hopes for her future.

And now that I think about it, it feels almost absurd how I never thought of this before.

I'm starting to figure it out now. _Of_ _course_ my grandfather wouldn't like her. The prestigious Uchiha family. Their honour and glory can't be put at stake by accepting someone like _that_ into the family.

They have established an image. Over the years. There's a rule about how every single thing should be. And if you can't follow their customs, there's no place for you among them. They neither want nor like modifications. They want things to remain exactly as they always have been. They often remind me of living fossils.

"Did you?" I ask.

Did he love her the way she was? Or did he too, like grandfather want her to change?

He takes a while to answer.

"I did."

I was thinking that _this_ is the answer I'm hoping for. Because it'd mean he really loved her. For who she was. The real her. Not an image of her that existed in his mind.

But it makes me mad.

"Then why?"

If you really did like the way she was, then why did you let it happen to her? Why didn't you stand up for her? Where were you when grandfather was telling her to give up on her dreams in order to become your wife? Why was it just her? What did _you_ sacrifice in order to become her husband? Did you think being the heir to a prestigious family gave you all the rights?

It irritates me that he doesn't reply.

"I think she shouldn't have married you," I've never taken this tone with him. Never dared. But right now, I can't help it.

"Don't you dare say that again," he flares up immediately, "Ever."

I can't respond to that. It's not that I like the idea of my parents not ending up together. But I just can't stand it when I think about Mom. Everything she had to go through because she fell in love with my father. And I'm feeling a little guilty. I'm not sure why.

"When I told father I'll only marry Mikoto, he threatened to kick me out of the family. So I worked relentlessly. Day and night. I didn't care about being the heir. All I wanted was to ensure I don't get thrown out of the family. I didn't want her to be called the 'reason' the elder son of the Uchiha family got kicked out. And when father finally named me his successor, the first thought on my mind was that Mikoto is the one to become the wife of the heir. The lady of the honourable Uchiha family. Not your aunt, whom your grandfather had chosen himself. And it was all because of _my_ hard work."

And then there once again is silence. I'm sure this is the longest I have ever heard him speak.

In my nineteen years of life, I've never had much of a 'conversation' with him. I _don't_ _know_ him. That is the first thing I realise here at this moment. I don't know this man who is my father.

To me, he has always been the proud president of the prestigious Uchiha Medical Institution. And for the first time in my life, I'm feeling like there might be something else in him. Something like a shadow of a real human being.

And honestly speaking, I'm not sure how I feel about this discovery. Sure, maybe he cares a little more than I've always believed him to. But is that much enough?

I don't know.

I have to leave. There's just too much going on in my mind. I need some time to sort it all out.

"I'm leaving," I say in a flat voice which I suddenly realise is a trait I've inherited from him.

"Sasuke," his voice stops me. I turn to look at him.

"Take care of yourself," he says it like he actually means it.

Since when does he care about my well-being? My well-being isn't going to benefit him in any way. He clearly understands that. I'm not a doctor. There's not a single way in which I can contribute to this 'prestigious' family I was born into.

And I'm about to point that out. But before I can, he speaks again.

"And…" he looks back at Mom's grave, "treasure her."

Treasure her? Of course I do treasure her. I don't need him to tell me that.

"I always have. She's my mother."

"Not her," he looks back at me, "That girl. The one called… Sakura."

It takes me more than just _a while_ to process that. It's so abrupt. How does he even know about Sakura?

Then it hits me. He was standing right here when I was telling Mom about her. That's right. That is the reason he spoke about Mom in the first place. 

And now that I get it, it surprises me. He's asking me to _treasure_ Sakura? That definitely isn't something I'd expect from him.

I never tried to imagine my father's reaction regarding this matter. But even if I had tried, this isn't what I'd have pictured. If anything, I'd have expected him to disapprove of her. To do exactly what he says my grandfather did to my mother.

Or at least, I'd expect him to try. Because I'm not him. I'll not let him do that to Sakura. I'll stand up for her.

But now it doesn't seem like I'd have to. And I'm confused. Very confused.

Suddenly, I want to see Sakura. I need answers. Answers that she definitely can't give me. But I don't care. All I know is that I want to see her.

I don't look at him again. Neither do I say goodbye to him. I simply leave. And surprisingly, he doesn't even try to stop me.

On my way, I think of Sakura. She appeared in my life without any warning. I wasn't prepared. I was confused when she was becoming so important to me. I didn't understand what was happening and why.

It hasn't been long since I started to accept this feeling. Whatever it is. I never stopped to think about the consequences.

But now I have to.

Because just now, I'm starting to understand what it means to have someone like that in your life. So far, I've only thought about the benefits.

But now I'm starting to understand the responsibilities that come with it. I _do_ care about her. I figured that long ago. But I realised the weight of it just today.

Sakura is young now. She has dreams and goals. And I don't know much about those. But I know she's great at what she does; and very passionate about it. I learned that long before I became acquainted with her.

When she grows older, I don't want her to end up like my mother did. I'll not let her give up on her dreams. She'll never be giving up on any single thing in order to be with me. And it's _my_ responsibility to ensure that.

* * *

I'm in the middle of making the sauce when the doorbell rings. I wipe my hands in the apron and proceed to open the door.

"What's your dream for the future?"

Huh? Where did that come from?

"What are you talking about?"

"You must have a goal type of thing… an ambition in life," Sasuke says, getting inside and shutting the door behind him.

"I guess it's obvious that I want to be an artist."

"What type of an artist?"

"Well… I want to create arts that can touch people's hearts."

Sasuke frowns.

"You see, directly we can't always express all the things we feel. To me at least, art is an excellent way to convey all the things I can't convey otherwise. I want to express my feelings through my arts. And when people look at those arts, I want them to be able to connect to those feelings."

"That is why you draw? To express your feelings?"

"I think that's something every artist does. If you create an art without any feelings, it'll turn out very shallow. It might be good to look at, but it won't be able to make anyone feel anything. Feelings are like the _soul_ of an art. They make the art come alive. And I want to create that kind of arts."

"Sounds complicated."

"I guess it is. It's one of those things that can't be understood. It can only be felt. Until and unless you feel it yourself, no matter how much I explain it to you, you won't get it."

"Hn," Sasuke heads towards the kitchen.

"But why are you asking this out of the blue?"

"I didn't know," he appears with a bottle of water, "About your dreams."

"Why are you suddenly interested in my dreams?"

Sasuke raises his brows a little.

"Don't misunderstand. It's not that I have anything against it. I'm actually happy that you are interested. But it's kind of abrupt."

Sasuke keeps quiet for a while.

"I met my father at the graveyard. He told me about my mother."

"What about her?"

"The dreams she had when she was young," he pauses. "She gave it all up. She gave up on who she wanted to be and instead became someone else in order to be with my father. I can't let that happen to you."

As he finishes speaking, he looks at me with a certain determination in his eyes. And it baffles me.

I remember when Ino and Sai started dating. They were totally smitten by each other. They would go on romantic dates every week. They'd call each other names that'd make me and Shikamaru cringe. They'd always hold hands. Sai would buy her flowers and chocolates. They were hopelessly in love.

Sasuke and I are completely different. We've hardly done any of the things that couples normally do. We haven't gone on any date yet. We're just doing the most mundane daily tasks together. We don't hold hands or give each other nicknames. Sasuke doesn't buy me roses. He doesn't show much affection in the typical way. Well, he hasn't even told me that he loves me.

But I don't see any reason why he has to. Because there's no way he does not. He might not have said it in words. But he tells me through his actions.

Like right now. He's practically telling me that he wants to protect _my_ dreams. No one else has ever said that to me before.

Suddenly I realise that all my worries about my love life interfering with my career was totally pointless. Because the person I'm in love with is Sasuke. And to him, my dreams are just as important.

And before I know it, I'm crying.

"What happened?" Sasuke starts walking towards me, utterly confused.

But before he can reach me, I rush to him. I wrap my arms tightly around his narrow torso. My face pressed against his hard chest.

"Thank you, Sasuke," I breathe in his familiar scent, "Thank you."

"Hn," is all he says in return. He doesn't even return my embrace. But I don't care.

I stay like that. And Sasuke lets me. And I recall a night from three years ago.

_By the time I noticed the drops of blood, they had already dried. So, when I went to the toilet to wash them off, it took me a good amount of time and effort. And while I was working on removing the stains, I realised something._

_That someday, if I ever fall in love, I mustn't lose my ability to think rationally. No matter how head over heels I am for the guy, I have to ensure that his personality is good enough._

_Because if I don't, then someday my daughter might have to sit in the toilet, removing stains of blood that has dropped to her feet from her nose that was broken by her father._

_Because while I wasn't exactly sad at that moment, I definitely didn't think it was something worth celebrating._

* * *

"Sasuke?" Sakura speaks softly while still holding onto me just as tightly.

"Hn."

"Please, don't… hurt me."

"I'm hurting you?"

I have no idea how. She's the one holding me. I'm barely standing here. Giving in to her embrace.

"That's not it," she says while continuing holding onto me. And I have no idea what she's trying to say.

"I'm not getting it."

"In the future… please don't hurt me," her voice is shaking. And I'm furious. Why is she asking me not to hurt her? Why'd she even entertain the idea that I might?

But before I can say anything, she removes her face from my chest and looks up at me. "I mean, of course you'll hurt me,"

_What on earth?_

"And I will hurt you as well,"

_Huh?_

"We are two different people, we have our own ways of thinking and they're not going to match all the time. And we'll inevitably hurt each other's feelings at times but that's not what I'm talking about."

She looks down, taking a few steps back in order to create some distance between us.

"I'm asking you to not hurt me physically. Please don't use violence against me. Please, don't abuse me," she literally begs me.

And I feel nauseous. Sakura is pledging me to not be violent with her. To not abuse her.

"Please, stop."

"NO," she screams. As she raises her face, I see tears streaming down her cheeks. And I know her well enough to know that these are because of pain.

"I _have to_ make it clear. And you _have to_ listen."

I stare at her. She's behaving like a frantic.

"You make me feel safe, Sasuke. When I'm with you, I can let my guards down. Because I trust that I don't need them. But the moment you raise your hand against me, the day you start abusing me, it'll be shattered. And you'll never be able to mend it."

I just stand there. Unable to say a single word.

"I've been abused for years. Physically, then emotionally. I don't want to live like that ever again. I'd rather be alone."

"What did they do?"

Sakura stares at me.

"You're talking about your parents, aren't you? What did they do?"

"Why do you care?"

Is she joking?

"How can I _not_ care?" I almost yell.

"Because it's all in the past. It's over."

"No it isn't. Because you're _still_ hurting."

Sakura stares at me. Her bright green eyes wide in surprise. Her cheeks have turned reddish. So has the tip of her nose. Tears are still running down her face. And she isn't making any effort to wipe them off.

Taking small steps, I approach her. I grab her shoulders. And I realise that she's shaking. I've always been exceptionally bad at dealing with people. But right now, I have to do something. I hold her firmly but as gently as I can. Because I don't want to frighten her any more than she already is. I want her to understand that I'm here. With her. For her.

"Sakura, look at me."

She complies. And I remove my hands from her shoulders and use them to cup her cheeks. Then, with my thumbs, I wipe the tears away. She just stares at me. But thankfully she stops crying. And she isn't shaking anymore. She has calmed down a little bit.

But I don't feel like it's enough. So I pull her closer to me and place a soft kiss on the top of her head. I look at her. I think I can finally see the panicked expression ebb away from her face.

I put my right hand under her chin to lift her face. And I kiss her. I can feel the salty taste of her tears on her lips. I don't try to deepen the kiss because right now, I don't want to invade. I just want her to accept me.

And she does. After a few seconds, she starts to kiss me back. Using both of my hands, I pull her as close to me as possible. She puts hers around my neck. I feel her getting on her tiptoes. I use my left hand to hold the back of her head in order to get a better angle. And with my right one, I press her as close to my body as possible.

When our mouths finally part, we're breathing heavily. But none of us breaks the eye contact. Then, Sakura speaks.

"I try not to be affected by it anymore. But I just can't help it."

At least her voice sounds stable now.

* * *

"Tell me about it," Sasuke says in his usual flat tone.

And I know I have to. Because he should know. Sooner or later.

"My parents used to hit me when I was a child."

"What for?"

"In order to discipline me."

Sasuke frowns.

"They wanted to make sure I listened to them. And I did. Because I was afraid of them. I remember being a four years old and my father was choking me with both of his hands because I had broken an expensive tea-cup. I don't know if he was really so angry that he wanted to kill me. But I remember being very scared. He was so much bigger, so much stronger. I couldn't move an inch. I thought I was going to die. I could see my mother standing behind him, not making a move to stop him. I remember feeling helpless and scared. Very scared. I couldn't even manage to say that I won't do it again."

Sasuke looks taken aback by my words.

"And if you go by their logic, it worked. Because as long as I stayed with them, I never broke a cup again."

"I remember being a six years old and being woken up by a sudden burning sense one morning. My mother had burned the calf of my leg with a steam iron because I wasn't getting up and was about to be late for school."

I see Sasuke flinch.

"And that too, worked. I was never late for school ever again. I'd listen to whatever they'd say regardless of how much I hated it. When I got older, they weren't hitting me anymore but they didn't have to. I had already lost any will to even try to disobey them. It was like how they used to train lions for circuses in the past. When I was older, I once tried to talk to my mother about it and she just said, _'You should be grateful. We did that for your sake. It's thanks to our disciplining that you didn't turn out to be a spoilt brat.'_ I was dumbfounded."

Sasuke does not say anything. But I know he is listening to me. Everything I am telling him.

"These memories are traumatic and just like you said, they still hurt me the same. Because when I look back at them, I do not appear there as a nineteen years old. I do not _see_ a four years old child being disciplined violently and feel sorry for her. In those scenes, I _am_ that four years old girl. Still as helpless and powerless in front of my father as I was on that day fifteen years ago. I know that I am safe now. He cannot hurt me anymore. But having this knowledge does not help at all. And that is something people fail to understand. They are like, _'It's all in the past now. You should let it go.'_ As if I am holding onto it because I want to. "

I take a deep breath and sit down on the couch. I take a sip of water from the bottle Sasuke brought from the kitchen earlier.

"They wanted me to become a lawyer. I once asked my father, _'Why do I have to become a lawyer?'_

He replied, _'Because I want you to.'_

That was how it was. They'd fuss over me when I did well in my studies. And when I failed to do well, they'd lock me in my room. I wouldn't be allowed to do anything for fun.

Actually, it wasn't just studies, they wanted me to be the best in everything I did. I used to attend drawing classes when I was young. And if I did poorly there, they'd punish me the same.

My father would remind me just how worthless I was. And how I was wasting his hard earned money. My mother would cry, saying how miserable her life was because of me.

She'd say things like, _'If you don't want me to commit suicide, then you better do well next time.'_

They'd buy me expensive things and say things like, _'We bought you this and that, and still, you are not doing what we are asking you to do. Just how ungrateful can you be?'_

I wasn't allowed to go out and make friends because that'd divert my attention from my studies.

They'd tell me stories of how they weren't so well-off when they had me and how much they had to struggle in order to raise me. They'd tell me that I should listen to everything they say in order to repay them for their kindness, for everything they did for me.

And the thing is, it never even occurred to me that I was being abused. I thought it was _my_ fault. I thought they were right. That I wasn't good enough for them. That they deserved much better.

I thought it was wrong of me to want to go out and make friends and hang out with them. I thought I should be happy at home with all the expensive things they bought me.

I thought it was wrong of me to not want to become a lawyer. I told myself that I should stop wondering about whether there was something else that I could do. Something that would make me happy.

But I was getting tired. I used to feel lonely all the time. I had a so called 'family' but I could not talk to them about my inner conflicts. Because I knew how they'd react. They'd blame me, get mad at me and maybe put some more restrictions on me.

I started to focus more on my appearance. I started buying lots of make-up. I became obsessed with losing weight to the point that I was diagnosed with anorexia. But I didn't have the will to recover. I didn't want to get 'fat' and 'ugly'.

Then, about three years ago, one night, I heard my parents fight. They'd do that often. And I hated it. I tried to stop them. But as I got between them, my father yelled 'You stay out of this; it's none of your business,' and punched me hard on the face. My head spun and I fell-

Wait a minute!"

Sasuke looks startled.

"Do you smell something burning?"

Damn it! My sauce! My precious sauce!

I rush to the kitchen leaving a very confused Sasuke in the sitting room.


	13. Abrupt

"How bad is it?" Sasuke asks as he appears in the kitchen.

"I guess this is one of those instances when I should be allowed to say _'couldn't be worse.'_ "

"Ah," Sasuke glances from behind my back at the dark object that once aspired to become marinara sauce.

"What were you making anyway?"

"Spaghetti and meatballs."

"Good thing you hadn't added the meatballs yet."

"That indeed is true."

"Where's the spaghetti?"

"I was supposed to cook it later. After adding the meatballs to the sauce."

"I see."

"But I'm doomed now. I used up all the tomato passata I had. So I have to go out again and buy another jar," I can't keep the frustration from becoming very evident in my tone.

Sasuke stares at me for a while and then speaks.

"Forget about it."

"What?"

"The spaghetti, don't make it?"

"Could you kindly elaborate a little bit?" I frown.

"You haven't cooked the spaghetti, you've only made the meatballs. Keep them in the fridge. You don't need to cook tonight."

"What are we going to eat for dinner then? Order takeaway?"

"How about going out to eat?"

"Eh? You're saying that we could go out for dinner?"

"You don't want to?"

"No! No! That's not it," leave it to Sasuke to come to absurd conclusions. "It's just a little… how do I put it… _unexpected_ I guess."

Sasuke keeps looking at me. Without saying anything.

"Okay. I'll get ready then. It's late already."

"Hn."

* * *

"Whoaaa! That's a Super Duke R!" Sakura jumps, pointing towards my motorcycle.

"You can tell?"

"I have a thing for KTM," she smirks, "I don't know why. I myself can't even ride a bicycle."

I don't say anything. Just keep watching her. She's wearing a faded denim and a loose pink t-shirt. Her hair is tied in a ponytail. And I suddenly realise that she always dresses up in casuals.

"What are you looking at?"

"You."

"Eh?"

She immediately looks very flustered. And her cheeks take a pink tinge. Although it wasn't at all my intention, I really enjoy seeing her like this.

"Let's go. We'll be late."

"Yeah. Where are we going by the way? You're taking your motorcycle. Are we going somewhere far?"

"Kind of. It's a place I like," I say as I give her the helmet I borrowed from Naruto just a while ago.

"I see. Let's go, then," she smiles.

.

.

.

"Hey, this place is kind of costly," Sakura peeks from behind the menu she's holding with both her hands, "There's nothing I feel like ordering."

"Huh?" I raise an eyebrow.

"I mean, it's not that I can't afford at all, but then I'll have to manage somewhere else," she shakes her head a little, looking seriously troubled.

"Why'd you pay?"

"Huh?" She frowns.

"I'll be paying, of course."

"Why?"

But before I can answer, she speaks again. "I hope you have a reason that's better than _'because I am the guy'_ "

I keep staring at her for a while. Because I thought it was obvious that I'd be paying and exactly because _'I am the guy'._ But now, I'm at a loss for words.

"That indeed was your reason, wasn't it?"

I nod.

"Not happening."

I keep silent for a while. Trying to concoct an excuse that will convince her.

"It's my treat tonight."

"What for?"

"For letting me stay with you. How about that?"

She thinks about it for a while. Then says, "I approve," with a bright smile.

.

.

.

"So, you really don't want me to pay for you?" I ask after the waiter takes our order.

"No."

A simple _no_. She doesn't even feel like she needs to explain.

"I thought girls like it when the guy pays."

"Of course there are girls who prefer it that way. And I have nothing against them. But I, personally don't like it. I want to pay for myself. You see, I'm a proud person."

I frown.

"I knew it when I decided to live on my own. There'd be things that I'd want and I'd not be able to afford. And I chose it that way."

I continue staring at her while our food arrives.

"Mmm… It's really delicious!" she says as she takes the first bite of her seafood linguine. "I'm gonna try your recommendations more often from now on."

I look at her and give a slight nod of approval before starting to eat mine. We eat in silence for a while before Sakura decides to speak again.

"I don't want to be treated like a _lady_. I'm far from a posh, sophisticated person. I'm very crude. Fighting tooth and nail just to survive. So, things like holding the door or pulling the chair, don't even bother doing those for me. If I'm in a relationship, all I want is to feel like an equal. I'm completely fine as long as you respect my views and don't break my nose," she giggles.

"How can you laugh about something like that?"

"Well, I tried crying about it. Didn't help."

I frown, not knowing exactly what to say.

"Come on, it's not _that_ bad."

"Are you serious?"

"Absolutely. It has already happened. It's not like I can turn back time and stop that from happening," she stops for a while. As if, she's thinking hard about something. "And actually, even if I _could_ turn back time, I don't think I'd change it. Nothing else has ever made me grow so much."

"Grow?"

"Yup. Grow," she says and takes a sip of her water.

"I'm not sure I'm following." I'm absolutely sure I'm _not_. I put down my fork and place my hands on the table, looking straight into her eyes.

"Well, first of all, it was the doctor. I was telling him about how I had heard a cracking sound when I tried to push the broken bone back in its place and he almost jumped, startling me.

_"Let me stop you right there, you did what?"_

He shouted and I was so nervous. I thought I had done something I shouldn't have. So I barely managed to speak, _"I tried to push the bone back-"_

 _"Shake hands with me first,"_ he shot out of his chair, extending his right hand towards me.

I was so confused. I don't think I've ever been so confused in my entire life. It took me a while to take his hand.

 _"You don't have a single thing to worry about. With that attitude, you'll go far ahead in life,"_ he said to me and I was so surprised.

No-one had ever said anything like that to me. And I couldn't think of any reason why anyone would. I had always lacked confidence, I was always being told that I was hopeless on my own. I really _believed_ that I was no good. And there he was. A renowned doctor, telling me that I, of all people was capable of doing something. I almost thought he was crazy." She stops and then smiles suddenly, "He was really nice. He even gave me a chocolate," Sakura sticks her tongue out.

"The nose couldn't be fixed immediately because of the swelling. It was horrible. And the area around my eyes turned black. I swear I looked exactly like a panda," she laughs.

And it irritates me.

"How bad was the pain?"

"Huh? About that…" she tries to remember, "It wasn't too bad in general. But it'd hurt a lot if I tilted my head down. The pain would reach my forehead and yeah, it was really bad. I was given a pain killer but I didn't take it. I didn't think it was unbearable."

"Didn't you go to the police?"

"Oh, I wanted to. In fact, it was the first thing I wanted to do when I realised that he had literally broken my nose. But my mother stopped me. She told me that _I_ was the one at fault for trying to meddle between them. And that I should keep my mouth shut and be grateful enough that I'd have my nose fixed."

"And it didn't infuriate you?"

"After living with her for sixteen years, not really. I mean, if you have a cow and you expect it to fly, then _you_ are the stupid one," she smiles.

"I didn't really care much about him. It was all about me. I'd look at my horrible face in the mirror. And then all of a sudden, I realised that not a single thing had changed about me. Inside, I was still the same person; just with a ridiculous looking face. And that was when it occurred to me.

Why it was starting to feel so empty when everyone called me pretty. Because I realised what I was. A pathetic, spineless, coward with a pretty exterior. That exterior was all people saw, and they admired it. But I was the only one who knew that deep inside, I was this broken and tired girl who was struggling every day. I was a mess and my appearance was just a way to cover it all up. It was my perfect disguise." Sakura looks up at me and gives a sad smile.

"I wasn't who the doctor thought I was. I wasn't the brave girl he made me out to be. One who sees something wrong with her and instead of crying about it, does whatever she can in order to fix it and moves ahead, not looking back. But you know, I really was that girl for that one moment. When I first saw my broken nose in the mirror. I really didn't feel like crying. I didn't think _'Oh goodness, now with my broken nose, no-one's going to call me pretty anymore.'_ I guess when something really horrible befalls you, all you can care about is how you can possibly overcome it. You can't care about fake images and things like that."

She stops to take another sip of her water.

And I take a bite of my linguine which, as expected, has turned completely cold.

"When I went to the doctor a week later, to have my nose fixed, he said to me, _"This process isn't this hassle free, but with you, it was easy. Because you're exceptionally co-operative."_ I don't know if those words were just lip service, but even if they were, they lifted up my spirit.

Then, he asked me, _"What do you want to be in the future?"_

If someone had asked me the same question just ten days ago, I'd have promptly answered 'a lawyer' but at that time, I couldn't answer him. Instead, I told him that I had't figured it out yet. And he said, _"Don't worry, you'll find something you want to do, you'll find a dream and when you do, follow it."_

 _"What if it's not the right dream?"_ I couldn't help asking him.

 _"There's no right or wrong when it comes to dreams. As long as you're not causing real harm to anyone, it's alright."_ He said with a gentle smile and at that moment I really wanted to go and hug him. Of course, I didn't. But when I went back home, I started to think about his words. I wanted to find something _I_ would enjoy doing. Something that'd give me a purpose so that I'd be able to get rid of this empty feeling inside me." She gives a soft smile.

"One day, I saw some drawings and I felt like drawing again. I had given it up years ago. So I was sure I won't be able to draw anymore. But I decided to try.

I tore a page from a notepad and with the only pencil that I had, I started to draw. It was a favourite scene from a book I was reading back then. And it was so much fun. It wasn't perfect but it was fun. I had never known that drawing could make me so happy.

From then onwards, I'd draw regularly. I bought a sketch book and a good pencil and a rubber because I didn't have any. And I'd draw. Relentlessly. I'd look forward to it. I'd wake up every morning feeling excited and I'd go to bed every night feeling satisfied. I felt so _alive_. Then, after a while, it occurred to me. That perhaps, I had finally found the answer to my questions. I had finally found what I was looking for. And I knew my parents wouldn't approve. I knew they'd be furious. But I no longer cared. I was afraid of them, of course I was. But the idea of having to live while doing something other than drawing was even more fearful. So, I was determined. I realised that if I wanted to go down this path, I'd have to do it alone. And it'd be difficult. But I didn't care. By the way, have you watched Titanic?"

Her sudden question takes me off-guard. And for the answer, I ponder upon whether falling asleep when the film has just started and waking up when the ship is breaking into two pieces counts as 'watching' the film.

"I got it," Sakura chuckles, "Whatever, there's a scene when Rose, the heroine, is trying to save Jack, the hero and a person called Mr. Andrews finds her. Being a nice man, he tells her that she should save herself since the ship is already sinking and her own life might be in danger. And she says _'I'm doing this with or without your help, Sir. Without, it'll only take longer.'_ That is my favourite line ever. Like she knows what she wants to do. And she will do it regardless of whether someone helps her or not. That determination, there was something to it that really inspired me. And it was my time to follow her footsteps. I'd found my dream and I was going to go for it."

Sakura smiles and takes a bite of her food.

"It was at that time that I felt like I wanted to recover. I had a battle to fight. And being sick wasn't going to help me with it. So, I started to try to eat again. It was around that time, that I started hanging out with Ino. She was the only classmate who had cared enough to ask me why I had been absent for so long. She offered to help me with the classes I had missed."

She smiles softly before concentrating on her food once again.

I do the same since I can't come up with anything to say. We eat like that for a while before I remember something.

"I have something to tell you."

"What is it?" Sakura puts down her fork and raises her eyebrows slightly.

"I… That day I stayed for lunch… I mean the day I chopped the vegetables,"

"I understood," she chuckles, "Go on."

"Your mother visited," I say while sitting straight and maintaining eye contact with her. "You were in the shower."

"Aaaah! It was you?" Okay. That clearly isn't the response I was expecting.

"You knew?"

"Yeah. In fact, I came to know about it just today."

"How?"

How can she know about it? Did her mother contact her? But if that had been the case, I doubt she'd be this casual about it.

"Professor Senju told me."

Hold on. Professor Senju? Does that mean Senju Tsunade? The Head of the Department of Arts? How on earth does she know about it?

"Your expression is ridiculous," Sakura laughs. "The flat I live in, belongs to her. In fact, the whole building and several other buildings in the neighbourhood belongs to her. After all, she's the sole heir to Senju Hashirama, the founder of our college. Whatever, the point is, she's technically my landlady and my mother had contacted her last week asking if she knew where I moved."

I simply stare at her.

"Why did you do it? You didn't know about my issues with my family back then."

"I guessed."

"How?" she frowns.

"That night… when you were crying in front of your door, when Ino came, you told her that you had met your mother. You said she had _found_ you. As if you didn't want to be found."

"I didn't."

She hangs her head.

"I know I had no right to do that. Back then, we were merely friends. But… I didn't want to see you get hurt like that again. Especially when I was right there."

And she looks up at me. Looking very shocked.

* * *

I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. Should I be mad at him for trying to interfere with my personal life? Or should I feel happy that he was being so considerate of me?

"I did it solely because I thought you weren't ready to confront her yet."

I frown. I think I get what he's saying.

"And when I _am_ ready?"

"You can go give her a piece of your mind."

"And what will _you_ be doing?"

Sasuke narrows his eyes a little. Then with a smirk, says, "Guess I could accompany you to watch the show."

I laugh. Loudly. And Sasuke almost does.

That's right. I almost forgot. Feelings are just feelings. There's no right or wrong. You feel the way you feel. It's as simple as that. And if I'm to be honest, I feel happy that Sasuke cares so much about me. But he also respects me enough to let me handle my own problems. For me, that much is enough.

"Whoa! If it isn't Sasuke!"

Someone says from behind me. I see Sasuke lift his face to see the speaker. By then, said person has already come forward to stand by my chair. So I too, look up out of curiosity.

It's a girl. She'd be around our age. The most striking aspect of her appearance is her bright crimson hair. It's almost too bright. And she's also wearing glasses.

Before I can observe her further, she speaks again, "Come on, Sasuke, don't tell me you've forgotten me."

I look at Sasuke.

"Of course not," he says in a lazy tone.

"I feel very honoured," the girl says in a mocking tone, making Sasuke frown.

"I see you have company," she says and looks down at me. "Hi, I am called Karin," she gives me an energetic smile.

"Sakura," I return her smile.

"Oh! Goes with your hair!" she says in a loud voice which I have started to realise is her normal speaking voice.

"I guess."

"So, you found yourself a girlfriend, huh?" she looks back at Sasuke, "Turns out you really aren't gay."

"Where'd that come from?" Sasuke sounds irritated.

"You have always been exceptionally immune to the attention of the fairer sex. I still remember the day you turned me down. Didn't even bat an eyelid."

Now, it's my turn to be surprised. I look at Sasuke. He doesn't say anything. And his face is as stoic as ever.

"Whatever, I just came to make sure it really was you. Enjoy your date. I have no wishes of being a fifth wheel," she starts to leave, but then pauses and turns my way. With another bright smile, she says, "Nice to meet you, Sakura."

"Nice to meet you too, Karin."

And then, she's gone just as abruptly as she had appeared.

"You rejected her?" I ask Sasuke.

"Hn," he grunts before turning his focus back to his food.

"And I guess she was speaking the truth. You didn't consider her feelings while turning her down. Did you?"

"Why do I have to?"

"Because she _loved_ you?" I give him a smirk and pick up the glass, taking a sip of the water.

"She just wanted to get into my pants."

And I immediately choke on the water. I put the glass down, coughing terribly. Sasuke gets up from his chair, ready to help me.

"How do you know her?" I ask after a while.

"She's my neighbour."

"I see."

.

.

.

After changing into my shorts and vest top, I lie down on the bed, throwing my arms and legs as far as I can. I keep lying there for a while before Sasuke enters. Then, I sit up.

He's wearing a black tracksuit bottom and a really loose, deep blue V-neck t-shirt. Realising I'm looking at him, he speaks, "What?"

"Do you want to watch a film?"

* * *

I contemplate the idea for a while.

"Don't you have work?"

"I don't feel like working tonight. I'm too happy for that."

What is that supposed to mean? I frown.

"Tonight was like a date. Don't you think?"

A date? Let me think.

That's right. I have no idea.

"I… don't know. I've never been on one."

"Me neither," she giggles.

"But this is a very typical date night routine, you know. Going for dinner, then going to the cinema."

I don't say anything.

"Ours wasn't a date night in the proper sense, but still."

"You wanted to go to the cinema?"

If she did, she could've just told me.

"What? No," she laughs, "I don't go to cinemas. It's just that… you know, after going out for dinner, I'm feeling a little… you know…" she looks down at her hands.

"What do you want to watch?"

She looks up. Her face lighting up immediately.

"What type of films do you like?"

That's a good question. I don't watch films much. So, I have to think a while before I can come up with an answer.

"Do you like thriller?"

"Hn."

"Then, there's a film I've been intending to watch for a while."

"Let's watch it then."

"You're so sweet, Sasuke," Sakura grins happily, "I love you."

I raise an eyebrow. She jumps out of the bed to fetch her laptop.

"What is the name of the film?" I ask, sitting beside her on her bed.

"Museum."

"Museum?"

"Yes."

I've never heard of it. But I don't really keep myself up-to-date with these things. So, I guess that's the case.

"It's a Japanese film."

Huh? I look at her. Japanese film?

"Why do you have an expression like you just got hit by a lorry?"

"I don't know Japanese."

"Neither do I. That's the purpose of adding subtitles."

Okay. This is a serious question. How can people watch a film and read the subtitles at the same time?

"If you have trouble reading the subtitles, just pause the film. I doubt that'd be necessary though."

Guess I shouldn't complain anymore.

.

.

.

The film has a kind of gloomy feeling and is really gory. I didn't assume Sakura to be fond of these type of things. But the film indeed is interesting. It's about a detective who's after a serial killer who wears a frog suit and kills people on rainy days. And I find out that reading subtitles isn't as difficult a task as I assumed it to be.

.

.

.

"So, did you like it?" Sakura asks after the film ends.

"Ah."

"Just 'ah'?" she raises an eyebrow. Then rolls on her back. "I really enjoyed it."

"Hn."

"But you know what?"

I raise an eyebrow.

"I've been wondering about this since I watched The Silence of the Lambs. I mean, I get that you're the main protagonist, but do you really have to enter the house of a psycho serial killer by yourself? Films really follow some weird _not so logical_ logic."

That is a good point. But I haven't watched The Silence of the Lambs. So, I don't know.

"And that ending was damn creepy."

"Hn."

"But actually, the entire film was goddamn creepy. Now, I have to go check if I locked the door properly."

She makes a move to get up from the bed.

"Don't be silly."

"Eh? Silly?"

"You locked the door. I saw you."

"But it doesn't hurt to check once. Didn't you see how he entered the flat even when the door was locked?"

"Seriously?" I frown, "That's a film. And besides, he entered while the door was locked. If he really wants to get inside your flat, the lock isn't going to stop him," I smirk.

"Are you trying to scare me?" she rolls her eyes while still lying on her back.

"No. I'm just trying to break your illusion of fake security."

"Don't act smart."

"I'm not trying to. And besides, you don't have to worry. I'm here," I say with a smug grin.

"Huh? So, you're my knight in shining armour? My Prince Charming?" Sakura says in a mocking tone.

"Are you trying to flirt with me?"

"What if I am?" she challenges me.

* * *

As soon as I finish my words, I find Sasuke on top of me. His knees straddling my hips, his arms supporting his body weight. It takes me totally out of guard.

"That's a risky game, Sakura," he says with a devilish smirk. And it sends goosebumps all over my body.

How did it turn out this way? I admit I was flirting with him. But this isn't at all the outcome I was expecting.

"Are you scared?" Sasuke asks.

And I realise that maybe I am.

"A little bit," I answer honestly.

"Of me?" his tone is serious.

Am I? Why'd I be afraid of him? I myself have been getting improper thoughts about him for a while. I've been stealing glances at his lean, hard, muscular body. So, why am I afraid?

"I'm not scared of you. I've… never… done this before," I feel my entire face getting hot.

"Done _what_ before?" Sasuke teases.

"You bastard!" I push his chest with both my palms but it has no effects on him. He's way too strong for me.

Too strong. Too strong. So much stronger. What if he punched me on the face like my father did? I bet it'd do much more damage.

I look him in the eye. I love him. Yes I do. I don't doubt that. But, he's just too strong for me. I won't stand a chance. He could literally throw me away and I won't be able to lay a finger on him.

I love him. But can I really trust him? Can I be sure that he won't use his strength against me? Can I really feel equal in my relationship with him? Should I let it happen?

This is one of the main reasons I was afraid of getting into a relationship. I'm afraid of guys. I'm not afraid of Shikamaru or Sai. And that's not just because they're my friends and I know them well. It's also because I don't give them the opportunity. They're friends. Very good friends. And sometimes I do feel like a horrible person for having my guards up like this. But it's become a part of my existence. I can't throw it away so easily.

But with Sasuke, I have to. The relationship that we share, it requires me to allow him what I don't allow anyone else. It means giving him the power, and trusting that he won't use it against me. Is it really okay to do that? Am I making a mistake? Am I doing exactly what I said I wouldn't? Losing my mind because I'm hopelessly head over heels for someone?

"Sakura?" Sasuke asks. His voice concerned.

I look at him.

"Can I kiss you?"

Why is he asking for permission? He has kissed me before. Several times.

But he doesn't make a move. He's simply looking at me, hoping for an answer.

"Yes." And he leans upon me and gently touches my lips with his. It's a slow kiss. And it feels like he is trying to convey his feelings through the kiss. I'm just about to kiss him back when he removes his lips.

I don't get the time to be surprised before feeling his soft lips on the bridge of my nose. He keeps placing soft kisses on my nose.

And I don't understand _why_. I mean, I get that he went form my lips to my nose. But why doesn't he move somewhere else on my face. How long is he going to kiss my nose?

And suddenly it occurs to me. Immediately, I feel my eyes fill up with tears.

I guess Sasuke notices that as well. For he stops kissing and looks at me. The tears that had gathered in my eyes finally overflow. I cry silently. And he watches me cry. Silently. In the faint light of my little, messy bedroom.

"Does it hurt?" he asks softly. As if in a whisper.

I shake my head. Unable to speak.

"I see."

"It's… been three years… it doesn't hurt anymore," I finally manage to say.

"That's good," he leans down to kiss my nose once more and then says, "You might come up with a thousand reasons to mark it as a _good_ incident. But to me, it'll always be a horrible one. No matter how much you have grown from it."

And I know it.

How?

I wish I knew.

But I know. I have this feeling inside my gut that tells me it's okay. That I can show him my vulnerabilities. Because he won't take advantage of them.

So, this time, I pull him into a kiss. Of course not on the nose. I lock our lips. My fingers getting lost in his smooth, soft, shiny black hair. I feel his right hand tug at my ponytail. Holding my face in place.

I don't remember when his lips left mine and started discovering other places of my body. I was too busy to notice or even care about the details. I just remember getting hot. Really really hot. All over my body. And a feeling, a totally foreign one. But a really great one. I don't even know if it's real. It might be all in my head. But I'm too occupied to care.

"We have to stop," Sasuke speaks suddenly. And his voice almost startles me. It sounds so raspy. I watch him closely. His hair is a total mess which I guess is thanks to me. He's leaning on top of me, breathing heavily.

I don't want to stop. I might not have done this before but I understand very well where this is going. And I don't want to stop.

"Don't pout. You're making me lose control."

"Why do you have to control?" my voice sounds rough to.

"Because I don't have a condom."

What?

I swear I would've jumped if only he wasn't holding me down.

"What are you talking about? You perverted bastard?"

"So, you're telling me that _I_ am the only one with perverted thoughts at the moment?"

Oh goodness! When did he learn to speak so well? I guess he was bad at that?

"You've been caught, My Lady," he smirks.

I don't know how to react. I want this, but I'm too embarrassed to admit that. I think hiding my face would suffice for now but I don't see any opportunity of doing that at the moment.

"It seems like you really want to stop. And as much as I regret it, I respect your wishes."

That _has to be_ the fastest example of evolution in the history of mankind. From speaking awkward, weird monosyllabic sounds to becoming a smooth talker.

But I have a bigger issue to worry about.

"There's a condom machine outside the chemist's on the main road," I hide my face with my palms.

"Hn? Aren't you so well-informed about it?" I can almost hear him smirk.

"I know… because of Ino and Sai."

Oh can I just disappear into thin air? But I don't really want to. I know this is too abrupt. We didn't plan it or anything. But I don't care. I just want us to have the condom and… continue.

"Got it," Sasuke says, "I'll be back in fifteen minutes."

With that, he is gone in the blink of an eye. And I'm left alone in my bedroom; listening to the loud beating of my frantic heart.


	14. Perfect

"Are you sure about this?"

Sasuke asks, sounding really serious.

"Of course. I'm the one who told you about the condom machine."

"I know. But I want you to be absolutely sure. I don't want it to be something done on the spur of the moment. Something you'd regret later."

"I want it, Sasuke. I know it's kind of hasty but I want it. I'm totally sure. I'll never regret it."

Sex to me has always meant the ultimate stage of intimacy. I can't go around having casual sex with just anybody. In fact, I kind of admire those who can do it. Treating sex as something purely physical and keeping their emotions safely out of it. But I myself don't have that type of mental strength.

And the thing is that I've never felt like I was missing anything because of that. I've never really felt the _need_ to be physically intimate with anyone.

But something changed when I met Sasuke. And right now, all I want is to feel him. As intimately as I can.

Sasuke scans my expressions with such an intensity that it gives me goosebumps. Almost making me go weak. Then, he leans forward to kiss me. And it's totally different from all those kisses we've shared before. It's wild. It's more demanding and desperate. It's that type of a kiss that tells you it's just the beginning. It's that type of a kiss that makes you tremble out of anticipation of what comes next. It's a whole new dimension.

"I'm just as inexperienced as you," Sasuke speaks in a low, husky voice; taking a temporary break from ravishing my lips, "So, the moment you start feeling uncomfortable, let me know. Alright?"

I nod. Swallowing hard.

Yes. It's happening. And damn it; I'm nervous. But there's no turning back now. I'm doing it tonight.

"Good girl," Sasuke says and gives a half-smile that makes me feel a strange sensation inside my stomach. Then with his right hand, he grasps the band holding my hair in the ponytail and slowly, almost teasingly, pulls it away. Letting the strands fall freely upon my neck and shoulders. He runs his fingers through those loose tresses while scrutinising me, carnal desire evident in his dark gaze. Then slowly and gently, he pushes my shoulders, making me lie down on my back and getting on top of me in the process. Never breaking our eye contact throughout the entire time.

I can feel the weight of his muscular body on myself. Once again reminding me how strong he is. But it doesn't scare me. Not anymore. His hands are pinning my wrists to the mattress, restricting their movements. But it doesn't make me feel uncomfortable at all. If anything, right now, all of it just excites me. Just ignites me.

He keeps looking at me like he's trying to read and analyse every small gesture I'm making. None of us has spoken in a while. It's just our eyes boring into each other. The only sounds I can hear is the exceptionally loud thumps of our hearts. And of course our heavy breathes.

I feel my lips go dry. So I stick my tongue out, intending to moisten them up. And I see a glint in Sasuke's eyes.

"Sa-suke?"

"Hn?"

"I trust you," I try to give him an assuring smile.

He furrows his brows just a little bit. Then says, "Thank you."

And suddenly, without any prior indication, his lips pounce on mine. And I give myself the permission to get lost in this totally new and absolutely relishing sensation.

I want more. More what, I don't have any idea. All I know is that I want, no, I _need_ more.

* * *

This feeling, it's completely foreign. The wetness, the warmth, the softness, the tightness; all of it. And although I've never done this before, it feels insanely natural. It feels like this is where I belong. Like I just discovered something. Something I didn't even know I was looking for.

I take the time to study Sakura. She looks ethereal. Her perfect lissome form, sitting on top of me, adorned here and there with patches of pink that go exceptionally well with her locks. She looks breathtaking.

And this breathtaking, otherworldly woman is letting _me_ inside her. Into her most intimate depths. Something she has never allowed anyone else. Not a single person. And I've never felt so special in my entire life.

And so proud.

I can see her chest rise and fall due to the heavy breaths. Her parted lips. Her closed eyes. And her twisted face. All of it because of the pleasure she is feeling. And _I_ am the reason behind that pleasure.

When I ask her to open her eyes, she complies. And I don't think I've ever known anything more intimate than this. More _beautiful_ than this.

I feel her inner muscles contract around me, and she cries out. It almost makes me go insane. Because it's a testament that she's enjoying this. That she's having a great time. Because of _me_.

I want to make it last. If possible, then for an eternity. But it'll be really difficult on my part. I can already feel that. However, I've made it a point to make her reach her peak. I've always loved challenges. And I absolutely hate losing. So, I decide to use my hands. Luckily I figured out exactly how to use them to turn her into a moaning and writhing and whimpering mess just a while ago.

When her body finally starts convulsing, I feel a sense of accomplishment. It starts from her inner thighs and then spreads throughout her entire form. And as she reaches her climax, as if to boost my ego, she screams-

"Sasuke-"

And I've never heard anything more beautiful than this. I want to listen to it. Again and again. Forever.

Then I finally allow myself to have the release I was dying for this entire time. And I follow her example, calling out her name in my state of extreme euphoria.

It would've been better if we could go over the edge together. But it's only our first time. Not just with each other. I'm proud that I made her reach her ecstasy.

I feel like a man.

And then…

She starts crying.

And immediately all my pride runs out of the window.

What?

Where did I go wrong?

"Sakura? Where does it hurt? Why didn't you stop me?" I ask, panicking like a little child who got separated from his mother inside a crowded place.

Was I that bad? I was so sure she was enjoying it!

Damn it!

And then, suddenly, she starts tittering.

What on earth!?

"I'm alright, Sasuke. You didn't hurt me at all," she smiles, lifting just her face. The rest of her body is still pressed against mine because she's too exhausted to move yet.

"Then… why are you crying?" I'm really confused.

"I… don't know. I guess I'm just too happy. I'm getting emotional," she giggles and moves to place a kiss on my lips.

This time, it's sweet and gentle. The desperation gone.

She stares at me for a while. Her big, bright, green eyes shining. Finally, she places her head on my chest and decides to just lie there. Listening to of my heart beat. Then, very gently, she whispers, "Sasuke?"

"Hn?"

"I love you."

In response, I wrap my left arm around her small body, pressing her naked form tightly against mine. And I stay like that. Breathing in the scent of her hair that resembles the colour of her namesake.

Deep inside my heart, I feel something new taking form. A sense of possession and responsibility. Like I made Sakura mine. Like now that she belongs to me, I have to make sure I take proper care of her.

We are sweaty, and sticky and kind of smelly. Normally, when I find myself in similar conditions after spending long hours on court, I can't relax until I have a shower. But right now, I'm feeling great. I'm feeling like I could stay like this for ever. Like this is the best feeling of my life.

* * *

Opening my eyes to find Sasuke next to me isn't exactly a _new_ thing, but neither is it something I've become accustomed to. And especially in a situation like this.

Where none of us is wearing any clothes. Where I'm nuzzled up against his hard chest. Where one of his strong arms is wrapped around my waist.

I look at him and scenes from last night start flooding my memory. And I feel my cheeks getting warm.

I carefully remove Sasuke's arm from me. Intending to leave the bed without waking him up. I have classes from 9. I don't want to be late.

The point is, how am I supposed to walk now? Now that I've had sex, there's a weird sensation. Like a vacuum has been created inside me. Like it would be comfortable if I could just seal it up with a cork or something.

Putting on my top, I carefully take my first post-losing-my-virginity step.

And surprisingly, it doesn't feel any different from before.

Good!

I take another step.

Huh. It's fine. Nothing's different. And I was kind of nervous because I had heard tales of how painful it is to walk after your first time. And even yesterday when we did it, it didn't hurt at all. Maybe it's because Sasuke was really attentive.

Whatever. I'm really happy. But time to face reality; I badly need a shower.

As I watch myself in the mirror, I find a reddish mark on my skin just under my collarbone. It makes me blush once again. Sasuke has left his mark on me. As if, making it a point that I am his.

What is wrong with me? I'm a strong, independent woman. I'm not anyone's. I belong to myself and myself only. Then why am I getting this fluttering feeling inside my stomach?

.

.

.

When I come out, I find Sasuke in the kitchen. Drinking a glass of water. He hasn't noticed my presence yet. For his back is turned towards me.

"Good morning," I greet him. As he turns, I feel a little embarrassed to meet his eyes. After all, he has seen me naked last night. Well, in fact, he has done much more than just _seeing_ me. Hasn't he?

"Morning," he says and there's something in his voice that makes my sense of embarrassment go away immediately. Instead, I feel a warmth, a sense of intimacy and belonging. Like suddenly, our relationship has reached a depth that I didn't even know existed.

After Sasuke has his shower, we make breakfast together. Well, I am the one who does most of the work. Sasuke isn't too much of a help in the kitchen. But what matters to me is the gestures. The fact that he _offers_ to help. Even though all he can do is boil the water or take the milk out of the fridge.

"I'm going back to college today."

"Eh?" it takes me a while to process the information. "Oh. I see. Yeah. That's good. You've been absent for a while now."

"Hn," he says. He takes a spoonful of his muesli and keeps chewing it in a way that clearly indicates he's trying to say something but is hesitating.

"What is it, Sasuke?"

"Hn?" he lifts his face, not getting my question.

"What are you thinking about?"

He stares at me for a while before finally saying, "Can I come back here?"

"Huh?"

"After college."

"You mean instead of going back to your dorm room?"

"Ah."

"Well, of course you can. You can come here whenever you want, Sasuke. You know what? Just wait a minute."

.

.

.

"What is this?" Sasuke asks, examining the key that I just dropped on his palm.

"A spare key. I had two. Ino has one and now you have the last one. So you can come in here anytime you want."

Sasuke stares at me for a while before asking, "Is that alright?"

"I think so. Why? Are you going to steal things when I'm not around?" I tease him.

He just frowns.

Then we go back to eating again.

.

.

.

"Are you alright?"

"Why'd I not be alright?" I don't understand the point of his sudden question.

"You're not sore, are you?" he asks with his typical stoic expression.

It takes me a while to understand what he is talking about. And I feel heat rushing to my face.

"No, no."

"Not uncomfortable at all?"

"No, Sasuke. I'm perfectly fine," I almost yell at him.

"Why are you so embarrassed?"

What?

"Well, excuse me for getting embarrassed. It's not every day that I eat breakfast with a guy after sleeping with him."

"You look adorable when you get embarrassed," Sasuke chuckles.

Did he just call me adorable? And… did he just chuckle like that?

.

.

.

As we head towards the campus together, I can feel people gawking. I get it. The news of Sasuke's sudden disappearance is no longer a secret. Well, in fact, I doubt it ever was. So, now that he has stepped inside the campus once again, people are going to stare.

And…

He is with _me_.

I mean, yeah, we're not holding hands or even talking at the moment. We're not doing anything that announces _'Yes, we're totally a couple who even slept together last night'_ but we're not trying to pretend like we don't know each other by maintaining half-a-mile distance between us. So, anyone with a brain can tell that we're together. And the only person Sasuke has ever been seen together with at the campus is Naruto. So, yeah. The stares are expected.

.

.

.

Since I'm busy with my work, I didn't go to the cafeteria today. So, as is the norm for days like this, Ino comes to me with our foods.

"I heard Sasuke returned to college?" she asks, taking a bite of her tuna and mayo sandwich.

"Yup," I reply while trying to figure out whether I need to add a little more yellow to the canvas.

"Eat. Your food is getting cold."

"It's just a sandwich, Ino."

"Just eat," she shoves the sandwich into my right hand.

So, I take a bite.

"I swear, my sandwiches taste much better."

"Yeah, yeah. Proud chef who's too busy to cook but always ready to complain."

I roll my eyes at her.

"So, now that Sasuke is back in college, he'll be leaving your place?"

I look at her.

"Actually, he said he'd come back today. I gave him a key so that he can come and go as he pleases."

"I see. So, finally my forehead girl is in a relationship. And it looks damn serious."

"I guess you're right."

"Of course I am," Ino gives a sly smile, "Now I'm excited for the next step."

"Next step?"

"Uh huh. Don't tell me you don't understand what I'm talking about."

I'm just about to tell her that I really don't, but…

Damn it!

I see what she's getting at. And immediately my entire face and my ears heat up. I stare at her, forgetting to chew the food inside my mouth.

"Oi, Sakura?"

"Yes?"

"What's the matter?"

"What… do you mean?"

"Normally when I say such things, you yell at me. Today, not only you're not uttering a word, but also turning red like a tomato."

WHAT?

This is bad. I don't like where this is going. Not at all.

"You…" she points an accusing finger at me, "Don't tell me…"

And I choke on my sandwich.

When I finally calm down after drinking some water, Ino speaks again.

"You're still not trying to deny it at all."

"Well… Ino… I… We…"

"I can't believe you."

"It wasn't-"

"You are horrible Sakura. Not only did you have sex, but also decided not to tell me."

"Don't shout," I find myself on the verge of yelling, "The whole department doesn't need to know. And besides, it happened just last night."

"Last night?"

"Yes, last night. We went out for dinner then came home and watched a film together and then-"

"Whoa! Isn't this just perfect!" Ino exclaims loudly. "So, how was it?"

"Good."

Ino raises an eyebrow that I know stands for _'Seriously?'_

"Well, it was kind of… sudden. We didn't plan it beforehand or anything. But it was great."

"How many times did you do it?"

"Once."

"Just once? You disappoint me, forehead."

"It was our first time Ino. We'll have time later."

"Our? It was his first time as well?"

"Yeah."

"That's news. Whatever. Did you reach orgasm?"

"I did."

"Wow! What is he? A sex god?" she exclaims loudly.

"Could you please keep your voice low?"

"Right. Excuse me for getting too excited. The thing is, my best friend just had sex for the first time. So, which position did you try?"

"I was on top," I feel my face getting hotter although that is practically impossible at this point.

"Seriously?! I mean, seeing Sasuke, I somehow had a feeling that he'd like to be the one in control, you know."

"He was the one. I mean overall. But since it was my first time, he said being on top would be more comfortable for me because it'd let me set the pace."

"That's so great, forehead! He really is considerate. Totally different from the arrogant image he has set for himself."

"To be honest, even I was a little surprised."

"Did it hurt?"

"Nope."

"Not even a little bit?"

"Nah. I mean, it was a little uncomfortable at first, but nothing really painful. And I didn't bleed either."

"Whoa! I have to say your first time went exceptionally well," Ino smirks.

Before I can reply, Professor Tsunade enters the room.

"Care to show me your progress, Sakura?"

"Professor."

I stand up. Intending to show her my work, asking for her opinion on whether I should add more yellow or leave it as it is. 

.

.

.

Before leaving, she says, "Oh. I almost forgot to ask. You kids are using protection, right?"

Huh? What protection? What is she talking about?

"I… am not getting it." And I suddenly see Ino's eyes go wide.

Tsunade raises her eyebrows.

"You're not having unprotected sex with that boyfriend of yours; are you? While disease remains one important factor, you won't really like it if you end up getting pregnant."

WHAT?

And Ino falls down from her stool.

I stand there, frozen.

"What are you two getting so worked up for? Did you think that at your age, I was aspiring to become a Vestal Virgin? Now, if you are _not_ using protection-"

"We are," I speak just in order to make her shut up.

"That's good," and she starts to leave. But she turns back once again and says, "And while using a condom, make sure to check the expiry date. You too, Yamanaka, keep it in mind. Do whatever you want but always keep your safety in mind." Then she turns back and this time leaves for good. Leaving us, the extremely traumatised duo behind.

.

.

.

"Are you alright Ino?" Sai enquires, "You're drinking black coffee. And that too, without sugar."

It makes sense. Ino always drinks either iced-latte or bubble tea. This is my first time seeing her drink black coffee.

"Oh. This is exactly what I need right now. In order to get rid of the migraine that I got when your HOD warned me to only use condoms that haven't passed the expiry date."

Sai looks shocked. And even the lazy bum Shikamaru forgets his lethargy for a while and almost jumps.

"She did _what_?"

"You heard me, Shikamaru. Actually, Sakura was the one she was advising. But since I was there as well, she decided that she shouldn't be so partial to care only about her own student."

It takes them a while but soon, I find Sai and Shikamaru looking my way.

"Yes. Yes. I've already had enough for today. Just let it go. Okay?"

"Don't you think it's too soon?" Sai asks.

"No it isn't," Ino speaks, "You and I had sex on our very first date."

"But we were different Ino. Sakura isn't like you."

"Like me?"

Okay, Sai. I hope you understand that you're in danger.

"She has never been in a relationship before. Can she even be sure that she isn't being taken advantage of?"

"Hey! Don't talk about me like I'm not right here. What do you mean being taken advantage of? I might not have dated before but I'm not stupid."

"But-"

"Was the decision mutual or did you just give in to his demands?" Shikamaru interrupts Sai.

"Of course it was mutual."

"Then that's it. They are both adults and have made a decision. Any consequence that follows, they'll face it. We don't have to argue about it here. I'm not fond of discussing other people's sex lives."

* * *

Coming back to college hasn't been as bothersome as I expected it to be. Whatever people had to say, they just whispered it behind my back. Not really coming to me to ask for details. And that was a real relief.

Our second year is coming to an end. Which means this year's championship is drawing near. So, practice is going to get more hectic these days. I've been absent for some time. I have to work extra hard from now on.

.

.

.

When I return home, I find that Sakura hasn't come back yet. And it baffles me how without even noticing, in my mind, I referred to this place as _home_. This tiny flat that's too small for two people.

But still, as I look around, I feel that something is missing. And I know exactly what that is. Or rather, _who_ that is.

It feels like some huge weight just got lifted off my chest. Cause there's always been this nagging uneasiness inside me. Since Mom passed away. The feeling that I needed something. Something very crucial. The absence of which was very evident but I had no clue what that _something_ was supposed to be. And finally, finally, I've found the answer to that question.

I found her. Now, I've got to keep her.

It reminds me of what I came to know today. My father has been calling every day to inquire whether I've returned yet. And that routine stopped exactly today.

The college authority didn't understand why, but I clearly did.

And my question is…

WHY?

Why is he suddenly so concerned about me?

Or was he concerned this whole time? Was I too arrogant to notice? But that somehow doesn't sound very convincing.

Okay, sitting here like this, I won't find the answers to my questions. I've got to find something better to do.

I remember Sakura telling me that she'd need another jar of tomato passata to make the pasta. I could go buy that for her. I've been staying here for a while, I want to help her out as well.

I send her a text asking if she needs something other than the passata and get dressed up.

Very soon, I find my phone ringing. 

"Hello?"

"Hey, you're going shopping?"

"Ah."

"Well, I don't exactly need anything since I went shopping just yesterday…"

"Nothing?"

Well, that hurts me. It does for real.

"But if you find fresh prawns, I'd like for you to buy some. I just ate a really bad prawn and mayo sandwich from the cafeteria today. I want to make some tomorrow."

"Okay. I'll buy it."

"Well, you'll need to buy a lot. If I bring sandwiches for lunch, I'll have to bring enough for everybody."

"Everybody?"

She intends to feed her entire class? Seriously?

"Ino, Sai and Shikamaru. Not literally _everybody_ ," she giggles.

That's a relief.

"Okay."

"Yup. Bye then. See you later."

"Hn."

.

.

.

It feels kind of weird. When I was young, Mom would send me to run errands at times when she'd be too busy herself. Since her death, it's always been me doing as I please.

Today, as I enter the store it reminds me very much of those old days.

Buying the passata and the prawns was very easy. It took almost no time. And it makes me feel like it's not enough yet. I mean, I literally just came and picked those things up. I don't think it deserves enough credit.

Then, suddenly I remember. Yes. Strawberry ice cream. Sakura was really happy when Naruto brought one tub of that at the time of that party.

It was really nice. I guess it was our beginning. Sakura had fallen asleep on my leg. I couldn't help stealing glances at her. And I couldn't help feeling guilty about it either. There was this tiny voice somewhere inside my head telling me that I was doing something I had no right to do. I remember thinking how I'll never get another chance like that ever again. To look at her innocent, sleeping face. It had made my heart ache.

But look how things are now. Last night, I woke up once to find Sakura snuggling up to my chest. Sleeping peacefully. With not a single barrier between us. Just us, in our raw, naked forms, pressed against each other.

I could drink it in. The sight of her sleeping figure. And I didn't have to feel guilty about it anymore. Because now I have the right. Sakura has given me the right.

It had given me a different sense of pride and satisfaction. Knowing that she can sleep that deeply in my arms. Because it means she trusts me. No one can sleep so peacefully in the arms of someone she doesn't trust.

Suddenly the song catches my attention. The store's practically empty except for me. And soft music has been playing since before I turned up here. But I didn't care to bother about it. I never do. I mean, I do listen to music, but not a lot. And when I go somewhere with some task at hand, I generally don't waste my time getting distracted by other things.

But this song's lyrics suddenly captures my attention. I stop looking for the ice cream and simply stand there, giving my full attention to the song.

It's exactly the type of cheesy love songs I made fun of Naruto for listening to. Just except the fact that right now, to me, it doesn't sound cheesy at all.

_'She shares my dreams, I hope that someday I'll share her home'_

Well, I already am. Kind of. But I understand what the song is trying to imply. Having a home, being each other's family. It must be nice: returning home to Sakura everyday.

I was never the type to dream about a future with anyone. All my future dreams were based on achieving my personal goals. Succeeding in my career and all. But somehow, lately, I've been wanting more. Now when I try to imagine a future, Sakura's petite form flashes in front of my eyes. 

Since when did she become so important to me?

The song ends, and I feel an instant regret. Like I didn't want it to. I want it to continue.

I want to listen to it again. But I have no idea what that song is called.

I look at the counter. A girl, might be a little older than me, is sitting there, doing something with her phone. Well, can't blame her. It's not like she has any customer to serve.

Should I ask her? She's the one who's playing the songs. But to go and talk to a total stranger like that. It's not really my thing.

I stand for some time, trying to decide what to do. I mean, what's the worst thing that can happen? She can tell me to get lost. She can totally ignore me. But given I'm her customer, she isn't very likely to do either.

But let's consider the worst case scenario. Let's say she really does kick me out of here. What is so horrible about it? I mean, yeah, it definitely isn't something one would want to put on one's résumé . But well, it's not like I'll lose anything. And of course, I'll never return to this store ever again.

But it doesn't hurt to try once. Yes, I can do it. It's really easy. Just walk up to her and ask her the name of the song.

I walk to the counter. And she looks up at me. And she smiles.

Okay. She's smiling. So far, I'm safe. Now, I just have to ask her. Or, I could simply forget about it and pay for the passata and the prawns and run away with my life and dignity intact.

But that song.

"Excuse me…" when have I ever sounder so polite to anyone? Literally _anyone_?

"The song, the one that was playing before this… can you tell me the name of that song?"

I watch her carefully for any signs of impending calamity.

But she just takes a few moments and smiles again. This time more widely.

"Oh. That was Perfect by Ed Sheeran."

Whoa! That was surprisingly easy.

"It's a beautiful song, isn't it?"

Oh right. I started this conversation. So, I shouldn't complain. So I nod.

"Your girlfriend will be really happy if you dedicate this song to her."

Huh? Dedicate it to Sakura? That's not exactly what I was thinking about. It's just that listening to the song immediately made me think of her.

Wait a minute. Is this what Sakura had meant when she was talking about the 'soul' of arts? Putting one's feelings into one's art and making it touch others' hearts?

Now that I think about it, it really _is_ kind of nice. To think that there is someone out there, someone I know nothing about. And he knows nothing about me either. But we have feelings. The persons invoking the feelings in us are different as well. But still, the feelings are the same. It almost feels like a miracle.

I get why Sakura said that these things can't be understood. Only felt.

Because I felt it just now. I'm feeling it right now.

"You are totally lost in your thoughts," the girl chuckles.

Oh. Yeah. Right.

"Yeah. I'm… I mean, thank you for telling me."

"Come on, it was nothing. My good wishes for you and your girlfriend."

Turns out that interacting with people is way easier than I imagined it to be.

.

.

.

When I return home with the passata, the prawns and the strawberry ice cream, I feel uncannily happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song mentioned: Perfect by Ed Sheeran.  
> I was really tired today and thought of updating this chapter tomorrow. But then I thought about Grognak who is always supporting my story and has been leaving really kind reviews since the beginning. So, I am uploading this chapter today as a way of thanking you because your enthusiastic support means a lot to me. I am really, really grateful to every single person who shows support in any form. It motivates me to write.


	15. Calamity

"Sakura-" I call her name as we lie on the bed. Both of us still breathing heavily after our passionate love-making. Her head lying on my bicep, covering it with her soft and now-slightly-damp-with-sweat, locks.

"Uh?" she raises her head a little, bright green eyes shining.

"You… listen to songs a lot, don't you?"

"Yes, I do," she smiles as she gets up to support her body weight on her elbows, pressing her stomach against the bed. "I love listening to music. Why do you ask?"

"I…" I consider telling her exactly why. But then, decide against it. "Just asking."

"Hnnnn?" she raises an eyebrow, "Doesn't sound very convincing."

I stare at her. Not saying anything. She looks so beautiful like this. And I am the only person on earth who is allowed to see her like this.

"Do you want to know a secret, Sasuke?"

"What?"

"You know what my favourite song is these days?"

"No."

"It's called _Hold My Hand_. Have you ever listened to it?"

"No."

"You should, when you have time. Then you'll understand why it's my favourite."

"Sounds interesting."

She giggles and moves closer to me. Placing a soft kiss on my lips.

"You still have so much energy left."

"What do you mean?" she raises her pink brows.

"I mean that I want to go for another round," with that I get on top of her. Trapping her smaller form under me.

"The reason I stopped last night after just one round was because I was afraid of how it'll affect you. But you've been doing exceptionally well. You said you didn't have any uncomfortable feelings."

I see her face go completely red. I lean down to kiss her.

She breaks the kiss after a short while and speaks in a raspy voice, "Sasuke-"

"Hn?"

"Let's open the window and the curtains."

"Huh?"

"It's full moon tonight. It's always been my fantasy."

" _What_ exactly has been your fantasy?"

"Having sex under the moonlight," she looks away as she speaks.

Honestly speaking, I don't know what to say. I just continue looking at her but she refuses to meet my eyes.

So, I get up and leave the bed; going to the window and opening it. As well as moving the curtains aside. And soft, silvery light enters the room. I've never been a poetic person. But I have to admit. It looks magical. As if ethereal. I look at the bed to see Sakura sitting.

"Is this okay?"

"Yes. For now it'll do."

"For now?"

"Well, my actual fantasy is to have sex under direct moonlight. You know, not inside a room where the light only gets in through a window."

"You mean, you want to do it in the open?"

"Not in an open public place of course. It has to be a place where no one else can get."

"You really do have some elaborate fantasies," I smirk at her as I get back on the bed.

She blushes profusely. I can already see the advantages of the moonlight. Things are very clear now. But at the same time, everything seems really soothing. And kind of mysterious at the same time.

"I have just one. Ino has so many."

"What? You talk about these kind of things?"

Do they? Seriously?

"You guys don't?"

"Of course not."

"Why not? Aren't you friends?"

"So what?"

"So, you didn't tell Naruto? About what we did?"

"No. You told Ino?"

"Are you angry I did?" she asks.

I think for a while, "Depends on what you told her."

She looks kind of nervous. "Well… I told her everything."

"Everything as in? You described the entire event to her? Like an erotic story?"

"No, not that," she blushes again.

"Then?"

"Normal stuff."

"Like?"

"Like… how many times we did it. Which position we did it in."

Seriously?

"And how it felt."

 _That_ sounds interesting.

"What did you tell her about that?"

"About what?"

"About How. It. Felt?" I smirk at her as I utter the words.

"Stop it, Sasuke," she pushes me with her palms but it does nothing to move me away.

"Come on, don't you think _I_ should know how I make you feel?"

"Good. You make me feel good."

"That's it? How disappointing! I was expecting a more detailed description," I whisper into her ear.

"If you're just going to tease me, then go away," she pouts.

I chuckle as I pull her into a deep kiss.

.

.

.

"Oi, Bastard, Ino called me. They're coming. How long are you going to stay in there?" Naruto shouts while banging at the door.

"Shut up, Moron. Let me shower in peace," I yell back.

Seriously. Why did Sakura have to invite him again? Is it some sort of a picnic or what? The very idea of that loudmouth Ino and Naruto being in the same place almost makes me not want to go. But _I_ bought the prawns. I even helped her in making and packing the sandwiches. _I_ deserve to eat them. Naruto is the one who doesn't.

"Oi" banging again.

"WHAT is your problem? I'm coming out in a minute!"

"I need to buy water. Forgot to bring my wallet."

I turn off the shower.

"Do you remember how much you already owe me?"

"Come on, Sasuke," he really is desperate. He's calling me by my name. "Are you seriously going to worry about money in such a situation? You're going to deny an almost dying thirsty person drinking water?"

"Fine! Go take money from my wallet. But don't forget. I remember every penny you owe me. And I'll get it all back."

"I love you, Sasuke."

"I hate you. Get lost."

I grab the towel. Because the fact is, I'm really hungry after all that practice.

As I approach the locker room while still drying my hair, I see Naruto from a distance. Wasn't he 'almost dying' from thirst? Why is he still here holding my wallet? What exactly is his agenda? What's he observing so closely? What is that thing in his right hand?

WAIT!

I know what that is! Oh shit! How did I forget?

But more importantly, what do I do now? I guess I should just act cool and behave like it's no big deal. I mean, is it really a big deal? I'm an adult and I'm having sex with my girlfriend who is also an adult. What is there to be bothered about?

Absolutely nothing. Yeah. I just need to act cool.

"Hey Neji, do you know what these are? That bastard isn't using drugs, is he now?"

Neji? Hyuga Neji? He's in that room?

"Condoms," Neji says in his deep voice.

I know I have nothing to be embarrassed about. But why does _he_ have to know? We're not close and I don't particularly like him. Because… well… I'll admit it. He's kind of like me.

"Condoms?" Naruto almost jumps.

"Yes, condoms."

Okay. It's decided. Right now, I'm not ready to deal with this mess. So, let's leave for the time being.

"Oh! Good afternoon, Sasuke. Why are you standing here?" someone almost shouts at my ear.

I turn back. Of course it's him. The always so over-enthusiastic Rock Lee.

And then I look. Obviously. Naruto is looking my way now. Great!

"Hn," I say nonchalantly and walk towards the locker room.

Naruto looks too puzzled to say anything. So I use the opportunity to start pretending.

"I'm ready to go. Are you?"

He stares at my face.

"These are yours?" he finally manages to ask. Holding the condoms up.

I feel my ears getting hot. But I just came out of a shower. I guess I could blame it on that.

"Ah. Why did you take these out? Do you need one?"

"But, these are condoms."

"I know. I bought them."

Act cool, Sasuke. Act cool.

"And I found these in your wallet."

"Again. I am the one who put those there."

"You're…" Naruto points a finger towards me, "You're sleeping with Sakura?"

Before I can answer, Lee shouts, "Sakura?!"

Oh right. He was a very active member of her fan club.

"You're talking about Haruno Sakura?"

"Hn," I shrug.

"Is this why you've been living with her?" Naruto shouts.

"No. But-"

"You're LIVING with Sakura?"

And of course there was Lee. I'm grateful that at least Neji has kept his mouth shut. But I'm sure he's enjoying my plight. I'm afraid he can see through my act.

"Yes."

"How can you-"

"Because I don't think I need your permission in order to live with my girlfriend."

You heard that, Romeo? Now get lost. 

"Girlfriend?"

"Yes. As in a boyfriend and a girlfriend. Now Naruto, are you going or not? I'm really hungry."

I wonder if Sakura ever talks to people about me like that.

_That's Uchiha Sasuke, my boyfriend._

I wish I could hear her say that.

* * *

"It feels so nice. Just like a picnic," Ino says happily.

I guess she's right. It does feel like a picnic. All of us, sitting under this tree, eating together.

I don't know why, but for some reason, Naruto looks a little less enthusiastic today. And I'm almost sure he's refusing to meet my eyes.

"Hinata!" Sai calls out.

There she is. Standing a little away from us. With what I guess is her lunch in her hands.

"What are you doing here?" I ask.

"I… always eat here."

"By yourself?"

She takes a look at us and nods.

"Why'd you eat alone? That's kind of sad," Ino says. She has this ability to talk to people like she has known them for ages. Even though this is her first time seeing Hinata.

"Well… I'm not… very good with people," she says timidly.

"I see," Ino thinks for a while. Then adds with a smile, "Do you want to join us?"

Hinata's eyes go wide.

"Is… that okay?"

"Of course it is. Sakura has made sandwiches for everybody. Are you allergic to prawns?"

She shakes her head.

"Then come join us."

"Yes, Hinata. Join us," I smile at her.

.

.

.

"What do you have, Hinata?" Ino asks.

"Pasta."

"Pasta?" Naruto suddenly jumps, "Can I have some? Please?"

Hinata looks startled. Then nods slightly. "Of… of course."

And I bet I see her blush.

.

.

.

"I see. So you two are going to be really busy these days," I say.

"Yes, like super busy. The championship is almost here. And I'm going to work extra hard. This year, I'm not letting Bastard win. Believe it!"

I chuckle at his enthusiastic behaviour. Somehow, talking to Hinata has reverted him back to his original self.

"Huh," Sasuke grunts.

"Save your fight for the court. Don't start here. It's too troublesome," Shikamaru comments with a sigh.

"Do your best. Both of you. I'll support you."

"You're saying that. But isn't Sasuke the one you'll support?" Naruto sounds offended.

"Well, I will support you as long it's not Sasuke you're playing against. But yes, when you're facing him, I'm going to be on his side. After all, he's my boyfriend," I stick my tongue out.

I see Sasuke look at me.

"What?"

"Nothing," he says and goes back to eating his sandwich.

"You're mean, Sakura," Naruto pouts.

"Can't help it."

"Well… Naruto… I… I will support you… So… do your best," Hinata manages to say without meeting his eyes.

"You will?" Naruto literally jumps, "You're so nice, Hinata. I really like you."

At that, Hinata's face turns deep red. I see Ino smirk. I can tell that everyone but Naruto is aware of the effects he has on our shy and timid classmate.

.

.

.

Although I had promised Sasuke that I'd be there to support him, I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to accomplish that. After all, it's year ending for me as well and I have a lot to take care of.

The past few weeks have been really hectic for both me and Sasuke. We haven't been able to spend much time together. But that's going to happen from time to time.

Just because we're in love, doesn't mean that's going to solve every problem. Our hardships, our struggles, they're still there and they will remain. But now, it's a little easier since now we have someone to support us in our struggles.

It's like we're walking on two parallel roads. Our paths are different. But they run side by side. Like two rails of a railway track. Separated but always together. So, every time one of us stumbles, the other one can help them get back on their feet. Because we're always within an arms distance. And always ready to help.

.

.

.

"You should be really tired these days, but somehow you look very energetic. Totally different from last year," Tsunade comments while ordering our pizza, "Pepperoni, right?"

"Yes," I nod, then continue, "I guess I got used to it."

"I guess you're in love," she smirks, looking my way.

"Eh?"

"Falling in love does amazing things to a person's brain. You have no idea," she puts her phone on the table as she's done ordering.

I can't come up with an immediate reply. I just blush.

"Whatever, thank you for lending me a hand with the catalogue. Arranging this exhibition drives me crazy every single year," she stretches on her chair and then walks towards her kitchen.

"I like it. It's good in terms of gaining experience."

"And?" she appears sipping a can of chilled beer.

I raise my brows a little, "Well… I guess I-"

"Am still very conscious about the fact that I'm here on scholarship."

That sums it up. It leaves no room for arguments.

"Well, everyone is paying for the things I'm getting for free."

"You think it's for free? You think it's charity?"

"Isn't it?"

"If it was charity, I'd bring any random kid from literally anywhere and offer him a scholarship. I clearly am not doing that."

I stare at her.

"You have potential. That's why I accepted you here. It's not that you're not paying for the things you're getting. Your mode of payment is different. While for most of them, the payment is money, for you, it's your own hard work and dedication. Get that into your brain."

I still can't answer her.

"And you know why that's even better?" she asks while taking a sip of her beer, not looking my way.

"From what I have seen in my lifetime, you'll hear more people say 'I have worked way too hard for it' than 'I have spent way too much money after it' as a reason to not give up on something."

I don't say anything. Just look down at my hands on my lap.

"Whatever, doesn't your boyfriend get upset about you being stuck here with me every day?"

"No," I lift my head, "I mean, he's pretty busy himself. The championship is approaching."

"Ah. I heard from Orochimaru."

"Today, however, he went on a motorcycle trip."

"Motorcycle trip?"

"Yeah. With his best friend, Uzumaki Naruto. I guess you know him as well?"

"And you're absolutely right," she smirks, "But I didn't know they were friends. I heard about their rivalry."

"Yes. It surprised me as well. But Sasuke says that it's even more of a reason to be best friends with him. They can bring out the best in each other. They can push each other to their extreme limits."

"Interesting. I must say."

.

.

.

Our pizza arrives.

"You ordered fries?"

"You like them, don't you?"

"Yes, but-"

"Shut up and eat. I've had enough of your nagging already."

So I start eating.

"But I must admit, since you met this Uchiha boy, you've been eating more. You look healthier these days."

"I guess so," I blush a little.

"Oh to be in love! Now I miss my husband. I hope his business trip is over soon."

I chuckle.

"What?"

"How old were you when you got married?"

"Twenty six."

"You've been married for so long."

"Twenty three years."

"And you still love each other so much."

"We do. But, there have been rough times. In fact, there was a time when we considered divorce."

"That can't be true!"

"It is. About three years after our marriage. It was difficult you see. We didn't know how to balance everything. Both of us were busy with our career and things were falling apart. We ended up fighting at the smallest of things. So we decided to go our separate ways."

"What happened then?"

"I moved back to my old flat. The one you live in now."

"That one? It's too small. You could afford better than that!"

"I could. But I didn't feel like. Home isn't about how large or how fancy the place is. At the end of the day, it's a place where you can find some peace. Even if it's a small, one bedroom flat."

"How did you get back together again?"

"Well, I was struggling with all my work. I was really frustrated about everything. About three months after our separation, one Friday night, at around 8, Dan called me. He simply asked me if I wanted to hang out."

"And you agreed?"

"Yeah. We went to a park nearby and sat on a bench together. He bought coffee. No fancy latte or anything. Just cheap coffee in paper cups. It tasted awful," she smiles.

"What did you do?"

"He asked me how I was doing. With my work and everything. Then he simply said, _'You're busy as ever. Are you too busy to miss me?'_ " She smiles fondly. "At first, I didn't know how to respond. To my knowledge, we were over. But there he was, asking me if I missed him. So, I didn't reply. Then, he said, _'I'm very busy too. But at the end of the day, when I get tired and want to return home, I don't want to return to that house. I feel like going to your flat instead. Because you'll be there. It doesn't feel like home if you're not there.'_ I remember I almost cried before admitting to him that I missed him too. That night, we went back to my flat together."

"That flat?"

"Yes. After all, during our college days, that used to be our nest," she smiles. "Whatever, the next week, I moved back in and as you can see, we're still married," she holds her left hand up to show me the ring.

"It's so nice."

"It is. But you know what? Had he not asked me out that night, none of it would've happened. I never would've contacted him myself. I was too proud to do that. I missed him terribly. But I was afraid he'd say he's completely over me. That I'm a fool to even miss him. I can't tell you how grateful I am that he let go of his pride and called me that night."

.

.

.

As I return home, I keep thinking about Tsunade's words. I've always thought that her relationship with her husband is perfect. But today as I learnt how close it came to falling apart, it feels kind of strange.

.

.

.

After getting changed, I take my phone out of my bag. I think of calling Sasuke. It's almost 9 now. But before I can even unlock it, it rings.

Is this what people call telepathy?

But surprisingly, it isn't Sasuke. It's Naruto.

Well, that's kind of… strange.

"Hi, Naruto."

"Sakura. You finally picked up. I've been trying for more than an hour."

"I'm sorry. I was working with my HOD. So I had put my phone on silent."

But why'd Naruto try calling me for more than an hour? That's kind of strange.

"Well…Sakura-"

Somehow I don't like it. The way he's speaking. It has an ominous feeling to it.

"What happened, Naruto?"

"Sasuke-"

NO!

I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear it because I know it's bad news. My heart suddenly starts to beat uncontrollably. I can feel my entire body shake.

When something bad happens, you want to close your eyes because you don't want to see it. You're not ready to face it. But then you realise that you closing your eyes doesn't make a pennyworth of difference and things will happen exactly as they're supposed to happen. So, in the end, you open your eyes because you have to face reality. Running away is just not an option.

"What happened to him, Naruto?" I ask in a voice that I can't recognise as my own.

"He was… in an accident."

And immediately my mind imagines the worst.

"He's at the hospital now."

"He's alive. Right?" I almost shout.

"Yes. Yes. He is. He's alive."

That's it. That's all I needed to hear. And I feel strength returning to my limbs once again.

"Which hospital, Naruto?"

"His family's hospital. The Uchiha Medical Institution."

"Where is that? Oh. Never mind. I'll find it."

"Wait. Sakura, it's late. You don't have to come now."

"I don't care. Do you hear me, Naruto? I don't care if I HAVE TO or not. I AM coming. And I'm coming RIGHT NOW," I yell at him although I know he isn't at any fault.

.

.

.

The taxi rushes towards the hospital and I can't help feeling guilty. Sasuke was in an accident. Naruto had been calling me. For over an hour. And I had no idea. I had put my phone on silent and was chatting with Tsunade. I was eating pizza with chips. I feel like throwing up.

I cry frantically, while pulling at my hair.

"Miss, are you alright?" the driver asks, looking at me through the rear view mirror.

"I… I… could you please go a little faster?" I literally beg him.

"It's the traffic, Miss. I can't do anything."

That's right. It makes me mad. It's late now. Why is there still so much traffic at this hour?

My phone rings again.

"Hello?"

"Sakura, where are you?"

"On the way. Why? Did something bad happen to him? Don't you dare lie to me, Naruto!" I yell at him.

"No. No. Nothing like that. I called to tell you that you don't have to panic too much. Sasuke had his helmet on. And he's in good hands. His father himself is taking care of him."

Oh, right. The hospital belongs to his family. That makes sense.

"Hello? Sakura?"

"Yes. I'm listening, Naruto."

"How long will it take for you to reach the hospital?"

"I'm not sure. I have to check."

"Okay. Don't worry too much. When you get nearby, call me."

"yeah."

.

.

.

The traffic isn't moving much. I check the map. Still over a kilometer to go. But I can't sit still like this anymore.

Sasuke was in an accident. It's a relief to know he's alive and in good hands. But at moments like this, you want to be at the spot. Whatever happens, good or bad, you want to be there to hear it in person. It sucks to wait at the backseat of a taxi with just a phone as the only mode of contact.

"I'm getting off here," I say to the driver.

"But Miss-"

"I can't wait any longer."

I get off the taxi and pay the driver. Without even waiting for the change, I rush towards the pavement.

I call Naruto as I run.

"Yes, Sakura?"

"I'll be there in fifteen minutes, Naruto."

"Okay, then. Enter through the emergency ward. I'm coming to the gate."

"Got it," I hang up the phone and as I keep running down the pavement, I realise that I actually have my slippers on.


	16. Aftermath

"Sakura!" I spot Naruto near the entrance as he yells my name.

"Naruto!" I rush to him, "Take me where he is. Take me to Sasuke."

"Wait. Wait Sakura. You can't see him now."

Right! Right! That's right.

"Don't you worry so much," Naruto tries to console me.

"How can you say that to me, Naruto? How can you ask me not to worry when Sasuke is in such a state?"

Naruto looks at me for a while before saying, "I guess you're right," he hangs his head and takes a deep breath before saying, "Let's go and wait outside the operating theatre. Come on."

I follow him. We take the lift. There's no one else inside except us. Through the reflection on the shiny steel walls, I find Naruto scanning me top to bottom.

"What?"

"You look really…" he thinks for a while before saying, "Whatever. You can't possibly be bothered about your looks at the moment."

That's true. I take my time to observe him as well. Messy hair, dirty skin and clothes. I can also see some blood stains here and there. Is that Sasuke's blood? How did the accident happen? Exactly how bad was it?

"We're here," Naruto announces and the door slides open. We walk in silence as Naruto leads the way. He stops after a while.

"You wait here," he says when we reach the operating theatre, the green light on the door indicating it's being used at the moment, "I'll be back in a minute."

I stand there looking around for a while before sitting down. There's no one else in here. The place is very neat and more or less every single thing in here seems to scream 'high class'. Naruto appears after a short while; with a bottle of water.

"Here."

I look at him, confused.

"You literally ran here. Your face is all sweaty."

I don't say anything. Just take the bottle from him. It's only after taking the first sip that I realise exactly how thirsty I have been. I almost empty the entire bottle.

"Thank you, Naruto."

"Don't thank me. He'd do the same for my girlfriend if I had one," he tries to smile at his own joke. But I can clearly tell it's fake.

"You don't have to force yourself. I know you're worried. Just like I am. You don't have to act tough."

"You can tell that easily, huh?" Naruto gives a bitter smile and scratches his head.

Of course I know. I know how much you care about him. I've seen how worried you were when he disappeared for a week.

.

.

.

I don't catch when the door in front of us slides open. But as Naruto jumps up, I take notice.

"How's he?" Naruto asks rushing.

"Out of danger," the doctor replies authoritatively. Then he takes a look at me. He's a tall man with almost shoulder length black hair and dark black eyes. Is he Sasuke's father?

"None of his vital organs were damaged. And you took action promptly. So, the blood loss could be controlled too."

"Thank goodness!" Naruto exclaims.

I take a sigh of relief as well.

"When can we see him?" Naruto asks, eagerly.

"We'll be transferring him to a private room. But he won't be awake for a while."

"I see," Naruto speaks, "At least, he's safe."

"Yes. You two can go back now. It's already late," he says in his same flat tone.

"I'm not going _anywhere_ before seeing him," I talk for the first time since he appeared.

He looks at me. A straight face and piercing eyes. He _has to be_ Sasuke's father.

"You're Sakura I presume?"

He knows my name? And he knows me? I mean he isn't just aware of my existence. He knows it's _me_.

"I am."

"Uchiha Fugaku. Sasuke's father."

Eh? It's an introduction?

"Um… Haruno Sakura. Sasuke's…"

I get that Sasuke told him about me. But what exactly did he say? Did he inform him that I'm his girlfriend? Literally, Sasuke's father is the one family member he never talks about. "Friend," I finish my sentence.

"I thought you were his girlfriend?"

So, he knows?

"Well… I mean… yes… I am."

Now that the danger is over, I suddenly become terribly conscious of the fact that I'm meeting my boyfriend's father for the first time.

And… let's take a look at my appearance.

I'm wearing a tracksuit and my slippers. Why my slippers of all things! My hair was tied in a decent top knot when I left home. But right now it's a crazy mess thanks to all the pulling I did at the backseat of the taxi. And the strands from my fringe are sticking to my sweaty forehead.

Not so impressive.

"You can stay if you want. After all, he's your boyfriend. But I have to go now. See you later," he turns to leave as he finishes his sentence.

"Thank you," I shout from behind his back. He turns around. "For saving him."

"He's my son."

"I know," I mutter. "I know he's your son and… that you didn't save him for _me_. But… I'm still thankful. Because if you didn't…"

I see him frown.

"If you didn't…"

"I get it. You're welcome," he says in a voice that doesn't betray any emotion and this time, leaves without wasting another moment.

And as he does, I finish the sentence in my mind. The one I couldn't bring myself to speak out loud.

If you didn't… I'd have lost him. And it wouldn't have mattered to me the slightest _whose_ son he was. _I_ would have lost the boy I love.

I can't lose him. I'd go insane. The very idea scares me to the bone.

I didn't know him a year ago. And how is it that within a few months he has become such an integral part of my life? Is it even possible?

* * *

"How are you feeling?" Sakura asks. Her bright green eyes glowing.

"My head feels heavy."

"Any pain?"

I try to check if I feel any. But currently, I can't really tell.

"You scared us to death, you bastard," Naruto yells from her side.

I look at him. And Sakura. I can clearly see how worried they have been. I can see the dark circles under their eyes. I'm sure none of them got any sleep last night.

I contemplate apologising. But it's not like I did it intentionally. 

"But we're glad you're safe, Sasuke," Sakura whispers, brushing her fingers softly against my right hand.

I stare at her. She's a mess. A total mess. And I am the one responsible for that. But I think she looks so beautiful like this. I wonder if she looks this beautiful to everyone else or is it just me? Does she appear so mesmerising to me because I'm so hopelessly in love with her?

"I am sorry, Sasuke," she says suddenly, looking down at our still joined hands.

"What are you talking about?"

"You were in an accident, you were rushed here. Maybe your life wasn't in danger. But still…" she looks at me and I can see tears in her eyes.

"That's no reason for you to apologise."

"No. But when you were brought here, Naruto tried to call me. He kept calling me. For over an hour you know. He kept trying and trying and I didn't pick up. Do you know why?"

"You might've been busy."

"No. I wasn't. I was just eating pizza and chatting with Professor Senju. Nothing important was going on. Here you were Sasuke, in a critical condition and there I was, enjoying my time, not even knowing a thing."

I look at her for a while before speaking, "Naruto, give us a moment."

He looks surprised.

"Heh?"

"Leave us alone for a moment."

"Oi, you can't do anything yet. For goodness' sake, Sasuke, you just survived an accident yesterday! At least wait till you're released from the hospital. Seriously!"

"W-what are you talking about?" Sakura shouts, her face completely red.

So much for surviving an accident. With Naruto around, peace is merely an abstract concept.

"I need to _talk_ to Sakura," I put extra emphasis on the word 'talk' just so it'd make it through his thick skull and into that joke of a brain inside it; "In private."

"Oh! So, that's how it is."

"Of course that's how it is. Anyone except a completely brainless idiot like you would get that."

"Oi, Sasuke, don't you dare insult me," he looks ready for a face-off.

"Naruto, save your fight for later", Sakura intervenes.

He frowns at her for a while before saying, "Whatever," and stomps out of the room.

As he leaves, Sakura chuckles. "Seriously, Sasuke, you guys are just like kindergarten kids. Bickering at the smallest of opportunities."

"Huh," I don't even glorify it with a proper response.

"You know, it was because of his prompt action that you didn't lose much blood. Your father said yesterday."

Father?

"You met my father?"

"Looking like this," she gives a silly smile. "I was really nervous but he didn't seem to mind. You never told me that you had told your father about me. About _us_."

"To be precise, I didn't really tell him."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"I was telling my mother about you when he happened to stand behind me without my knowledge."

"Wait a minute," she holds her palm up, "How can you talk to your mother? She's been… _dead_ for more than six years."

"Wasn't it you who told me she talks to her Granny?" I frown a little.

"Oh!" she almost jumps out of her chair. Now that I think about it, in several ways she's very similar to Naruto. Always so energetic, always so expressive, so full of life.

"You tried that? I told you. It feels great. You can express all your feelings without having to worry about being judged."

When I don't say anything in response, she speaks again. This time more softly.

"But you know Sasuke, ever since you came into my life, my one sided conversations with Granny has been getting shorter and less frequent."

She looks down at her hands playing with the hem of her top.

I understand exactly what she's talking about. Till now, we were clinging onto dead people for the love and support we desired. Because we didn't have anyone else. Or maybe we did; we just weren't aware or didn't have the faith or courage.

But now, we have each other. So, slowly we're letting go of the shadows from the past and embracing the present while looking towards the future. Because while we love the deceased, we are still living. And among the livings is where we belong.

"I know," I say softly, placing my hand over her smaller and softer one and lacing our fingers together.

"Sasuke-" She looks into my eyes, her bright green orbs telling me she understands me as well.

Does she understand just how lucky I am to have found her? There's no way she does. Because there's no way I can express it all.

"Hey there, Romeo and Juliet, we're coming. Thought I might as well announce because I don't really want to see something I'll regret seeing," Naruto shouts as he re-enters the room.

What the actual fuck? It hasn't even been ten minutes since he left. I'm about to yell at him when I see my father appear behind him. I swallow my words, my mouth remains open and Sakura immediately pulls her hand away from mine and hides it in her sleeves. She doesn't even look up again.

But apparently it didn't go as smoothly as we thought it did. Because I bet I see my father smirk. It was so concealed and so short lived that at first I thought I had imagined it. But I know that's not the case.

Ever since I was young, I've been afraid of disappointing him. I knew I was already a let-down. I've always been very conscious around him.

But today, at being _caught_ by him like this, I don't feel the nervousness I always feel around him. Rather, I feel embarrassed. I feel my face getting warm.

"How are you feeling?" he gets straight to the point. As professional as ever.

.

.

.

"It really sucks that you won't be able to play the tournament," Naruto complains loudly after my father finally leaves.

"You better be thankful, Moron. If I was there, you wouldn't have a chance to win," I say with a smirk.

"You wish! Do you know how hard I have been practicing since you defeated me last year?"

"That's why I'm telling you to reap the fruit of your hard work this year while I'm away. Because next year, I'm beating you to win the cup once again," I try to sound as obnoxious as I can.

"Sasuke, you bastard-"

"Stop it, you two," Sakura sounds pissed. "Seriously, just how old do you think you are? Sasuke, stop provoking Naruto," she glares at me and then at Naruto, "And you, Naruto, stop being provoked by him."

"Hmph."

"You're scary, Sakura," Naruto says.

.

.

.

"When can I leave?" I am getting impatient. I hope to return to the court as soon as I can. It's bad enough that I missed the tournament. At least, I want to start practicing as soon as I can. 

"Not yet," my father replies curtly.

.

.

.

"There's something I have to tell you," my father speaks in his usual unattached voice as he stands tall beside my bed. I've recovered to some extent. The irritating bandage on my head is gone for example. But the same thing can't be said about my shoulder.

"What is it?" I look at him.

"You know you can't play the upcoming college tournament."

"I do," isn't that obvious?

"Well," he takes a deep breath, "But that might not be the extent of it. It's still too early to come to any conclusion yet but I wanted to inform you that in case of fractures like this, sometimes even with all the treatments, complete recovery of strength and mobility isn't possible."

What exactly is he trying to say?

"While your vitals weren't damaged, it was your shoulder that took the entire impact. And your left shoulder. The condition was really bad, we had to use implants. You have gotten the permission to leave the hospital, but we need to keep you under watch. We have to observe how you're recovering. You might even need more surgeries in the future. Right now, nothing can be said with certainty."

No!

It can't be! It can't be what I think it is. There simply is no way.

He's bluffing. He's just lying to me. I get it. He has always despised my choice of becoming a tennis player instead of a doctor. He's at it again. Now, Mom isn't here to oppose him any longer. So, he thinks he can just come and tell me whatever he wants and expects me to believe him. But I'm not a fool.

"Sasuke?"

I look at him. Still not speaking.

"Were you listening to me?"

"I want to consult a different doctor. Someone who isn't from this hospital. Someone you don't know at all."

"What are you trying to say?" he frowns.

"And even if they tell me that I can no longer play tennis, I'll still not do anything even remotely related to medicine."

His frown deepens.

"You think if you destroy my dream then I'll go ahead and pick up the one _you_ prepared for me? You're wrong! I'll go ahead and find myself a new one. If you demolish that one as well, then another one. I'll keep doing that for the rest of my life but I'll never bend to you and your dirty tricks."

He stares at me for a long time with his hands crossed over his chest. Then I see a hint of a painful smile on his lips.

"You've really grown up. Haven't you, Sasuke?" Well, I have to admit that _this_ wasn't the reaction I was expecting.

"Feel free to consult any doctor you want. You can ask your coach and physiotherapist. They might be able to help you," and with that, he starts to leave. But he stops after three steps and speaks again, "Meanwhile, I'll be trying everything  _I_  can." 

"Why?" I manage to ask just before he's about to exit the room.

Why'd you do that? Haven't you always hated my career choice? Weren't you always against it? Why'd you try to help me now?

He stops but doesn't turn back.

"Because you're my son."

What? I've been your son for nineteen years now. Have never seen you care about that. What is with this sudden father son thing? Where was it when I really needed it?

"Mikoto... always asked me to support you… As a father is supposed to support his son…"

And yet you never did. You didn't even care about being a father. All you cared about was being the president of this hospital, about being the head of the prestigious Uchiha family.

"But I never did…"

I'm glad you at least admitted it.

"When you were eight and I asked you to give up tennis, she confronted me about it…"

I know that already. There's not a day I don't thank her for that.

"And Itachi…"

Itachi? What about him?

"He was just thirteen then… but he said to me… _"Let Sasuke play tennis. He looks really happy when he plays. He loves that game. Don't make him give it up. I will inherit your hospital. I will become the successor you need."_ …"

What?

Itachi did _what_? There's no way! There's no way! It's impossible!

When did he even watch me play? I never had any knowledge of it!

"Mikoto had been having some issues with her heart, but she didn't want you to know. She knew you'd be worried…"

What is he talking about? None of it makes sense!

"When she had that arrest, she sent you that message first… why do you think she did that?" with that, he finally turns towards me. And I see something in his eyes. Something I've never seen before. Something so human, something that can only be seen in the eyes of someone who truly, genuinely _cares_.

"She didn't trust me with your dreams… that's why she felt the need to do it herself while she could…"

What?

"If only she had contacted Itachi first…"

"Even if she had, I don't think you'd have been able to save her."

Why am I even trying to lighten his burden? I _despise_ this man! I've _always_ despised this man. Then why?

Hell if I knew!

He stares at me for a while. It seems like even he cannot accept what I'm doing.

"Mom wouldn't like it."

That's what Sakura told me. And I believe she was right.

Mom loved my father. I know that. Whenever I complained to her about father not caring about me, she'd always explain to me how much he loved me and cared for me. I don't know if those words were just lies said to put my heart at ease, but what I know for sure is that _she loved him_. And she wanted me to love him as well. She wouldn't like to see him blaming himself like this.

"She didn't try to contact me at all…" he speaks with a voice that I think is starting to shake.

I get it. And suddenly I feel really bad for him. I swear I've never pitied anyone more.

Because right now in front of me, all I can see is a broken man.

A man who fell in love with a woman. But didn't know the right way to treasure her. He tried. Maybe in his own, twisted way. But he did try.

And he failed. Miserably. He became the successor in order to be recognised as a worthy husband. But he became so engrossed with his newfound role that he forgot what being a husband really meant. He became a great doctor, the president of the most prestigious hospital in the country for over a century. But at the cost of what? He lost the faith of the woman from whom it had all began.

"And… Itachi as well…"

Yes. He also had a son who, at the age of thirteen, realised that to him, a successor was more important than a son. And vowed to become one. And he ended up…

Dead.

And both of them abandoned him during their last moments. At least that's how he sees it. Instead, they chose to protect me and my dreams. Because they didn't have faith in him.

He messed up. He messed up so bad.

How strange! I've loathed him for years. And for good reasons. I still believe he deserved that. But now that I finally understand his position, I can't help feeling sorry for him. I want to hate him. I _should_ hate him. But for some reason unknown, I'm unable to do that. Just how can you hate a person who you know has become a failure in his own eyes?

"So… I'll do everything I can for you. Even if you don't want me to."

And somehow, it makes me happy. I know he's doing it because of his own guilty conscience. I am his last chance. He has failed twice. So, he's just trying to succeed this time so that he can feel a little at ease. But still… this is the first time my father is doing something for me in a way that a father is supposed to do for his child. And I feel a lump forming in my throat.

"I'll be meeting someone tomorrow. With all your reports… It's okay if you don't want my help… I just want to make sure-"

"I will."

He looks at me, a little surprised.

"You're a revered doctor," that he is, I guess all those years of being a failure of a family man paid to some extent. "I believe your connections are reliable. I'll give it a try."

.

.

.

She smiles at me as she takes the seat beside my bed after placing the flowers in the vase.

"Sorry I'm late."

Yeah, for the third day in a row. But I guess I shouldn't complain. You're very busy right now. 

"I'm really busy these days, honestly."

Like I said, or _thought_ , you're busy. I already know that. You don't have to rub it in my face that you're an excellent artist, your mentor's favourite disciple, too busy to make time to visit your pathetic boyfriend stuck inside a hospital room.

"Are you even listening to me, Sasuke?" she pouts a little. And she still looks so beautiful even when she's this exhausted.

"Hn."

"You won't believe what happened today-"

You think I care? You really think I care about some stupid artist you got to meet today? Shouldn't you be asking _me_ about _my_ condition? Shouldn't you be worried about the fact that my career is  likely to be over? I know I didn't tell you, but shouldn't you notice that something's wrong with me? Do you even care? Or are you too blinded by your success? You're not even a successful artist yet. If this is your attitude now, what are you going to do when you actually become one?

"You really aren't listening to me, Sasuke."

Of course I'm not. Because I don't care.

"Sasuke?"

"Get out."

"What?" she looks as shocked as she sounds. And she still looks pain-strikingly beautiful. Such a beautiful, such a talented and successful girl you are; why'd you be with me? Now that I'm no longer any good.

You will leave me. Better sooner than later.

"Get. Out."

She doesn't say anything. Just looks at me. Her beautiful, green eyes widened and filled with tears. But that isn't going to work on me right now.

"What's wrong with you?"

Seriously? You _finally_ took notice? So generous of you, Sakura!

"Why are you behaving like this, Sasuke? Why are you mad at me?"

I lose my patience.

"Just get the hell out of here, Sakura," and with that, I grab the expensive flower vase from the bedside table and throw it at the wall.

As the sound of the stone shattering into pieces enters my ears, I feel my rage calming down. And that's when I realise what I've done.

Horrified, I look at Sakura. And there I see the one thing I had never wanted to see in her eyes for me.

Fear.

She's _afraid_ of me. Sakura is afraid of _me_.

I hang my head. I don't know exactly how much time passes like this before I hear the rustling of her clothes. I lift my head; I see her getting up from her chair and starting to leave without uttering another sound. I want to call her back. I want to apologise.

I'm sorry, Sakura. I'm very sorry. Please don't be afraid of me. Trust me, I'll never hurt you. I'll never raise my hand against you. To be honest, I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at myself. At my pathetic self. It's not you. It's me. It's all about me. I'm so miserable right now. I just wanted you to see that. I just wanted to be comforted by you. I didn't mean to scare you. Please, believe me, Sakura.

I see her reaching the door. It seems to me like everything's happening in slow motion. I contemplate calling her back. I contemplate explaining everything to her. I'm sure she'll understand. She is Sakura after all.

"Sak-"

"I get it."

What?!

"Well, congratulations, Sasuke, you did it!" she turns back with an expression I didn't think I'd ever see on her face. Such a vile expression doesn't suit her. "You really made me take _all_ my guards down. You were the first one. Even Ino didn't manage it to that extent."

"What are you-"

"Were they even real? All the heart-breaking stories you told me about your family? Cause all I see is the son of a rich hospital president getting VIP treatment from his daddy," she gives a twisted smile.

"Sakura-"

"You really do love challenges. Is _that_ why you chose me? Because I was hard to obtain? Then, enjoy. You won!"

I stare at her. Utterly dumbfounded.

"But you know what, Sasuke?" she takes a step towards my bed but stops right there, " _I_ didn't get a thing from it. Don't you think it's kind of unfair? You could at least pay me for my services. You see, you're rich and I'm broke. I could really use some money."

"What are you… what are you talking about?" my voice shakes. What is she getting at? I know that  _I_ am the one at fault. But what is she saying? Why is she saying these things?

"Come on, Sasuke, you admitted that you enjoyed fucking me. If for nothing else, then you can at least pay me for my good services as a whore, can't you?"

"STOP IT, Sakura."

I can feel my whole body shaking. Are those her real feelings? Does she mean what she's saying? Does she, really?

She's standing there, glaring at me, her chest rising and falling rapidly.Then, she turns around and before I can utter another sound, she's gone.

And I realise what I just did. What she just did. What _we_ just did.


	17. Collapse

It's good for me.

Yes. It totally is. I'm home before 8:00 for the first time in three days. Now, I can have a shower and eat dinner and go to sleep early. Tonight, I'll finally get enough sleep.

.

.

.

As I go to bed and set the alarm for 5 am once again, I can't help getting mad at Sasuke.

Does he have any idea how difficult it has been for me to visit him these days?

No. He doesn't. He doesn't because I didn't tell him. I didn't want him to think I'm doing him a _favour_ by making time to visit him every day in spite of my hectic schedule.

So, I never told him that apart from attending my classes, I rush here and there all day, helping Tsunade with the preparations from early morning till late in the evening. Then, I can't even manage to go home because I'll be late. I just buy a sandwich from the cafeteria and run for the bus stop while munching on it. Because I'm not rich enough to afford a taxi ride every day. And the bus is really crowded at that hour. So, I have to stand all the way and have to make sure I find a spot near the outer fringe of the crowd so that I don't pass out and create a scene. Then, as I get off the bus, I literally run to the nearby flower shop to buy flowers before finally going to meet him. And after seeing him, on my way home from the hospital, I fall asleep in the bus because I'm so fucking tired. When I finally get back home, I have to actually drag my exhausted body to the shower and I can't even tell what I eat before ultimately throwing myself to the bed only to repeat the same routine the next day.

And then, he goes ahead and acts like that! How dare he?!

* * *

I have no idea what to think. Sakura's words are still ringing in my ears.

_'Is that why you chose me? Because I was hard to obtain?'_

How can she even say such things? After all this time, after everything that we shared together, how can she even entertain the idea that I might have seen her as some sort of a prize to win?

And if only that was the worst thing she said!

_'Come on, Sasuke, you admitted that you enjoyed fucking me. If for nothing else, then you can at least pay me for my good services as a whore, can't you?'_

Even if I could forget everything else, I can never forget those words. She could have slapped me on the face and that wouldn't have hurt me to this extent.

_'…you can at least pay me for my good services as a whore, can't you?'_

Just how could she?

I know I was wrong. I got mad and lost my calm. I know it. But I was ready to apologise. I was about to. But…

She didn't even give me the chance.

Just one mistake, just one mistake, and she forgot everything… Every single thing that has transpired between us. She reached that conclusion so easily! Was that _all_ our relationship had meant to her?

* * *

I check my phone once again. Not a call. Not a message. Nothing. So, he wants _me_ to initiate contact?

Why would I? _He_ 's the one who started it. _He_ yelled at me to get out. _He_ broke the vase. So, why me? I won't call him first. 

.

.

.

I see. In the end, he decided not to contact me at all. Good. I'm not calling him either. And of course I'm not going to visit him today. He asked me to get out.

_'Just get the hell out of here, Sakura.'_

I listened to him. I got out. And I'm not going back in there until I'm asked to.

I'm going straight home, taking a shower, making myself some delicious dinner and sleeping like a log.

* * *

She didn't come today. She really didn't. I didn't think she'd go that far. But who can tell?

People are really weird. You think you know them based on what you've seen. But then, they come out and show a side of themselves that leaves you dumbfounded.

But is that really abnormal? Sometimes, even _we_ don't know about certain aspects of ourselves. Then, something happens and we act in a way we've never done before.

There's so much to us. We barely know. We discover new sides of ourselves as we live. And we only show a certain fraction of it to others.

How much can we actually know about another person?

How much is there about Sakura that she didn't show me? How much is there about me that I didn't show her?

And not intentionally.

* * *

He still didn't contact me. Even after I didn't go to see him yesterday. He really is adamant.

I can call Naruto and ask him. Maybe he has talked to Naruto?

But then again, what if he hasn't? Like, I haven't told Ino or any of my friends about the incident. And if he hasn't, then I don't want to be the one to tell Naruto. Then Naruto will contact him and ask him about it. And he'd think I'm dying for him and am trying to secretly keep track of him through Naruto.

No. It definitely isn't a good idea.

* * *

In the end, I didn't get to tell her that I'm being released today. I would have, if only she had come to see me. Or, if she had contacted me at least. But she did neither.

She said those unforgivable things and left just like that. Didn't even give me a chance to explain myself.

I wouldn't have tried to justify my actions. No. I'm brave enough to admit my wrongdoings. But at least, I could've told her what had triggered me to act like that in the first place.

But she just didn't care. And she still doesn't look like she does. Maybe she really _did_ mean the words she said before leaving.

_'You can at least pay me for my good services as a whore, can't you?'_

If she really thinks that that's all she is to me, if she really thinks that I've just been using her to satisfy my sexual desires….

But how can she?

She knows she's the first woman I've ever been physically intimate with? Every time I kissed her, every time I held her, every time I made love to her, didn't she feel it? Didn't she feel what it meant to me?

Apparently not. She didn't even think of it as making love. She called it _fucking_. Just raw, mindless _fucking_.

_'You admitted that you enjoyed fucking me.'_

"We're here, Master Sasuke."

"Just Sasuke is fine."

Seriously, I can't take it. 'Master' is too much. Driver or whoever, I don't want to be addressed like that by anyone. It makes me feel really uncomfortable.

I get out of the car and take a look around. It's been more than a year since I last set foot here. My home, my childhood home, the place where I grew up. I should be happy to be back here.

But I'm not.

Because now that I look at it, all I can feel is emptiness. Mom would never return here ever again. Neither would Itachi. This house right now stands as a horrible reminder of what once was. And what never will be. This is no longer my home.

Then... Where is my home?

I immediately think of a small flat with a single bedroom. Untidy and messy, crammed with things in every possible place to an extent that if you want to sit down, you have to first make an effort and clean some items out of the way. But none of it matters. Because what makes that place special is the figure of a skinny girl in baggy clothes and with pink hair, running here and there around that small space and talking cheerfully all the time.

And I have a feeling that I'll never go back there ever again. Sakura has never felt more out of reach than she does right now.

I get inside the house. My father said that the housekeeper comes once a week and that was yesterday. So, when I find my room neat and tidy just like it used to be when I lived here, I'm not surprised.

The first thing I check is the framed photo of Mom and me on my table. We took it when I won a championship. I was around nine or ten at that time. Mom is smiling in it. And I am, too. Because back then, me smiling wasn't such an impossible idea.

I pick it up to observe it properly. Why didn't I take it with me when I left for college? I wonder. But it doesn't matter anymore. Because with the way things are right now, I'm not likely to go back there anytime soon. Or in the worst case scenario, never.

And for some reason, it doesn't hurt. Not anymore.

When I heard it for the first time, I did what a normal person does when he hears such a news. I tried to deny it. I got mad at my father, I accused him of trying to manipulate me. But it was just me trying to run away from the truth. Because it was painful. l couldn't accept that all my dreams, all my hopes were crumbling down like a house of cards. One moment it was there, and the next, it was gone. Just like that.

But now, I've slowly come to accept it. It hurts. It hurts but it is the reality. I can't run away from it any longer. No. I _shouldn't_ run away. Because in order to find a solution to any problem, first I have to admit that the problem _does_ exist.

.

.

.

I check the fridge after having a shower. It's literally empty; just a carton of milk and a few eggs. I pour myself a glass of milk.

I hear my phone ring. Did she finally call? I rush.

But it's only Naruto.

"Oi, Bastard, did you get home already?"

"Hn."

"I wish I could come to see you, but I still have practice to do," he complains.

"You should focus on your practice now. The championship starts Monday."

"I know. But I don't really feel motivated. Seriously."

"Why is that?"

"Isn't that obvious? Because you're not playing. You're my rival, Sasuke."

Most likely not anymore.

"You better get well soon. I can't wait to defeat you and get our scores even. Do you hear me, Bastard?"

"That's not going to happen."

"What did you say?" he yells so loudly that I have to move the phone away from my ears.

But what I said is true. It isn't going to happen. He isn't going to defeat me. Because the way things are right now, I might not be able to play ever again.

I feel my voice choking. Why _me_? Why did it have to be _me_? Why not anyone else but _me_? I worked so hard, since I was a little kid.

I never got along well with people. I didn't have friends at the kindergarten. But every day, when Mom would come pick me up, we'd walk home together; and as we'd pass by the tennis academy, I'd stop there, looking at the kids playing inside the nets.

Seeing that, Mom enrolled me there. She didn't expect me to become a professional tennis player or anything. She just hoped that I'd be able to make some friends. But that plan didn't really work. Instead of making friends, I started to love the game. Of all the things I've held dear in my life, tennis has been with me for the longest period.

But that's not all. Because Mom got me into this game, because she was always there, supporting me; whenever I'm playing, I feel connected to her. How can I ever make anyone understand what this game means to me? How can I make anyone understand exactly what I'm about to lose? I know I'm not the only one. There are so many like me. Promising youngsters, every hope of a successful future wiped away with a single injury. But just because there are other people suffering doesn't mean my sufferings can be downplayed just like that. 

"Oi? Sasuke? Where'd you go?"

Oh, right.

"What?"

"You stopped talking."

"You were yelling. So I was holding the phone away from my ears."

"How dare you ignore me like that?"

"Have you seen Sakura recently?"

"What? No. Our schedules don't really match. We're both busy these days. Why do you ask?"

Why? Because I need her. More than I've ever needed anyone or anything. I want her to hold me, I want her to tell me there'll be a way. That I'll find something. That my life isn't over. I need her so badly that it hurts.

"What's wrong with you? Why do you stop talking again and again?"

"Nothing really. Just remembered that I haven't seen her running around the campus in a while."

"She's _your_ girlfriend. Why'd _I_ be looking for her running around the campus? Just get well as soon as you can and resume stalking and whatever else you do with her."

"Hn."

I wish I could.

"Whatever, I'm hanging up now. Will talk later."

"Hn."

"What's with those replies? At least say goodbye properly."

"Get lost, Moron."

So, he didn't see her. And clearly, she didn't ask him about me either. If she had, he'd have told me when I mentioned her.

Am _I_ the only one? Am I the only one suffering because of this separation? Does she not even care?

_'You could at least pay me for my services. You see, you're rich and I'm broke. I could really use some money.'_

She really meant those words it seems.

.

.

.

I decide to go out to buy some tea. I can also buy some other food items to store in that painfully empty fridge. I can't go to crowded places. I can't risk injuring my shoulder again. But the neighbourhood store isn't crowded generally.

.

.

.

"Wooooah!"

It takes me a while but I finally come to recognise that loud voice. I turn around. Just as I thought. Karin.

"I never thought I'd see you around here again."

I don't reply. I don't feel it necessary.

"Oh. I'm sorry. I'm Uzumaki Karin. I live in the house next to yours."

I frown. Does she think it's funny?

"Wait a minute! What happened to you?" she points towards my sling.

"An accident."

"Oh!" she looks surprised. "Is that why you returned here?"

"Ah."

"I see. Where are you heading by the way? In that condition?"

"Why do I have to tell you?"

"One'd expect me to get hurt at that," she gives a twisted smile. "But after all these years of interacting with you, I have to say that I've gotten used to your shitty behaviour," she says while pushing her glasses to her nose.

"I'm going to the store."

"I see. I'm going to my friend's place."

Not that I care.

"Well, now that you're here, I might actually get to see you again."

I really hope you wouldn't.

"Bye."

I don't say anything in return.

.

.

.

The sudden knock almost startles me. I get up from the bed and open the door.

"I brought dinner. Come down and eat while it's still warm."

"Ah."

I didn't even know my father was back. Well, in  house as big as this, you can't really when someone comes or goes.

.

.

.

"That's bone broth."

I look at him across the table. What's that statement supposed to signify?

"It's for you."

Oh. I see. He brought bone broth for me because it'd help me recover. I have absolutely no idea how to react to that. I'm not accustomed to such fatherly affections. If this counts as affection in the first place.

I take a spoonful of the hot broth and swallow it. I try to focus on the food because it feels kind of weird. Did I just say kind of? It feels _extremely_ weird. Eating dinner with my father like this. 

Things were different before I left home. We didn't eat together. I ate when I wanted. So did him and Itachi. Now, sitting opposite him, eating dinner like this, just the two of us, I don't think I've ever been more uncomfortable.

"I brought some fruits as well. They're in the fridge"

Okay. I give him a small nod, trying to pay extra attention to my food.

"How's the pain?"

He isn't going to give up. Is he?

"Not bad."

"I see."

Silence again.

"What happened to the cook?" I say because at this point, I feel like I _should_ say something.

"I don't need a cook just for myself. I mostly eat outside."

And then it hits me. I remember the emptiness I had felt when I first turned up here this afternoon. And he has been living here, in this house, all by himself. And somehow I feel bad for him.

I try to come up with something to say. But I cannot.

.

.

.

I think about her as I lie on the bed. She didn't ask Naruto about me. Does she not care? But after everything she has done for me, that doesn't sound very convincing.

Then… why?

Why didn't she try to contact me even once? Why did she not visit me yesterday? Why did you do that, Sakura?

Did you find out about my situation? But how's that possible? I didn't tell anyone. Maybe my father did? Maybe he contacted the college and informed them about my condition?

Is that what happened, Sakura? Did you find that out and decided I'm no longer good enough for you?

I think about her.

Her unique, silky pink hair and bright green eyes; an exotic combination, her cheerful smile and playful smirks, the way she sticks her little pink tongue out when she does something funny, her constant blabbering, her excitement about the smallest things, her giggles, the way she pouts when she's offended, her body; small, soft and supple, writhing under me, face twisted in pleasure, her moans and mewls and her raspy voice when she begs me for more, the way she calls my name when she's about to reach her ecstasy, her naughty expressions when she takes the liberty to explore my body as she wishes, her gentle kisses when we're lying down; exhausted after our long love-making sessions.

No.

She called it fucking.

Fucking.

That's right. That's what she called it.

I sit up.

Who am I to make her feel like that? She's perfect. No. She's beyond that. She's everything I need.

But like she said, what does _she_ get from this arrangement of ours? What can _I_ offer her?

She told me, she literally begged me to not abuse her. And I vowed not to hurt her ever.

But what did I do?

I yelled at her. I took the flower vase with the flowers she had brought for me and smashed it. She leads a frugal life. She never buys flowers for herself. But she did for me. And what did she get in return?

I didn't ask her how her day was. I didn't care. All I could think was how self-centred she was; talking about herself. I didn't even tell her about my problem, but I wanted her to figure it out on her own. I got mad at her when she didn't. But in the end, it was me who was being self-centred. And self-conscious. I felt like I was inferior to her. I felt like she'd abandon me when she finds out that I no longer have a secured future.

Yes. It finally settles in my brain. I don't have a secured future. The sudden realisation hits me hard in the middle of the night inside my dark room.

I don't have a secured future. Shall I ever get to play again? I don't know. No-one does. What's gonna happen to me? I have no idea. I hang my head and grip my hair tightly in my hands; to the point that it hurts my scalp.

My future right now is full of uncertainties.

Sakura, on the other hand, has a very bright future ahead of her. And she has no one to support her. She's been fighting on her own. Since before she even met me. I have to keep that in mind.

There's a limit to how selfish a person can be. I have to understand what being with me will do to her now that I'm no good.

Yes. I'll only drag her down.

This feeling of inferiority that has started to take form in my brain, it'll not let me rest. I'll always feel insecure. Whenever she can't give me as much attention as I want, I'd think she's neglecting me. And it'd end up like it did that evening; at the hospital.

In the end, I will only hurt her.

As long as I feel inadequate, I can't be with her. Because that way, I'll end up hurting her. Although I don't want to.

But most of the times when people hurt others, it's not because they intend to do so. It's simply because they're trying to avoid getting hurt themselves. And haven't I already done something like that? When Itachi killed himself and I disappeared for a week.

_'You weren't doing it to hurt me. You were just trying your best to handle the pain.'_

She understood that. But just because she understood the reason behind my actions doesn't mean my actions didn't hurt her. They did.

_'I had to pretend like I was okay with it. I couldn't shout at you like 'Hey, Sasuke, can't you see how much I'm suffering?' because I knew you were suffering so much more than me.'_

I blamed my father for failing to fulfill his duties to my mother. Am I not doing the same thing? Maybe in a different way, but still…

Till now, I've taken pride in my decision making abilities. I thought I was great at it. I never take time to make a decision. I never falter.

But now I realise how wrong I have been.

Those weren't decisions. There weren't choices to be made. I already knew what I was going to do, the other options were irrelevant. What I thought as making the decision was merely me expressing what was already decided.

Decision is this. Where, no matter which way I go, I'll have to suffer. But still, I have to actually consider both options and decide which one to pick in the end.

As it turns out, I'm horrible at decision making.

* * *

I can't believe he didn't contact me. He really didn't. I'm fuming. Tomorrow is Saturday. I don't have classes. I still have to help Tsunade out but I can do that in the afternoon. The first thing I'm doing tomorrow is to go to the hospital and give Sasuke a piece of my mind. That jerk! How dare he? 

.

.

.

"He was _what_?" I can't believe what I'm hearing.

"He was released yesterday. He went back home."

How does that make sense? Sasuke was released yesterday and he didn't even feel it necessary to tell me? Isn't this going a little too far?

I get outside the hospital and call him. Yes. Finally, I'm calling him. And he's going to regret making me do this.

The phone rings. It keeps ringing. And he doesn't pick up.

I call again.

And again.

What am I supposed to do now?

I look at the flowers in my hand. And suddenly I feel so angry. I stomp to the nearby bin and throw them there with all the strength I can muster.

"That Bastard!"

The people on the busy road look at me. As if I care!

How dare he? He yelled at me, he broke the vase with the flowers I had brought him. When I left, he didn't even stop me, he didn't even try. After that, he didn't even contact me. Even when I didn't come to see him the next day. And he didn't even tell me he was released and was going home. And now that I've made a fool out of myself so early in the morning, coming here to see him, he doesn't even pick up my phone. How dare he?

I look at the colourful flowers in the bin. Yellow, orange, pink and purple. They look like they're mocking me. I pick them up and break the stems and tear away the petals. Then I throw them back into the bin and walk towards the bus stop. Why did I even bother wasting my money like that? Someone in my place shouldn't be spending money after fancy flowers in the first place.

I was so mad at him. But I still tried. I did my part. Now I won't anymore. If he thinks it necessary, he'd have to be the one to reach out to me.

* * *

I stare at the phone as it rings.

Sakura.

It's the name I've been dying to see for the past two days. And even now, I want to pick it up. I want to hear her voice once more.

But… I can't do that. It's no good. I've already decided.

The phone stops ringing.

I take a sigh of relief.

It starts ringing. Again. I don't pick it up. Again. It stops ringing. Again.

But she calls again.

Stop it, Sakura. Don't tempt me. I'm doing this for you as well. Please, try to understand.

The phone stops ringing. And I wait for her to call again.

But she doesn't.

I sit on my bed, staring at the phone for who knows how long. But Sakura doesn't call again.


	18. Closure

When a person is drowning and someone tries to rescue them, they tend to hold onto the rescuer too tightly. Often, in the end, the tragic outcome being both of them getting drowned.

So, isn't it wiser to let the rescuer survive? Isn't it better to drown by yourself? Since you're beyond any help anyway.

It definitely is. That's what I told myself. But why do I still suffer from this dilemma?

I thought making the decision was the difficult part. But it seems like I was wrong. The toughest challenge is _sticking to_ the decision. It's about having second thoughts every other moment and convincing yourself that what you're doing is the right thing to do.

"Why aren't you eating? Is anything wrong with the food?"

I look at the housekeeper at her sudden question. I didn't even notice her entering the room.

"I was just about to," I say as I take a bite of the buttered toast.

"Here," she passes me a bowl of freshly cut fruits.

"Thanks."

She leaves as quietly as she had come.

She has been our housekeeper since Mom's death. However, cooking was never among her chores. But now that I'm here and neither me nor my father is good at that, and because I need proper nutrition in my current situation, father asked her if she could be our cook for the time being. And luckily for us, she agreed. So, these days, she's been coming daily to take care of the kitchen. It's easier for me since I'm not comfortable with unknown people. Well, to be honest, I'm not completely comfortable with her either. But the good thing is she understands that and doesn't try to pry into my business. She just comes, does her job and leaves.

I take a look at the calendar. The championship is going on now and so is Sakura's exhibition. I hope she's doing well. Well, of course she is. She's Sakura. The Haruno Sakura everyone praises. How can she not do well?

I remember about Saturday's incident. It took everything in me to not pick up the phone. But I couldn't risk it.

If I hear her voice again, if I feel her presence again, I'm afraid I won't be able to let her go. So, this is the best for us.

This way, someday I might forget that she was even real. That everything that happened between us was real. Maybe I'll start to think of it all as a dream. One of the very vivid kind. Those whose effects linger on your mind long after you've woken up. My relationship with her was too good to be true after all.

But, still, it feels so hard to accept. Why am I secretly still hoping that she'd call again? Even when I know I won't pick up. I don't want _her_ to give me up. It's the epitome of hypocrisy.

* * *

I'm exhausted. Today has been hectic. Just like yesterday. Now, I just wanna go home, have a shower, eat dinner and sleep.

These days, I prefer being busy. I prefer exhausting myself to the point that I lose the energy to think. Because if I'm able to think, all my thoughts converge to him. And when it comes to him, I have no idea what to do. Or think.

At first, I was just mad at him. But now, I'm more confused. I still am mad. Of course I am. But I wish I could know his agenda.

What exactly is he thinking? Where is our relationship going?

Till Saturday, I thought of it as a lovers' quarrel. Our first fight, a really serious one though. But I thought that was it. That we'd see each other again, I'd yell at him for getting mad at me out of the blue and scaring me by breaking the vase like that. That he'd explain to me why he was so pissed that day. That in the end, we'd sort things out and make up again.

But not anymore.

 _What the fuck_ does he think he's doing?

I need answers. I feel the sudden urge to call Naruto and ask him. But it's late now and he's busy these days with the championship. I don't want to drag him into our problem like this.

What do I do?

* * *

It's been a while since I came home. I've already improved a lot. I no longer need to wear the sling which is a huge relief. I didn't like wearing it in the first place. It made me feel handicapped.

I go for a walk.

I haven't been around in a year. Not that I've missed this place or anything. As I amble down the roads, I can't even tell if anything has changed or not. But right now, there isn't much I can do. I just lost the two most important things to me; relying on which I was looking forward to my future. My life suddenly seems to have come to a standstill. I don't want to think about anything because it makes me feel like a void. I just want to do something. Anything that'd keep me busy enough to divert my attention from this chaos inside my head.

I didn't even notice when I arrived here. I didn't do it intentionally. But somehow, without my knowledge, this is where my feet ended up bringing me.

In front of the tennis academy.

As I stand here, looking at the kids practicing inside, I feel a pang of pain. Years ago, I was doing the same thing, standing in the same place. On the surface, it almost looks like things are still the same. But I know. I know that _nothing_ is the same anymore. Suddenly, I feel very tired. Completely exhausted. So, I turn around and leave.

* * *

The exhibition is finally over. From tomorrow, I won't have anything to keep myself busy with. And to make matters worse, it's Saturday tomorrow. I don't even have classes. What am I going to do?

In the end, Sasuke never tried to reach me. I did. I tried to see him and when that failed, I even tried to contact him. But in vain. And even after that humiliation, I still have been hoping that he'd call. I've been stealing glances at my phone whenever I get time. Maybe there'll be a missed call. Or a message. But no. Nothing. He just doesn't care.

I swear if I saw Sasuke now, I'd take it upon myself to break his other shoulder and leave him for good.

Or, well… just leave him for good. Because I don't like violence.

But I'm not a saint. Just because I'm trying my best to be a decent human being, doesn't mean I don't get mad when I'm hurt. I do. And I want to hurt back. It's very natural, like breathing. But then, I have to remind myself that it doesn't suit the person I'm trying to become. So, I stop myself.

I used to be so mad at my father after he broke my nose. I remember seeing him standing on the balcony one day, leaning over the railing. And I thought to myself how easy it'd be to push him off. To take my revenge. And I was really frustrated because if I did that, I'd end up in jail.

But then, I took a moment to picture it. The scene where I really have pushed him off and he has fallen down and… died. And I shivered at the idea of becoming a murderer. I immediately realised that it wasn't the police or anyone else restricting me. It was me. My conscience.

So, I had to let go of all the grudges. Because even if I held onto them, it was of no use. It only reminded me that I was his victim. So, I let go. Even though he never uttered a word about it. I forgave him even though he never asked for forgiveness. Because I didn't want to think of myself as a victim. But I'll never forget. I learnt my lesson. There's no way I'll ever give him another chance to hurt me again.

Compared to him, what did Sasuke do?

Sure, he trampled on my heart without giving a damn about my feelings; sure, he cut me off like I was never in his life to begin with; sure he tossed me aside like a worthless piece of trash; but… but… I refuse to remain his victim. I refuse to remain _anyone's_ victim. No matter who hurts me and how badly they hurt me, I'll not break. I made this promise to myself and I'll keep it.

Then what are these tears streaming down my face and drenching my t-shirt? Why do I cry for him? Why does it hurt so much?

Why, Sasuke? Just why? You, of all people, did this to me? I gave you everything I had. Everything. But it seems like my everything was nowhere near enough for you.

And I get it.

But it still hurts.

Did you have to do it like this? Couldn't you at least tell me? Don't you think I deserved that much? After everything that took place between the two of us?

You're so cruel, Sasuke! You just decided one day to start pretending like I never occupied even the smallest fraction of your heart. Like _we_ never happened.

I know that love alone can't be enough all the time. Sometimes you have to let go even if it breaks your heart because you know that in the end, that's what is good for both of you. If it was something like that, I would've accepted it no matter how hard it might've been. I thought you knew that I love you enough to let you go if that's what'd make you happy.

Therefore, Sasuke, what hurts me the most is not the fact that you tossed me aside. It's the realisation of how _easily_ you did it. With how little care.

I sink down onto the floor. The floor of my sitting room. Very close to the spot where he once had let me sleep on his leg. If by any miracle, I could look at this room back in that time, I'd see myself sleeping peacefully with my head on his lap. I wish I could turn back time.

I'm wearing just a thin cotton t-shirt and my knickers, and it's a little cold. But the emotional pain is so overwhelming, that it has rendered me unable to feel physical discomforts. I hug myself tightly, because now that you're no longer going to do that for me, I have to be there for myself. I wrap my arms around my body and fold my legs, bringing my knees close to my chest. And I cry.

Sasuke, in the end, my fears weren't baseless. We weren't really _equal_ in our relationship. I loved you with every cell of my being and you…

You threw me away without batting an eyelid. And here I am, crying for you pathetically. This is so unfair, Sasuke… So unfair.

.

.

.

"Hey, Sakura?"

Hn?

"Sakura?"

Who is it?

"Hey, you, big forehead girl!"

Ino?

I open my eyes to see her azure ones staring at me.

"Why on earth are you sleeping here? And wearing _that_? You'll catch a cold."

Oh! I fell asleep here? I was crying last night and…

"What's wrong with you, Sakura?" Ino frowns, suspiciously.

I gaze at her. Trying to figure out how to respond to her inquiries.

"You… you've been crying!"

Am I that easy to read?

"You've totally been crying. Your eyes are red and horribly puffy. _What on earth_ happened to you?"

I still don't reply. I'm trying to decide where to start when my stomach grumbles. That reminds me. I didn't eat dinner last night.

"I need breakfast, Ino," I get up from the floor. "Did you eat already?"

"No. I called you twice and you weren't picking up. So, I thought you were still sleeping and came here to get my speaker."

"It's on the table in the bedroom."

I walk towards the kitchen. Getting busy poaching some eggs, making some toasts and frying some sausages.

"Make the coffee, Ino."

"Yeah."

I feel better. I feel much better. All the crying last night wasn't futile it seems.

.

.

.

"So, now," Ino raises an eyebrow, "Tell me why you were sleeping on the floor, crying," she says while taking a bite of her sausage.

"It was Sasuke," I say pretty nonchalantly as I take a sip of my coffee.

"Sasuke? What did he do? Did he fight with you?"

"No."

No he didn't. And I wish he did. Maybe then, we wouldn't have ended up like this.

"Then what?"

I think for a while. What do I tell her? The thing that happened between me and Sasuke, it's kind of complicated. How do I explain it to her?

"It's over, Ino," I finally say.

"Over?" Ino frowns. "What do you mean over?"

"Me and Sasuke. We are over."

"Wait a minute! How did it happen? When did it happen? You haven't even been visiting him this week because of the exhibition. Is that what got him mad? But you should explain it to him. He has to understand that you have a life independent of him and will not be able to give him your undivided attention all the time."

"Give me a chance to speak, will you?" I say as I dunk a corner of a toast into the poached egg. "I lied to you guys."

"What?"

"The reason I haven't been visiting him this week is because… he went back home."

Ino stares at me. Knitting her brows.

.

.

.

"So, what happens now?" she asks after I explain the whole incident to her. I don't hide anything. 

"What's there to happen? Weren't you listening, Ino? He hasn't tried to contact me even once."

"But, you two… everything was going so smoothly between you two."

"I thought that too, Ino. Things were going too well between us. It was too good to be true. Maybe too good to last."

It surprises me how easy it feels today compared to yesterday. The pain has eased to a great extent. It still hurts. Of course it does. But it's tolerable now.

* * *

Sakura never called again. I'm not saying that I expected her to. Not after what I did. She must hate me by now. Just hearing my name might make her blood boil. But I don't know what else I could've done.

Yes, I could've explained to her why I snapped that day. And initially I regretted that I didn't get the chance. But now that I think about it, it's better that way. Because if she knew, if only she knew, she'd never let me go. She loves me way too much.

Yes. She does. I get it now.

_'You really made me take all my guards down.'_

I get it now, Sakura. I thought you didn't care. But in reality, you cared too much. That was the reason you were hurt. Because you felt that I don't love you back. You felt betrayed. You felt like you gave me your everything, while in return, I just saw you as a sexual partner. I can see where you were coming from. Even during the months that we were together, in the end, I never even told you that I love you. Even though you said it to me so many times. So, it's totally justified for you to assume I don't really love you. I understand.

And I wish I could tell you how wrong you are. I wish I could tell you how much I love you, how much you mean to me. But Sakura, if I did that, you won't leave me.

And I'm a mess right now. I don't like myself anymore. If you stay with me, I might hurt you again. I don't want to hurt you. But the irony is that I'm still hurting you. Because the situation is so screwed up that not hurting you simply isn't an option.

So, I'm doing this to you. Because I think this way, your pain will be easier to heal. It'll leave you with less deep scars. You've been through so much already, you deserve happiness. You shouldn't have fallen in love with me. Because I'm a mess.

I want you to be happy. And you can't find happiness if you're with me. So, I have to do this.

* * *

"Seriously, Sakura, why are you even here? I thought you were here to spend time with me. But you aren't even lifting your face from that damn book."

"I don't think you have any right to complain," I look at her with a fake disappointment in my face and my voice. "You had your phone glued to your ear, talking to that idiotic boyfriend of yours for like half an hour. And on top of that, you groped my boob."

"I did not _grope_ you," Ino jumps; "I just mistakenly placed my hand on your boob. By mistake."

"You would've taken it away immediately if it was a mistake. You kept it on me for like ages."

"You're exaggerating! I didn't understand at first because I thought it was a pillow. But then I realised that pillows aren't so soft and as soon as I saw where my hand was, I removed it without wasting a second."

"I'm not buying it, Pig. I'm warning Sai today. He should know you have a thing for _soft_ boobs," I stick my tongue out and focus on that book again. 

Ino tries to attack me with a pillow but seeing how deep I am into that book, she gives up.

This past week has been much easier than I expected it to be; thanks to her. Ever since she found me on the floor a week ago, she hasn't left my side. Either she comes to my flat, or drags me to her dorm room. Sai and Shikamaru doesn't know it yet. They think I'm hanging out with Ino because Sasuke is away.

"But why are you reading that book again? Didn't you say it's full of pain and loss?"

"In certain ways, yes."

"Then why? Did you decide that there's an excessive amount of happiness in your life, so you wanted to borrow sufferings from a book?"

"You speak like those who hate this book for its so called _depressing_ themes."

"Of course I do. Why create extra sufferings by reading a book? Especially now; shouldn't you be looking for happy things instead of indulging in a book that doesn't even end well?"

"Well, when I was reading it for the first time, there were times when I asked myself why I was reading a book with so much agony."

"But you know what, Ino?" I put the bookmark inside the pages I was reading and close the book. "Things in life don't always go the way we want them to. And when painful things happen, there's no way to avoid them. We have to face them, we have to suffer and we have to survive. We can't just give up because we don't _like_ the way things are going. This book kind of helped me get that. And although in the end things didn't go according to my wishes, the ending wasn't really bad. There was hope. There was the indication of a new beginning. _That_ is the reason I'm reading it again now. The emotions of pain and loss, they _are_ real. Just like happiness. I can't deny their existence. You know, I've seen people complain about paintings not being pretty enough. When the fact is, they weren't necessarily supposed to be _pretty_. They were supposed to convey some feelings. Happiness or sorrow; doesn't matter. What matters is being able to connect to those feelings. Life in itself is very much like art. After all, art takes inspiration from life."

"You and your obsession with art. I can't believe your parents were so set on making you a lawyer."

I chuckle.

"Well, I'm leaving for now. Will see you in the evening."

"Yeah. We'll have one hell of a time."

"We will. And if Naruto wins the championship tomorrow, we'll have another party. So, if I were you, I won't overdo it tonight."

"You're underestimating me, Forehead. I could party for a week without any rest and I still won't get tired," she gives a very proud smile.

"Well, I believe you." 

* * *

I had wanted to avoid this. At any cost. I didn't want to set foot here ever again. But I didn't have a choice. I had to make things clear here. I had to inform them about my condition properly. And I couldn't at any cost, beg my father to take care of things on my behalf.

I selected today because it's the safest. She won't have classes on a Saturday. So unless I'm extremely unlucky, I won't have to face her. But that doesn't mean it'll be super easy. Her friends stay in the dorms. And they might know about the incident by now. I don't want to face them either. Because if I do, what can I possibly tell them?

I hope Naruto is busy practicing. After all, tomorrow is his final match. But he's the least of my worries. From our conversation last night, he doesn't know a thing about it. Sometimes being and idiot makes life so easy. 

The campus is rather empty at this hour. Typical Saturday afternoon. So far, I haven't had to encounter any unwanted people.

As I walk towards the front gate, I spot a small figure heading towards me on the pebbled path that goes through the campus. Still far away, but I'd recognise her from any distance. Anywhere. Anytime.

I stop immediately. Because suddenly, I don't know what to do. According to my calculations, I _am_ extremely unlucky today. But no matter how hard I've been trying to avoid this, I still can't bring myself to regret it.

She's wearing a long, loose white dress that stops a few inches above her ankles. A red shawl is loosely hugging her shoulders. Her white sandals are flat as always. Her hair isn't tied, so those long pink tresses are flowing in the wind. And there's something reddish in her left hand. I can't figure out what.

As she walks closer to me, all colourful and vibrant against the dismal background of the lonely afternoon, with falling leaves and an almost setting sun behind her, it looks like a symbolic representation of her appearance in my life all those months ago.

She once was mine. Mine to love. Mine to cherish. Mine to protect. She belonged to me.

She was there to hold me when I was broken. She offered me comfort when I needed it. We almost never did anything extra ordinary; just the mundane, daily things. But together with her, it felt so fulfilling. But now…

As she keeps getting closer to me, she doesn't lift her face even once. She keeps taking those small but lively steps while keeping her gaze fixed on the path. I can finally see that the red thing in her hand is a book.

It surprises me that she doesn't really look up. Has she already noticed me and is trying to avoid me?

I get my answer soon. A few feet away from me, she suddenly lifts her face. She sees me. Her eyes go big in surprise; even her lips part slightly. And she stops on her track immediately.

We stand face to face; I get the chance to observe her properly. I think she looks a little paler. A little tired. There are faint dark circles under her eyes.

Has she not been taking care of herself properly? I almost ask her before reminding myself that I don't have that right anymore. I had my chance and I let it go. I don't have the rights to complain. Moreover, most likely, _I_ am the reason she's suffering.

It feels to me like it's just us, secluded from the world. I don't have any idea how much time passes like this. The wind blows, making an unruly lock of pink hair fly in front of her face, obscuring her eyes, suddenly breaking our eye contact. And out of nowhere, an almost yellow, dried leaf comes floating in the breeze and gets stuck in her hair.

And it feels so painful that even a withered leaf has the right to touch her but I don't.

Sakura lifts her right arm and takes the leaf out of her hair, throwing it away. Then she tucks the stray lock behind her ear.

* * *

At first, I think it's my imagination. How can _he_ be here? How can Sasuke be here? Am I thinking about him so much that I'm starting to get illusions?

He looks almost perfect. Standing in front of me, with fragments of orange sunlight peeking on him through the gaps between the tree branches.

He's wearing a grey t-shirt with black trousers. His trainers are black as well with white laces. His black jacket has white linings, the zip is left open and the collar is almost reaching his sharp jawline. There's a small backpack hanging from his right shoulder. And matching his entire appearance, it's black and grey. All of these, combined with his dark black hair and eyes are making him look like a mysterious ranger; appearing out of a fantasy book. Pain-strikingly out of place against the otherwise monotonous background of a lazy afternoon.

It breaks my heart to recall how close we once were. And here we are now, merely a few steps away from each other but I know that the distance between us can no longer be traversed.

He looks exhausted. I can tell he isn't doing well. I want to ask him why that is. But I don't want to invade his privacy. We're over. Although he never said it to me explicitly, he made it very clear through his actions.

But I still care about him. And I refuse to be his victim. I'm determined to get over this damage. And this is my test.

So, I have to ignore the pain that stabs at my heart seeing him this close. I have to be strong. For myself.

* * *

Sakura straightens up her back and asks, "How's your injury?"

It takes me an eternity to process the fact that she's talking to me. How can she? Just how can she? After how I treated her? And it reminds me once again of why I didn't have the courage to face her in the first place. Because when I'm in front of her, it becomes almost impossible for me to keep my emotions in check. This petite girl wields a certain power over me that renders me unable to resist. How can I ever let go of her?

But I must. I remind myself. It's time to be rational, not visceral.

"Much better," I speak, taking extra care that my voice doesn't betray the storm raging inside me.

How are you doing, Sakura? Aren't you eating properly? Are you getting enough sleep? Are you over-exerting yourself once again?

But I can't ask any of these questions out loud. She mustn't know I care.

"Good to know," she smiles mildly.

Don't. Sakura, I beg you.

"What about rehab?"

"Not yet," I keep it terse. I don't wanna speak a single unnecessary word lest it'll expose my act to her.

"I see," she smiles again.

She's overdoing it today. I can tell. Why are you being so nice? You're mad at me. Let the frustrations come out. It'll make things easier for you. Why are you acting tough?

"I'll be transferring," I say in an attempt to convey to her that I'm abandoning her for good; "I won't be back here anymore."

She looks taken aback.

Good. Lash out at me. I deserve it. Please.

"Is it because of me?"

Huh?

"If it _is_ , then you don't have to do that. I won't come after you. I already told you once, Sasuke; I'm a proud person. The moment I realised you no longer wanted me, I accepted it. I know very well that feelings can't be forced. They're either there or not. As simple as that."

"It isn't because of you."

"Then… I guess… all the best for your future."

This hurts. I wanted her to scream at me, to slap me, to pull my hair, to scratch me, to ask me for an explanation, to create a scene. But not _this_. Her nonchalance hurts more than anything else.

"I just wish you had said it right at my face. After everything that happened between you and me, I deserved that much."

I stare at her. How do I tell her that I didn't have the courage to face her and officially end things between us? Because that'd mean me giving her up for real.

"But I'm not mad at you anymore. Whatever happened, happened. I was hurt, I cried a lot, but I'm doing better now," she gives a melancholic smile as she tucks another strand of hair behind her ears. "Just Sasuke, from the next time, consider the other person's feelings as well. You might no longer care, but out of respect for the time when things were mutual, at least give them a statement. Don't just toss them aside making it look like they never were a part of your life."

I'm absolutely speechless. I never expected her to act this way. So calm and composed. Speaking such meaningful words.

"You know, I still love you, Sasuke."

I almost forget to breathe.

"I'm not going to deny it. I _do_ love you. When I saw you here, I had the urge to run into your arms like I used to do before. But I didn't. Because you no longer reciprocate my feelings."

Are you kidding me, Sakura? Your bizarre actions always take me by surprise. But this is like the pinnacle of it.

"I have no control over my feelings. But I'm in complete control of how much I'll let them affect my actions. I'm strong enough to do that."

Yes. I know you're strong. I've always known that about you. And I'm glad you are. I don't want you to waste away because of an idiot like me.

"I wish you all the best, Sasuke. Get well soon and wherever you're transferring, know that I'm supporting you. No longer as your girlfriend, but always as a fan," she smiles.

She starts walking again. Closing the distance between us. But she stops after a few steps.

"Say, Sasuke, even though you no longer love me, suddenly seeing me here like this, doesn't it at least affect you a little bit? After all, you once _did_ love me. That I know for sure. Even you can't convince me otherwise."

What's with this nonsense? Weren't _you_ the one who said I saw you as a prize? Weren't _you_ the one who said I was using you like a _whore_?

She's looking at me, expecting an answer. 

"It doesn't."

"I see," she smiles pleasantly and resumes walking. She stops when she's standing right in front of me. Slowly, she lifts her right hand.

What is she doing?

On the other hand, this close proximity is making my heart go wild. She's so close, I want to grab her, pull her to myself and kiss her like crazy. I miss her so badly. I miss _us_.

She lifts her hand and without the slightest bit of hesitation, confidently places the palm upon my chest.

Exactly where my frantic heart is beating erratically.

This gesture takes me by so much surprise that I'm unable to move a muscle. I just stand there like a marble-statue, looking at her. And she, she doesn't even flinch. She holds my gaze with a majesty that leaves me awe-stricken.

A few seconds pass like this. I don't make any effort to shove her hand away. No. I _cannot_ make any effort. I'm not even sure I'm physically capable of moving anymore. So, I just stand there as I feel my pathetic lie crumbling down in front of her.

Then, slowly, she pulls her hand away, smiles sadly and says, "I feel a little better now."

With that, she passes me and without sparing me another glance, continues her journey towards the back gate, leaving me utterly flabbergasted here in the middle of the empty pathway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To Grognak, in case it makes you feel any better, I cried twice while writing this chapter :P  
> You are a very precious reader to me. I actually started this story on ffnet, I decided to use AO3 just as a back-up, much later. I thought I'd upload the chapters here slowly, when I get some spare time. It was supposed to be a back-up after all. But then, you started commenting on every single chapter. And now when I finish a new chapter, I upload it here on AO3 just after posting it on ffnet. I do it on the same day even if it's late at night. I do it because you are just as important to me as my other readers who wait for new updates from me. So, whenever I post the chapters here on AO3, I always think of you. Thank you for your support. Much love \\(^o^)/


	19. Liberation

Walking by, I take notice of the park.

I see the falling leaves, a few floating in the dry breeze, the yellowish look on the trees, and the setting sun in the background; it reminds me of another afternoon.

One very similar to this. And before I even know it, all those empty feelings start invading my heart once again.

It's strange. It's been two years. But I still remember that afternoon vividly. Every single detail of it.

Sometimes as you look at a scene, you know at that very moment that you're going to remember it. You know this scene is going to stay with you. Forever is an absurd concept; so let's say for a really long time. This scenario will be engraved in your memory and you'll be able to replay it over and over again as many times as you want and to re-live all the moments and feel all the emotions just the same.

And that afternoon is one such example. I still remember everything, exactly how she had looked against the background of that winter afternoon, exactly how the wind had blown, the exact way her shawl was wrapped around her narrow shoulders, the exact hue of her bright eyes. It's like a framed picture in my mind.

And I still remember the strong urge I had felt that day as I had watched her retreating back helplessly. With every small step she was taking, she was moving further away from me. From my life.

I almost ran to her. I wanted to stop her. To grab her by the arm and kiss her. I considered telling her everything and apologising for making her feel like she was nothing to me. I wanted to tell her exactly how much I still loved her. How much I still cared for her.

But in the end, my rational side won. I'm thankful for that. I was such a mess back then. Letting her go was the right thing to do. It didn't matter how much it hurt me.

As I came back home that afternoon, I ran straight to my room. I didn't even make it to the bed. I just tossed my bag away and dropped my exhausted body on the floor and... cried. I cried out loudly. I was literally screaming. Until then, I wasn't even aware I was capable of crying like that. All the emotions I had kept hardened up till then, melted into tears and I could no longer hold them in. I cried till late night. When I finally stopped, my t-shirt was dampened. My head was throbbing. That night, I fell asleep without even eating dinner. Screw recovery, I had just lost Sakura. I couldn't give two shits about anything else.

I had let go of Sakura. No one will ever know what that had meant to me. I had every right to break down.

Back then I had thought it'd be impossible for me to keep living like that. A life without Sakura had seemed unimaginable. I had thought I'd go crazy for sure.

But look at me now. I'm doing fine. I've learnt to live without her. I've grown accustomed to this life that she no longer is a part of. And it doesn't hurt as much as it once did.

No matter what people in films or books say, you can live without anyone. Literally  _anyone_. Regardless of how important that person was to you. If you're willing to live, you keep going on.

In the beginning, you feel miserable. That  _is_  true. The pain seems intolerable at first. It takes a great of effort to just drag your body out of the bed every morning. But the days accumulate, and if your desire to continue living is strong enough, you get over it. As you live every single day, you don't feel it that much. But one day, you suddenly realise how little it hurts compared to before.

I no longer spend my days lamenting about losing Sakura. She's a part of my past now. A closed chapter. So far, the best one in the story of my life. But no matter how much you like a certain chapter, if you keep reading it over and over again, you make no progress. You must move on to the next one even if it feels shitty. That's life.

Now, I don't even think of her everyday. Just occasionally. If I could meet my nineteen year old self now and tell him this, he wouldn't be able to believe it. Back then, she was all I could think about. I'd put so much extra effort to make myself forget about her that on the contrary, it'd make the task appear even more impossible.

But things are so different now. I'm completely over her. I didn't forget about her. Nothing about who she was and what she had meant to me back then. I just came in terms with the fact that she no longer is a part of my life. And I'm perfectly fine with it now.

Just except moments like this. When certain things remind me of her. And all those feelings, come rushing back to me. And it hurts again. I miss her again. It feels like it was just yesterday that we were standing face to face at the campus of Konoha College.

How does she look now? She's twenty one. I bet she's changed a lot. How's she doing? She was always a great student. Very hard-working. I'm sure she's doing fine.

I know I could ask Naruto. But I made her name a taboo between us the day he came to my house asking me for an explanation.

He had every right to be mad. I was supposed to be his best friend. I dropped out of college and didn't even inform him. And to add to his fury, I broke up with Sakura. He had grown really fond of her by then. My reason for quitting wasn't made public. But he found out anyway. And he yelled at me because it hadn't taken him too long to figure out the main reason I had ended things with Sakura. In the end, I had to threaten him with our friendship in order to make him shut his mouth.

I had already made the decision. I had let go of her. And such things can't be done partially. You either hold onto a person or let them go. There's nothing as pointless as giving up on someone and still lingering around them.

Sakura deserves to be happy. I hope she found that happiness. I don't want to know with whom. Because that idea still hurts. Imagining her in someone else's arms. Someone else holding her when she's broken…

I simply can't think about it. This idea is torturous. Even now.

I'll just assume she is doing fine. After all, the Sakura I know is a nineteen years old girl who loved the boy I was when I was nineteen. I have no business with the current twenty one years old one and who she's with.

I take out my iPod and play a song I've grown really fond of over the past two years. It's called  _Hold My Hand_. Sakura had called it her favourite song that night we made love under the moonlight. Now, I understand why. And yes, I still call it making love. Because that's what it was to me. Too bad she didn't understand.

As I start walking, the AirPods play the song into my ears.

And every time I listen to it, I can't help wondering about what could've been. What if we stayed together in spite of everything? Would it have gotten even messier? Or would she have taken care of me and healed me? But... it's not her responsibility to heal me. She shouldn't have to do that. She had her own fair share of problem. So... in the end, I still believe what I did was for the best. For me and for her. Or at least that's what I prefer to believe. Because it hurts less.

If I meet her again someday, how'd I react? How'd she react? Would she even recognise me? I know I'll recognise her at once. But I bet it'd be really uncomfortable. So, I just hope it never happens.

Let her remain the precious memory she is to me. There's no need to disturb it now.

Certain things aren't meant to last.

When everything's dark and there's a lightening in the sky, it helps you to find your way in the darkness. But that's supposed to be something very temporary; only lasting for a fraction of a moment. That was Sakura's part in my life. She was meant to be there for a really short time. But in that time, she guided me with her light.

And that much is enough to last me a lifetime. I'm no longer the insecure messy boy I was back then. I grew up. And I owe it all to her. Because she was the price I paid for it. There simply was no way I could let that go to waste. I had to get better. So that one day I could tell myself that letting her go was worth it no matter how excruciating it was.

And I think that time has finally arrived for me. I take a deep breath and start walking towards my house.

* * *

I'm running out of clean clothes to wear. So, I'll make good use of the Sunday that is tomorrow and do laundry. As I rummage through the horrible mess of unwashed clothes, I find something.

A t-shirt.

Dark blue in colour and too over-sized for me. That's because it doesn't belong to me. And I know who its actual owner is.

He disappeared from my life so hastily that he didn't even get the chance to organise things. That afternoon, as I returned home after our so called 'break-up', I was crying bitterly. As pathetic as it might've looked, I couldn't help it.

That was the day my world had come crashing down. I already knew it by then, but still… does knowing always help?

There are times when we know something, but still do our best to not accept it. Because the pain drives us crazy. So, we keep hope alive. We deliberately choose to live in denial. Because who likes to suffer? Is it wrong trying to get away from pain?

But that afternoon, it was the end of it.

I had even told him that I still loved him. And even at the moment I was uttering those words, I was completely aware how disgracefully desperate it sounded. But I didn't want to regret. I had wanted him to know in case there was still a little hope left. I had wanted him to know that if he had any intentions of stopping me, it was his chance.

But he didn't.

And it hurt.

My feet felt heavy. I wanted to stop right there. I wanted to turn back and run to him. To beg him to take me back.

But of course I didn't do any of those things.

Instead, I kept walking. My steps were faltering but I kept going.

And I realised at that time how wrong I had been.

Our paths didn't run parallel to each other. Rather, they were like those two straight lines who meet only once, and then diverge away from each other. That day indicated the beginning of that divergence. From then onwards, over the course of the past two years, the distance has kept growing. To the point that right now we have no idea about each other's life.

That afternoon, after coming home, I had gone to the washbasin to wash my face. And there I had seen his toothbrush. Maybe by then I should've thrown it away. But I hadn't. And it hurt.

That evening, I had packed every single one of his belongings and thrown them away. But somehow, this t-shirt had managed to survive.

And when I finally found it a few weeks later, by then, a lot of things had changed. I could no longer throw it away. I kept it as a token of the life we had shared at my small flat.

And there were nights when I had gone to bed wearing nothing but this t-shirt. I'd imagine the soft fabric brushing against his perfectly smooth skin. I'd try to smell it because to my delusional mind, it felt like Sasuke's scent was still lingering there. I even refused to wash it.

I smell it again now. Just like I expected. Nothing. I guess I should wash it after all this time.

I wonder how he's doing. I wonder why I never heard any news of him. Where exactly did he go? What is he doing? Is he with someone now?

It still hurts a little to imagine him with someone else. Although I no longer love him. I clearly don't. Because the current me doesn't even know the current him. But that nineteen year old girl is still alive somewhere deep inside my heart and she's still very much in love with the nineteen year old boy who meant the world to her.

It was fun. After all this time, when I can think back about it without turning into an emotional mess anymore, it was nice.

First loves aren't meant to last. Are they? Well, maybe for those who are extremely lucky. I clearly am not one of them.

But right now, there's no bitter feeling left. I'm doing fine. I learned from it. I grew from it. And that's what it was all about.

While we were still together, I couldn't even picture life without him. I used to think I wouldn't survive a day. Look at me now.

If I had a time machine, I'd go to my nineteen year old self and tell her  _'You'll be okay. You're much stronger than you think you are. Don't you worry.'_

I don't like to regret. I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe it happened in order to teach me that you can always come back. No matter how terribly you've been broken.

We were both young. We were ignorant. We messed up. But it was beautiful while it lasted.

As I throw the t-shirt into the pile of dirty clothes, Proton jumps out of nowhere. That reminds me. I haven't fed them yet.

After our break-up, I adopted these three. It was a bit difficult, getting involved with new responsibilities. But at times when you feel like you're too tired and broken, having someone to take care of gives you strength. When you feel like giving up because everything's so damn difficult, when you have no hope left, they remind you you can't. Because if you do, what'd happen to them?

People often think doing charity only benefits the recipient. But that couldn't be further from the truth. The joy of giving, the feeling of being needed, of being able to do something good for anyone no matter how insignificant it is, it gives you strength, it makes you feel worthy. It gives you another reason to live. It gives you the will to keep fighting.

.

.

.

I don't really feel like making anything fancy for dinner. I decide to just make some instant noodles. While chopping the spring onions, I think about Ino's idea back then.

She had asked me to find another boyfriend.

But I had refused. Because I knew it wouldn't work for me. I couldn't just go ahead and find someone to take Sasuke's place in my life.

No.

I had to get over it by myself. I had to heal the damage. I couldn't look for someone else to compensate for whatever I was lacking. I had to become complete by myself.

Besides, I still believe it was the main cause we fell out. Because the fact is, we were there, ready to fight battles on behalf of the other. But neither of us was ready to fight our own.

And the thing is, we are all fighting our own demons.

These demons are very specific to each person. No matter where you go, it goes with you. There's no running away from it. You must keep fighting in order to keep it at bay. And  _you_  are the only one who can do that. Because  _you_  are the only one who can see it. You can tell others all about it, but it never shows itself to them. Hence, anyone else, no matter how much they love you, can't defeat it for you.

In your battle, _you_ are the one who has to do the fighting. Others can only be a weapon. And a weapon is only as strong as the one wielding it.

I learned it the hard way.

I don't have any idea what made him fall out of love so suddenly. But I'm sure it had something to do with that evening at the hospital. That evening, when he had acted like that, if I had kept my calm, maybe things wouldn't have turned out the way they did.

It's not me blaming myself, but it's good to know your responsibilities in what happened. In order to ensure such things don't happen ever again.

It's not like he was acting like that throughout the entire duration of our relationship. When he burst out that evening, it would've been better if I had asked him the reason calmly.

But I didn't.

And the thing is, I  _couldn't_.

The me back then, wasn't capable of doing that. Before I could even think, I went into panic mode. It's a defence mechanism my body had developed since that night my father broke my nose. I'd start panicking the moment I'd hear the loud voice of a man; literally anywhere. I'd hear a couple arguing at a restaurant, and my heart would start beating fast. My palms would start sweating. I'd feel nervous. I wouldn't even get the time to process the fact that it wasn't happening to me. That I wasn't at any risk.

No.

I wouldn't get the time to think  _anything_.

It was very much like my fear of spiders. I'd see anything move, I'd feel anything brush against my skin, I'd get scared and scream. More than half of the time, it didn't even turn out to be a spider. What was scaring me wasn't the spider itself. It was  _the idea_  of seeing one. This idea was living inside my brain all the time, keeping me in a constant state of fear.

So, I did exactly what I had done in order to overcome my arachnophobia. I told myself, again and again to not let the fear get to me.

 _Don't allow yourself to go into the panic mode_.  _First, study the situation properly. Try to understand exactly how much at risk you are and then take the next step after thinking rationally. Because when you panic, it renders your body unable to do anything to make a difference._

I told myself that I can't live like that forever. That I can't live in this state of constant fear. That it was time for me to recover.

Trying to run away from your fears is very natural. But as the days pass, you get tired of this little game of hide and seek and there comes a point when you just decide to face it.

'Bring it on!'

And I did that.

I'm perfectly fine now. I'm a stronger and better person. And I owe it to him. Had I not met him and lost him, I never would've considered getting over my weaknesses.

Human beings aren't perfect. Everyone has moments they won't be proud of. The Sasuke I knew wouldn't be proud of what he did that evening.

People make mistakes. But if they realise their wrongdoing and take lessons from that, you can give them a second chance. Second chances are important. It allows human beings to be human.

Although in our case, he ended things before the need for one even arrived.

I'm older now. I'm more capable of thinking calmly before acting. I think I can call myself a complete person now. I think I'm ready for love again. Not like I'm going to search for a boyfriend. I don't think it works that way. But now, if I met someone, I think I'll be able to have a healthy relationship without the ghosts from my past haunting it.

I wonder about Sasuke though. Our circles are completely different. But still, we have our whole lives ahead of ourselves. What if I meet him someday? Completely out of the blue.

An unexpected encounter.

It wouldn't be our first one. But compared to what happened in the past, this time it'll be very different. Because back then, we were two strangers, meeting by chance. But right now, we're two people with history. Way too messy history. It'll be really awkward. After all, I think it's the best for both of us if we don't meet ever again.

I wish him happiness though. He was a damaged boy trying to avoid getting hurt. I hope whoever he is with gives him all the love he deserves.

.

.

.

I have to consider myself extremely lucky that I got to attend this exhibition. It's all thanks to Tsunade. Like so many other things are. She compensates for all the parental love and support I pined for while growing up but never had.

But right now, I'm feeling kind of pathetic. My heels are aching way too much. Listening to Ino and wearing these shoes was definitely a mistake.

_'You'll be going in Tsunade's car and returning in that as well. You won't even have to walk.'_

Who on earth knew that simply standing in these shoes would hurt this much?

I look around to find Tsunade deep in conversation with someone I don't know; I excuse myself and go to the hall outside.

No one else is here. I guess everyone is busy enjoying the exhibition. This mansion is really beautiful though. The white marble works are very detailed and demands attention. But right now, I'm not in a state to admire beauty. I need to take these damn heels off. But there's nothing in here where I can put my phone and purse. This is why I'm so obsessed with pockets!

I look around. Shall I just sit down on the floor and take them off? What if someone comes? How'd that look?

But hey, do I care?

Actually I do.

Not because of me. But because of Tsunade. The last thing I want to do is to embarrass her.

So, after thinking about it for a while, as a last resort, I lift the hem of my long red dress with my right hand while also holding the phone and the purse in it. Then, leaning forward while keeping my balance, I lift my right foot a little bit. And I try to take that red stiletto off with my left hand.

But as is to be expected, suddenly my equilibrium is disturbed and I'm about to fall down. I manage to avoid the embarrassing downfall somehow, but drop my phone and purse in the process. The purse falls in front of me but thanks to the polished marble floor, my phone slips far away.

Damn it!

But before I can even turn around to check where it went, I hear the clicking sound of footsteps approaching me. And someone speaks from my right side, "Do you need some help?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song mentioned: Hold My Hand by Michael Jackson and Akon.
> 
> I know some people found it weird how they broke up in the last chapter where a single call from either of them would have solved all the misunderstandings. That was my intention.
> 
> I had a friend I went to school with since we were five. He declared me his rival when we were still young and over the years we became close friends. And I've never been good at that. But somehow, with him it worked.
> 
> When we were nineteen, we had a disagreement. Just a difference of opinion. And we were mad at each other and we stopped talking. We didn't even have a fight. Days passed, it turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, his birthday passed, followed by mine, we didn't talk again. I deleted his contact number and broke contact with him every possible way.
> 
> It wasn't the disagreement that killed our friendship, it was our stubbornness that followed. That's the concept I've been trying to convey. What kills a relationship isn't the problem itself but what we make out of it. How both of us deal with it. We chose our pride and it cost us our friendship.


	20. Conciliation

I turn my head to look at the speaker.

It’s a girl of around my age. She has bright crimson hair and eyes of the same shade. She’s wearing a lavender coloured dress that stops a few inches above her knees and silver coloured strappy high heels. She’s looking really beautiful.

“I can hold them for you,” she smiles at me as she speaks.

The thing is, I'm not good at interacting with people. Never have been. But if the other party is friendly and outgoing, I can make it work.

“If you don’t mind,” I try to smile back.

“Of course not,” she beams. From her voice, I get a feeling that I've heard it before. But I don’t think I've ever met her.

I take the heels off and stand on the cold marble floor barefoot. Trying to relieve the pain.

“Thank you for helping me. Actually, I'm not accustomed to wearing heels. I generally don’t dress up like this.”

“Yeah. I wouldn’t have recognised you if not for your pink hair.”

Eh? _Recognised_ me? Wait a minute!

“You don't recognise me. I figured that already,” she laughs.

Okay. This is really awkward. And I still have no idea who she is.

“You’re Sakura. Aren’t you?”

She even knows my name?

I simply stare at her. Trying my best to recall if I've ever seen her before.

“We met once. Like two years ago. Does that ring a bell to you?”

Unfortunately, it doesn’t. But I find it embarrassing to admit. She remembers my name and I can't even remember where I saw her.

“I see,” she chuckles, “Never mind. You probably have no reasons to remember me.”

By that logic, you're not supposed to have any reasons to remember me either. But you clearly do. So, I don’t think that makes much sense. Unless…

I did something bad to her and she's holding a grudge against me?

“But I’ll never forget you. You're Sasuke’s girlfriend after all…”

She probably continues speaking after that but I stop listening.

Sasuke’s girlfriend.

I’m not Sasuke’s girlfriend. I once was. But we broke up two years ago.

Suddenly I remember where I've seen her. At that restaurant. Yes. She had come to us and talked to Sasuke about ‘finally finding a girlfriend.’

Yes! It’s her.

But what was her name again?

“Can't deny that I was jealous of you. Well, to be honest, I think I still am.”

I stare at her. A little taken aback by her blatant confession. I mean, who does that? We’re not even acquaintances!

‘That night, after returning home, I cried a lot,” she laughs as she says this. As if, this is something very funny. “I couldn’t accept the fact that he had a girlfriend now. You see, I’ve liked him since we were kids. But he never even cared. Then he goes to college and merely after two years, he is with you. Don’t you think it’s unfair?”

She's asking me.

What do I tell her? It doesn’t even cross my mind that I can simply inform her that me and Sasuke are no longer together and be done with this really weird conversation.

“You know, I asked myself

_What are the things she did for him that made him fall for her?_

_What did she do to deserve him more than I do?_

I despised you so much.”

This girl, who's claiming to despise me, appeared out of nowhere. Offering to help me. In fact, she's still holding my purse and my phone. I don't think I've ever been this confused in my entire life.

“But you know Sakura? It took me a while to realise, but I finally got it. It’s not you I should be mad it. It’s Sasuke. It was _him_ who never even considered giving me a chance. And the funny thing is, I still can't bring myself to hate him. Love is such a stupid emotion. Don’t you agree?”

“I do.”

I answer instantly. To my own surprise. But then again, I have my own reasons. Plenty of them.

“You agreed so readily,” even she looks surprised. “Whatever, in the end, I figured that I have no reasons to hold any grudge against you. You're just luckier than me. Certain people are just luckier than the others and if you try to ask why, there’s just no explanations.”

This girl is kind of weird. I mean, who talks to a complete stranger like this? 

“Like I was born in a rich family, where I've had everything money can possibly buy. And then there's another girl, born on the streets, not even sure she’d have food to eat tomorrow. Why is it that I'm not in her place and she isn’t in mine? What did _I_ do to deserve this?”

I stare at her. Why is she suddenly talking like an advocate for human rights?

“So, I decided not to be jealous of you anymore. And I don’t think it’s fair of me to simply say you're lucky because Sasuke loves you. There might be other boys who are in love with you and thinking _‘what did Sasuke do that I wouldn’t do for her?’_ ” she throws her head back as she laughs.

“I've always been afraid of this. Of seeing you again. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel. And seeing you here today, it really hurts. Every moment I'm spending with you, there’s a voice inside my head screaming ‘ _Sasuke chose her over you’_. For every smile I'm giving you, I’m having to stifle that voice. It’s exhausting. But I've decided… to not hate you,” she gives a smile that for the first time, can be recognised as a sad one. “And I don’t want to run away from you. That’s the reason I'm here, offering you my help. I want to be able to interact with you without feeling like I lost to you.”

“You don’t have to. Sasuke and I are not together anymore,” I finally tell her and it’s really irritating that I still have to explain this after two years of our break-up. But she clearly doesn’t know.

Her eyes go wide in surprise.

“What? Why?”

“Well… even I'm not sure why but to keep it simple, I got dumped,” I smile and reach my right hand for the purse and the mobile phone she's still holding.

“But… but why would he? I remember seeing you two back then at the restaurant. He looked so happy and peaceful. I mean, ever since his mom passed away, he has always looked like he wants to kill somebody. But that night, he looked so different. Why’d he break up with you?”

“Aren’t you supposed to be happy?”

“Why’d I be happy?” she frowns.

“I'm not his girlfriend. So, maybe you still have a chance.”

“As if,” she gives a twisted smile, “Besides, I want him to be happy and I believe he was happy when he was with you.”

What was her name again? I remember Sasuke telling me that all she wanted was to get into his pants. If I could, I’d tell him just how wrong he was.

“Well, whatever, at least now you know that I’m not that lucky girl you thought I am,” I laugh, “I don’t know who he is with now. I just hope he doesn’t dump her like he did with me. No reasons, no explanations, it hurt so bad.”

“I bet he isn’t dating anyone. Actually I’ve been wondering this whole time about how you two make it work. I mean he looks so busy all the time. He still hasn’t given up and is trying his best to make a comeback as a tennis player. I bet it’s difficult. And these days, I heard he's also studying something.”

“Comeback? Did he take a break?”

“You don’t know? Did you two break-up before the accident? My bad. I simply assumed it was after he moved back. Cause you see, long distance relationships can be difficult to maintain.”

“Excuse me, but which accident are you talking about?”

“The one he had two years ago. Where he damaged his shoulder and had to retire from tennis.”

He had to WHAT?

“Why are you reacting like this? Did you not know about his accident?”

“I did. But… he had to retire?”

“Sakura?”

Tsunade’s voice echoes in the hall.

“My professor is looking for me,” I tell her as I put those cursed stilettos back on; “Thank you for your help. It was nice talking to you. Would you mind telling me your name once again? I’m sorry I’ve forgotten.”

“It’s Karin. Uzumaki Karin.”

* * *

 “I already told you, Naruto. I’m not going. I don’t like repeating myself.”

“Why are you so stubborn? I told Sakura I’m going to invite you, but she didn’t react like this. She understands that both of you are important to me and I want both of you there.”

“Good for you she understands. I'm not going,” I stand up from the couch. Already heading upstairs to my room.

“Do you still love her? If you do, she too, hasn’t dated anyone since her break-up with you, you know?”

“Are you completely out of your mind?” I turn around.

I can't believe he really is saying this. After knowing everything, just how can he?

“If you’re really over her, then why are you refusing to come just because she’s gonna be there? I didn’t ask you to come last year, or the year before that. But since it’s my third year winning the championship in a row, everyone said the party has to be big. And I want my best friend there. Just come, spend some time and leave. There’s going to be other people. You don’t even have to interact with Sakura.”

“What if she wants to interact with me?”

“Seriously, Sasuke, in these two years, she has never once tried to ask me anything about you. I don’t think she cares anymore. She's completely over it.”

She is?

“I cannot.”

“Are you going to keep acting like this forever? Hinata and I are getting married after our graduation next year. You’ll not attend our wedding, our engagement party, anything? Because Sakura is definitely going to attend all of those. She's my friend and she’s one of Hinata’s closest friends.”

“Then you guessed it correctly. I’m not attending any of those.”

“That’s too much, Sasuke.”

“I don’t care. I AM NOT coming to your party. I’m happy for you, but that’s it. Now, leave.”

.

.

.

I lie on my bed, staring at the ceiling. And I ponder.

Am I really overreacting? I mean, is she really _that_ nonchalant about seeing me again? Am I the only one trying to run away?

Damn it!

I sit up and call Naruto. 

“What now?”

“I changed my mind. I’ll come.”

Yes. I can't be a coward and run away forever. I'm over her. I made sure. I totally did. So seeing her again shouldn’t be a problem anymore. And, yes, we had a proper closure that afternoon two years ago. She has no reasons to seek me anymore.

* * *

As soon as I get inside my flat, I call Naruto. I’ve been avoiding involving him in this for the past two years. But now, I need answers. Answers only he can give me. Well, technically he isn’t the only one, but the other person isn’t an available option right now.

“Hello, Sakura?”

“Naruto, I need to talk to you. It’s very important. So, either I'm coming to your room or you can come here. What would you like to do?”

“Are you alright, Sakura? You sound really alarmed!”

“I’m fine, Naruto. But I really really need to talk to you.”

“Well… actually, I’m not in my room. I went to… well, I went out. I'll go see you when I’m back.”

“Okay. But do come. It’s very important.”

“Yeah. I will. Don’t worry.”

I go to the shower intending to calm my head.

That accident, he had to retire from tennis because of that? Didn’t he say he was transferring? Was that a lie? How much of it was a lie?

Damn you, Sasuke!!! 

.

.

.

I jump out of my bed as I hear the doorbell ring. I've already tidied up my couch so that I can offer him a seat and start my interrogation without wasting a single moment.

“What’s the matter, Sakura? What do you want to talk about?” Naruto asks as he sits down.

“Listen, Naruto, I’ve avoided confronting you about this till now. But I no longer have a choice. So, please don’t lie,” I sit down on the stool facing him.

“Why are you being so serious? Honestly, you’re starting to scare me now,” he looks troubled as he runs his right hand through his spiky golden hair.

“Regarding Sasuke’s accident two years ago: what exactly happened?”

Naruto freezes immediately. His mouth half-open, blue eyes wide, golden eyebrows rising to the forehead. He almost looks like a character in a film who was in the middle of a conversation when you paused the film. He's utterly shocked. I get it. And I hate doing this to him. But I don’t know another way.

“Naruto?”

“What did you hear?” he sighs as he hangs his head. “I have to admit. I’ve always feared this day might come.”

As I wait for him to continue speaking, I feel my heart rate accelerating.

“I’m not going to lie to you. To be honest, I've always felt kind of guilty. I call you my friend. Yet I kept you in the dark in spite of knowing everything. But you never asked and Sasuke practically threatened me to not utter a word about it to you.”

He takes a pause and picks up the bottle from the coffee table. After gulping down some water, he resumes.

“That accident, after that, it looked like he couldn’t continue playing. At least, on a competitive level. That was the reason he dropped out.”

“He… didn’t transfer…”

“No. He lied to you.”

I have no idea how to deal with this new information.

“He lied to you because…” Naruto clenches his fists as he speaks, “Sasuke would kill me for telling you this but you deserve to know. He lied because he didn’t want to hurt you.”

Okay. I'm not sure how exactly that makes sense.

“Something happened between you two, right?”

“Something?” I scowl. Well,  _a lot of_ things happened between me and Sasuke. “Could you be more specific?”

“I don’t know. He never gave me the details. The only thing he said was that he had broken his promise to never hurt you. And that to make sure he doesn’t get a chance to do that again, he had to let go of you.”

What on earth is he talking about?

“I know what he did was wrong. And maybe I shouldn't have helped him keep it from you. Trust me, Sakura, I tried my best. I almost had a fight with a guy who was still in his recovery stage after a major accident. But he was determined. He just won’t listen. He said if you knew, you wouldn’t let him go. He said, you loved him too much to do that.”

That I did. He was right. But my question is…

“Naruto-”

“What?”

“Are you telling me that at the time he dumped me so cold-heartedly, he was still in love with me?”

“I've seen him _months_ after your break-up. Honestly speaking, _you_ were the one that surprised me. There were times when I’d ask myself if you even loved him as much as he loved you. But then, Sasuke isn’t someone to trust a person easily. He doesn’t see something bad in someone and goes hostile. He _is_ hostile. And you have to work really hard to convince him that he can let go of that hostility in front of you. For him to say you loved him too much for your own good: _that_ was what convinced me. I figured that you weren’t showing your vulnerabilities to me. Maybe because I'm his best friend.”

That’s not true. It wasn’t just _him_. I was acting tough. More than anyone else, I was acting in front of myself. Sometimes, the only way to make yourself believe something is to start with pretending first. That was all I could do back then. I would act strong in front of other people. Even Ino. The only person who saw right through me was Tsunade.

She said my emotions were showing in my arts. She said, one's art mirrors their feelings. And I couldn’t argue.

“I think I should leave now. It's late already. I finally told you the truth. I’m feeling much better now,” he gets up from the couch and starts walking towards the door.

“Naruto-”

“How has he been doing?”

My heart goes crazy, my voice shakes, I feel weak. I have cut him out of my life with much effort. Even during those days when I was feeling like the only way to live was to run to him and beg him to take me back, even then I managed to talk myself out of it. I told myself that nothing he does was any of my business anymore. Nothing.

So, having finally asked this question after all this time, I suddenly am nervous about the possible answer. 

He used to love that game with every cell of his being. He had so many dreams. I have my own share of dreams. They are what make life worth living. How does it feel to have all your dreams snatched away from you? What can possibly keep you going after that?

“He was devastated at first. As you’d expect. But he has improved. He went through another surgery and is still recovering. He still practices at the academy where he used to go. I really hope he can make a comeback. He has worked so hard.”

So do I. I, once again, find myself rooting for Sasuke. And it baffles me how easily I do it. It's like second nature to me.

“And he is also studying finance online.”

“That’s good.”

“It is.”

 I knew he was strong. When his dreams came crumbling down, he didn’t give up hope. He kept fighting. He tried to create other dreams too. If it was me, would I be able to manage that? Am I that strong?

“Oh. And Sasuke _is_ coming to my party. Actually, it’s his place I went to before.”

Naruto is looking at me. I know what he's trying to ask. _Am I okay with this?_ Now that I know the truth.

“I… well… I…” suddenly, I'm no longer sure whether I'm ready to see him yet.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to force yourself.”

“I’ll let you know. Thanks for understanding. This was way too unexpected.”

“I know. And I really am sorry for keeping it from you. I truly am.”

“You don’t have to be. It’s like you said. I never gave you a reason to tell me. So, it’s okay,” I give him a smile.

.

.

.

I feel hot tears streaming down my face as I take out an old sports magazine from my table. I open the page where the poster lies.

Kakashi’s autograph.

This was supposed to be very precious to me. Something to treasure carefully. And that, I have done so far.

But why? Why put so much value on a piece of glossy paper?

Because this paper has Kakashi’s autograph on it. And also a message he wrote especially for me.

But I've known since long ago that the value of this piece of paper has changed drastically from what it was the day I held it for the first time. 

I wipe my cheeks. This is disgusting! I thought I was done crying over him. So, why?

That afternoon, when I felt the beats of his racing heart, I was very confused. He was lying. Seeing me there did affect him. But I didn’t know how. Was it anger? Or disgust? Or simple excitement because of an unexpected turn of events?

Today, after two years, I finally got my answer.

And I don’t know how to feel about it.

Should I be happy that he still loved me? That I wasn’t a pathetic girl hopelessly in love with a boy who didn’t return her feelings?

Or should I be mad that he let go of me like that even though he loved me so much?

Being cold-hearted to someone you don’t care about is something. But being so heartless to someone you hold dear is something else.

.

.

.

“Hello?”

“Naruto?”

“What’s it, Sakura?”

“You acted as his friend and kept the truth from me for two years. Now, can you do something for me as _my_ friend?”

“What is it?”

“Please, don’t tell him I know. Or, have you already?”

“I haven’t.”

“Then please.”

There’s a lingering silence for a while before he asks, “Will you be coming to the party?”

“I will.”

“Then I definitely won’t.”

“What?”

“I don’t want to make it any more awkward between you two than it already is.”

“I see. Well, thank you I guess?”

“Oh, come on. I'm so glad you’ll be coming.”

“Me too,” I chuckle.

As I hang up the phone, a thousand thoughts start jostling inside my brain.

* * *

  _Don’t concern yourself with her_.

_Don’t look her way._

_Act calm and composed._

_Pretend like she isn’t even there._

I keep repeating these instructions to myself again and again as I reach the club.

I take a deep breath.

_You can do it._

And I finally step inside.

I look around the crowded semi-lit private booth filled with all sorts of noises. Hoping to find Naruto. Because I never got along with people to begin with. And besides, there literally are people here I'd do anything to avoid.

“Let’s make a toast,” someone screams from near the bar.

I turn around. It’s the ever enthusiastic Rock Lee. He sees me as well and shouts, “Oh, Sasuke!” and I feel everyone take a pause to turn around and look my way.

Shit!

I hate it.

“Wow! Bastard, you really did come,” Naruto sounds contented.

I did. And I'm already starting to question whether that was a wise decision.

In front of the bar where everyone is gathered together and raising their glasses, I see her.

I don’t allow my eyes to linger. But I've seen what I needed to see.

She has changed. That’s the first thing I notice. I guess that’s normal. After all, I'm seeing her after two years. That isn’t exactly a short period of time.

Her hair that used to be long back then, is now short. Just a few inches below her chin. That, I think is the most striking difference.

She's still pretty. Well, actually, I think she is prettier. She looks more mature now. She looks like a woman. She’s wearing a light green dress that compliments her pink hair and bright green eyes a little too well.

I immediately remember Naruto’s words.

_‘…she, too, hasn’t dated anyone since her break-up with you, you know?’_

And _why_ am I remembering this right now? I'm over her. I checked.

But then, what is this uncomfortable feeling inside my chest? It isn’t love. It can't be. We are literally strangers at this point.

But emotions are complicated. You can't just put them into separate boxes and label them. Sometimes, they get intertwined so intricately, you cannot make one out separately. No matter how cautiously you try, you simply cannot tug at one string without pulling the others along with it.

I don’t know how to define this strange feeling. But I know enough to know that keeping my distance from her is what’s best for me. And I focus on that.

I don’t touch alcohol tonight. I've never lost control before. But tonight isn’t the time to take any risk.

As the party goes on, I steal glances at her from time to time while sitting by myself at a corner. The way she smiles, the way she talks freely to everyone and laughs, she really is having fun. She isn’t hurting anymore. That’s a relief.

And for some reason, it also hurts a little to think that I no longer have a place in her life. To her, now I'm a nobody.

.

.

.

“My legs are hurting. Is there a place to sit?” suddenly I hear her voice.

“I see one in that corner,” someone speaks, indicating towards where I'm sitting.

Sakura takes a look. And our eyes meet for a fraction of a second before she looks away immediately.

“Ah, there. But I want to dance some more,” she says and continues dancing.

.

.

.

I never should have come. This party is nothing but a game of hide and seek for me. Having to constantly focus on not getting close to Sakura. This is anything but fun.

But still, I don’t regret coming. At least I got to see her. I got know that she's doing well. She survived the damage,

.

.

.

“Get closer, everybody, we need everyone in the frame.”

Damn it!

I’ve never liked taking photos. But well, Naruto literally dragged me and here I am. In the middle of the crowd and I have no idea how, but I ended up beside Sakura.

I do everything in my power to ensure I don’t touch her.

.

.

.

I keep sipping my mint tea standing beside the door. This spot is the best because no-one even bothers to look my way. Except for those who keep coming in and going out the door to use the facilities.

I see Sakura approaching out of the corner of my eye. But by now, I have somehow mastered the art of avoiding her. So, I don’t get too worked up. I keep my calm façade and continue drinking my tea while ignoring her completely.

She gets closer and my heart keeps beating faster. But thankfully I can keep it from showing on my face. Sakura gets near me and where she's supposed to walk straight out of the door, she ruins all my calculations and turns left. I finally lift my face to find her standing right in front of me.

“So, how are you these days?”

Excuse me?

I stare at her. She is talking to me.

Yes.

Me.

I'm literally the _only_ person here in this corner.

What?

But she’s asking me a question. Like you would normally ask someone if you met them after two years. And the fact is, no matter how hard I try, or how hard she tries, the history between us can't be erased.

“Fine,” I say flatly.

“I see,” she smiles. Her bright green eyes shining.

And suddenly I have this urge. I don’t know where this comes from. But I feel the need to say something. Anything.

She did it. She walked up to me and asked me a question. And we both know this question is just an excuse. She could have asked me the colour of the sky and it wouldn’t have mattered the slightest bit. Because it’s not about the question.

It’s about breaking the ice. And she's doing her part.

“How about you?” I ask calmly. Like this isn’t my first time talking to her in two years with her actually standing in front of me. Like my heart isn’t racing so fast inside my chest that it’s almost starting to frighten me.

“Good,” she nods as she smiles slightly.

And suddenly I feel like a heavy weight has been lifted off my chest. 


	21. Disruption

"So, how are you these days?"

I feel my heart hitting against my ribs violently as I stand in front of him; doing my best to make it look as casual as I can. Even going to the extent of offering a smile. As if, it's just a normal reunion between two old friends.

He stares at me for a while, the surprise evident in his expression. I get it. He didn't expect me to do this. And the thing is: neither did I. It took me a prolonged session of reasoning and counter-reasoning to finally come to this conclusion.

Just because something was good in the past doesn't mean you should want it back now. Doesn't make much sense. Because people change. So do the things they want.

Finding out why he broke up with me gave me mixed feelings. But at the end of the day, I don't want to be left with any bitterness regarding our past. Maybe it's just my extreme optimism that tries to look for the slightest amount of good in everything. After all, I want to make my life worth living. I want to be happy.

 _That_ was the reason I came up with this decision. And of course, seeing Sasuke here today reinforced that idea. The way he kept trying to avoid me made me really uncomfortable. I could feel his eyes on me at times. And of course, I have had my own fair share of stolen glances as well. I've seen how much he has changed in these two years. I guess that's the first thing you notice when you meet someone after a long time.

I can see that his once very spiky hair has been tamed to some extent. And that he looks a little taller now and his shoulders seem a bit broader.

And still, there are certain things about him that remain the same. Like how he's wearing a casual black t-shirt and ash coloured chinos. Or how he looks at everything like he is X-raying through it with his gaze.

I still had my doubts. Yes. I mean, he can do it too. Why does it have to be me? The logic _'It's been two years; there's no need to keep holding onto it anymore'_ applies to him as much as it does to me. So, if he is just going to pretend like he can't see me, why do _I_ have to act like an angel and make things better?

But I felt it when we all gathered together to take the photo. He was standing right beside me, just a few centimeters away. I could feel the tension in his muscles. I could see just how hard he was trying to make sure we don't make any physical contact.

That was the last straw. I couldn't take it anymore. I'm not saying we should get back together or start hanging out again. No. But when we happen to see each other on occasions like this, I want to be able to smile and say hello. I don't want this awkward game of stolen glances and avoiding each other.

But easier said than done. For every step I took towards him, I considered turning back. Even as I finally got near him, I felt like walking straight out of the door without even looking his way.

But I have to do this. For my sake. I can't take this weird tension anymore. As much as I love my pride, I just cannot stand this awkwardness.

"Fine."

He utters that one word, and I feel like I can finally breathe. He answered. He didn't walk away ignoring me. He literally gave me a reply.

But still, that's just half of it.

Maybe he's getting really irritated inside. I think it's better for me to leave. I mean, it's already late.

Yeah. I made it clear to him that I don't hold any grudges and am even able to exchange a few words. That's enough. I've done my part. Just as I'm about to take my leave, he speaks again.

"How about you?"

It takes me a while to process it. He is talking to me. And it isn't just _talking_ ; he's asking me a question. So that I _have to_ reply. He is returning my efforts.

"Good," I nod my head to put an extra emphasis on my answer.

And I can see the tension leaving him. I see his shoulders relaxing. And the breath he was holding coming out.

So, I did it.

No. _We_ did it. I was the one to take the initiative but he met me halfway.

But what now? What do I say now?

And suddenly I feel very awkward.

Say something.

But what? I have no idea. I look at Sasuke. He is staring back at me. I don't know how much he has changed in the past two years, but clearly he hasn't made much improvement when it comes to having conversations.

I decide that leaving is what's best for now.

"Well, I was leaving by the way. Have things to do tomorrow," I try my best to accompany it with a smile.

"Ah."

Ah?

Some things never change. Do they?

.

.

.

I can't believe I missed the bus. The next one doesn't come until 10:45. I check the time. 10:05 pm. I consider reserving a taxi. But I remember the extra amount of money I'll have to pay for that. Besides, it's late. The fare is going to be even higher. I guess I'll just wait.

I lean against the pole at the currently empty bus stop and take my phone out. Thanks to these gadgets, killing time isn't as difficult a challenge as it once used to be.

I play a song and put my earphones on. Closing my eyes, I try to enjoy the music.

I don't know why, Sasuke's face appears in my mind. I recall our awkward encounter from before. When we were in the relationship, Sasuke would talk to me freely. For hours at times. If anyone heard him talking to me, they wouldn't even be able to guess how bad he was in general when it came to conversing with people.

Maybe my assumption earlier was wrong. Maybe he still has someone he can talk freely to. Just... _I_ am no longer that person.

I know it should not hurt me anymore. But it does. It hurts to know that a place that once was saved solely for you and you alone, now belongs to someone else. After all, who wants to be replaced? That's one of the worst feelings ever.

We were lovers. But we started as friends. When we first got close, it wasn't as a boy and a girl, it was merely as two people. People with feelings and pains that they could only share with each other. When we broke up, we lost that friendship too.

"Can you hear me?"

Huh?

I open my eyes.

It's Sasuke. On his motorcycle. He says something but I can't hear him over the sound of the music. So, I pause the song.

"Why are you still here?"

"I missed the bus."

"When is the next one?"

"10:45."

"That's late."

"Yeah. But I can spend the time listening to songs on my phone," I smile.

"That's not what I meant."

Huh?

"You'll have to walk to your flat alone after getting off the bus."

"I have done it before."

In the past two years. Without you even knowing.

"Several times."

So, please don't start acting all concerned about my safety all of a sudden. It looks ridiculous.

He stares at me for a few moments before speaking again.

"I can drop you off."

"It's okay. You don't have to."

"I know I don't."

If it was a friend, I'd accept the offer readily. It'll be really convenient. I will get home much earlier.

But Sasuke isn't a friend. He's just my ex-boyfriend. There's no _us_ in the present, only in the past. Do you accept help from a stranger?

"You don't have to think so hard. It's on my way. I'll have to take that route anyway."

"Oh. Is that so?"

I see him raise his brow.

"I'll go with you then," I come up with a smile.

"Hn."

He offers me his helmet.

"Huh?"

"Wear it."

"What about you?"

"I have just one."

"Then you should wear it."

"No."

"But you are the one who'd be driving."

"I will be careful."

"Then I won't need it either."

"Just wear it," he says and puts the heavy black helmet on my head.

This sudden action takes me by surprise. He takes a look and says, "Good. Now, get on."

* * *

It feels strange. I have never seen Sakura being so quiet. She hasn't uttered a single word since she got on the motorcycle with me.

But I get it. I mean, just two hours ago I was trying my best to avoid her. And now here I am. Taking her home. It feels strange to me as well.

But the thing is, the moment she walked up to me and talked to me, something happened. Like I felt this weird sensation of freedom. Even _I_ am not sure how to describe it. It felt like I could breathe again after lacking air for a really long time.

And now, every moment, I can only think about how it used to be. Like even now, as we are heading towards her flat, with her sitting quietly behind me, I cannot help remembering all those times we'd go places on my motorcycle together. And she won't stop talking. She'd ask me about motorcycles. What's this? What's that? How do you change the gear? How do you accelerate? Which one is the brake? Blah blah blah. And I can't help wondering if she'd still be acting like that if we hadn't broken up.

Since I laid my eyes upon her this evening, I didn't like the uneasy feeling. I didn't want to hide away from her like a coward. But in the end, that was all I did. The fact is, when it comes to Sakura, I _indeed_ am a coward. I didn't even have the courage to look her in the eye.

Yet, neither did I have the courage to do something about it. It never even occurred to me that something could be done. All I thought about was escaping.

And once again, Sakura did the right thing. She tried to resolve the matter so that we don't have to run away from each other so awkwardly.

The thing is, I was sure I was over her. I was doing fine without her. I wasn't even thinking about her everyday as I used to do before.

But seeing her right in front of me, walking around and smiling, looking so lively, standing so close that I could touch her by merely reaching out my fingers, ruined everything. And as if that wasn't enough, she talked to me. Even offering her bright smile. And suddenly, I was so confused.

Seeing her again at the bus stop, I suddenly felt like it was my chance. I have never believed in things like destiny, but… I don't know. Sometimes things happen and you cannot help wondering. I've got this opportunity and I want to make good use of it. I want to do my part.

What am I expecting out of this? Where am I expecting this to take us? I don't have a single clue. Sometimes you act simply because you want to. It's all about the action itself. The consequences can go to hell.

"You still ride your motorcycle?"

"Hn?"

"That accident was pretty terrible."

It sure was. You don't even know its extent. The things it took away from me.

"Aren't you scared?"

"Not really. Mishaps can happen anytime. I could be taking a bus and that bus could be in an accident."

Silence.

As I take the turn she speaks again.

"Wait-"

But I know what she is going to say. So I don't even slow down.

"Sasuke, you don't have to-"

"Again, I know."

"I could just walk."

"You could."

But I came this far, I can go a little further. And there's no reason to let you know that it's not really the route I take to return home.

I stop the engine and she gets off.

"Thank you, Sasuke," she speaks softly as she returns the helmet.

"Ah."

"I'll go now. Good night."

"Night."

She smiles and turns back. I watch her climbing up the stairs. Waiting for her figure to finally disappear out of sight. Right now, I might look like the world's biggest joke. Dropping my ex-girlfriend home and staring at her retreating back this late at night. Makes no sense. And the thing is, I don't give two shits about _making sense._ I want to do this and I can. That's it.

Suddenly, she stops. And she turns back.

"Sasuke?"

"Hn?"

"Can you come in for a moment?"

What?

I stare at her. Trying to figure out what this is about.

"There's something I want to return to you."

As I step inside her flat once again after two years, it feels strange. She turns the lights on and I take a look around. Everything's exactly the same. Even the familiar scent is still lingering in here. As if the two years didn't pass at all.

Or maybe there are small changes. Changes I can't tell. The last time I was here, I didn't know it was my last time. So, I didn't make it a point to memorise every single detail.

"It's messy."

"Nothing new," I answer immediately and her green eyes go a little wide.

"That's true I guess," Sakura gives an awkward smile.

Silence.

"Do you want some water?"

"No. I am fine."

"I see," she looks a little uncomfortable.

"Oh, my babies! I missed you!" her sudden excitement almost startles me.

I see three cats running to her. I know them. Electron, Proton and Neutron. Since when are they living here? Whatever, if anything, I should be thanking them right now. For rescuing us from the extremely awkward situation.

"Shouldn't you be sleeping, huh?" she asks as she pets them.

How does she even tell them apart? They all look the same.

"Did you miss Mommy? Is that why you couldn't sleep? It's okay now. Mommy is home."

Still talking to cats, huh?

After showering them with some more affection, she finally looks at me.

"Wait here. I'll bring it."

What is it that she wants to give me? As I wait for her, I look around. This time knowing very well that it's going to be the last time. So, I make extra efforts to capture every single detail. As much as I can. The light green walls that have long lost the luster, the old yet very comfy red couch, the coffee table with the varnish worn off in several places...

I see an easel. With a painting. It looks really out of place here. The canvas is mostly covered with different hues of midnight blue. And in the middle, there's the moon. At least I'm guessing it's the moon. But the thing is: there are two. The second one is a little smaller and a little greenish in colour. While the original moon, let me call it the original moon for now, is much bigger and is silver in colour.

What is this painting about?

It has a strange feeling to it. I am no artist. I am not capable of appreciating the artistic details. But the longer I look at it, I feel an immense uneasiness. Still, it's also very captivating at the same time. Making it impossible for me to take my eyes off. There's something very enigmatic about this painting.

"Here," Sakura's voice distracts me.

She's back in the sitting room with a brown paper bag in her hand. As I take the bag from her, I peek inside.

"It's your t-shirt."

I didn't have any idea it was here. I left many things behind when I went back home. I never bothered looking for them. I didn't really care.

But the knowledge that Sakura had been keeping my t-shirt for the past two years somehow makes me happy. To the point that I am wishing she wasn't returning it. That way, a trace of me will stay with her. Because I cannot anymore.

"I washed it just two weeks ago. I couldn't decide what to do with it. I'm glad I am finally returning it to you," she smiles gently.

"You could have just thrown it away."

"Ah. Yes. I guess I could," she gives a tensed smile.

But you didn't. And I'm too afraid to ask why.

* * *

Please don't ask me why I didn't throw it away. Because I don't know. The idea didn't even occur to me. And it's strange. Because I threw the rest of your belongings away long ago.

"Thanks for returning it."

"No problem," I smile again.

I am smiling too much today. Because I'm not sure how else to deal with all this awkwardness.

"That painting," Sasuke points towards the easel, "Is that the moon?"

"Ah. Yes. The bigger one."

"And the smaller one?"

"The second moon."

Sasuke frowns.

"It's from a story. There are two moons in the sky."

"Is it that story where there's a parallel universe?"

"You've read it?" It's not every day that I find someone who has read the same books as me. And most people see Murakami's stories as too weird to make sense.

"No. You told me."

I did?

I try to remember. Yes, I really did tell him.

"I forgot."

"Hn."

"You see, the concept is _'Overhead, the two moons worked together to bathe the world in a strange light.'_ A line from the book."

Sasuke nods slightly.

"It's for an exhibition I will be taking part in. I'm almost done, just some finishing touches here and there. I'm going to finish tomorrow. The exhibition is next month. The curator has a very good reputation. So, I am very hopeful. And excited too. This is my first time getting invited to an exhibition. I already have several paintings ready, but if I can finish it properly, I'm going to submit this one."

It's the best. Blabbering about my painting and my upcoming exhibition. Because it's the safest topic now. Talking about anything else would be like walking on egg shells.

"That's good. Congratulations."

"Thank you."

"It's really beautiful," Sasuke says, looking back at the painting. "Very captivating."

"I know right? I mean not about my painting. But there's something very captivating about the moon. I really have a thing for the moonlight."

"I know," Sasuke speaks, looking at me with a straight face.

It takes me a few moments to recall that this guy in front of me is my ex-boyfriend and he knows very well, very very well about my fetish for the moonlight. And I feel my cheeks getting warm.

Bad move, Sakura. Very bad move. And suddenly, I find myself unable to come up with another topic.

"I'll be leaving now."

Huh?

Oh right. I don't need to come up with any topic. Because it's late and he has to leave. He isn't even supposed to be here in the first place. How did I forget that?

"Yeah, it's late."

"Hn."

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

* * *

I have a feeling that this was the biggest mistake of my life. I _should not_ have come to the party. And even though I did, I _should not_ have talked to Sakura. But… she spoke first, right? Not answering would have been extremely rude. So, that much was fine. But everything from then onwards bordered on extreme stupidity.

Why did I try to keep the conversation going? Why did I offer to drop her off? And most importantly, why on earth did I go inside her flat?

Two years of hard work. Two years.

I told myself that I got over her. I told myself that no one dies without anyone. And I still believe it to be true. I will not die without Sakura. I'll manage fine. I will live. And I will be happy even. I am sure of it.

But the point is…

If _she_ is with me, it'll be so much better. So so much better. I mean, there cannot even be any comparison.

* * *

As Sasuke leaves, I walk into the kitchen and take a water bottle out of the fridge. I empty half of its content without caring about how extremely cold it is and how it almost makes my teeth ache.

It was so intense. I was so nervous. I never imagined Sasuke being here ever again. And that too, this late with just the two of us. I don't even know why I asked him to come in. I mean, clearly, returning the t-shirt was just an excuse. I could lie to everyone else. But not to myself. If returning it was so important, I could have just given it back to Naruto. I got plenty of time to do that. But I never even considered it.

I just wanted to see Sasuke here in my flat once again. But why?

Maybe I was just trying to rewrite a sad chapter of my life. I don't even remember how he had left my flat the last time. We were both busy. But most importantly, none of us knew it was the last time. So, no one cared. If I had known…

What would I have done?

And what am I doing now?

* * *

"Now, you better tell me what you're plotting," Naruto demands as we wait for the food to arrive.

"Nothing."

"Hey, I helped you."

"And that's why I am here. Feeding you ramen."

"Don't think you can shake me off that easily, Bastard," Naruto says with a seriousness that's very uncharacteristic of him. "Just tell me already."

"There's nothing to tell."

"You constantly question me about Sakura's exhibition and then make me go there with you. Pretending like _I_ was the one who dragged you there. And you're trying to imply that it doesn't have any deeper meaning? Seriously Sasuke?"

I ignore him and drink my water.

"Don't ignore me. Tell me what exactly you are planning."

"Nothing," I almost yell; "Nothing."

And the thing is: that is true. I really have no idea what I'm trying to do.

"I… just wanted to see her once more."

"Do you still love her?"

Do I?

Do I still love her?

I'm not sure. But I want to be near her. I want to be able to see her more often. I want to see her smile. I want to talk to her about things. I want her to care for me. To call my name. To worry about me. That's what I want.

My relationship with Sakura was so easy. I didn't have to force myself. Ever. I could tell her things I never thought I'd be able to tell anyone. She understood me in a way I never expected anyone to. She made it all so easy.

So, I don't like it when I stand in front of her now and it feels so uncomfortable. She looks like she is struggling to come up with things to say and I am no better. She keeps forcing this smile that I can easily recognise as fake and an effort to cover her awkwardness. _This_ isn't how it's supposed to be. Not with Sakura.

"Sasuke?"

"I don't know."

* * *

Lying flat on my bed, staring at the ceiling, I think about what happened earlier. To say I was surprised to see Sasuke there would be very much of an understatement. I never imagined him to come to my exhibition. But when he did, the moment I saw him there, there was this small part of me that was beyond elated. But of course it didn't last long.

_'I came to support you, Sakura. And I dragged Bastard along because we were hanging out earlier. His house is close by.'_

Did he really have _drag_ him? Like he wasn't at all willing to come and Naruto literally forced him?

The very idea infuriated me. I felt humiliated. Like as impossible as it might sound, there actually are people willing to look at my art, to appreciate them. My arts come from my heart, with genuine feelings. I'm proud of them. And if it's just one person who gets it, then so be it. I don't need to force support from anyone. I'll take whatever I deserve. Nothing less and definitely nothing more.

I was almost mad at Naruto for his childish behavior. But what about Sasuke?

Just because you break up with someone does it mean you have to stop caring about them altogether? Like he cannot even show me some support? Just because he's done with me, he has stopped giving two shits about me? It doesn't matter to him if I live or die? He's that indifferent?

But I really, truly wish he can recover and start playing again.

But yeah, just because you're ready to do something for someone doesn't mean they are obliged to do the same for you.

Like at the party, it was me who went up to him and greeted him. Because it kept bothering me to an extent where I couldn't take it anymore. If it wasn't making him as uneasy, then why would he make any effort?

Caring might be a good thing, but not always. Sometimes caring means you're doomed. It makes you vulnerable. At times, I wish I could be a cold-hearted person and not give a damn. Because some people just don't deserve to be treated nicely.

But is Sasuke really one of them? That day; why did he offer to drop me off? I mean if he had driven past me, I wouldn't even have known. But he didn't. Why did he do that? And when I said he didn't have to, he gave me his same old reply.

 _'I know'_ aka I know I don't _have to_ , but I still am doing this because I _want to_.

Why would anyone want to do that for someone he doesn't care about?

But more importantly, why am _I_ doing this? What am I? A teenager with a crush trying to find deep meanings behind his every small action?

Grow up, Sakura.

Think about everything it took for you to recover. Remember all those sleepless nights. All the pain that you had to hold inside because you didn't believe anyone would be able to understand. Because no matter how much someone loves you, they cannot feel your pain. It has to be you. You and you only. They can stand by you, they can console you, but you are the one who will have to suffer. So, be very careful. Don't concern yourself too much with Sasuke. Nothing good can possibly come out of it. Nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Book mentioned: 1Q84 by Haruki Murakami.


	22. Confrontation

"I know right? I mean, not about my painting. But there's something very captivating about the moon. I really have a thing for the moonlight," Sakura speaks over-enthusiastically as we stand in her small sitting room.

"I know."

Of course I know. Did you forget who we used to be? Don't you remember?

My answer makes her cheeks go pink and she looks down, refusing to meet my gaze.

I take a step towards her. She doesn't look up. So, I take another one. Finally, she notices. She lifts her face to look me in the eye.

"S-Sasuke?" She's confused.

But I don't utter a word. I take another step; then another. Finally closing the distance between us completely .

And here we are. Face to face. So close that I can feel her hot breath on my skin. And I guess she can feel mine. Her green eyes are wide in surprise and her lips are slightly parted. Like she's about to say something.

Without another word, I drop the paper bag on the floor and pull her close to me. One hand resting on her lower back and the other one finding a handful of her soft pink hair; holding her head in place.

And I plunge my lips into hers.

She stands still for a few moments. Clearly taken aback. I'm starting to expect resistance. But to my surprise, it never comes.

Instead, I feel her lips starting to kiss me back. Her hands finding their way in my hair. And we kiss. Like there's no future. Like this moment is all we've got.

It's been so long. So so long since I last kissed her. Since I felt those soft, plump lips on mine. I'm feeling like I'll go insane. I'm starting to lose my mind... I...

I sit up.

I'm sweating profusely. The digital clock on the bedside table says it's 3:17 am. I can feel the familiar tightness in my pants.

How many times has this happened in the last two weeks again?

* * *

I don't know about others, but to me, visiting shopping malls by myself has never been a problem. To be honest, I prefer it. Like, go there, only look at things you want to buy, grab the one you like and pay, simple. Right?

Now, if I go with Ino, what'll take me half an hour, would become three hours. She'll spend time checking things she wouldn't buy in a decade, try clothes, sit for make-up trials and hair styling; all. And of course, she'll try to make me participate as well.

So, alone is better.

I'm considering visiting the food court to buy a frappe before heading home, when I see a flash of red on my right. I turn my head, thinking it's Karin. But she immediately disappears behind a black mannequin before I can confirm.

Wasn't that her?

I feel like checking. So, I walk towards the mannequin. And just as I thought, it's her. She's wearing glasses today. The frame red like her hair and eyes. Seeing me, she gives a weird smile.

"Eh... You found me."

Huh?

"What exactly are you doing?"

"Well... I was trying to hide away from you," she smiles awkwardly.

"And why'd you do that?"

She comes out. I see a few shopping bags hanging from both of her hands. Did she come shopping alone too?

"Well, last time I did something very embarrassing."

I don't get it. So, I wait for her to explain a little more.

"I went ahead and blabbered about so many things. It might've been strange for you. Having a stranger say things like that out of the blue. You must've thought I'm weird."

And I feel like laughing. She's embarrassed about our last encounter. Well... that was a little bizarre.

"Don't you think I'm weird?" she asks very seriously.

I consider saying no. But then, remembering our last meeting, I don't think it's necessary for me to fake politeness in front of her. So, I answer honestly.

"I do."

She looks at me. Her wide eyes telling me that this definitely isn't the answer she was hoping for.

"And I have like..." let me count- Ino, Sai, Shikamaru, Naruto, Hinata and let's include Temari too; "Six friends. Like really good friends. And each one of them is weird in their own way. It's not really a  _bad_  thing. Not to me at least."

Karin stares at me for a while. Then she smiles.

"I see," she presses her glass on her nose bridge, "Well… the thing is, everything I said to you the other day, those were basically points I had been using to reason with myself. I told myself all this time that I'll no longer be scared to see you. But then, I see you there and before I know it, I'm running out of the other door," she looks at me and smiles. "Has it ever happened to you? Like you mentally prepare yourself to face something. You tell yourself you're ready and then when it's finally there, standing right in front of you, you go like  _'Who am I kidding? There's no way I can do this!'_ "

"I think it has."

"That's why I had to do it. I had to walk up to you and say all those things out loud regardless of how crazy it sounded."

"Did it help?"

"It did. Until then, it was an everlasting argument, going on and on and on inside my head. It was there, I knew every reason why it was best for me to let go. Still, somehow I lacked the determination. But once I said those thoughts out loud to you, I felt like it was time I acted upon those," she smiles softly. "You see, I was really tired of being the sad girl whose crush won't even look at her. I mean, that's who I had been for as long as I could remember. And I was really tired of it. I wanted to find other things. Things that'd make me happy. I didn't want to be that unlucky girl anymore. If love wasn't working for me, I thought I'd find something else that would."

And suddenly, I can relate to her in a way I've never related to anybody. It's as if I'm looking at myself all those years ago. When I was searching for something to create my identity. Something to base my existence upon.

The thing is, no one is all lucky or all unlucky. Good things and bad things happen to all of us. And it's us who decide which one of those we want our lives to revolve around.

She spent years holding onto something that wasn't working for her. She cried, maybe complained too. She almost made it the centre of her identity.

_the sad girl whose crush won't even look at her_

And now she's trying to find something else to base her life upon. She's trying to create a new identity for herself. A better one, one she can be proud of.

"And did you find that something?"

"You see, I've always been good at studies. Like really good. And I never gave myself enough credit for that. I was like,  _so what? Sasuke still doesn't like you,_ " she laughs. "But these days, I'm appreciating myself more. It's about me now, not anybody else."

"That's good to know."

"It really is."

"I can tell you're happy now. It shows in your attitude."

She hesitates for a while before speaking, "It might sound weird, but I have a feeling that we could be good friends."

"Doesn't sound weird to me."

"It doesn't? Then, can we hang out sometimes?"

"I guess we could," I shrug.

"So, can I get your contact number?" she sticks her tongue out, "I bet now you're thinking I'm really weird."

"Yeah, you are. And like I said; it doesn't matter. There might be weird sides to me as well."

"Yes, you definitely are weird. You're shopping alone too."

"I like it."

She laughs.

.

.

.

It's late in the evening when I get the text.

_'Today I thought about Sasuke after a really long time. And I realised something.'_

_'What?'_

_'I haven't thought about him in a while.'_

_'That's a good thing I assume?'_

_'It is. And the thing is, it doesn't make me sad anymore. Thinking of him I mean.'_

_'You really are over him.'_

_'I am. And I had no idea.'_

_'That kind of sounds crazy.'_

_'I know right? I wonder how long it has been. It was my belief that I love Sasuke. It was so deeply embedded in my mind that I never even noticed when that changed. It never even occurred to me that it could. And now I feel like an idiot.'_

I'm thinking of a proper reply when I get another message.

_'A very happy idiot by the way. I'm so happy right now. I feel so free. I want to party.'_

_'I'm really happy for you, Karin.'_

_'I'm happy for me too. I really enjoy talking to you. Do you think we can go eat together next time?'_

_'Sounds like you're asking me out on a date.'_

_'Are you that desperate for a date?'_

_'Come on, I haven't gone on a date in two years.'_

_'Well, at least you did at some point. I never did.'_

_'Now you're making me feel bad.'_

_'LOL'_

_._

_._

_._

Makes sense, doesn't it? Just like you wake up one day and realise _'Shit! I'm in love',_ there comes a day when you wake up and go _'Shit! I'm no longer in love.'_

Changes happen, a little bit at a time. Minute changes you don't even notice. But they do happen. And they accumulate. Then one day, you see the outcome and are mind blown.

She tried to force herself to get over Sasuke. And nothing happened. At least, nothing she could see. But maybe something had started to change. She just didn't realise. And then, today she suddenly noticed she is over him. She has been for who knows how long. It was like waking up. Like a new beginning.

After our break-up, I tried to consciously get over Sasuke. I'd remind myself every now and then to forget about him. And finally, I was able to do that. Sure, it took me some time but I did it.

But did I go wrong somewhere?

She says that thinking about Sasuke doesn't make her sad anymore. She says she feels free. If it was just three months ago, I'd say the same. But not anymore. Now, when I think about him, I feel a pang of pain. It hurts. And I don't know why.

Is it because I tried to force it?

Just like you cannot force yourself to love someone, you cannot force yourself to stop loving someone. No one can control their feelings.

.

.

.

Sunday mornings were meant for sleeping in. But I do not always have that luxury. I have a lot of things to take care of. So, on those rare occasions when I can actually stay in bed late, I feel like the happiest person on earth. Who needs big houses and fancy cars?  _This_  is what I need.

The doorbell rings.

Must be my pancakes. That's a super-fast delivery! I jump out of bed to open the door. And as I do open it, it takes me a while to really believe what I'm seeing.

Sasuke.

Sasuke?

What is _he_ doing here?

"May I come in?" his question makes me realise I've been staring at him open mouthed for a little longer than 'a while'.

"Uh… Yeah… I mean… yes… I think…" I decide to stop trying to talk for the time being and step aside to let him in.

I make some space on my couch to let him sit.

"Do you want some water?"

"Huh? No," he speaks a little too loudly; and then goes, "Well, yes… I'd like some."

"Sure."

I go to the kitchen and first pour myself a glass of water. I gulp it down at one go.

Why is he here? What does he want?

Okay. Okay.

Let's hear him out, Sakura.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Relax.

Yes. You have nothing to be nervous about.

"Here you go," I place the glass of water on the coffee table in front of him. He grabs it at once and empties it in one breath.

Okay. If I was nervous before, then I don't even know this feeling I'm getting now. I bring the stool and sit opposite him.

I don't ask anything. Just wait for him to start.

"I've been thinking about this for a while," he starts, running his right hand through his jet black hair "So, don't think this is something I'm doing on the spur of the moment…"

"O-kay…"

"I was wondering-" he takes a deep breath before looking straight into my eyes, "If you could give me another chance."

I forget to shut my mouth. I forget to blink. I forget to even breathe I guess.

"Sakura?"

"E-excuse me. WHAT?"

* * *

"I'm asking you if you think you can give me another chance," and suddenly I feel very calm again. Now that I've said those words that I can't take back. Now that I'm finally letting her know my honest feelings. And my vulnerabilities.

Once again.

"Is this supposed to be a joke?"

"It's not," I say looking her in the eye.

"Do you even understand what you're talking about?"

"Like I told you. I'm doing this after lots of sincere thinking on my part."

Because I'm already starting to regret. And this time, I want to do something.  _I_  want to make the difference. When it comes to us, somehow it looks like you are always the one making the efforts. So, this time, I've decided it's my turn.

"Then you should know how absurd this sounds."

"I'm not asking you to start from where we left off. I'm asking you to start from scratch."

"It's not that easy Sasuke."

"I know it isn't. But can't you try just once?"

"No."

And it feels like a slap on my face.

"And if I ask you why?"

Today, I feel like suddenly I've become so brave. Like, I'm really here. Risking getting turned down.

"I don't think you even have the right to ask that;" I second that. "But still, I'll tell you why. I've been hurt once. It took me a lot to recover from that. So, I'm not ready to get involved with you once again and risk getting cast aside for the second time. That's why."

I stare at her.

"You're so unpredictable, Sasuke. You avoided me that evening like you couldn't even see me there. Then, you offer me a ride home. You don't even care about my exhibition, Naruto has to 'drag' you there and the next thing I know, you're here; in my sitting room, asking me for another chance."

"I wanted to talk to you that night," I comment as soon as she finishes. "I wanted to ask you how you were doing. But I didn't have the guts. But, once you came to me and spoke to me, it gave me the courage. That's why I offered to drop you off."

She looks like she's trying to figure out whether to believe me or not.

"And about that exhibition,  _I_  was the one who made Naruto go there. I wanted to see you once again. But I didn't think it'd be good if your ex-boyfriend turned up at your exhibition just like that. I didn't want you to think I was stalking you or something. That's why I asked Naruto for help."

"You want me to believe that?"

"You can ask Naruto."

She glares at me for a while.

"Whatever, you still broke up with me in the nastiest way. I don't care how admirable your intentions were, you don't even know the basics of a relationship. Loving a person is different from loving an object or a… hobby let's say. Because it's supposed to be reciprocal. It involves both parties. With their own feelings and opinions. You can't just go ahead and make decisions by yourself."

And suddenly it makes me wonder.

"Do you… know the real reason I broke up with you?"

"Yes, I do. And it makes me even madder at you."

Well… that's... I'm not sure how I feel about this information.

" _Who_  gave you the right to make decisions for me, Sasuke? Just who?" she yells.

I can feel it. She's been holding it in for a long time. And today is finally the day she can let it all out. So, I like that she's screaming at me. I don't want her to fake smiles in front of me and act all sweet and friendly if inside, she's holding so much resentment against me.

I'd rather see her true feelings. No matter how bitter they are.

"I was trying to protect you. I knew if I told you the truth, you'll never let me go. And the last thing I wanted was to hurt you. I thought you deserved better."

"Rubbish!" she flares up. "What  _deserved better_? Is this a business deal or what? I don't deserve better or worse. The only thing I deserve is the consequences of my actions. If I choose to be with someone who hurts me, then getting hurt is what I deserve."

"What nonsense!" I'm starting to lose my calm as well. Guess this is gonna get messy today.

"There's nothing nonsense.  _I_  am the only one who can make decisions for myself.  _You_  had no rights to keep me in the dark like that. Do you have any idea how that made me feel? Do you know  _what_  hurt me the most?"

I scowl.

"The thought that you tossed me aside so easily. The thought of  _how little_  you cared. The thought that I had loved you so much more than you ever loved me. That we… _I_ was never equal in our relationship.  _Those_  were the feelings that hurt me the most, Sasuke."

"I was hurting too, Sakura," I shout back; "Do you think it was easy for me? Do you know what it felt like, losing the two most important things of my life at the same time?"

And I think I see her expression soften for a moment. And a hint of surprise for her green eyes go wide.

But, then, her jaws are clenched once again.

Well, I came prepared for the worst. But I'm not giving up without giving it my all.

"But you did that to yourself. You were the one who pushed me aside. I didn't leave you."

"No, you didn't. But that was all I could come up with at that point. My way of doing things might have been wrong, but I did that because I didn't want to hurt you anymore. Damn it!" I pause to take a deep breath. "That evening at the hospital, I'll never forget what it felt like. Seeing you afraid of me. I've never resented myself more, Sakura. Never."

In the short period we were together, we never had a real fight. The one we had in the end was… well, let's say…  _nasty_. But we never really had a fight in the true sense. And now, I realise that it's not necessarily a good thing all the time. I realise that, we needed  _this_. A real face-off where we can pour all our frustrations out in the open.

"I regretted it the next moment after I threw that vase. I wanted to apologise. I wanted to explain things to you. But before I could, you went ahead and said those horrible things. Maybe, if you hadn't done that-" I hang my head and pull at my locks with my hands.

I'm feeling so frustrated right now. Words have never been my strong point. But today, I have to do it. I came prepared. I'll tell her all the things I want her to know. And then, she can decide.

"What do you mean?"

She looks confused.

Does she not remember?

"What did I… what did I say, Sasuke?"

And suddenly, I see fear in her eyes. Like she's really afraid of what I'm going to say.

"You've forgotten?" I look up at her. And she refuses to meet my gaze.

"I… I don't-"

"You said the reason I chose you was because I love challenges. Because you were  _hard to obtain_."

I observe her reaction. She's definitely shocked. So, she really doesn't remember.

" _'Come on, Sasuke, you admitted that you enjoyed fucking me. If for nothing else, then you can at least pay me for my good services as a whore, can't you?'_ I can still hear it. Every word you said. How you said them. The exact look on your face as you spoke."

Now, she simply stares at me, looking horrified.

How strange!

Words exchanged between two people. One of them has been holding onto them for two years; unable to erase them from his memories, always being haunted by them. And the other person simply forgot.

Why is that?

"I had loved you so much, Sakura. And knowing that after everything, you thought I saw you as a prize, as a tool to fulfill my sexual needs; that hurt me more than anything," I explain slowly.

I feel pathetic. I never told her I loved her while we were still in the relationship. And here I am, two years post our break-up, trying to explain to her that I did love her.

In the past. At that time.

It's just terribly terribly painful.

"I… I didn't mean it… None of it. I was mad… I just said something meaningless."

"And how was I supposed to know that?" I ask her calmly. "You said those things and left. Then you didn't come to see me the next day. What was I supposed to think of that, Sakura?"

"I was just… I was just being mad at you, Sasuke. I wanted  _you_  to initiate contact. That was it. But I went to the hospital the next morning. And you had already left. I called you right there. Three times. You didn't pick up. That was when I decided to stop trying. Because I no longer knew what you were thinking."

"By then, I had already made my decision."

"But still, Sasuke, I was still hoping that you'd call. I'd check my phone hoping for missed calls or messages. But I didn't get any. Never again," she tears up.

And I feel horrible. For what I made her go through. But still… I didn't do those things to hurt her deliberately.

"In case it makes you feel any better, I was suffering too. I wanted to pick up the phone and call you. That afternoon, I wanted to ask you why you looked so frail. Why you had dark circles under your eyes. I wanted to tell you to take proper care of your health. As I watched you leave, I wanted to run after you and stop you. You might think since it was  _my_  decision, it was easy for me. But it wasn't. The whole situation was so messed up, there simply was no  _easy_  outcome."

She remains quiet.

"And don't think I'm trying to blame it upon you. I'm not. I know I am the one who ruined our relationship."

"But you're right. What I said that day, those words were pretty horrible," she finally speaks after taking a deep breath.

"They were. But you wouldn't have said those if I hadn't broken the vase. And I wouldn't have broken the vase like that had I not been mad at you for being late."

"You were mad at me for that?"

"Yes I was."

"But I-"

"I know, Sakura. You don't have to explain yourself. I know you were busy. I was devastated. It was just a few hours back that my father had informed me I might not get to play again. I was in a foul mood. I couldn't think straight. Everything you did that day, every single action seemed to get on my nerves. I'm sure even if you weren't late, I'd still have found another excuse to lash out."

"I was mad at you too. I thought you were just being unreasonable for no apparent reasons. I thought you didn't realise how hectic my schedule was. How hard it was for me to manage everything."

"I know," I try to give a smile.

She stares at me for a while. Then, speaks in a very soft voice. "It was a whole lot of misunderstanding."

"It was."

We keep silent for a long time.

"So, what's your decision? I promise you, if you do give me a second chance, I will not mess it up again."

There. I asked her. And right now, I can feel my heart beating like crazy. 

"So you say, Sasuke. But… I don't know… I'm scared. I don't want to be hurt again. I don't even know you anymore. Neither do you know me. We've changed completely."

"No we haven't. People don't change like that."

"Excuse me?" she raises her eyebrows; "Are you saying that you're exactly the same person you were two years ago?"

"Of course not. But I'm still me. And I'll always be me. People do change. We see things, learn things, our experiences help us mature. But that's it."

"I'm not exactly following. What is your point?"

"People change. But according to who they are. Based on their morals. That's it. Those changes aren't very drastic."

"Sometimes they are."

"No, they aren't. Some people are just very good at hiding their true selves. So they manage to fool others for a longer period of time."

She stares at me like she's considering my words.

"And while I was with you, I never faked a thing. Because I never really tried to  _impress_  you in that sense. We just became friends and somehow I started to feel this connection with you."

* * *

I don't say anything. Because I'm not sure what to say.

"I think it all started that night we spent on the rooftop."

"What does that mean?"

"It means I think that was the point when I started to feel something for you. Not love. But a connection. A human connection."

I think for a while. Love doesn't happen overnight. It's a slow process. Small things happen. Maybe very trivial things. And even if a few of them didn't happen, you'll still end up loving this person. Because it's a pattern. Some people are like that. They'll end up making a place in your heart with just who they are.

But everything does have a starting point. That moment before which it didn't exist, and after which it is there. Regardless of how minuscule it might be.

And if I try to think of such a moment in our relationship…

"I think it was that moment for me too," I smile at him.

He looks up at me and I see this light in his eyes. I know he's getting hopeful.

"But regarding your proposal, I can't give you an answer right now. I need time to think."

"That's very justified," he nods.

"The thing is, I was sure I was over you. But then, you appeared once again. And now, I've been questioning myself for a while. I might still have a soft point for you. But I realised long ago that love isn't enough."

He keeps silent.

"So, give me some time. I'll let you know my decision."

"Alright," he stands up. Getting ready to leave.

"And Sasuke, I'm sorry I forgot about those things I said back then. Because to me, they were just meaningless words I said in a moment of anger and excitement. I had no idea they'd hurt you so much. I'm sorry."

He chuckles, "If you apologise like that, you're making me feel even more pathetic."

"But I  _am_  sorry."

"So am I," he smiles sadly; "For everything I did wrong."

And I know he means it. He isn't saying it because it'll resolve things easily. He's saying it because  _he is sorry_.

And somehow, it makes me smile. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, finally done posting the deleted chapters. Will start writing the next chapter shortly.


	23. Amends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song mentioned: Perfect by Ed Sheeran.

_I stood aghast in the kitchen. In fear and shock. My mother rushed in. Her eyes caught sight of the fragments of shattered glass along with the oil spilled all over the floor. I was already very scared. I braced myself for what I thought was bound to come next. A slap. Or given the level of the mess I had created, maybe a few._

_But to my surprise, it never came. Moments passed, and she just stood there, fuming at me. But didn't raise a hand. Then, she yelled._

" _Why are you so determined to make my life hell? Just why? What exactly do you have against me?"_

_I felt my eyes tearing up. I looked down at the broken jar and the oil on the kitchen floor. I hadn't done it intentionally. I was a little too short. I was actually trying to get my hands on the biscuit jar. It was an accident. But I felt terribly guilty anyway._

_And my mother went on._

" _You know what? Why don't you just die? My life would be so much easier. Can your father just kill you someday? I swear I'll feel so relieved."_

_I stopped crying immediately. I was so astounded that my brain could no longer figure out how to react. I just stared at her wide eyed. Unable to trust my ears. She kept going on and on, but I was no longer listening._

_I cried in the toilet till late night. Until my tear glands finally gave up. The idea that my mother wanted me dead was so painful. I felt unwanted and unloved. I thought it would've been better if I hadn't been born at all. If she had just hit me instead, that'd have been much much better. But for some reason, I couldn't tell her about it. I just suffered alone in silence. For years._

_It wasn't until I was fifteen that I finally confronted her. And to my utter surprise, she had totally forgotten ever saying anything like that. I was baffled. How can one say such terrible things to someone, how can one hurt someone so deeply, so so deeply and forget about it just like that?_

I finally have that answer now. It's the one who gets hurt. They can't forget. Because all the sufferings, all the pain just won't let them. And about the one who hurts, most likely they don't even realise the pain they've caused the other person. So, why'd they remember? After all, to them it's so trivial.

Words hurt deeper than people give them credit for. Because the wound doesn't show on the surface. But they hit hard inside. When my father broke my nose, I almost never noticed the physical pain. What hurt me wasn't the fact that my nose was broken. It was the knowledge of who had done it. Regardless of all our differences, he was still my father. Or so I used to think. And that was the reason it hurt so bad. It wouldn't have hurt half as much if only a stranger had punched me. It was someone who was supposed to be close. It felt like betrayal.

That is the reason I feel so terrible. Sasuke loved me. So, those words coming from me of all people must have cut him even deeper. I blamed it all on Sasuke. And maybe most of it was his fault. But after talking to him, I can't shake off my own responsibilities in the whole incident.

* * *

I've told myself a million times to not have any expectations. Because I don't want to risk getting disappointed. But it's not that easy. Until and unless she turns me down directly, until and unless she tells me to get lost, this tiny ray of hope remains. And it just doesn't allow me a moment of peace. These past four days have been torturous. Before, it was a chaos in my head. It was me still trying to come up with a decision. But now, I've made my choice and the ball is in Sakura's court. I'm completely at her mercy.

Sakura just might refuse my proposal. Because like she said, love isn't enough. When we broke up last time, both of us were deeply in love with each other and that solved nothing.

This time, I want to give it my all. This time, I'm ready to fight tooth and nail for her, for us. But what if she doesn't even give me the chance?

I'm regretting everything I did back then and am very eager to make amends. But sometimes it isn't enough. If you plant a tree and don't water it, it'll die. And then you can repent all you want, you can flood it with water. But nothing will change. Everything has a time limit. What if I was too late?

I fall on my back upon my bed. The soft mattress bounces a little.

In my life, I've always been directed by fears. Every time I've stood up and fought, it was to run away from my biggest fear at that point.

Fear of having to live without tennis gave me the courage to go against my father's will even when I was dying for his approval. Fear of disappointing him and everyone else was what made me want to give up on life. Fear of losing everything I held dear was what stopped me back then.

Fear of hurting Sakura made me let go of her. And the fear of having to live without her is what has made me seek her once again.

I didn't want this. I didn't want to get involved with her ever again. I thought I had had enough. I wanted to lock my heart in a safe chest and hide it away from the eyes of the world. Ensuring nothing can touch it anymore. Nothing can hurt it anymore. But… if I do that, if I really do that, if I really lock it away so that nothing can reach it anymore, nothing can heal it either.

* * *

I feel very nervous as I wait outside after ringing the doorbell. I even consider turning back and simply running away. But I don't know what to do. I really need some advice. I don't want to go to my friends. I remember everything they went through to help me get back to being a sane person post my break-up. And the worst part was: all of them blamed themselves. Ino for pushing me towards the relationship. Shikamaru and Sai for letting that happen to me. But none of it was their fault. Still, no matter how many times I said that to them, it didn't help. So, I don't want to involve them in this anymore.

"Oh. Sakura," Tsunade looks a little surprised, "Didn't tell me you were coming." She moves aside to let me in.

"I… wanted to talk to you about something."

"I see," she shuts the door.

"I… it's about… Sasuke," I swallow, nervously searching her eyes for reactions.

But she doesn't show much. Just a small furrow appears on her forehead, "Your ex-boyfriend?"

"Yes."

She doesn't speak further. Takes a seat in front of me as I settle hesitantly on the couch.

"What about him?"

.

.

.

"What do you think I should do?"

What a ridiculous question!

Stupid Sakura! Who even considers the idea of getting back together with an ex after a break-up like that? Just how silly do I sound right now for even entertaining the idea?

"Well… Since you want to get back together with him, let's think it through," she speaks pretty nonchalantly.

Huh?

"What are you saying? I don't want to get back. I just came here-"

"If you didn't, you wouldn't even be here asking me this question. You would've just told him to get lost."

I stare at her for a few full minutes I think. Is it just me or can she see through everyone that easily?

"To be honest, I  _do_  want to give him a chance. But I'm scared. What if it happens again? I survived once. I'm not sure I can once again."

Having admitted it finally, it feels weird. Is it okay for me to feel like this after everything that happened? Am I a masochist? Am I pathetic?

"Okay. He isn't abusive or obsessive. He let you know his feelings and left the decision to you. Which means he respects your choice. So, I won't recommend running away at first sight. But let's say you do get back together again. You have to know that there's still going to be problems. Sometimes even with your best and his, it'll look like there's no way out. And maybe during those moments you'll doubt your decision. Maybe you'll start questioning if it was a mistake after all." She leans back on the cushioned chair and crosses her legs. "But let me make this clear. There will be moments in your life when you'll feel down. Regardless of how successful a career you have, how much money you own, how many friends you have and who you're with. And if you turn him down, during those moments, you'll most likely think none of it would happen if only you were with him. Because that's what we tend to do. We always lament thinking the thing we didn't get was the best one. Because it's easier than actually resolving the problems."

"So, what do I do?" her lecture just increased my confusion if anything.

"I don't know," she shrugs casually.

"What?"

"You're twenty one, Sakura. You're not a kid. You're mature enough to make this decision. I did what I had to. I pointed out all the things you should consider while making the decision. Rest is up to you," she smiles at me. "Just because I'm older doesn't mean I have the answer to every question. Something like this never happened to me. So, I don't know how to deal with this."

I simply stare at her.

"Just remember this: when it comes to things like love, there's no rules. It's all about how you feel. What has worked for someone else might not work for you. Because you are a different person and you feel things differently. So, take your time, think it through and make your choice. And when you've finally made your decision, whatever it is, fight for it. Obstacles will come. Face them and overcome them."

"You really don't think it's ridiculous for us to get back together?"

"I told you about the time Dan and I almost broke up, right? And sitting here, twenty two years after that whole ordeal, I still thank my destiny that we decided to get back together. And the reason it worked is because both of us wanted this. We both put efforts. If it's mutual, it's possible. And more importantly, it's worth it." She gives a gentle smile.

.

.

.

It amazes me how more than half the time I know exactly how things are, yet I pretend like I don't just to feel innocent. Like going to Tsunade for suggestion. I went to her hoping she'd stop me. Yes. That's what I wanted to do. Because when it comes to Sasuke, I don't have the courage to trust my heart. It has a strong favouritism towards him. I've already started to lose the battle since he appeared again. It was fine as long as I didn't see him. I felt strong, I felt I was so over him. But not since that day he dropped me home. I felt my resolve breaking bit by bit. And then, he came to me and asked for another chance. The temptation is too strong.

All of this, all this getting over him wasn't something I actually wanted to do. No. It was something I had to do. Because there was no other way out. He wasn't coming back to me ever again. That's how it looked back then. So, I forced myself to get over him. Because I had to keep living. But now when he's standing in front of me once again, asking for another chance, do I really have the strength to turn him away?

I haven't missed him in the past two years. Because I locked all those feelings inside a box and threw the key away. But now, Pandora's Box has been opened and all those emotions are all over the place. I once again am reminded of who he used to be. Just how much I loved him. It almost surprises me that I can love someone that much. Because loving is risking and I'm a coward. I don't like taking risks. I think I've been hurt enough for a life time. But it's him. It's Sasuke. And even though I spent two years of my life getting over him, I'm still willing to take the risk.

Is it a good idea? I'm not sure. Shall I come to regret it someday? Who knows? But he's Sasuke, the guy who made his way into my heart so effortlessly. And all the logic that make sense on pen and paper seem to look absurd when he gets involved.

* * *

"Hello?" my heart starts hammering against my ribs violently.

"Hi, Sasuke? It's me."

"I know." As if I'd ever  _not_  recognise her voice. And maybe she doesn't know, but for some reason even I don't understand, I never deleted her number from my phone. I didn't have any plans of contacting her ever. I told myself that maybe someday someone might need it? I mean, it's not a crime having your ex-girlfriend's number. Right? If only I had tried to go deeper. I got over Sakura. But it was so poorly done. It was almost like an illusion I created to console myself and now it's all crumbling down.

"Well, I thought about your proposal."

My heart feels like it's going to jump out of my chest, my mouth goes dry, my hands start to sweat.

"I decided to give it a try."

Huh?

"I… Can you say that again?" I want to make sure this is real. That I'm not hearing things. I press the phone tightly to my ear.

"You asked me if I could give you another chance. I will."

Time stops. Everything freezes. So does my brain.

"Sasuke?"

I clear my throat before answering.

"Yes?"

"Why are you answering like that?"

If you were me, you'd be grateful I'm answering.

"I…" what the fuck do I say? To say something, I have to process my feelings and currently I have no idea how I feel.

"But we need to talk before we start anything. Face to face. Where do we do that?"

"Wherever you want." I'm still feeling like I'm walking on eggshells. I'm too worried about messing up again. So, I'll let her take the lead for now.

"Ummm… How about the Hokage Park?"

"Sounds good."

.

.

.

It's rained a while ago, leaving a thin film of water on the dark green paint of the park bench. I reach inside my pocket to take out the handkerchief but Sakura just wipes away the water with her hand and sits down.

She's wearing a pair of dark blue denim trousers and a red t-shirt. There's a red hairband in her pink hair and she's carrying a red umbrella.

I join her on the bench. Keeping some distance.

"I don't know where to start," she giggles after a silence that lasts a little too long. I can feel her nervousness. But it's better. She's showing it to me now. She no longer is trying to hide behind awkward smiles and mindless mumbling.

"How have you been?" I ask, looking up at the evening sky. For some reason, I feel like I'm not ready to meet her gaze yet.

She keeps quiet for a while. Most likely contemplating how much to disclose.

"I'm fine now. I've got friends and teachers who are always there for me. I've also started to make some name for myself in the artist community."

She pauses. I finally look at her, the soft smile on her face is so nostalgic. It almost feels like coming home.

Finally I have the right to look at her once again without feeling guilty about it. I am the only person on earth who understands how great a privilege that is. She looks breathtaking. But then again, when has she not? I almost feel like touching her. Just to ensure she is real. This is real. We're here, sitting together and talking like this. I'm a little afraid to think of it all as true because of how desperately I've been longing for this.

"But… it was terrible at first," her voice drops down to an almost whisper, like she isn't sure she should be saying this.

"I was devastated at first. It required everything in me to just drag myself out of the bed every day. Everything used to seem meaningless. I thought I'd go crazy." She falls silent.

It hurts. It hurts. I knew she suffered given how deeply she loved me. But knowing something is something. And experiencing it first hand is on a whole different level.

"It was hard for me too. I thought… I'd never make it." I don't know what this is. Maybe me trying to defend myself. Or maybe this is my weird way of apologising to her. I'm not sure.

"What about your injury?"

"I'm preparing for my come back. Maybe in five-six months."

"That makes me feel bad."

"Why?" I frown.

"You see, your accident happened and we broke up. Now that you're about to get back to the game, we're getting back together again. Feels like I'm only with you when times are good. I wasn't there when you were going through your worst phase."

"That's how it should have been."

"What?"

"I know you want to be there to support me. But I have to know how to support myself first." I take a deep breath to prepare myself for the confession I'm about to make. "You remember Itachi's incident? How I left for a week?"

She nods.

"I considered killing myself."

"What?" her voice is sharp and she almost jumps.

"Yes. I felt so lost. I don't know. It was so weird, I wasn't frustrated or depressed or anything. I just wanted to die. And it was you who pulled me back. I thought I couldn't leave you like that."

When she doesn't say anything, I continue.

"After that accident, if we stayed together, I'd once again have relied upon you. And that's not reasonable. Not for me not for you. It's pathetic if I crumble down the moment you leave my side. And it's unfair for you to have to babysit your boyfriend who can't handle his own shit."

"Well… I…"

"That's what I did in the past two years. I can now handle myself even when the worst things happen. So, now I'm asking you again."

And we should have done it earlier.

"I guess we were so in love, we didn't want to fail each other. It wasn't a bad thing. But sometimes we have to put ourselves first. For example, you should've said to me,  _'you see Sasuke, I'm really tired with all the arrangements of the exhibition. So, I can't go visit you today. I'll be there tomorrow_   _but_   _remember_ ,  _I love you'_."

It's as they say, you can't pour from an empty cup. How can you heal me if you're suffering yourself?

"But wouldn't you be mad if I did that? You were that mad at me just for being late."

"Like I said the other day, that evening I'd have snapped like that anyway. It was inevitable."

She raises her brows.

"Last time, we were bound to fall apart. Sooner or later."

We were too focused on being the best for each other. We were too keen on not messing up. Maybe that's why we did.

We sit in silence for a while. I feel my knee brushing lightly against her thigh. But I don't pull back. I wait for her, but she doesn't either. And it makes me feel peaceful and relieved. We'll need time to go back to being completely comfortable with each other. But even if it's just baby steps, we've started.

"You know, I told myself that ours was just another teenage love story that was never meant to last. That we," she turns her face towards me, "Were never going be. But now I can't stop wondering, what was the point? If it was going to be you and me in the end, what was all that for?"

How do I know?

"It's kind of funny, no?" she chuckles softly then looks up. "The sky's clearing up. The moon looks beautiful. Doesn't it?"

I've never been into admiring the beauty of the moon. Not until I met her. But even more so after I lost her. Ever since, looking at the moon would remind me of her. I'd wonder how she is doing. Therefore, somehow I made it into a habit to not look at the moon. But now, I do. I look up at the sky where a half moon is shining against the darkness of the night.

"It is."

Suddenly, something pops into my brain.

"Isn't it like the story you told me?"

"Huh?"

"About things happening only when the right time comes. Maybe last time, the past two years, all of it was to prepare us for this. Because  _this_ is where we were actually supposed to start. "

She stares at me wide-eyed for who knows how long. Because when I look into those bright green depths, I always lose track of time, place and everything else.

"I… When I told you about that story, I never expected you to take it so deeply. I mean, I thought it was just chattering."

"Well," I shrug, "I thought it was quite meaningful. But it was only after we broke up that I started to put so much value into it."

Because I didn't have much. I didn't have much to treasure. So, I held tightly onto whatever little bits I could put my hands on. I had no valuable things, so I learnt to put value into the smallest of words and gestures.

"It's good to know."

"What?"

"I know what it feels like, being hurt by someone you love. I've been there. And it kills me that I said those things to you back then at the hospital. So, it makes me feel a little better that like I hurt you so casually, I also gave you something precious to treasure without realising."

"You needn't worry about that. Now that I know you didn't really mean it, I don't feel bad about it anymore."

"How can it be, Sasuke? Just how?"

"What do you mean?" I look at the painful expression on her face, a little confused.

"When I was young, I once broke a jar of oil. And my mom was so mad at me, she yelled at me that I should die."

I flinch. Just how could she? She's her mother.

"I was eleven, Sasuke, eleven. I felt so terrible. And she, she totally forgot about it. You know, I tried to talk to her about it a few years later and she didn't even remember. But she said she was sorry and that I should've known she never meant those words to begin with. That she was just mad at me. And I know she meant it. In spite of everything, I don't really believe she wants me to die at least. But still, it changed nothing. It didn't make me feel better. All those years I spent crying behind closed doors thinking my mother wanted me dead, they didn't simply go away just because she hadn't meant that. That's why I can't forgive myself. Even when you say you don't mind. I can't."

I see tears glistening on her pale cheeks.

It's painful. And it's at this moment that I realise it's not about me. In her, she's seeing a shadow of an abuser whom she can't forgive because she has been on the receiving of abuse for too long. And what can I possibly say to make her feel better?

It's weird how emotions manifest themselves.

"Sakura," I get close to her and put my right arm around her small shoulders, pulling her close to myself. She doesn't protest.

"I don't want to hurt anyone Sasuke. I just don't. But still, without knowing, I've done it to you." She cries. And it makes me feel utterly helpless. It reminds me of that night I had found her crying in front of her door. Back then, I could do nothing.

"You know, yours was different from what your mother did."

She stops crying and looks up at me.

"Your actions always told me that you loved me. Your words at the hospital stood as a contradiction to that. While for your mother, from what I've heard, she was never very affectionate to you. So, in her case, it acted as an ammunition. So, you were hurt much more than me."

I pause for her to say something. Anything. But she doesn't. So, I continue.

"All of us make mistakes. I've made them, so have you. But our mistakes don't define us. You're one of the kindest people I've ever met. I was suffering for so long and I didn't even have any idea. But you made me realise. You helped me heal. I know you don't want to hurt me or anyone. That's not who you are. So, I don't want you to blame yourself."

She still doesn't speak. But somehow I feel something in her silence. I'm not sure what exactly it is but I feel assured that I succeeded in conveying my feelings to her. For once in my life.

"Do you want to listen to a song?"

"A song?"

Her response is immediate and natural.

"Yes. A song. Wait a minute."

I reach inside the pocket of my denim trousers and bring the phone out. I plug in the earphones and play the song.

"Hmmm? Ed Sheeran? Perfect?"

"This song always reminds me of you."

"Huh?"

The way she looks at me is so intimate.

"I first listened to it back when we were still together. At the store. And it immediately made me think of you."

"Seriously? You never told me."

"Yeah. I regretted after we broke up."

"Which part can you relate to the most?"

"Hn? It was different back then. It's different right now."

Now that I think about it, it's kind of strange. How can you like the same thing, for two different reasons at two different times?

But what's so strange about it? Isn't it very much like my love for Sakura?

I keep falling in love with her again and again. For so many different reasons.

"What is your favourite part right now?"

" _I will not give you up this time."_

"Neither will I."

She gently lays her small head on my shoulder. We sit there, sharing my earphones. Just listening to the song on repeat.

.

.

.

"I'll take you home."

"It's okay Sasuke. It's not that late yet. You have to return home too."

"I'm coming with you."

I know there were times when you were left on your own. Something bad could've happened to you and I wouldn't even know. I can't change that. Even if I try.

"I'm here now. Aren't I?"

.

.

.

"Bye Sasuke," she gets on her tiptoes and places a soft kiss on my lips. Catching me completely off-guard.

I stand still for a few seconds. She holds my gaze. But her face goes completely red. And it almost makes me laugh. After everything we did in the past,  _this_  makes her blush?

She's just too adorable.

I lean down. Because she barely reaches my shoulders. I touch her pink lips with mine. And she takes less than a second to respond. I pull her close, pressing her against myself with one hand. While the other travels to the back of her neck to obtain a perfect angle. And her arms start tugging at my hair. Soon, the innocence leaves us and it's a battle for dominance. I feel the familiar sensation inside my stomach, the fire starting again, the tightness in my pants. I'm just inches away from losing the last shred of control. That's when I pull back.

Because this isn't good idea. Not yet. We need some more time before we can get there again. I must leave from here. I must not cross the threshold to her flat today.

I look at Sakura. She's breathing heavily. Just like me. But her eyes tell me she understands. She smiles softly. And puts her arms around my waist. Hugging me tightly. Placing her head right where my heart is beating frantically inside my chest.

"I missed you, Sasuke." It's almost a whisper. But I hear it loud and clear.

I breathe in the scent of her shampoo. Putting my arms around her small form, I press her against myself. Trying to eradicate every distance between us. I place a soft kiss on the top of her head.

"I missed you too, Sakura."

 


	24. Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, what even is left there for us, fic writers? When canon Sasuke literally made a ring for Sakura. With his own chakra. And it has a ruby on it. His birth stone. I mean-

 

"Who is she?" the girl asks me. I try to follow her line of sight as I gulp down the cold water. Which ends up in some water getting spilled on my practice shirt.

It's Sakura. Sitting there in the empty gallery. Wearing a straw hat and a loose white cotton dress that sits on her shoulders with two thin straps. Her now shoulder-length pink hair getting ruffled by the breeze. She smiles at me and waves a hand as her gaze meets mine.

"My girlfriend," I put the cap back on the bottle and shove it inside my bag along with my rackets.

"Girlfriend?!" she exclaims loudly. Drawing my attention back.

"Yes. Why?" I can't help the frown on my forehead.

The girl looks at Sakura and then back at me again.

"What happened?"

She looks down, fumbling with the hem of her shirt. "I… I used to think…" she looks up at me once again, "You're single."

I just stare at her. Dumbfounded because I clearly don't miss the pink shade colouring her cheeks. What on earth?!

Girl, I'm at least ten years older than you. I'm not a paedophile!

She casts her gaze down once again. What am I supposed to do now?

I glance at Sakura who hasn't moved from her place in the gallery. Finally, sighing, I crouch down in front of the girl.

"Do you…" how do you even say such a thing to a kid? Damn it! "Do you not like it I have a girlfriend?"

She nods.

"Why?"

She takes a few moments before answering. "Because I like you."

I take a deep breath.

"So, you wanted to be my girlfriend?"

She nods again.

"But, you're too young to date yet. Aren't you?"

"I'll date you when I'm older," she lifts her face up and I see tears in her eyes.

"But, I'm so much older than you. When you're old enough to date, I'll be an uncle. Do you want to date an uncle?"

It works. Her face changes its colours. And the tears in the corner of her eyes disappear. Her eyebrows furrow a little. Clearly didn't think that far. Kids.

"When you're old enough, that's when you have to find someone you like and date him. Do you get it?"

"Yes," she speaks finally.

"Good," I get up and offer her a friendly smile. Well, what I want to believe works as a friendly smile. Don't want to scare a kid away.

"She is pretty."

"Huh?" I look down at the girl.

"Your girlfriend is pretty."

"Isn't she?" I smirk as I look at Sakura.

"Yes. I like her pink hair," she smiles.

"Do you want to say hello to her?"

"Can I?" she almost jumps.

Kids are really something. Moments ago, she was being practically jealous of her and now she's excited to meet her.

"Of course you can."

.

.

.

"Manami was so cute," Sakura's voice sounds cheerful as she walks beside me.

"Manami?" I raise an eyebrow.

"The girl you brought to meet me," she explains. "Seriously, Sasuke? You don't even know her name?"

"I forgot. There are too many kids at the academy."

"Stop lying. You totally didn't know," she rolls her eyes.

"I did."

"You didn't," she hits me playfully with her elbow. Giggling. "But it's fun, you know. Coming here, watching you practice. I get to see another side of you. It's like getting to know you even more deeply."

I look at her. Her profile view has something very captivating about it. The way her ear peeks from those pink strands, the flutter of her thick pink lashes and her nose sticking out.

"What?" She looks at me.

"I like it when you come here."

Her brows raise a few millimeters. "I hope you do," she smiles.

"When I was younger, Mom would often come with me. Whenever she could manage."

Then, she passed away and it was just me. It felt…

"You felt lonely, didn't you?"

"Huh?"

"After she…"

"Ah," I nod. "But I pretended like I didn't. Like it didn't make a difference. I wanted to act strong. I thought I was trying to look tough in front of people. But…"

"But?"

"With the things I know now, I believe  _I_  was the one I wanted to convince the most."

"I've done that too, you know?" she latches her fingers with mine, tightly holding my hand in her smaller, softer one. "Pretending to be strong when I was actually feeling weak. Because I thought otherwise I won't make it."

Her smile is gentle and as I watch her, I know my mind has taken a picture of it. And I'll remember this years from now. When she won't even look like this. I'll remember it clearly.

.

.

I know I'll see her sitting on the edge of the bed, legs dangling and studying the framed photo of my mother and me on my desk.

"You're totally like a male version of her," she doesn't look at me as I enter the room. Drying my hair with the white towel.

I approach her and glance at the photo from over her shoulders. She does have a point. I didn't see it when she was alive but now that I'm an adult, my appearance resembles hers very closely.

Suddenly, there's a knock at the door. Assuming it's the housekeeper, I open it. Not even remembering she isn't supposed to be here today. And to my utter surprise, it's my father I find on the other side.

His eyes fall upon and then beyond me. To the bed where Sakura is sitting. As soon as She sees my father, Sakura places the photo back on to the desk in a state of haste and stands up immediately.

"Sakura," my father is the one to speak first. "I didn't know you were visiting."

"I…" she tucks a lock of hair that was already tucked behind her ear. "Yes… I've been visiting for a while." She tries to smile.

"You have been?" his gaze finds my face.

"Well," I shrug. What kind of an unwanted situation is this? It's making me uncomfortable.

"I see."

I search his face for any hint of what exactly is going on in his mind right now but I can't find any.

"I'm here to tell you that I'm going to Suna with your uncle to attend a conference. But we have a few people to meet there. It'll take us a while. So, I won't be back for a few days."

"Oh."

"Just that. I'll be leaving now. You have the house to yourselves."

It strikes me a few moments after he strides away. Did he just say we have the house to ourselves? What was that even supposed to mean?

"He's kind of like you," Sakura comments, plopping onto the bed once again. "Too intense, too hard to read. How you two even manage to live by yourselves is beyond me. If I try to imagine, I feel so much tension."

"We don't see each other a lot," I shut the door. Although technically I shouldn't have to. Since we have  _the house to ourselves_. "But yes, when we do, it's a little intense. But we get along."

"You do? The last time we dated, you never really mentioned him. So, I thought maybe you don't really get along well."

"Back then we didn't. He has done things that… well, weren't necessarily the best choice of action. But he realises that now. He's someone who I think can be given a second chance because he understands or at least tries to understand what he did wrong."

Sakura's green eyes stay on my face.

"I see."

Suddenly I remember something. I've been meaning to ask her for a while but never managed to.

"Would you go somewhere with me?"

"Eh?" My question takes her off guard. "Where?"

"To the graveyard."

"Graveyard?" Her eyebrows go up.

"Mom and Itachi's graves. I wanted to visit with you once."

Maybe this sounds stupid. But I feel like this in my own way would be like introducing Sakura to them. Because I want them to meet her. I know they'd have loved her if they were alive.

"Of course I'll go, Sasuke," her bright smile lights her face up.

.

.

.

She lays the bouquets on the headstones and gives me a smile. Before coming to stand beside me in front of Mom's grave.

_This is Sakura, the girl I told you about. But as you already know, things went wrong last time. I lost her. I thought I'll have to live the rest of my life without her. Like I'll have to live the rest of my life without you two._

_But by some miracle, I got her back. I got her back and I'll never let her go now._

I reach my hand and take hers in it. Sakura looks up at me in confusion. But I keep my gaze fixed on the gravestone, just tightening my grip on her small hand. After a while, I feel her squeezing mine lightly.

_She is the kindest person I've met, she's headstrong, independent and she loves me. In my life, I've always longed for someone who'd give me the freedom to fail. Just once, someone to tell me 'It's okay if you fail. Because I've got your back'. It's tiring being strong all the time. Always feeling like I'll lose everything the moment I fail. With her, I can have that. She gives me that freedom. It lightens up my burden and makes life a little easier._

_And I believe Dad likes her too. Although he never would admit it out loud. But after all these years, I think I've finally started to understand him better. Maybe because in certain ways we're so similar. Therefore, even though we never had a proper discussion about it, somewhere along the line, we both agreed to try to understand each other. And it's not that difficult. I wonder why we never tried before. It wasn't until it was just the two of us that it hit us. We are family after all. There are all sorts of families in the world. I don't think they're always worth it just because they are family. But sometimes they are. Sometimes broken things can be mended without having to be discarded. That's what we are trying._

_I will keep living my life with Sakura by my side. I hope she can find happiness with me. I can't make her happy. Because I realised it's not about what you get. It's about how much you appreciate what you get._

_When I parted ways with Sakura, I learnt to live without her. I was recovering every day. Both physically and emotionally. Slowly, I was happy again. With the life I had. The way things were going. It felt like enough for me to be happy. But then, I saw her again and everything went wrong. I talked to her and there was this storm inside me that won't let me rest easy. With all the things_   _that I thought were enough for me to be happy, I started to feel like my life would be miserable if she isn't by my side._

_That's why, I know it's not something I can do. It's a choice she has to make. And she has. She has decided to come back to me. We're taking small steps, making progress every day. I will make sure not to hurt her of course. That much, I will do. But in the end, we are two different people. Sometimes we'll hurt each other without intending to, without even realising. But I just hope that every time we do, we can still sort our differences and find our ways to each other. Because I know it very well now, she is my home. And I wish I am hers. And at the end of the day when you're tired and devastated, home is where you come back to._

_I almost did something stupid twice in my life. But you don't need to worry. I'm fine now. I'm doing great and am looking towards the future with Sakura by my side. I hope we have your good wishes._

"Sakura."

She looks up at me.

"They'd have loved you if they got to meet you."

She stares at me for a few seconds, her eyelids fluttering a little bit. Then she smiles.

"You think so?"

"No," I return her smile, "I know."

.

.

.

"Just ask it," she looks up at me with a smile on her face as we stand in front of her door.

"Huh?"

"Don't hesitate. Ask whatever you want to ask me," she giggles.

How does she know? The way she reads me, should I feel alarmed by it?

"You… I was thinking next week… Can we go out on… Well… I mean…"

"Are you asking me out on a date?" she raises an eyebrow.

"You can refuse of course… It's up to you… I thought it's been a while since we started hanging out… But if you feel like it's still too soon… I totally-"

"Yes."

"Hn?"

"Let's go on a date, Sasuke," she radiates happiness with her smile.

Suddenly, I find myself at complete loss for words. What the?

She studies me for a while before finally standing on her tiptoes and placing a soft kiss on my lips.

* * *

"What's it, Forehead?" From her voice over the phone, I can tell Ino's eating.

"I need your help, Pig."

"Tell me something I don't know."

"Stop acting so cocky. Whenever you mess up, it's me you come running to as well," I fall upon my bed on my back. Stretching my arm and legs. Looking up at the ceiling.

"What's it?"

"I need you to come shopping with me."

"You want me to come shopping with you? Did you hit your head or something?"

"Stop being sarcastic. This is something I can't do without your help." Then, just to make it more dramatic, I add, "Bestie."

I can feel her rolling her eyes at me through the phone.

"What is this about?"

I take a deep breath before disclosing the information to her. "I've got a date."

"I KNEW IT!"

What?!

"You, keep the money ready and tell Shikamaru too."

What exactly is happening?

"Is that Sai you're talking to? What is this about money?"

"We had a bet."

Huh?

"I told these two idiots you were seeing someone. The way you go out every weekend. I knew it wasn't about studies or anything. It was way too obvious. But I don't know. Men can be too thick when it comes to things like this. Like they had no clue."

"You could tell?"

"Honey, don't underestimate me."

"You never told me."

"I thought you'd tell me when you were ready. In the meantime, it was fun having the bet with these two. I didn't want to push you like I did last time. I just wanted you to take your time and make sure it's the right person this time. I don't want things to go the way it did with Sasuke."

And it hits me. I know what she's saying. I know why she's saying this. These are the questions I had to ask myself before making my decision.

"So, who is it?"

I can't find it in myself to answer. Something constricts my throat. I can't bring myself to say it's him again.

"Forehead?"

"I'll tell you later."

"Huh?"

"I'll let you know once I'm ready. For now, can you just help me out? I promise I'll tell you once I'm ready."

"That's…" her words trail off. "It sounds kind of… Well… I guess it's none of my business. Fine, I'll help you shopping. That's my specialty after all."

"Did I hurt your feelings, Ino? That wasn't-"

"Not at all, you idiot. You just have a huge forehead. The brain behind it isn't that big. Is it? There are things you can't tell even your best friend. Or maybe, it's because I'm your friend that you can't tell me?"

"I guess that's the case."

"It's alright. You can tell me once you're ready."

"Thank you, Ino."

"Come on. Don't get all formal with me. It feels really weird."

The way she speaks, it makes me laugh.

.

.

.

I hear the phone ring while washing the dishes. I wash my hands, take the gloves off and pick up the phone. It's Sasuke.

"Hi," for some reason, I feel very giddy inside my stomach. We'll be going on our first official date on Sunday. I'm ready with my new outfit and the jewelry and also the cherry blossom lip-gloss that Ino forced me to buy. It's the first time I'll be literally dressing up for him.

"Hn. I wanted to ask you something. I'm kind of confused here."

"What is this about?" I try to find a place to sit. But my couch, as usual, is loaded. The stool, I can't see anywhere. So, I just rest my hips lightly against the armrest of the couch.

"About Sunday. What are we going to do?"

Huh?

Huh?

What?

"You're asking me what we're going to do? On our date?"

"I searched online for ideas. And I've got this list that has two hundred ideas. I can't pick one. What would you like to do, Sakura?"

I can't hold my laughter in. I literally slide down on to the floor, laughing loudly.

"You're laughing," I can almost hear him pout.

He's such a dork. He's so adorable.

"I'm sorry. What does the list say? I mean tell me a few among the  _two_   _hundred_  ideas."

"Well, it says we could go sky diving or bungee jumping. Do you want to go sky diving?"

"Are there some activities we could do while staying on the ground?"

"Yes. We could take a class for something new. Or go camping. Or go horse-riding. Or bowling. Or we could go to an amusement park. Or-"

"That sounds good."

"Which one?"

"Amusement park. Don't you think?"

"I… I'm okay with whatever you pick."

"Come on. Don't give me that attitude," I lean against my coffee table. "Show some excitement. Otherwise it sounds like you're just doing it for me."

"But I am doing it for you."

What?

"I want to take you on a date you'll enjoy."

"And what about your enjoyment?"

"I always enjoy when I'm with you."

Eh? What type of an answer is that?

"Sakura?"

"Uh huh?" I can't find words all of a sudden.

"Would you like to go to an amusement park?"

"Hmm."

"What happened? Why are you talking like that?"

You idiot! You say such adorable things with a straight face and make my heart flutter. You have no idea how you make me feel.

"I love you, Sasuke. I love you so much. Like you have no idea how much."  
There's silence on his side. This isn't a response he was expecting. I get it. Besides, he isn't the type to voice his feelings openly like I do. But I still get it. He doesn't have to say it out loud. He has always been a man of action. And with his efforts, he always coveys to me what he fails to convey through words.

"I love you too, Sakura."

My heart stops. Time stops. My mind stops.

What? What did he just say he loves me? Did he just  _say_  it?

"I just don't know how to show it to you properly. I wish I did."

When he said he'd try harder this time, he really meant it. Even though he isn't good at this, even though he feels awkward, he's still trying.

"It's alright, Sasuke. I know you love me. You don't have force yourself to say it out loud. I can see it through your actions."

"But last time…" he stops.

"Last time, I think it was my own insecurities. You know Sasuke, it's about my parents. When they were young, my mother had a huge crush on my father. But he already had a girlfriend. But she left him. For another guy. He was rich. He was a lawyer. And my father at that time was struggling because he didn't have a secured job. So, in the end, my mother got him. She was too in love with him. While in his case, I'm not sure if he ever loved her. I think for him, it might have been more like to get back at his ex-girlfriend. I personally believe that's why he was so obsessed with making me a lawyer. For him, it was all about his revenge sort of thing. While for my mother, it was all about pleasing him. She'd do anything to prove to him that she was worth it. That she was better than her. It's like she spent her entire life being used by him. But never really understood it."

Sasuke doesn't speak.

"I didn't want to be like that. I was afraid I'll end up like her. I think it's one of the most terrible things in the world. Being so blindly in love with someone that you lose your ability to see that they don't even care much for you. They're just using you."

I hang my head.

"Sakura?" his voice is soft. As if he's caressing me with his sound. "Are you alright? Should I come?"

"You're talking like you live twenty minutes away. It's past nine now. You idiot."

"I'd still come," he stops. Then adds, "You know I will."

I feel like someone is squeezing my heart. I can feel the warm trail of tears along my cheeks.

"I know you will, Sasuke."

I know. Once you know I'm in trouble, I know you'll always come for me. Always.

"But you don't have to today. I'm fine. I just got a little too emotional."

He doesn't say anything.

"It's alright Sasuke. I trust you. And it's not because of your words. Words can hardly convince me. It's because you have showed it to me through your actions. Slowly. Over a length of time. That's why, it's okay even if you don't say it out loud. I understand."

"But I want to say. Because not saying it was one of my biggest regrets last time."

I can't come up with an appropriate answer.

"I just want you to know that I'm not good at this. So, it might come out as not so good compared to other guys. But I want you to understand that I mean it no less than anyone else."

"Shut the hell up!"

"Huh?"

"Stop comparing yourself to other guys. I never compare you to anyone else. And I don't want you to do that either. You are you and do things your way. And I get it. So, stop worrying about stupid things."

You're such an idiot, Sasuke. And you're making me look like one. How can you make me feel so many different emotions within the span of like ten minutes?

"Your parents…"

"Huh?"

"Have they been bothering you?"

"Nah. They never came back to me. I guess they're still looking for where I moved to," I laugh. "One of my cousins contacted me though."

"A cousin?"

"Yeah. We're not close. She just found me on Instagram."

"What did she say?"

"That I was being a coward. Running away from them like that. That I should make up with them. It's been a few years. That after all, they're my family and that fact will never change. Such things."

"What did you tell her?"

"That being family isn't the answer. Maybe sometimes it works out. Sometimes you can make up and start afresh. Like you did with your father. But there has to be something. In your case, you two felt like it was your last chance. You had already lost the other two people in your family. You both regretted it, maybe you won't admit it. But there definitely was something that made both of you put efforts." I pause to breathe. "But in my case, I'm just done with them. I am done and I don't want to have anything to do with them. Ever in my life. To me, they no longer exist. Maybe it sounds awful. But this is the decision I have made. And I don't regret it."

There's a long silence. Then he answers.

"Hn."

Hn? Seriously? Certain things never change, do they?

"So, we're going to an amusement park on Sunday, are we?"

"Yes."

"I'm really excited for this," I giggle.

* * *

"You're early," her words attack like a storm. Without giving me any chance to defend myself. "You are too early. Don't you dare say women take too long to get ready. You're like forty minutes early for goodness' sake."

But… I didn't say anything?

"Can I come inside?"

She narrows her eyes at me. Then steps aside. Letting me in. All the time, observing me closely with a suspicious look in her eyes.

I find her couch completely clean. What a pleasant surprise!

"Sit down. And wait," she starts to leave for her bedroom but then stops. "You can do anything you want. Like if you want some snacks from the kitchen, feel free. Just give me the time to get ready. I won't be late. I have everything ready."

"Hn."

As I wait patiently on the couch, I see one of her cats approaching me. With silent, measured steps.

Although it's kind of difficult to tell them apart, I know it's Neutron. He comes and sits at my feet. His grey eyes studying me.

Does he dislike me? Why is he looking at me like that? What's his agenda?

I look towards Sakura's room. The door's still shut. I return my gaze back to Neutron.

"Ahm…" I clear my throat. "Neutron."

I think he recognises his name. Because he bends his head a little more to have a better look at me.

"I am Sasuke."

Wow! I'm talking to a cat!

But Neutron is listening to me. Or at least I think he is.

"I'm… Sakura's boyfriend."

Sakura refers to herself as their mommy. So, am I supposed to be their daddy? Or do I only become the daddy if I marry Sakura? Am I just their mommy's boyfriend?

Neutron moves. He climbs up the couch and comes to sit on my lap. Making himself comfortable there.

I'm not sure exactly what to do. But I think it's good? Let him just sit here. I think this way we'll get to bond with each other. After all, in the future when Sakura and I are together, we will be the only male members of the family. It's better to be on good terms.

I hear the door open. I turn my head around. And Neutron jumps from my lap. Running towards Sakura.

My eyes find her too.

She's wearing a light peach coloured loose top and white leggings. There's a pendant hanging from the long thin chain that almost reaches her stomach. It's a small cherry blossom. Her hair is parted on the right side and there's a braid that wraps around her head before getting tucked away behind her left ear. She's wearing small earrings. With a stone of the same pink shade like her cherry blossom pendant. And there's something different about her face. I'm not exactly sure what though. What I can tell is that she's put lip-gloss on her lips. Making them look even more luscious.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" she sounds uncertain for some reason.

"You look different."

Her eyebrows go up into her forehead.

"Do you think I overdid it? I… I didn't want to do all these things. I just wanted an outfit. But Ino forced me to buy the jewelry and the lip-gloss too. I just-"

"It looks good on you."

Her eyes go wide.

"W-what?"

"You look beautiful."

Her cheeks go pink. Almost making me smirk.

"You're not lying, are you?"

"Why'd I lie? You always look beautiful."

The pink turns to an almost red and spreads to her entire face.

I walk towards her, closing the distance between us.

"I've never seen you all dressed up like this before. That's why I was surprised."

She looks up at me as I stand in front of her.

"Do you… like it?"

"I do."

She's always beautiful. In her baggy clothes and her messy hair. When she's all dirty and sweaty. When she's drunk and a mess. When she's crying and her eyes and nose have gone red. But knowing she dressed up, she intentionally put efforts to look pretty for me today, it's a completely different feeling.

I lean down, gently placing my lips on hers. I can taste her lip-gloss. I don't recognise the flavour but I like it still. When I remove my lips from hers, she pouts.

"You're ruining my lip-gloss."

"Just put it on again."

She frowns at me. But I know it's fake. She's just trying to hide her embarrassment. She looks down and then picks Neutron up from the ground. Holding him near her chest with both her arms, she turns her attention to him.

"Neutron, Mommy is going out. Be a good boy and don't fight with your sisters."

I turn my head to see if I can find Electron and Proton anywhere. But I can't. Maybe they are in her bedroom.

"Is it okay?"

She looks up at me.

"I mean leaving them like this?"

"Yeah. It's alright. They play among themselves. And Ino will come to feed them their lunch."

So, she's like their babysitter?

"She loves them. And they love her too. Sometimes, I think more than me." Sakura giggles.

What is with this unwanted competitor? Why does Ino get along so well with Sakura's cats? It's already hard enough for me.

"Are you ready to leave?" she asks.

Oh! Right.

"Hn."

She smiles brightly.

* * *

Sasuke is so handsome! And it's like he has no idea. I mean, seriously.

Walking alongside him, I almost feel like jelly. It's weird to be honest. Like when we're at home, or I visit him at his practice, it's different. But right now, we're just a couple. Visiting the Amusement Park on a Sunday. We're on a date.

We are on a date.

Sasuke and I are on a date!

"Sakura?"

He stops and turns around, realising I've fallen behind. And he looks flawless like that. His handsome face that looks perfect from all the angles. His deep black eyes and the black unruly hair. His sharp nose and thin lips. His perfect lean body clad in a dark blue V-neck t-shirt. His light grey denim trousers and blue trainers. The perfect posture as he turns around to look at me.

"What happened?"

"Nothing," I smile as I almost hop. To regain my place beside him. "You're so handsome, Sasuke."

He looks at me like this is the most insane thing he's ever heard. And I see a shade of pink dust his cheeks and the tips of his ears.

He's so pure.

I latch our fingers together as we start walking again.

The weather today is nice. It's not too hot. It's not cloudy either. The park is more or less crowded. What else can I expect on a Sunday? There are families, groups of friends and couples. There are queues at the rides and the food stalls. It feels really nice. Being a small part of the bigger picture. It's like everyone has come here searching for an excuse to be happy for the day. And for us…

I look at Sasuke walking by my side. I know this will become a memory. Yes, we've gone out together before. And those memories are all valuable. I still remember the day Sasuke and I went out on dinner. As my thank you gift. I still remember the night we sat on the rooftop and talked to each other like we hadn't met just a few weeks ago. I still remember how I had lost my mind and kissed him out of impulse and he had stopped me from leaving, in order to return the favour. I still remember the night he had finally come back to me after going missing for a week when Itachi passed away. I remember the night we made love to each other for the first time. I remember all these things. And I'm sure he does too. Today will go down as another special day in our arcade of valuable memories.

And together from now on, we'll create lots of them. Small and big. After all, isn't that what life's like?

It's like life is an ocean and on the shore, we're collecting seashell like memories.

Five years, ten years, twenty years from now, when we look back, these are the things we'll think fondly of. These are the stories we'll tell our kids.

Did I just think of having kids with Sasuke?!

Suddenly, Sasuke stops walking. He looks at me.

"Do you want an ice-cream?"

Huh?

"There," he points with his finger to the right. As I follow his gaze, I find an ice-cream stall. Selling ice-cream cones.

"Do you want a strawberry ice-cream?"

I don't know why. He's just offering me a strawberry ice-cream, right? He's said deeper things to me. He's showered me with so much more.

But right now, at the moment, as I look into his dark eyes that are currently on me, I feel so unnecessarily happy. I feel like I couldn't ask for anything else from life. I feel like I could die right here, right now and I'll have no regrets. I feel like this life was so worth it. I feel so thankful I was born.

Well, this is stupid. I have lots of things I still want to do. I can't die yet. What about creating memories with Sasuke? What about raising kids with him and growing old together?

But still, sometimes you just feel things. Maybe logically thinking, they don't make much sense. But feelings are feelings. They don't care about logic.

"Yes," I can't help the giggle as I run towards the ice-cream stall dragging Sasuke with me.

Today won't come again. It's just like life. You get only one. And you have to make the best out of it. Living every moment to the fullest.


End file.
